Disclaimer: Same old, same old.

October 28, 2011 A.C.

So I am a weak, weak woman. Should I voice this new revelation to a certain pilot I know that I would never live it down. I haven't seen or heard from my clown in over a month; not since he helped to successfully dismantle a rebel faction. I am going through withdrawals and it isn't only the sex I have been missing. It is everything about him; his steadiness, his conversation and even lack thereof, and yes his body too. But most of all I just miss him throughout all of my being. I sit here watching his circus performance with an aching in my soul. How could I have not stopped myself for falling for him? How could I not have seen how deeply he had woven himself into my life? There have been longer stretches of time between our rendezvous but this time I can feel that he has no intention of returning. And of course I have to become that foolish girl who is buried deep inside of me and track him down. I have to see him, talk to him. I have to know if we are over.

Once the show is over I wait. I never use to be good at waiting but years in politics and years with this man have taught me how to wait. I am being cowardly and waiting until every last person goes to their trailer for the night. Should he ask why I waited until the wee hours of the morning to knock on his trailer door I can play it off as if I didn't want to be seen. But in reality I am waiting because I feel certain of rejection and want as few witnesses to my undoing as possible. I thought I had buried the girl in me for good when I realized Heero had moved on with his life without ever even giving me a second thought. I thought I had given up on ever loving anyone. Certainly that was why I asked Trowa for no strings sex, right? Maybe I wanted this all along. Maybe I was hoping he might fall for me. Why am I such a silly romantic? And why can't I just let him go?

I am still wondering why I won't just let him go when I knock on his trailer door. He opens the door and moves aside so that I can come in. His face doesn't give away whether he is surprised to see me or not. Nor does it indicate if he wants me here or not. Again I lamely come out with, "I missed you." And I get just a slight head nod in return. "You weren't planning on coming to see me again, were you?" I need this answer more than anything.

"No." My heart breaks.

"Why not?" My voice betrays my hurt.

"You know why." Really? Well that is news to me.

"No. I do not know why. We had a good thing going. I let you in and now you just want me to let you go. It is not that easy for me. I can't just let you go?"

"Why is that?"

"Because I love you. I know I said no strings but I couldn't help myself. I love you and now you just want me to let go without ever getting any answers. If you don't want whatever this is anymore then you need to tell me. At least have the decency to tell me that you don't want me." Damn. I have tears running down my face and my voice barely made those words coherent. Weak, weak, weak, I am so pathetic.

And now the man is just looking at me. Studying me for who knows why. I profess my love for him and he just stares. This is perhaps worse than outright rejection. I am beginning to shake. I should just leave. I can't take him piercing through me with his emerald eyes anymore. I turn and reach the doorknob and am outside with the door shut behind me, running, running so that he can't hear my sobs.

My knees give out behind someone's trailer about a hundred yards from his. I try to keep my crying as quiet as possible. Don't want the press to catch wind of the Foreign Minister sobbing like a baby behind some circus trailers. I cover my face with my hands and breathe deeply to calm myself. I can do this. I have held the weight of both the world and the colonies on these shoulders so I know that they can handle heartbreak. I can do this. I take it a step at a time. I stop crying. I stand up. I begin to walk away. I see Trowa standing five feet in front of me. I freeze while cursing myself for falling for a man who can move as quietly as the night itself. When he notices me looking he asks, "Did you mean it?" Of course I meant it. I want to give a sarcastic retort but I merely nod my head. As I do so he saunters over. Yes, saunters. In that sexy sort of way that resembles a wild cat. Just as he reaches me he offers the tiniest of smiles. "I love you too." Suddenly my face is in his hands and his lips are on mine but not in their usual hot and untamed way. This kiss is hesitant, delicate, lingering. It is so sweet and gentle that when he pulls away I feel like I've never known what it was like to be kissed.

I reach for his hand and ask him, "Do you mean it?" He nods. Yeah, we really are a sad couple if we have to ask such questions. But he is all I need and I know that now as I lace my fingers through his. He brings me to a sitting position and we watch the night sky together, hand in hand. I lean my head on his shoulder and he actually smiles down at me. Happiness.