Eclipsed

(A/N-Now don't get your sphincters all a clenching this is a parody, the characters are supposed to be OOC. And I'm a hug Twilight fan, I was just disappointed by some of the later books)

Charlie's arms swung back and forth, his face as purple as it could get.

"You are grounded, Bella!"

Bella blinked. "No, I'm not."
He looked surprised. "What?"

"No, I'm not. First of all, you're kind of an ass. I mean you threatened to make me go home to Mom because I had the nerve to depressed about my boyfriend leaving. Did you even attempt to comfort me or cheer me up? Noooo. Also, you gave me an old, junky car that barely even freaking runs. And I'm 18 and waaay to old to be grounded. Why don't you just spank me?"

"Okay then, drop those pants and bend over!"

"Sarcasm, Charlie dearest, it's called sarcasm. Well, bye."
So she left and went over to the Cullens' house, finding it by the power of love or some other hyper-romantic bullshit.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Charlie and me had a fight. Can I stay over?"
"Oh, yes, we're always happy to have you walking meals over-I mean guests. Come in."

So she did and her and Edward hopped in bed, after spending a while jumping on the bed, because Edward wasn't sure what sex was and he thought jumping on the bed had something to do with it. Bella just thought it was fun. Well, they collapsed on the bed sweating and then Edward held her. Bella cuddled against him and decided to take a nap right there on his chest. He traced her lovely face with his finger and realized he couldn't bear to part from her.

He stared at her face and felt the deep, internal struggle inside of him. He stroked her perfect hair and she sighed contentedly and cuddled even deeper against him. He imagined her perfect face growing older, covered with wrinkles, eventually her body succumbing to some final illness. How many years would he have left with her, his only true love? Fifty? Sixty? To an immortal that was nothing. He thought of seeing her headstone and couldn't bear it. How could he wander the centuries without her by his side? It would be different if he were mortal and would die with her. But an eternity without her...that would an unbearable hell.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." He whispered as he plunged his teeth into her neck and tasted her blood. Oh, God! Her blood was delicious, so sweet. He willed himself to stop. It was a supreme act of will, but he did. He quickly wiped the blood from his mouth with a linen cloth he kept in his back pocket; because of course he kept a linen cloth in his back pocket. He was a gentleman, after all.

She opened her eyes. "Edward…? It hurts…"

"The pain won't last long…soon you will be with me…forever…"
"Thank…you…just what I wanted…" She weakly smiled as her blood burned, and the venom transformed her. It took three days for her transformation to be complete. He kept holding her hand all through it, singing her lullabies. When she was transformed they went hunting and made wild, passionate love in the forests that made the trees shake. The only downside was that she couldn't have kids, but they adopted a spunky Okinawan girl calling herself WarriorPoetGirl and they all lived happily ever after and no one ever found out that Jacob was a pedophile.

…

Edward: Are you writing stories making fun of me and Bella again?!

Me: Um, no Daddy!

Edward: You are getting SUCH a spanking!

Me: (Runs)