Cast:

Ayumu Narumi = xShadow15x

Madoka Narumi = Morrigan666

Hiyono Yuizaki = xXTaylorxXAnn

Suemaru Wataya = Tigerwolf026

Kiyotaka Narumi = the78dje

Sanobe = TheWittyBlackGuy

Random Kids = draconianrhapsody

Spiral of Abridgity (Episode 1) [5th Draft]

Narrator: Welcome to a world where the unsuspecting viewer will be forcefully bombarded by a schizophrenically paced montage of, what can only be described as, randomly assorted images. Depicting things like reading glasses, purple flowers, suicidal school girls, and sometimes the images shown are of nothing… ABSOLUTLY NOTHING! This is [dramatic pause] Spiral of Abridgity…

[Opening Theme]

Ayumu [Phone]: Okay I'd like to order a large, 16-inch, cheese pizza- [Cut off]

Kiyotaka [Phone]: Alright, first off Ayumu, this isn't "Pizza Platter." Secondly, I was the one who called YOU!

Ayumu: … So yeah, I'd also like a side order of calamari- [Interrupted]

Kiyotaka: Look, if we're all done with being stupid.

Ayumu: Well I still have some more, but you can go ahead.

Kiyotaka: (Sighs)… Do you even know who this is?

Ayumu: … Are you the next Kira?

Kiyotaka: (Groans) Jesus Christ.

Ayumu: That was my next guess!

Kiyotaka: (Begins to calm down after some breathing exercises) Okay… Here's a hint, I'm your older brother.

Ayumu: …Uh… Lelouch Vi Britannia?

Kiyotaka: You know what? Fuck it! I don't even care anymore... I'm leaving you and my wife, whatserface, to go live in the woods with a typewriter.

Ayumu: But why?

Kiyotaka: Um, [Awkward silence] a vague sense of the greater good…?

Ayumu: Don't you lie to me! This has to do with my obsessive hoarding of purple tulips doesn't it!?

Kiyotaka: Off the record, yes… But officially I'm abandoning you to give you the teenage angst needed in order to become the world's greatest detective and solve the mystery of the Blade Children. [Hangs Up]

Ayumu: [While the dial tone's buzzing] Wait, what's this about you and blind children? [Scene Fizzles Out]

[Wakes Up At School]

Ayumu: [On school roof] Yah! [As he regains his composure, in monologue] He was easily the worst pizza guy ever. No wonder Kiyotaka never made manager… On an unrelated note, I can't believe the school lets us up here.

(Students Outside Talking and Going About their Day)

Ayumu [While Walking Down the Staircase]: (Huffs) Man, I'm outta shape (Huffs).

(Girl Screams)

Ayumu: What's this? Screams that I'm NOT responsible for? I must get to the bottom of this!

Sanobe: [Runs over] Fuck, she's still alive! Damn teenagers and their sperm dumpster trucks!

Girl #1: Like, OhMyGod, I'm SO updating her Twitter right now.

Sanobe: Don't worry kids; I'll sensually massage her until she starts moving again… Oh shit, that actually worked!? (Panics and points up) LOOK UP THERE! A DISTRACTION!

Kids: (Gasps) It IS a distraction!

Ayumu: Huh? He's crazy, there's nothing up here except for- (Pauses) Ohhh Crap!

[Cuts to Next Scene]

Hiyono: Hey! Mr. Murderer! Mr. Murderer!

Ayumu: [Looks Up] Hmm?

Hiyono: I'm Hiyono, reporter from "TMZ Jr." and I have a few questions I'd like to ask you.

Ayumu: I don't think I should talk to the paparazzi…

Hiyono: Heh, then I guess that means you don't mind if I make educated guesses on how you'd answer my questions for the paper…

Ayumu: (Grumbles) what?

Hiyono: Soooooo, do you have any comments on your murder of a teenage girl?

Ayumu: Well it was a lot easier than I thought so – WAIT! NO! I DIDN'T KILL HER!

Hiyono: mmm-hm, alright. So what's next for you?

Ayumu: To buy a case of "Head and Shoulders"… Just can't seem to get rid of my dandruff... [Looks Down and sees Sanobe's Bleeding Hand] [Monologue] So, he's given himself Stigmata… How… Emo-ishly clever of him…

Hiyono: So before we take everything you say out of context, do have anything more to say? – (Cut off)

Madoka: That's enough! Now, Ayumu, if you're all finished with talking into robotic penises then please follow me for questioning. And don't even think about getting cute by lying to us… Because we'll be using the most advanced techniques known in interrogation…

(Ayumu Gives Blank Stare)

[Cuts to Interrogation]

Wataya: So Ayumu MURDER-umi! WHY DID YOU MURDER THAT GIRL!

Ayumu: I swear I didn't – (Cut off)

Wataya: I'm sorry; I can't hear you over the sound of all the SKELETONS in your closet!

Madoka: Um, Wataya…?

Wataya (In Hushed Voice): (Shhh) I've got im' on the ropes, he's gonna crack any minute!

(Shows Poker-faced Ayumu)

Wataya (Monologue): Oh, he's good… If only we could look inside little Narumi's head to see who he REALLY is…

Ayumu (Internal): [Carmelldansen Plays]

Wataya: So to recap, while Sanobe was taking one of his "enthusiastic" walks around the school, whatshername fell- [Cut off]

Madoka: She has a name detective…

Wataya: And her character development was about as deep as the shallow end of the pool, does it really matter?

[Text: "Sorry PurpleEyes…"]

Wataya: Anyway, then the girl was pushed off the building, going down faster than a $5 whore, and everyone saw YOU standing there! Yeah, I bet your gettin' PRETTY nervous right about now!

Ayumu: Yeah, not to downplay the seriousness of the situation but did you seriously have a flashback from what happened 5 minutes ago?

Wataya: Shut up! We're on a budget and 5 minute flashbacks are all the Police Department can afford right now!

Madoka: (Sighs) I hate my god-damn job…

[Text Read: 3 Hours of Failure Later]

[Cuts to House While They're Eating]

(Shows that Madoka is Clearly Depressed)

Ayumu: (Monologue) Hmm, she looks sad… I've got to say something; something that's bound to NOT upset her! (Out-loud) I've never noticed before, but you've gotten kinda fat since Kiyotaka left… And it's not like you're getting any younger.

Madoka: Shut the FORK up! (Throws Fork)

Ayumu: Oww… Well you can't get mad at me for speaking the truth.

Madoka: Seriously though Narumi, I want you to stay out of this.

Ayumu: Like HELL I will! If all goes wrong then I'm going to prison, and I'm NOT trusting your partner; the guy wouldn't know a murderer if they stabbed him in the FACE! It's like trying to watch a retard trying to fuck a doorknob!

Madoka: Okay, so, uh, why are you telling me all this exactly…?

Ayumu: I dunno, I guess after all these years I've started to see you as an authority figure.

Madoka: … As offended as I should be, considering I AM a cop, but… Why me?

Ayumu: Well, the REAL police haven't accepted my phone calls anymore ever since I tipped them off when I told them I saw Al Qaeda at the Chuck E. Cheese… (Sighs) they were playing skeeball…

Madoka: Look, let me make myself loud and clear; you're in WAY over your head Ayumu, and I don't want you getting involved. There's a dark underbelly to this city; where men carry guns, people who befriend lip-stick wearing lesbians, having to converse with pimps who drive tractors, and they talk backwards Ayumu… They talk backwards…

Narrator/Hiyono: Is this the end for Ayumu Narumi? Was Al Qaeda REALLY at the Chuck E. Cheese? Will it take 2-3 months to write the script for the next episode? Will anyone care? Who really pushed whatsherface off the building? Find out… RIGHT NOW! No, no, yes, no, Sanobe! Stay tuned for the next installment of Spiral of Abridgity!

[Credits]

Hiyono: Say, Ayumu, there's been something I've been wondering ever since this series started.

Ayumu: It's cute how you think I care…

Hiyono: So why are our lip-flaps SO off?

Ayumu: (Stares blankly and sighs) Well that's because we're Japanese… I swear, it's like you've never seen a Godzilla movie before.

A.N: God damn it's been forever since I've posted anything... And while I DO have a number of good/valid reasons for it, I'm not gonna go into it here... That'll have to wait for the next chapter of my Soul Eater story, "Soul & Crona: Too Much Adventure!"

As far as that goes, it's kinda at a standstill, but onward to Spiral. I'm working on new abridged series on youtube, Spiral of Abridgity, and in a desperate attempt to shamelessly promote our show (I say "our" because I'm nothing without the people who work with me) I thought it'd be a good idea to post the script after uploading our first episode to help accumulate a following. [It can be found on youtube under, "Traffic9991"]

I'm not sure what else to say except I hope you've enjoyed reading this and if it turns out good, I'll probably post some of the scripts for Pandora Hearts Abridged: The Manga, & Rosario + Vampire Abridged: The Manga. ~ Traffic9991