6A Xenogears fanfic – Xenogears: How It Should Have Ended
Written by WDCain Man
Disclaimer: Xenogears and all its related characters are owned by Squaresoft. None were used with permission. I just love writing about them.
Anyway, as the title gives it away, this fanfic was inspired by the hilarious How It Should Have Ended website. Those videos always make me laugh and I decided to do one of my own. I hope everyone will enjoy it. By the way, heavy spoilers here for Xenogears. So only read if you don't want one of the game's many, many, many plot twists ruined for you. Enjoy!
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Xenogears: How It Should Have Ended
by WDCain Man
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Citan Uzuki nodded to his fellow freedom fighters. "Okay people, as you all know the evil Solaris empire is protected by four Gates. When we destroy all four, we can than reach the skyward city and destroy it with our giant robot Gears. We've destroyed three yet in a move of shockingly brilliant foresight, the Solarians put the fourth gate within their own city. So we can't destroy the last Gate with our Gears because it's hidden in the very place we can't get to in our Gears."
Maria nodded. "This is all true but my Seibzehn Gear can get us to Solaris; it just can't enter the city."
"Then our only course of action is obvious," Citan spoke. "We will have the Seibzehn transport us secretly to Solaris where we will all proceed to stealthily infiltrate the city and destroy the last Gate. It will be exceedingly dangerous but it is our only chance at victory."
Fei stared hard at Citan. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah," he drawled out. "Uh, no. Just no. We're not doing that. No, no. Just plain no."
Bart the one-eyed pirate king nodded. "I think he's telling you no, doc!"
"What? Wait! Why?" Citan sputtered. "What's wrong with my stealth plan?"
Fei took a moment to glare at the doctor. "Well for one, no one here except you, Elly, Sigurd, and Bart's dad the deadbeat drunk speak Solarian! Seriously! How the heck are we suppose to sneak around this city not knowing the language?!"
Citan shuffled his feet. "Well, Elly and I can-"
"They know you're both traitors! Remember! They'll be on us like white on rice! There's no way we can sneak in! Most of us don't know the language, we don't know where to go to, and we don't know what's what there. Sneaking in is just stupid." Fei glared. "Unless your plan is for us to get caught!"
"Gak!" Citan gagged but quickly recovered. He put up a humbled front and looked at Fei curiously, as if expecting a more clever idea. "How would you suggest we handle this, Fei?"
"Which is why we're going to wreck Solaris." Fei proptly held up the pint-sized Chu-Chu.
Citan blinked as it dawned on him. "Oh. Oh, dear."
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The Gazel Ministry were conversing amongst themselves as cryptically as humanly possible.
"The Diablos killed God's resurrection."
"Our baptism will wash away the mark he sinned us with."
"By man's own sin is the dead revitalized in silicon diodes."
"Our penance will usher in the age when all are one."
"Yet the animus strives against divinity."
"So saith the Memory Cubes that chronicles his journey."
"He will deliver the Anima Relics onto us from the war torn land."
"Curse his name for cracking the world."
"Cain forbids murder in his atonement."
"The Emperor shall fall by his own flesh."
"Krelian obeys as only the Gaetia Key will resurrect God's paradise."
"Mahanon awaits us as we stand as one amongst our Creator in Heaven."
"We are Heaven's truth."
"We are divinity's judgment."
"We are gods."
Their containment facility rumbled. In fact the entire city shook. Thundering shockwaves ravaged the sky base as the very ceiling was ripped off its foundation. Debris collapse around them as their optic sensors scrolled up towards the damage. Holding the stadium ceiling between her fingers, was a gigantic and adorable furry pink critter. "CHU-CHU SWALLOW YOU! CHU-CHU SWALLOW YOU!"
"…" a Gazel STARED. "We are screwed."
With that, giant Chu-Chu swallowed the SOL-9000 digi-sphere. "YUM! TASTE LIKE OVERLY VAGUE CRYPTIC NARRATION!" And with the ball in her digestive system, giant Chu-Chu proceeded to rampage throug throughout Solaris like Godzilla through Tokyo.
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Citan stared. "THIS IS YOUR PLAN?!"
"Yeppers," Fei said nonchalantely.
"Works for me." Rico gruffed while Hammer fanned his idol.
"Yo-you just… throw Chu-Chu at them?!" Citan sputtered. "This is crazy! Chu-Chu can't possibly destroy all of Solaris!"
"I know that." Fei said simply. "Chu-Chu just needs to destroy the forth Gate. Once she does then our real assault begins. She's smashing so many buildings that it's bound to be destroyed. It's only a matter of time." There was an explosion near Chu-Chu's giant feet and the energy field surrounding the sky-city disappeared. "Which is now. Time for phase two."
"Which involves us piloting our Gears to finish off the city, right?" Citan massaged his migraine.
"Nope, we do a bombing run."
The migraine got worst. "A bombing run?"
Fei whipped out a radio. "Bart, you're up! Maria, pick up Chu-Chu! Maggie would skin me if her fur got singed."
The Fatima sky-ship dubbed 'The Third' came in soaring with Maria's Seibzehn alongside it. The bulky Gear turned its thrusters to full blast and flew in to grab the giant Chu-Chu and flying away carrying the pink rat Superman-style. This left Bart free to shoot like the crazy bastard he was.
"Fire, Fire, Fire!" Bart pointed at the city. "Fire the Bart Missiles! Make them face the fiery fury of our… uh… firey fiery!"
Sigurd face-palmed. "Sire, do please work on your witty battle quips. It's embarrassing when you improvise on the spot."
"Silence! Your super bad-ass king commands it!"
"More like super bad king," a crewman sniggered.
"Traitors!" Bart shook his fist. "I'll have you know I'm the best there is! Because!" He twisted around to Sigurd. "I AM!" He turned towards the sniggering crewman. "A MAN! He faced the main screen. "OF THE SEA!" Bart posed righteously.
"…" Every crewman on the bridge just stared at their captain before one said "we're in the sky, sir. Can't you see that?"
"THIS EYE SEES ALL!" Bart yelled like the derange trigger-happy adolescent he was. "Now fire the missiles! Again! Yeah, that's what I mean! Do it non-stop! For Aveh! FOR THE WORLD!" Deep down, Bart was thinking 'Damn, I'm awesome!'
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A few hours after the bombing run, Solaris officially surrendered and its leader and key (non-digital) personal were taken prisoner.
Krelian and Miang were shackled in iron chains and being loaded into carbon freezing chambers. Krelian was as coldly stoic as ever while the normally calm and collective Miang was repeatedly injuring herself ever since she was taken into captivity.
"Why, Can't, I, DIE!" Miang screeched after repeatedly biting her tongue off but failing to bleed to death.
"Nanomachines," Sage Gasper responded. "We injected you with the same cluster of nanomachines Krelian uses to prevent dying."
"Funny thing is, Krelian made them to punish me for teaching him about nanos." Taura Melchior, a blue fat dwarf in a robe, piped up. "So Miang, this means no more killing yourself hoping to use your body-hopping powers to land in another poor girl."
Miang opened her mouth to scream a nasty string of obscenities but was silenced when she was shoved into the machine and promptly frozen in carbonite.
"…" Krelian stared hard at the frozen image of his partner in crime for the last five hundred years. "I don't suppose it would help if I said I loved humanity more than anyone else and that everything I did was for them?"
Taura stared at Krelian in that deadpan manner that anime just loves to do. "I checked your computer records. You were going to launch a missile packed with nanos that would turn half of humanity into flesh eating zombies and the rest into grey goo. Then there's your Soylent Facility, which grinds up people's corpses into processed food. You love humanity more than anyone else? Sure you do." Taura gestured to some Shevat guards. "Put him in the freezer, boys!"
Krelian fought the guards as they pushed him forward. "You cannot hope to prevent Deus' resurrection to the mortal coil! There's still Cain and Ramsus! And what of the Gazel Ministry, Taura? What of them?"
"Right now they're being digested in Chu-Chu's belly." The blue dwarf brushed him off. "The Queen has worked out an arrangement for Cain to live out his remaining years as a political prisoner in exchange for information. Everyone was quite surprised by what he told us. I had no clue that he literally begged you to use your nanos to cure all diseases and extend people's lives. And Ramsus? Well, he's being pumped up with as many anti-depressants the docs can put in him. That answers your questions, cannibal? NO HELP FOR YOU NOW TOSS HIM IN!"
"Drat." Krelian frowned just as they threw him into the machine and froze him. 'Looks like no walking around with an energy wave forever for me after I murdered 98% of the planet's population. Sucks.'
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Citan whistled while surveying the ruins of Solaris after it crash landed in the Aveh desert. Chu-Chu decimated his birth land with the same brutal efficiency that Fei did to Lahan. He looked over at Fei and nodded. "Well Fei, I have to hand it to you. Your plan worked to perfection. But I still think my stealth plan was just as good."
Fei rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it was so much better. Go inside when I can't read or speak the language, running around not knowing where to go like a mouse in a maze. Heck, I probably would have messed up and eaten some people food," he snorted. "And when I say people food, I mean that literally."
Citan giggled nervously. "Oh Fei, I would never stand by and let you eat people meat and not warn you. Nope, never! Not me! Not good ol' Dr. Citan Uzuki! I'd neeeeeeever let one of my closest and dearest friends eat processed people pork!"
Fei promptly stares at Citan in a whole new light. "Oh, my god…"
Citan held up his hands. "Now Fei, just listen to me. It's-"
"YOU WERE PLANNING TO LET ME EAT SOMEONE!"
"BUT ONLY ONCE!"
"YOU SICK FREAK!" Fei promptly kicked Citan in the nuts with the mother of all nut-shots.
"MY NADS!"
"IT'S NOT OVER YET SICKO!" Fei then proceeded to go Id on Citan's ass.
Off in the distance, the rest of the party were watching with mild interest. No one was making an effort to get involved, except for Hammer who was really starting to smile as he fanned Rico. Everyone else was just sitting back and watching the carnage.
Elly summed it up best. "This, he had coming."
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Xenogears: How It Should Have Ended
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At Balamb Garden, Squall and the rest of the Final Fantasy VIII cast were all doing their thing. Squall was in a corner acting all emo, Zell was doing cartwheels while eating hotdogs, Selphie was bouncing up and down looking at a toy train, Irvine was wiping his gun nice and shiny (which totally wasn't a metaphor for his penis), Rinoa was teaching her dog to bite people she didn't like, Seifer was being his normal asshole self, and mega-hottie Quistis was playing that stupid Triple Triad card game with Edea.
Their activity was rudely interrupted when Ramsus, the Four Elements, Grahf, Jesiah Black, and bad-ass swordswoman Yui Uzuki blew down a wall and came charging in. They were all lead by the numero uno bad-ass of Xenogears, Big Joe himself who headed the charge by punching out Squall like the little emo git he is.
"THIS IS FOR STEALING OUR FUNDING, YOU ASSHOLES! OUR SECOND DISC WAS RUINED FOR YOUR DEVELOPMENT! WE WERE GOING TO GET A SIX-DEAL SERIES AND YOU SCREWED US OUT OF IT!" Big Joe grabbed Squall's gunblade and started lopping off heads. "TAKE NO PRISONERS!"
Big Joe's Army gave a mighty battle cry and starting killing as many as they could. And there was much rejoicing by the fanbase who longs to play a fully developed second disc. Right now though, they would settle for seeing Xenogears coolest characters beat the snot out of FF8's loser cast.
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THE END
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I bought Xenogears off of ebay three months ago and I love it. That game is simply amazing and is already the best game I've played all year. It's so great that the half-ass job on the second disc doesn't even bother me. After beating it, I went straight to the local Gamestop and bought all three of the Xenosaga games. I only hope that they are half as great as their papa game. I'm just ticked off that the other five games in the series was canceled so FF8 could get more funding. So I'm crossing my fingers that the Saga games reflect whatever what was suppose to be in the lost games.
Also, let's be honest and say Citan and Krelian really deserve what they got in this fanfic. Seriously, those two needed a thrashing real bad considering all the crap they put Fei and the heroes through.
Personally, what I want most of all is for Xenoblade Chronicles to get a US release. It's already translated into English for the UK so I'm praying like hell that it makes it over here to the colonies. The Wii doesn't have nearly enough RPGs in my opinion. So I'm hoping for the best.
Before I get flames, I just want to say that I love FF8. I just thought it would be really funning if the FF8 cast was slaughtered by Xenogear's as a topper to the fanfic. Originally I was going to have the Wave Existence whine about being stuck in the Zonah for 10,000 years but I think my new idea is a hundred times funnier. Plus it has Big Joe, who is pure comedy gold all the way!
Read and review, everyone!
