8author's note: This is the sequel (sort of) to okaerinasai. Written for rainbowsheepy on tumblr. I'm surprised by how much I enjoyed writing this, considering I really don't consider myself a fan of AsbelxCheria!
this love, stronger than I can tell you, overwhelms me
I was a lonely person, clutching your hand
but now we're both the same
I wish I could walk, step by step
— day after tomorrow, "after all..."
She sits awake on the first night in the Lhant manor, curled up on the edge of an untouched bed in a lonely room, knees tucked beneath her chin and her hands pressed to her shins to keep them from shaking. She needs to be here - she needs to be with Asbel, with Sophie - but she's trembling and nervous and lonely and wants to go running back to her old room, wants to bury her head in a pillow and sob until her voice is lost.
She's not sure if she's ready for this. She's been alone for so long that the idea of being with someone, being with him, for a period of time that defies knowledge and bleeds into the concept of forever - it's just so final, she thinks; it's permanent, and even though it's Asbel, she...
Cheria closes her eyes and lets out her breath. She's nineteen and scared, terrified half to death by the thing she's always wanted.
Some of it, she knows, is because she and Asbel haven't told each other anything - because the air isn't clear, because their feelings are still unspoken, because mumbled words and hesitant glances and flushed cheeks can only say so much. She's made nervous by the fact that her love for him is stronger than ever, and because her feelings are probably painfully obvious... but Asbel, the young man who seems to always blurt out his thoughts without any time spent considering them, hasn't once come out and told her that he loves her. He'd welcomed her home with open arms, hugged her and stroked her hair and cheered her up as she'd cried, but those words, the ones she needs to hear, still haven't been spoken.
She's full of doubts and she hates herself for it. What if he doesn't love me as much as I love him? What if I'm only here because Lady Kerri wants him to have a heir? What if...
She opens her eyes, looking at her trembling fingers resting on her legs. What if he decides he doesn't want me? She's not perfect, after all. She's loudmouthed, sometimes, and she overeats because she loves to cook, and she has ambitions that go beyond the demure kind of housewife that he's probably expecting. She wants to keep working with the relief organization, wants to contribute to the future of Windor. She won't be content just being the Lady of Lhant. That isn't right, it isn't her. But if that's what he wants, then...
Then she'll have to leave, and she'll be even more alone than she is now. No, she thinks, and bows her head, no, I can't do that again -
The door to the guest room creaks loudly and she snaps her head in the direction of the noise, her mouth half-open to shout something insensible. She's expecting Sophie to be standing there, clad in a girlish white gown with her hair pulled back in a messy braid... but it's Asbel instead, still wearing his usual clothes, and the sight of him sends Cheria grabbing for the edge of her nightgown and tugging it down hard over her knees. Even in the dark she can see his face change colors, and he half-turns away, his voice cracking. "S - sorry, Cheria, I just thought I'd see if you were asleep - "
"Don't you know how to knock?" she chides him, and the words come out mean but she's embarrassed, not mad; she continues speaking quickly, not wanting to upset him. "I'm - I'm not. Not yet, anyway."
"Oh." She sees him lean against the doorframe, still not looking at her. "Do you, um... want some company for a little while?"
She swallows hard. "It's your house. Even if I said no, you could still come in."
"That's not true! If you told me to go away, I would. I just..." She hears the shuffling of clothing, as if he's shifting nervously in the doorway, but she decides to stare at the floor instead of moving her eyes to him to confirm. "It doesn't feel right," he says after a pause, "for you to be in here all alone like this. I mean, you just got here, and you're pretty far away from Sophie and me, and..." He falls silent, but just before she can ask what else he's trying to say, he finishes the sentence with an unsteady voice. "And I missed you."
She feels her eyes go wide. "You missed me?"
"Yeah. I did." She hears that shuffling sound again. "I - I mean - "
"Asbel," she interrupts, softly, and looks up. "... come here."
He obeys, immediately, stepping into the room. He crosses to the bed and stands awkwardly at the foot of it, staring down at her, and she sighs and pats the empty place beside her several times before he gets the idea. Once he sits and settles into place, Cheria speaks again, willing herself not to be nervous, forcing the words out even though she's scared of what might come beyond them. "I missed you too," she says. "You, and Sophie, and my grandpa, and Lady Kerri."
"In that order?" he jokes, but she doesn't find it very funny if only because it's almost the truth and she hates how easily he's guessed that. She lifts her head, meeting her eyes with his, and his cheeks slowly color for the second time. "... oh," he utters, and glances away. "Oh... sorry..."
"I - " She bites down on her bottom lip, feeling her fear rushing up her stomach and into her throat like a cold wave, but she wants to know now, before anything else happens, what to expect. She's scared of this, scared by the thought of being with him, but she doesn't want to wait for something that she will never have, doesn't want to resign herself to something other than love. "I have to know that you really want me here," she says, softly. "I know that I'm not exactly what you want, but I - "
"What?" He actually sounds dismayed. "You're - but you're everything I want!"
"Wh - "
"How can you even say something like that, Cheria? You're perfect!" He reaches over and takes her by the shoulders, and his hands are warm and strong and they send that cold lump of fear straight back down into her stomach. "You're nice to everyone, and you're a great cook, and Sophie loves you, and my mom loves you, and I - " Her heart skips one, two, three beats as she waits, open-mouthed, for him to finish his sentence - but he stops, glancing away, his face still tinged with pink. "I, um..."
She tries to remember how to breathe, tries to talk despite the way her mind is moving a thousand miles a minute and she's absolutely certain her words are going to come out incomprehensible and silly. "Why don't you - why haven't you said it? I know you know everything I feel, and I - why can't you just tell me, Asbel?"
"Be - because it's hard, okay?!" He's looking away again, but his hands are still firm on her shoulders and the last thing she wants is for that feeling to end. "I don't say stuff like this to anyone."
"But do you really feel that way about me? Or are you just - " She lowers her voice, trembling as her greatest fear slips out from between her lips. "Are you just settling for me? Am I the best you think you could get?"
"No!" The word practically comes as a shout. "Don't be stupid!"
"But - "
"Why do you think I asked you to live with me?" His eyes snap back to hers. "I wanted you here. I still want you here. I want this to be your home, so we can live together, and take care of Sophie, and take care of Lhant, and get married and - and get old together and watch our kids grow up and stuff!" Cheria's given only half a second to reel over the fact that Asbel just said the words "married" and "kids" before he continues, moving just a little closer to her. "You're the only one I want, and I know I'm bad at telling you how I feel but I really - I always - I definitely - " He pauses, taking a breath, and then he apparently decides that words just won't do because that's when he leans in close and kisses her.
Being kissed is terrifying and strange and altogether new, but it feels like heaven and makes Cheria's heart beat fast, and after a moment of Asbel's lips on hers and her eyes shut tight she decides she likes it.
When he pulls away he mumbles something against her lips that sounds suspiciously like "I always loved you."
"What?" she asks, half-dazed, eyes still closed. "Huh?"
"I - I - " He sighs and his forehead comes to rest against her own. "I love you, okay? I said it..."
"Oh," she sighs, and she thinks she's too shocked to really digest the information but it makes her happy nonetheless, makes that warmth bubbling up in her chest a shade more delightful. She reaches up to wind her arms around his shoulders and leans into him, and when he pulls her into a proper hug she sighs again and manages a smile. "I love you, too."
"Oh," he echoes her, but from his mouth it's a sound of surprise. There's silence in the room, Cheria cuddled up to Asbel and half in his lap, their arms around each other, and what seems like forever goes by before he speaks again, his voice quiet and unsteady in a way that's strangely familiar. "Hey," he starts, "is this... is this really what you wanted? I'm really not any good at this kind of thing, and - if you think you're anything less than perfect, what does that make me?"
She exhales, shifting in his arms until she can rest her head against one of his shoulders. "It doesn't really matter, Asbel. You'll get better."
"I will?"
"You will." She smiles, wondering why she'd been feeling so lonely, why she'd felt so scared - it doesn't make sense, now, and it probably didn't even make sense before. She'd felt so distant from him, but he'd been close this whole time, and he's so close to her now; she hopes he never lets go, because right now she thinks she'd be content sitting on this bed in the circle of his arms for the rest of her life. "We have plenty of time to decide what we want to say to each other," she tells him. "Right?"
"So... that means you're going to stay?"
"Of course I'm going to stay." She tightens her arms around him. "I'm scared, but... this is where I want to be. Right here..."
"What do you have to be scared of?" He sounds bewildered. "It's just me."
She draws back, looking up into his eyes, and her cheeks are aflame and she's embarrassed and it's finally sinking in that he's said those words, that they've finally started down the path she's been wanting to follow for years - but she forces a smile and ushers the response out of her mouth anyway. "I'm scared because it's you."
He blinks. "I'm... scary?"
"No," she responds, and laughs, and she can't even begin to explain herself but it doesn't matter. Instead she leans close and closes her eyes and waits until he gets the idea. He kisses her again and it's still strange, still new, and this time she tries to kiss back and things get a little awkward, but that warmth in her chest comes back and she can't put into words how happy it makes her.
Love is a terrifying thing, she thinks, even when it's returned - but because it is returned, she knows she can face it. After all, she isn't alone, and she won't be alone again.
