10There is nothing Erik could have done to adequately prepare himself for Charles' return.
The diplomatic envoy arrives home the next day to great fanfare and is immediately swept up in the festivities that culminate in the State Ball. The grand, marble ballroom is filled to the brim with mutants and humans, young and old, celebrating the return of their beloved leader.
Erik watches the proceedings from the back of the room, content to look on from afar as the Royal Couple greet their subjects. His heart bursts with unrestrained joy and great sorrow when he sees Charles finally (again!), standing elegant and tall beside Magneto.
They are dressed in matching outfits, Magneto in a black military dress uniform with a deep purple cape around his shoulders; the Professor in a less elaborate version with a sash over one shoulder and around the waist in the same color. Their combined presence draws the eye of everyone in the room, both men exuding power and grace effortlessly.
He envies the easy rapport between them, the way Magneto slips his arm lightly around Charles' waist and pulls him close. Sees the spark in the Professor's eyes as he gazes at the taller man, a look of love and devotion Erik hasn't seen in many long years from his Charles.
It makes him want to hit something. To pull every single scrap of metal in the Palace and collapse the walls around the happy, smiling crowd. Hurt them all for mocking him with their perfect, blessed existence when Erik has nothing to live for but heartache and failure.
He ignores the voice in his head as he exits the ballroom. The one telling him there is no one but himself to blame for his choices and their consequences. That regretting his decisions now won't make any difference at all.
Not surprisingly the voice sounds a lot like Charles Xavier's.
The garden is quiet, far enough away from the music and laughter to calm his racing heart. He sits by the large multi-tiered fountain, allowing the sound of running water and the bright stars in the night sky to sooth the beast within.
He touches the weathered stone, the fountain a replica of the one he remembers from Charles' estate. Traces long fingers over the metal plaque and the inscription it bears in his handwriting:
The Founding of Genosha
October 23, 1984
"You're not alone."
"Hello Erik."
He turns towards the voice speaking his name like a flower towards the sun, craving light where there is only darkness. The Professor and Magneto approach, arm in arm, the former with a warm and comforting smile and the latter with barely concealed disdain.
Saying hello is inadequate; Erik can hardly summon the words to describe what he feels at seeing Charles again, alive and whole. He's barely able to hold himself back from falling at the telepath's feet and hanging on; can only manage to croak out a single word, "Charles."
The look the Professor gives him is soft and fond, the words that follow in his mind a welcoming embrace. "It's good to see you my friend."
Magneto scowls and pulls the other man closer, causing Charles to let out a light chuckle. The telepath squeezes his spouse's hand gently and then shifts his gaze to Erik once more. "Perhaps you and I should speak privately?"
"No," the King does not appear to want his Consort anywhere near Erik. "He's a dangerous man, Charles. I don't want you spending any time with him by yourself."
The Professor arches an eyebrow at Magneto. "I'm quite certain he's not going to hurt me, darling."
Erik wants to jump in and argue that in fact, he has done exactly that; hurt Charles more times than he can count and in more ways than should be borne by the telepath. Instead, Magneto says it for him.
"He paralyzed the Charles Xavier in his world! Put the welfare of countless others before him! He tried to use him to kill the humans and left him to die at Alkali Lake! And now his Professor is dead and he did nothing to save him! Do you really think I would trust your safety around a man like that?"
"He is you, my love," Charles places a hand on Magneto's cheek. "He is you who made different choices and have lived a different life. But he is still you and I have never felt in all the years we've known each other that you've ever wanted to hurt me deliberately. And you and I have had our own share of heartache and pain."
There is silence for a few minutes as Erik watches the two men have a telepathic argument. Finally, Magneto shakes his head and kisses Charles on the lips before letting out an exasperated sigh.
"You know I can never say no to you."
He turns towards Erik and stares for a moment before he continues, "I dislike you, and since you are essentially me you can well guess the reasons. I understand most of the choices you made from what Jean saw in your mind but...I cannot fathom choosing to live a life without Charles by my side. I would pity you if you were the kind of man who cared to be pitied."
"I did what I had to do, dedicating my life to the mutant cause. My break with Charles was painful but necessary. He didn't want to join me, to put our needs above those of the humans."
Magneto glances at the Professor before turning his stony gaze back to his counterpart. "You say that Charles Xavier put the needs of humans before mutants?"
"He protects those who would see us destroyed. Cares for them, wants to live alongside them even as they pass laws to subjugate us, to imprison and experiment on mutants. Charles' compassion has ever been wasted on the undeserving."
Erik is surprised to see the King's face soften slightly, giving him an inscrutable look. "Yes, I remember feeling this way about Charles, a long time ago. I was too stubborn to listen and too foolish to consider anyone else's opinion but my own. I didn't realize there was another reality where I'd spend an entire lifetime being an arrogant prick."
He scoffs and waves his hand at the two men standing before him. "Mock me as you wish. I regret nothing."
It's not true of course, but he's hardly going to admit it out loud.
Magneto arches an eyebrow at him and snorts, his reply dripping with sarcasm. "Yes, I can see that. You are ever so righteous; a champion for our people." He takes a step closer and leans close enough to stare into Erik's eyes as he continues, "You underestimated your Charles, never bothered to find a middle ground as I eventually did with mine. You mock his compassion, and yet it is the very thing that makes Charles Xavier the great man that he is and the reason he continued to care for you when you have utterly betrayed him time and time again. You are a fool."
He turns his gaze on his Consort next though he is still speaking to Erik, "But that is your business and I don't care to discuss it further. I have been reviewing your situation with the others, trying to find a way to get you back to your own space and time but have been largely unsuccessful. Perhaps Charles can find something in your memories that will help us figure out what happened and how to reverse it."
He squeezes the Professor's arm and then turns abruptly, stalking off into the dark. Charles watches until Magneto disappears, then turns and closes the distance between himself and Erik. "Will you let me help you?"
Erik snorts and rubs tiredly at the scruffy beard on this face. "Didn't you hear what he said? Why would you want to help me when I've committed such terrible crimes? And after hearing the uncharitable things I said about you?"
The telepath does not answer right away, sitting next to him on the edge of the fountain before taking his hand. Erik knows this is not his Charles, not exactly, but can't help but feel reassured at the other man's touch.
"I will help you because you are Erik Lensherr and I am Charles Xavier. In every world, in any world - there is always 'you and me'. If my Erik had somehow found his way into your world before his passing, I know without a doubt your Charles would do the same for him."
The words, the sentiment...is suddenly too overwhelming and he has to look away, willing the tears from slipping as he takes a deep breath. "You're wrong. My Charles...he never loved me. He couldn't. How could he with the things I've done?"
A gentle hand rubs light circles on his back, soothing and warm. Erik thinks the Professor's kindness more than Magneto's hostility will rightly be his undoing. "Regardless of what you think...will you let me in your mind? Let me try to help you?"
He looks up at those beautiful blue eyes and finds them staring back at him with boundless patience and understanding. Charles smiles when he nods in agreement, a hand smoothing the frown from his forehead as the telepath slips like quicksilver into his mind. Dropping all of his shields he lets the other man in completely, throwing sealed doors and barred windows wide open for his view. It's the least he can do for Charles, to show his trust for the one he loves, belated though it may be.
It's a mere moment or an eternity – he's honestly can't say – before the telepath pulls back and cups Erik's cheek with his hand. His eyes are glistening and his voice thick with emotion. "Oh, my friend. What a lonely life you've lived. I'm so sorry, you and Charles..."
Erik pulls away sharply and pushes off the fountain; he has no interest and no use for the man' pity. "Don't," he snarls at the Professor who sits calm and poised, watching him pace. "Charles was my enemy much longer than he was my friend. I made my choice and so did he. We never...you only saw in my head an old man's foolish dream that should have died a long time ago."
"You don't understand Erik," the Professor stands and takes a couple of steps towards him. "You seem to be under the impression that your love is unrequited. I can tell you with absolute certainty that is not the case."
The telepath continues on before Erik can interrupt. "Your memories are the same as my Erik's up until the incident in Cuba. And from what I've seen of myself in those memories I believe it's the same. I can tell you that I fell in love with Erik Lensherr the moment I touched his mind off the coast of Miami and jumped in the water to save him." The Professor touches his arm and then takes Erik's hand. "And through fifty years of war and peace and heartbreak and joy I have never stopped loving him."
He stares at their hands, fingers entwined and tries to remember the last time he felt Charles' touch. Years...too many years since even their occasional trysts had ended, the betrayals and the pain too much to bear.
"I always thought it would be me, you know," he says in a voice quiet and small, "that I would die and Charles would live on and lead our people. I couldn't conceive of a world where I lived and Charles Xavier did not."
"I understand that sentiment perfectly."
He smiles and touches the telepath's cheek - gently, reverently, "I do have regrets, though they aren't many. My greatest one is that Charles died without knowing how much I loved him. I've never told him; never once said the words he deserved to hear."
The Professor doesn't answer, instead leading him over to one of the benches surrounding the fountain. They sit side by side, enjoying the peace and quiet for a long time before the telepath offers, "You are filled with so much pain and anger my friend, for things unsaid and roads not taken. I can't bring your Charles back or even help you get home just yet, but I can offer to listen. If you wish, you can unburden yourself with my blessing."
Erik turns to look at the Professor, wary of any mockery or judgement from the other man. He isn't surprised to see the sincerity that radiates from Charles, ever generous and forgiving and eager to help those who have never shown him the same consideration.
"Why are you doing this?" he shakes his head, chuckling in disbelief. "I'm not your Erik! I've done horrible things to the man I love, all in the name of the cause! And Charles fought me every step of the way! Our relationship was not the fairy tale happily ever after you seem to be living here with Magneto!"
The telepath continues to watch him, face neutral though his eyes are bright with emotion. "Things here weren't always as they are now, Erik. Our peace and our marriage both were hard fought and won. We'd spent twenty years on opposite sides of the conflict before Magneto finally got the war he thought he wanted. But we both ended up losing people we loved, including our darling Wanda who died saving me from a bomb her father planted. In the end, I had to use my powers to turn the tide of war...there's a lot of blood on my hands, my friend."
"My point," Charles continues, squeezing his hand, "is simple. You and my Erik are the same man and he is just as capable of doing all of the things that you have done. Your Charles and I are no different; given the right circumstances, if he'd been faced with the utter destruction of mutant kind...Erik, he would have joined you."
He lets the words linger, feels the weight of the revelations hanging in the air. The Professor did choose...and Magneto had told him he'd underestimated his Charles. Had compromise between their two philosophies always been possible? If they'd both given in just a little, could they have built their own version of paradise?
Though it hardly matters now, does it? No amount of awareness or regret would give him another chance with Charles.
Erik sighs and clutches tightly at the telepath's hand, his words soft and distant. "I should never have left that day, in Cuba, without checking the extent of Charles' injury. I wondered many times over the years if my leaving him stranded led to his paralysis; if he would have been able to walk if I'd simply taken him to a hospital right away." He absently wipes the tears from his face and shakes his head. "And now I know for sure – you're living proof that it was my fault."
He's relieved that the telepath doesn't answer or try to excuse his actions, remaining a solid, comforting presence at this side as Erik's heart continues to break. "I want to believe he was telling me the truth when he said he didn't blame me. That it was an accident...but how could he? How could he forgive me for hurting him? And not just for the beach. How could he forgive me for choosing the cause over him? For being willing to sacrifice him to win the war?"
"You weren't the only one who made choices Erik. Your Charles made his choices too. Trust that he forgave you, or he wouldn't have said it. And trust that he loved you too because his actions spoke when he could not do so with words."
The Professor shifts off the bench to crouch in front of him, taking Erik's hands in his own. "You are lost, my friend. For the first time in your life you are without a goal, a purpose. You must try to find some peace Erik or all of this pain and regret will consume you."
It's the eyes, he thinks, as he loses himself in the blue orbs so full of light. How long has it been since Charles had gazed at him this way? Filled with so much fondness and love?
He thinks about the way Charles had looked in his arms, warm and sated in their bed at the mansion. Whispering of the days and years to come; their whole lives ahead of them after Cuba, after Shaw.
He thinks about the way Charles had looked in his arms, in shock and in pain, a bullet in his back. Denying Erik and turning away from a shared future.
He thinks about the way Charles had looked in his arms, the last time they made love, every kiss so exquisite and painful and every caress too much and never enough.
"You are my light," he whispers to the telepath, "ever the bright star out of my reach, Charles. All these years I had hoped...that someday, when the war was fought and won, that perhaps...I could finally come home to you."
Charles touches his cheek gently, wiping the tears away with his thumb. "Oh, my love."
"It has always been you, Charles," Erik presses a kiss to the palm of the other man's hand before pulling it over his heart. "I pushed harder, became more determined and ruthless. Did everything I could to make the world safe for you, for us. I ended up pushing you farther and farther away until you were no longer my anchor or my conscience. And now I don't have you at all. And nothing in the world has changed and none of the sacrifices we made mean a damn thing."
"What can I do to help you? If it's in my power to give it, I will."
He laughs through the tears, a wretched sound he doesn't care to hold back. "Tell me what to do. What am I supposed to do now with no powers and you, gone? Even if I somehow find my way back there's nothing for me there."
"Erik, everything you have done, whether I agreed with them or not, has been done out of love for mutants and a desire to protect them. You can still do those things without going to war." Charles pulls him to his feet, gripping his arms and holding him close. "Use your passion to guide the next generation, teach them how to live and how to survive. Give them the wisdom of your experience and let them learn from the mistakes you and Charles have made in your world."
This time his laugh is genuine and amused as he asks the telepath, "Should I head to the School and ask them for a job then? Maybe they'll let me have your old position as Headmaster?"
Charles' laugh reverberates through the quiet, open space of the garden and ripples like sunlight through his mind. He's seized by the urge to sweep the telepath into his arms and kiss him, hang on to this feeling and this moment for as long as he can.
He takes a step closer, wrapping his arms around Charles and smirks at the other man. The Professor arches an eyebrow at him but doesn't pull away, a slow smile forming as he places his hands on Erik's chest.
"You do know that I'm a married man don't you Mr. Lensherr?"
"Oh yes," he projects, probably a bit too loudly but the telepath doesn't seem to mind. "I'm sure the King would have my head if he saw us like this."
Charles chuckles and looks up at him through his ridiculous long lashes. "Indeed. He's rather a jealous man, my Erik."
"Hmmm, yes," he lets his eyes devour every inch of the man in his arms, memorizing everything from the crinkles around his eyes to the contours of his face. "Will you let me kiss you, Charles?"
I didn't get a chance to kiss him before he died.
I didn't get a chance to say good-bye.
Erik doesn't remember getting an answer, mouth drawn to the warmth of Charles' lips as he pulls the other man against him. It's Charles – Charles lying on the grass outside, Charles in the library, Charles sprawled naked on the bed.
He tastes like the first time they kissed, giddy with alcohol and laughter and good company.
He tastes like the last time they kissed, deep and desperate and filled with longing and hopelessness.
It's excruciating and exhilarating and Erik thinks maybe if he died right now it would be better than he deserved.
When he opens his eyes, Charles is gone and he's sitting in the park on a sunny day, a chess board and empty chair in front of him.
The days go by as they did before, Erik living a quiet existence in a one bedroom apartment in San Francisco. His journey to Genosha remains a mystery unsolved; he has no idea if he dreamed it or hallucinated it or if the trip had been real at all. Nothing remains of his time there – he returned looking exactly the same as he remembered, wearing the same jacket and wool cap.
The memories don't fade though with time; he thinks constantly of the world he visited and the life that could have been. Of Charles' words and the way he smiled at Erik...and thinking about the telepath hurts now in a whole different way.
Twice he picks up the phone to call the School and twice he hangs up before anyone answers.
Four weeks later, Storm and Wolverine show up at his door.
Erik only hesitates for a moment before he flings the door open and waves them in, the two X-Men looking unsure if they should sit or fight or run. He grins and offers them tea, then sits across from them in his armchair and waits.
"We have something for you Magneto." Storm is the one to speak, the Wolverine looking uncomfortable and ready to rip his head off.
"So you didn't come here to take me to the authorities?" He arches a brow at them and Logan growls.
"It'd be the least you deserve."
Erik nods and takes a sip of his tea. "No doubt. Though I had hoped you were coming to offer me a teaching position at the School. I think I'd be rather good at teaching German...and possibly History."
They both stare at him like he's gone crazy and Erik can't help but chuckle at their reactions. Storm just shakes her head slightly and hands him a letter. "This is from the Professor."
His hand trembles a little as he takes the envelope. "Charles wrote this...before he died?"
An indecipherable look passes between the two and Wolverine stares at him for a few moments before he answers, "Not exactly."
"He's...I think you better read the letter."
Erik can tell immediately that this is Charles' writing, his elegant script still unmistakeable after all these years. The story told on the pages is as fantastic and impossible as his trip to Genosha and he stares at the words for a long time in silence. Finally, he looks up and glares at the two X-Men on his couch. "Is this true? Is he really alive?"
"The Professor wanted us to deliver the letter and ask you to come and see him. You can come with us now or come on your own later. Or do you want us to tell him you said no?"
His smile turns into a chuckle and then into full blown laughter as he digests the news.
"I think I'll come now thanks." He makes his way to the door, grinning at the confused looks on their faces.
"Come along you two. I'm ready to go home."
END
