16Back when I wrote this, the last few months had been tragic for me. My usual cheerful attitude might had made it hard to realise (and, in fact, some friends told me that they would've never thought there was something wrong with me if hadn't told them), but it's been a recurring topic in my conversations with people. It's not a subject I went around screaming about in public, but some things just can't be kept inside and they emerge as soon as they are given even the tiniest chance to. Still, I'm sure many people are not aware of it yet, and even those who are might not have got a grasp of how I really felt, how my body and health were an absolute mess because of it and how hard it was to fight this terrible depression for so long, especially during my exams.
A writer called Eric Leunam said the following words: "I loved you in every possible way and I still couldn't make you stay. You were for me, but I was not yours." I think it sums it all up pretty well. I lost my girlfriend in a terribly hurtful way and, let me tell you, I'm not good at coping. Some people switch couples like nothing and just let go, but I'm not one of them. Relationships mean the world to me, because, as asocial as I am, and despite how obvious it is that I am a terrible friend (I never keep in touch, duh!), my beloved ones are still what I care the most about in life. And losing the most important of them all was not easy to handle. In fact, I have never gone through such a bad rough patch in my life. It's even more ironic, or plainly sad, when you think that I started the year with the resolution to bond more with those that I love, and soon after, the one I loved the most realised, after almost two years, that, after all, I was not worthy of being part of her life. I was glad to know that I never hurt her, but it doesn't hurt me any less to lose her the way I did.
However, that quote from before has one more line to it: "I'm for another woman who is like me, sailing on solitudes." There isn't another woman, but I hope he'll forgive me if I twist his words just enough to believe that the woman he talked about were actually all the people who have helped me during these hard times. Some helped me because they knew what was up and that I wasn't okay, but some others helped me without knowing anything about this matter, simply by being by my side. Those people include, but are by no means limited to, Audrey, Bri, Heather, Roxy, Ouji, Prin, Terra, Maze, Piyo, Hina, Py, or Chan, and, of course, the one person who started it all, for I still love her with everything I've got, even if my feelings aren't the same. The person I love simply doesn't exist anymore, so you could say I'm grieving. To all of you, and all those people that I didn't mention but were an important part of my recovery too: I'm all yours, because you all, whether you were sailing with me or not, at least gave me the strength to keep on rowing so I could eventually find the shore I was so desperately looking for.
It's been a year and a half since that happened, and, as I stood up, I thought that it would do me good to put all these horrible feelings into words and turn them into something else, be it positive or not. I believed that the people I love, and who love me back, deserved to have a way to know why I have needed them so much, and I deserved to let go of the pain and move on once and for all. And the only one who could help me do that is my loyal and loved Handa, who seems to have to put up with all the crap that happens to me. Poor baby. It's really for the worse that I see myself reflected in him.
Besides being part of an ongoing story of mine, this is also a requiem to everything I lost, and an ode to what that loss made me feel, as well as to what I got from it: friends, experience, strength and family. It's full of references to myself, to the lost person, to what we shared, to those who saw me crawling across the mud and to the things that helped me get over these terrible feelings; it's, in fact, so full of them that I'm worried it won't have enough content written by me for it to be considered an original work (I'm exaggerating, but it's true that there are a ton of references ww). I couldn't fit in as many as I wanted, for new ones kept appearing, but oh well. I just hope I managed to convey the overall feeling of despair that I had to put up with for so long, although I doubt I got to do it properly: I'm rusty, and this is just hard. Still, I don't want anyone to have to go through this hell, ever, so that's probably for the better.
Here's my heart, and here's the result of the last thing you taught me. Farewell, my love.
Hours later, but still too early, a different phone, connected to a private line, rang at the orphanage.
The phone was placed in a room not too big, not too small; not too full, not too empty; not too tidy, not too messy. That balance was kept by the wide contrast that existed between the northern and the southern parts of the room, which, although weren't separated by any physical barrier, were easily distinguishable with a simple look.
The southern part, close to the door, was noticeably smaller, but was perfectly ordered. The wooden desk, placed next to the door and full of drawers brimming with official documents, seemed tidy and organized. On it, the only things in sight were a little, turned off lamp, the aforementioned phone–which, due to priority issues, was out of reach–and the few documents that the man sitting there had yet to fill after having spent the night awake doing paperwork of diverse nature. That man had the habit of putting his long, green hair up while working, which dangerously reminded his mates of a time they didn't want to remember.
The northern part, on the other hand, seemed to be uninhabitable. The desk that was there, although much bigger, was also way fuller: the drawers were equally brimming with documents and kids' drawings, even though the drawings had been strategically placed over the writings so as to not depress the owner of the set. The surface of the desk seemed to have been the scenario of a nuclear war: balls and pieces of paper instead of bullets; shavings of rubber and empty pens as corpses, and a bunch of smudges and food stains as the physical sequels of the disturbance. The surroundings of the desk had also suffered the havoc of the bloody battle between man and paperwork. As the only survivor, a young executive with glasses and hair as red as a burning meteorite lay asleep face down over that holocaust of ink and paper, still recovering from the attack against his person he had had to face last night.
Together, both parts seemed to harmonize with each other, forming a strange yet undeniable balance. But that balance was broken when the phone rang.
The green haired man, although awake, was startled when he heard the phone. It certainly took him by surprise, even though he was waiting for the call. It took him a second to recover from the fright, but he immediately stood up to pick up the phone, which he had pushed aside last night in order to have more room to work.
Nevertheless, when the green haired man was about to pick up, the red haired man with glasses tackled him with the indelicacy a person who has woken up 30 thousandths of second ago would have. The green haired man ended up crashing against the delicate paper door and battering it down, and the red haired man answered the phone instead of him.
"Who is it?" The red haired man asked jolly as he put his glasses back in place, even though he was perfectly aware of who was calling.
"Morning, Hiroto!" An equally jolly voice said from the other end of the line. "It's Endou. Sorry for calling so early; I didn't wake you up, did I?"
"Of course not, Endou-kun!" Hiroto Kira, the almighty president of the great Kira Corporation, lied brazenly. "We were waiting for your call at the office."
"I think you should look for a proper office, Hiroto," Endou chuckled despite being serious. "Working at that cubicle can't be healthy."
"I like being around the kids; I feel less alone if they are close by. Their company is the only thing that helps me bear with this Hell without going crazy…" The green haired man, who was struggling to stand up after going through the door without even opening it, made a supreme effort to hammer in a gaze of hate on the back of Hiroto's neck, who reacted immediately and added, "In addition to my faithful Midorikawa, of course."
Actually, Kira considered Midorikawa a slave driver that forced him to work until untimely hours, even though he appreciated his efforts to help him keep afloat the company he had inherited from his father.
"Happy to know you manage well, I guess," Endou smiled to himself, and, immediately after, adopted a more serious tone. "I wanted to ask you about the kids. How are they doing?"
Kira, thoughtfully, pulled the little beard that had grown on his chin since the last time he had shaved, as red and bright as the rest of his hair. With a cheeky smile on his lips, he said:
"You will be surprised when you see them. All of them. I promise."
"I hope Yagami isn't being too harsh on them. Endou-chi insisted a whole lot that she trained them, but I must admit I'm worried…"
"You can tell you never had as much contact with her as your other self did, Endou-kun," Kira said with a calmed voice. "Remember that smile she had on her face the day you saved her: that's the real Reina. And I know that what that Reina can awaken in your team will astonish you when you see it."
"But…"
"Believe in yourself," Kira cut him short, giving a new and confusing sense to the idiom. "There isn't anyone better than her."
On the other end of the line, Endou breathed heavily, but soon made a noise that Hiroto interpreted as a smile.
"Then, does what we planned still stand?" Endou continued.
"Sure, don't worry. I'll take care of it all personally." Kira's personal secretary, already standing up, coughed in a highly eloquent way. "…And Midorikawa will help me, of course."
"Wonderful," Endou said with a sweet voice. "I'm counting on you, president Kira."
"At your service, coach Endou," Kira replied, mimicking Endou's friendly tone and subtly taking it a step further. "See you." And he hung up.
When Kira tried to get out of the room, he ran into an irate Midorikawa who, with his eyes half closed, assured him that 'if one sows evil, one will reap it.'
For an instant, Kira had the impression that Reize was back, but he soon dismissed that idea: not even Reize, being an alien, could have ever been as inhuman as the Midorikawa he currently worked with was.
"Shinichi." Delicate hands shook Handa lightly as he slept curled up in a ball inside his futon. "Shinichi, wake up."
Handa opened a single eye and tried to look out of the window without getting up, but he didn't even get to see it: the room was in darkness, and the only light came from the moon, still clearly visible in the sky.
"…Try again when the sun is out," Handa growled as he curled up even more.
"Shinichi, we must go. Didn't the coach tell you?"
"Go…?"
Handa remembered the words Do-san had entrusted him with days ago and bucked up in an instant. He opened his eyes wide and stood up with a jump.
"T-that's right…! We gotta go at once…!"
Ootani averted her gaze from Handa and coughed softly. The moonlight highlighted the colour of her cheeks and made the teddy bear design on Handa's briefs gleam.
"…You would better get dressed first. And start with your pants, please."
As he cursed Segata a million times for convincing him that 'c'mon, we're amongst blokes 'ere; you can sleep in your cacks if you feel like, you know,' the young midfielder hurried to hide his shame with Raimon's tracksuit.
Once dressed, he picked his futon up, put his few belongings in his bag and looked around. He had spent such a little time in that room, but Hiroto and Segata had managed to make him feel at home. Despite they kept him up talking until way later than necessary, Segata's snores and Hiroto's insistence that he would sleep between the two of them–which had led to a storm of kicks against his whole body–, he had to admit that he had had a good time with them, and that that little room was already like home for him.
He sighed. He would miss them a lot.
Endeavouring to not make any noise, Handa and Ootani got out of the room, and none of them realised that neither Segata nor Hiroto were there.
The second stair he stepped on creaked loudly under Handa's foot, and he barely managed to pick himself up from the jump without falling down. Only then he noticed that the only noise wasn't coming from the stairs.
As soon as they poked their heads round the corridor of the ground floor, they were surprised to see that, even though the door was closed, there was light in the living room.
"Let's check whether there's anyone in there," Handa suggested. "We might get to say goodbye properly to some of them…"
Ootani nodded and smiled. She and Handa walked up to the door and he opened it slowly.
A 'surprise' at full volume slammed against the midfielder's face and made him jump backwards in such a sudden and uncontrolled way that he ended up crashing against the corridor's wall. Ootani, as surprised as he was, poked her head into the niche, and there she found a full crowd of people that barely fit inside the room.
"W-what's all this…?" Handa managed to articulate after standing up. Segata walked up to him and tutted.
"We didn't know you were leavin' tonight, you toerag. We 'ad to 'ear from Yagami."
"Ah, didn't you…?"
"We bleedin' well didn't," Segata sprang, and flicked the end of Handa's nose. "You could 'ave 'ad the decency to tell us you were to leave."
Handa lowered his head.
"I-I'm sorry… I thought of doing it yesterday, but… I didn't know how. You've treated me so well here that it hurt a lot to have to say goodbye so suddenly…"
"That's fine," Segata said, tempering his expression until it turned into a smile. "'adn't you opened the door, we'd 'ave let you go just like that, but the fact that you wanted to see someone to say bye is good enough for us."
Segata got out of the way so Handa could see the crowd that was gathered there. Kiyama, Yagami, Segata and Shourin had managed to carve a niche for themselves in the front row. Behind them, all the team members of the old Gemini Storm were holding a banner where the words 'COURAGE, HANDA-KUN!' could be read, written in green letters: it was a nod to the emblem the team once had, but Handa thought it alluded to Midorikawa's hair, being the captain as he used to be. And behind everyone else, on the other side of the room, Handa spotted the upper part of Kageno's grey hair, which seemed to move up and down quickly, as if they were little spasms. After listening carefully, he heard the characteristic 'hu hu hu' of his teammate, and he deduced that he was still laughing at the hit he had taken against the wall.
Midorikawa took a step forward and scratched the nape of his neck.
"Excuse us if we have interrupted something… intimate," he laughed, clearly uncomfortable. "Hiroto told me you were leaving tonight, and since we haven't had the chance to talk before, well… we didn't want to waste this reunion."
Handa looked puzzled at Midorikawa.
"Handa… We just wanted you to know that we are very sorry for what… we did to you that day. Really."
The whole team presented Handa a reverence. The faces of some showed a tremendous regret; some others, on the other hand, showed fear to rejection, to Handa not forgiving them for the terrible physical and emotional pain they caused him the day Raimon faced Gemini Storm for the first time. The day aliens challenged the Earth.
"…And that goes to everyone else, too," Midorikawa added, turning around and bowing forwards again with his eyes closed tight. "Kageno, Shourinji: please forgive us. I know it has taken us a long time to say this, but, as the saying goes, 'better late than never.' Or so I hope…"
"…I hope to be able to speak for everyone," Handa began after a few seconds, "when I say it's been long since we forgave you, but it makes us so happy you'd wanna say sorry to us. I'm sure our pain is pretty similar to the one you felt when you realised what you'd done, and that it must've taken a lot of courage to apologise like this…" He approached Midorikawa carefully and put a hand on his shoulder. He who was once Gemini Storm's captain looked up, and Handa smiled at him. "Thank you very much, Midorikawa-kun…"
Midorikawa stood up straight and smiled back at him. He held his hand out to Handa, and he shook and squeezed it tightly.
"We all wish the best of luck to you guys in the match," Midorikawa said effusively. "We will be rooting for you from the first row. Show them what our generation's players are made of!"
"Consider it done…!"
Handa let go of Midorikawa, who walked up to Shourin and Kageno to apologise personally, and Segata pounced on him as soon as he was free, ready to set Handa's head on fire by scratching it with his knuckles.
"We're gonna miss you around 'ere, lad!" He said, once met Handa's pleas to stop.
"I'll miss you guys too… I wish I could stay here for a bit longer, but…"
"You needn't give us reasons, Handa," Hiroto interrupted him. "Do what you must do to become stronger and show the Inazuma Eleven what you are really worth."
Handa smiled at Hiroto, who replied with a thumbs up. After that, and slightly askance, he turned his head and looked at Yagami, who kept a serious face and her eyes on him as she came closer.
"Yagami-sama, I…" His voice was trembling, and his body began to do the same too after a few seconds. "I actually don't know what to say."
"Then I'll say it myself," Yagami sprang. "Working with you has been frustrating. You're the clumsiest and most useless thing I've had the disgrace of coming across, and you've been unable to improve in the slightest during these days." Her face brightened up slightly, just enough for Handa to stop shaking. "If you keep that up, I don't think you'll have any sort of problem to thrash those old crocks to death."
Handa blinked. He didn't know what else he could do.
"What do you mean to say…?"
"That what you need the most is not to improve, but to learn and trust in what you know. That's the only way that thing of yours will accept you."
For the second time in his life, Handa had the privilege to see Yagami dedicating him a smile, even bigger than last time's, but equally demure. And that time, rather than thinking she was beautiful, Handa understood what was what his captain saw in that girl and why he liked her so much. And, for a brief instant, understood, also, what kind of bond actually linked them, despite what everyone else saw and what they themselves would let them see. And he thanked the heavens for that complex bond that had done so much good to him too, just before it turned again into an unfathomable mystery for everyone except for the two of them.
"Wounds never close, Handa. Ever. But that wound will teach you a lot," Yagami whispered all of a sudden, with a voice so soft that no one else in the room got to hear it. "…Good luck."
Handa exhaled deeply from the shock, after having held his breath unconsciously as Yagami smiled. Then, meeting Yagami's apparent wishes of not talking about that subject any further, he took a step back, looked at those present and bowed courteously at them.
"T-thanks for taking such good care of me and helping me so much… I promise I won't let these days you let me stay here with you be in vain…!"
"We're with you, Handa-kun," Hiroto said on behalf of everyone. "Best of luck."
Handa stood up and Ootani walked up to him. She held his arm and they both got ready to leave, but Shourin kept them with a shout.
"Handaaa! Make sure to become way stronger while you are out, because we are going to improve a whole lot during the days we have left to be here! Right, Kageno?"
As his only reply, Kageno laughed, and he set on edge most of those present's teeth.
"Yeah…!" Handa replied. "Courage, guys…!"
Ootani and Handa left the Ohisama-En after bidding farewell to their training partners once again, and just at the door, waiting for them, they found Kira Corporation's president and his personal assistant, who opened the red sports car's door for them and invited them in.
"Get in, please."
"Have you fastened your belts, guys?" Kira asked from the driver's seat. Even though Raimon's members answered yes, Midorikawa, sitting on the co-pilot's seat, had to make sure that, indeed, the belts were properly fastened. Kira sent a sarcastic look at his assistant.
"'Forewarned is forearmed'," he said as his only excuse, shrugging.
"Well, I suppose you know. However, we're off!"
Kira adjusted the driving mirrors and his glasses, moved the gear lever and turned the motor on, which roared instantly. And, with an almost childish smile on his face, Kira put his foot down, and the youngsters that were sitting on the back understood Midorikawa's insistence of them wearing their belts properly.
The car shot out like lightning and left the Ohisama-En behind in a matter of minutes.
Kira and Midorikawa seemed to be really comfortable, but Ootani and Handa took long to get used to the constant feeling of being about to crash against something any minute. The sound of the sports car cutting the wind was enough to fill the silence at first, despite the fact that it hindered them from listening to the conversation Kira and Midorikawa seemed to be having, but it stopped working after a while. Then, Ootani put her hand over Handa's and smiled at him.
"Shinichi…" Ootani began in a whisper, but Handa cut her short at once.
"You needn't say anything, Tsukushi-chan… You still don't understand what I did yesterday, do you…?"
Ootani squeezed Handa's hand.
"I'm sorry, Shinichi… I feel like I'm missing something, but I don't know what it is."
Handa sighed. The storm had passed, he thought, so he assumed it was about time to tell her everything.
"Don't worry; I think it's impossible for you to figure it out if you don't know why. And, for you to understand, I gotta tell you what happened the day you left. That day, I met… him."
Handa couldn't go to class that day. He pretended to be ill before his parents and, given his condition, it didn't take much for them to believe him. His body felt like clay, to the point that it was hard to even stand on his feet, and his head had turned into a hellish chaos. He spent the day on his bed, lying on his side with his eyes open. He would have liked to cry, but his body would, simply, refuse to react. He spent hour after hour looking at the wall without seeing it, trying to avoid the pain. As hard as he tried later on, he was never able to recall if he had thought about anything during those hours; he just remembered himself as a dead weight that was only conscious of how hard it was to breathe.
Alone, in that room in darkness, Handa had shut himself away from everything and everyone, in a desperate, almost animal attempt to stop suffering. Bearing with the emotional weight of that situation had drained him. He wasn't strong enough to do anything, and he didn't do anything. He couldn't do anything.
Handa only reacted when he heard steps. The sound came first, and then that feeling. A crushing feeling of darkness that was coming closer to him, that brought him out of his hibernation and put him on the alert, as if it were an imminent danger. Handa, despite the disturbing pressure he was suddenly feeling, raised his head from the pillow, tensed himself and stared at the door.
The door opened, and light got into that room for the first time in hours. And cutting it out, a figure of sheer darkness; a silhouette that seemed familiar. Then, Handa understood that the pressure that said darkness had been exerting on him didn't mean to strangle him, but hug him, blend into him. And he recognised it.
"Hello. I brought you your homework."
Kageto Yamino greeted him from the door with his usual inexpressive personality, paper sheets at the ready. He stood staring at Handa and frowned harder than usual.
"Handa…" He whispered. "I did not know you had so much darkness inside."
Handa looked down and changed his expression for the first time in all day. Darkness. Was that what was contaminating him? Had his attitude and cowardice taken him to that point?
"Shadow-kun, you're always talking about darkness… Is this what you feel?"
"Yes."
"I'm scared… I'm so scared…" He sobbed.
"I am, too. Darkness is terrifying."
Shadow sat beside his teammate and kept looking at him intently with a curiosity that he would only show when something made him afraid.
"Will I have to live with this for the rest of my life…?"
"No," Shadow said, more incisive than usual. "Darkness opposes light, and light opposes darkness. That is the natural balance of things. But, when that balance breaks, none of them is good. Light and darkness will hurt you the same way."
"Then, what can I do…?"
"Most people try to get their balance back, opposing their light to their darkness. But when you do not have your own light to fight with…" Shadow said these words very slowly, showing an emotion unlike of him, "you can only accept your darkness and come face-to-face with it until you control it."
Handa struggled to hold back the tears that he had so desperately tried to let go of minutes before.
"I cannot force you to fight your darkness like me," Shadow proceeded. "You have light too, Handa, and that is a blessing." Shadow's voice trembled with his last words. "But the only thing you cannot do is let the darkness consume you."
Shadow put a hand on his teammate's shoulder, without changing his neutral expression. And he whispered:
"It is a very deep darkness, but this is not you. You should not have to go through the same thing as me. Find out where that darkness is coming from and fight it. I leave in your hands the way to do it."
Shadow left the papers over Handa's desk and went back to the door.
"Do not give up without a fight. That is not the style of the Raimon you are a part of."
Handa smiled at him slightly.
"And do not forget about homework."
Shadow got lost across the corridor, and Handa could hear how his mother said farewell to him in a slightly strange tone.
Minutes after that succinct conversation, and to his mother's surprise, Handa got up and came out of his bedroom at last. It was better than doing homework.
This is what Handa recalled as he talked to Ootani, but he didn't tell her anything about it.
Handa got onto his bike and pedalled like he had never before. He was about to run over a few people on his way, but he was able to dodge them with surprising skill. The exercise had also returned his breathing back to him. He didn't know why, but he felt tremendously focused and confident. Maybe because he had nothing else to lose, but that last attempt could give him so much.
The airport wasn't too far away from his house. He had already been there a few times during the FFI to look out and welcome his mates that came and went, so he knew the way by heart. Nonetheless, he couldn't recall ever getting there so fast. Handa got off the bike and left it lying at the entrance, all practically without stopping running. The automatic doors of the airport took ages to open—or so it seemed to him—and he almost crashed against the glass, but he braked just in time and managed to get in without incident.
He stopped and looked around. He had already been there a few times, but everything still seemed very confusing to him. He had always gone with more people and had limited himself to following them, but he was completely alone this time. He looked frantically for anything that could indicate him in which direction he should run, and that's when he noticed the electronic screen that was just right under his nose. It read the flights that were about to depart and which was each one's boarding gate. He had to come very close to find what he was looking for, but, as soon as he did, he looked around one more time to orient himself and was off like a shot eastwards.
Doors C and D. Doors E and F. And, right after, escalators guarded by a man in a suit.
Handa hurled himself towards the escalators, but the man put his arm in the way and held him by the waist.
"Hey, hey, calm down, boy! Where are you going in such a hurry?"
"L-let me through, please!" Handa pleaded as he writhed in the guard's arms.
"I'm sorry," the man said in a gentle tone, "but only passengers with a ticket can get past this point."
"You don't understand…! I-I gotta see her before it's too late…!"
"…So 'her,' huh?" He smiled to himself slightly, even though there was a trace of sadness in his expression. "I know it's important for you, boy, but I still can't let you through. If my boss finds out, he'll throw me right out on my arse!"
"But…! If I don't tell her now what I feel, then…!"
And that was when he heard it.
'Do not worry. She already knows.'
Handa heard those words said with his own voice, as clear as deafening was the noise around him. He stopped writhing, and then he noticed that the guard, who was still holding him in his arms, had stopped looking at him.
"Do you know him, boy?" He asked into the air.
"I do. Leave him to me."
Handa turned around and, to his surprise, he found out he wasn't alone.
Despite his thick green sweatshirt, one could still notice the strong and slim constitution of someone who has put so much effort into tuning his body down to the last detail. His sturdy legs and cleats indicated that that boy was a soccer player just like him, but he didn't need to notice that detail to know. His face had given him away from the very beginning.
A serious and confident expression. Soft and, apparently, attractive features. Round eyes of a very deep blue; a very, very rare feature in Japan. A prominent and abundant fringe that fell mostly towards the sides, even though two wild locks tickled the bridge of his nose. Shoulder-length hair covered his ears: it was similar in length to Handa's himself, but it ended in a series of points impossible to comb—or, perhaps, painstakingly combed to achieve that effect. And, before all, what surprised Handa the most, for being the only thing he wasn't expecting to see on Fideo Ardena's face: a friendly smile.
"Ciao," said the White Meteor of Italy with a voice surprisingly similar to his and a quick hand gesture. "We see each other again, Raimon boy."
Handa moved away from the guard and got closer to Fideo with a single, fearful step.
"A-Ardena-san…? But what are you doing here…?" Handa managed to articulate.
"Let us leave explanations for later," Fideo smiled, making a visible effort to pronounce the word 'explanations' correctly. "By now, let us leave this good sir be."
Fideo slipped his arm around Handa's shoulders gracefully and took him away from the escalators, despite Handa's complaints and continuous looks back.
"B-but… I gotta…"
"Calm down, calm down. Tell me what is wrong, but do not stop walking."
"I…" Seeing as he had nothing to do, Handa gave up and sighed. "I wanted to get to door G before the plane took off…"
"The plane on door G?" Fideo patted his back and smiled at him sadly. "It left a while ago. They said it was about to take off just when I got out of mine."
"What…? Then, did you just come, Ardena-san?"
"Of course I did," Fideo laughed. "What other reason could there be for me to be here?"
"…Now that you mention it…" Handa scratched his head, without knowing exactly what he was expecting.
The two of them kept on walking until they reached the electronic sign at the entrance. Handa looked at it again. The flight he was looking for, the one on door G bound for the United States, was still there. Fideo saw it too.
"These tackles do not work well at all, no matter where you are," he sighed. "I am sorry you had to go through this. And even more so if there was a girl involved."
"And how do you know it was 'cause of a girl…?" Handa asked, blinking a couple of times.
"Because of the same reason as everyone else in the airport: because you were shouting it, ha ha ha!"
Handa blushed for a second, but he soon calmed down: everything was lost and Fideo knew about it, so there was no reason to be ashamed.
"But do not worry," Fideo continued with a cheerful and reassuring voice, as he made a great fuss with his free hand. "Passion can be covered up, but it cannot be hidden. I am absolutely sure that girl knew about everything you intended to say."
"It's not just that, Ardena-san…" Handa's head was hanging low. "I… wanted to level with her, tell her everything I've gone through ever since she told me she was leaving, how… how unwell I've been feeling… And, yes, tell her that I loved her despite all. I know she knew, but, despite that, I'd have liked to tell her myself… I feel like a coward…"
"Ah, my friend, è la vita. Pretending everything to go just the way you plan it in love is even harder than predicting a soccer match," Fideo said, despite tripping over a few words. His Japanese was brilliant, but the pronunciation was still not perfect. "But, just like in soccer, for things to not go as expected does not necessarily imply a defeat."
"How do you know so much about these things, Ardena-san…?" Handa asked, letting his eyelids droop a little. It wasn't common at all for someone to speak like that about love in his country.
"Let us say that…" He shrugged, smiling, "I find it reasonably easy to understand people's feelings. Even though ragazzas are always complex, if it is any consolation."
"It's easy to say…" Handa wrinkled his lips. "I'm sure you've never had any problems with girls…"
"I do not know whom you take me for," Fideo laughed nervously. "Ragazzas drive us all round the bend even when there is no love involved. It is our curse and no one is safe; trust me. But it is part of the charm." He smiled.
Handa smiled back. His problems were still there, but he felt better for some reason he just couldn't understand. Suddenly, he realised Fideo's words had the same soothing effect as his captain's, although Endou, due to his innocent and even ingenious nature, could have never helped him with that matter. All in all, he's a capt'n too, Handa thought. It might come with the post.
"Look, I know it hurts to have feelings for someone who does not feel the same; I have been there!" Fideo continued. "Maybe I cannot be the one to cheer you up, but I can lend you a friendly ear if you so want, my dear, uh… er…"
"Handa," Raimon's player sighed. However kind Fideo was, it was a lot to ask for him to remember who someone like him was. "Handa…"
"Shinichi, right?" Fideo cut him short. "I am sorry; I am not good with surnames. In Italy, we always know people by their first names."
For some reason, Handa felt a little bit bigger.
Fideo and Handa were walking together while looking for a bus. Fresh air had made them realise how funny it smelt inside the airport, which they didn't notice due to the nerves from before. Handa was carrying his bike, while Fideo carried his luggage. They had been quiet ever since the moment Handa calmed down, but neither of them seemed to care: it was a silence as pleasant and natural as the silence inside one's own head; a silence Handa hadn't felt in a long time. Their voices were so similar that Handa felt Fideo as a physical manifestation of his conscience, who would tell him exactly what he needed to hear while imbuing his own voice with the courage he needed.
"Er… What brings you here, Ardena-san…?"
"Just call me Fideo, Shinichi; it is weird to be called 'Ardena'," he laughed. "I came to see Mamoru. I know it has only been a few days since we played against Ogre Academy, but that match only made me miss him even more."
"A-a few days?" Handa asked, blinking a couple of times. "Fideo-san, it's been almost a year since that…!"
"Has it? Well, for you, perhaps," Fideo smiled as he thought that 'Fideo-san' was still better than 'Ardena'. "Mamoru's grandson came to ask for my help about a week ago. I guess he preferred to come fetch me once I had polished my technique a bit further." He shrugged, and his smile turned slightly more mischievous for an instant. "Also, my captain came to Japan a few months ago and I am trying to find him."
"I see…"
"But let us not talk about me anymore," Fideo cut Handa short before he could say anything else. "I get the feeling that he who needs to talk is you."
"…I guess you're right…" Handa said slowly. "I don't usually stand out much, so I don't have many chances to, well, get stuff out of my chest, either…"
"It is in your face," Fideo said with an understanding smile. "We all need someone reliable to listen to us, no matter how, hmm…" he took a few seconds to choose the next word, "stupid we believe what we have to say is. Sometimes, what we want to say might seem insignificant to the rest of the world, but it is very important to us, and we need someone who can understand and appreciate what no one else can. It is very difficult to find someone like that, but it will be a pleasure for me to be that someone for as long as I am here."
Handa's lips started trembling. His eyes turned glassy, but they indicated an immense happiness. Fideo made him feel important, wrapped; a feeling Handa wasn't used to in the slightest in those days.
"…G-gosh, Fideo-san. For a foreigner, you get along fine in our language…"
"It is just that I love it, ha ha! Plans to hold the FFI started years ago, and I was part of the pre-selection since I became nine or ten. One of Liocott's official languages is Japanese, so they made us study it ever since, and I have practised it a lot on my own. At Orpheus, we used to talk in Japanese even during training sessions because we knew we would need it very soon, and it seems like all that practice came in pretty handy~" Fideo crooned, winking an eye at Handa. "And if it lets me meet people like you, all the better."
For the first time in a long while, longer than he could even recall, he felt his feelings were valid and valuable, and there, in the middle of the airport's parking, waiting for a bus that would take them back to Inazuma, Handa burst into tears in Fideo's arms, overwhelmed by all that that, until then, he had confined inside him.
Handa had to wipe his tears away every so often and his words were difficult to understand, but Fideo listened attentively, without judging. The bus was practically empty: it was odd for tourists to come at that time of the year and, even though few buses came, barely four or five people used to get on every time. On that occasion, the only passengers were Fideo and Handa, who were sitting on the back.
"Have you ever felt your body falling to pieces…?"
"I do not think so," Fideo answered. The idea of playing along with Handa so he wouldn't feel alone tempted him, but he preferred to be sincere with him.
"It's… terrible. Fideo-san, I… have never felt this bad. Ever. At first, when she said she was leaving and I saw her going away, I just wanted to die. It seemed like everything was over for me and, despite all, in my head, I could only thank her for all the good memories and all she had done for me. I burst into tears as soon as I lost sight of her… But, when I compare it to how I feel now, I realise that I didn't feel the blow until much later. When that time finally came, I felt that I was dying for real. They weren't ordinary head or stomach aches; it went far beyond. My hand shakes… Grabbing the glass at breakfast time has been impossible: I didn't have the strength to hold it properly and I've had to grab it with both hands so it wouldn't fall. Using cutlery or even a simple pen is terribly difficult, too… My mum was so worried that she hasn't even raised any objections when I said I was sick and I didn't wanna go to class today. But that was nothing but a minor problem. I… I have troubles breathing. Even something as easy as that… stops. I have to struggle so my chest will keep on moving. It feels as if my lungs filled up with air, but not oxygen, and I constantly feel like I'm suffocating. Yesterday, I was terribly afraid of going to bed, because I felt like I could even die if I stopped breathing during the night… But, today, I just wanna sleep, snuggle up and turn myself off until I feel better, even though a part of me tells me that I'll never recover. But, as soon as I close my eyes, I start shaking so much that I can't fall asleep…
"I don't wanna die, I just wanna… sneak off. My body weakens. I can't think clearly, because anything reminds me of her. Whatever I do, wherever I look, I can only think of everything I dreamt about doing next to her, of the words she said to me, of… that stupid promise of loving her forever, 'cause I thought that, even if it were just as friends, I could be by her side. That'd have been enough for me to be happy… But all that doesn't seem to make any sense anymore. It's been two years of feelings that, suddenly, aren't worth anything anymore…
"I still don't know how she noticed someone like me. I opened my heart to her and she opened hers to me, but, to be honest, I've always thought I've got nothing to offer. I'm not smart, nor handsome, nor have any sort of talent, but she always had a kind word for me. She used to tell me beautiful things…" Handa let out a truly little laugh that, for the first time, didn't seem forced. "Once, she told me she'd been thinking about me during dinner. 'I'm like, I have the greatest friend ever!, and then I proceeded to eat my salad.' She told me I'd become the most important person in her life… And she used to say that I deserved to see myself the way she saw me. She repeated daily that the fact that I couldn't see my virtues didn't mean they weren't there, and that she'd do everything possible to help me love myself more so I could get to see them one day. I never thought I deserved any of those words, though I came to believe that, somehow, I made her life a bit better. I guess all this proves that I didn't deserve them, after all… But how could I ever deserve anything from her? She's… amazing. She's beautiful, popular, charming and works so hard to achieve her dreams, despite all the obstacles she comes across. And, now, those same dreams are gonna push her away from me…
"I… always tried to help her, you know? I loved to watch her rehearse: it seemed incredible to me how hard she worked to improve. I think… that's one of the reasons why I fell in love with her. I saw her in front of me, acting, and she would made me feel a thousand things," he smiled. "For a while, I even responded to her when she acted, so she wouldn't have to do everything by herself. Being in her world, even if it was in such a shallow way, made me so happy… But, a few weeks ago, she asked me to stop doing it. I should've suspected after that, but I swear on the Goddess of Victory I wasn't expecting it. Life in those days still seemed to smile… I didn't even suspect what was cooking around, but the bomb finally fell down and I didn't see it coming. During these days, I've been thinking constantly that that same Goddess of Victory's stopped smiling upon me for some reason, and I can't stop wondering what I might've done wrong to get such a cruel destiny…
"What did I do, Fideo-san? Whatever did I do wrong to deserve this? When haven't I been a good friend? What pushed her away from me? Why does she suddenly think I'm a burden to pursue her dream? …Dammit, what about me?!" Handa suddenly shouted. "Aren't my feelings worth anything anymore!? Do I not have the right to fight for what I want!? I'd have been with her! I know I don't deserve her, but that's exactly why I know I'd have loved her more than anyone in this world! I-I'd have done everything possible to make her happy…! I'd have given my all; I'd have left everything behind! I… could've turned into the person she deserves! Why does she have to do this to me!? It's not fair, dammit! I… am not a toy! She doesn't have the right to treat me like this! She doesn't have the right to degrade the value of all my efforts to make her happy…!"
Handa went silent for a few minutes, huffing and puffing with a completely red face. Fideo wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer, trying to comfort him so he wouldn't feel alone.
"But…" Handa continued, "I can't even get mad for real. All these feelings and all this rage… come constantly, but they always go away. I love her… I love her with all my heart, and I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. She taught me so much, she helped me become a better person and, though we were never truly together, she's taught me too what life as a couple is. And her last gift was to show me what love means, and how extremely much it hurts when someone you love stops trusting you and pushes you away from their side." Handa made a horrible grimace. "She's wrecked my heart, Fideo-san, again and again. She shattered it when she pushed me aside from her life, and she pulverized it when she told me she couldn't pursue her dreams by my side. But I can't get mad. As much as it hurts me, I still want her to be happy… My heart breaks at the thought that she'll find someone better as soon as she gets out of here, but… I almost don't even care. I was wrecked already; one more blow from that hammer won't change a thing.
"What hurts me the most right now isn't being replaced, but… her reaction. I was wrecked, and she seemed so… so calm…" Handa looked down and scowled. His words began to crawl along his mouth, as if they didn't want to come out, and, instead, tears began springing from his eyes harder than before. "She said she loved me, but she didn't seem to doubt or regret it when she left me in the lurch. It's as if she didn't care at all about having to leave me nor about my feelings. And, despite all, I know her words were true… I know she was serious when she said she loved me. Every time she rejected a guy and came back to me, I'd feel the same: 'no one will be able to replace you; no one will ever be able to be like you.' I can't nor wanna believe any of that was a lie. Then, why does she seem so cold now…? Why does it seem like she doesn't care if she hurts me…? And, meanwhile, here I am, unable to accept the situation. I'm so pathetic…" Handa let out a little laugh, but it sounded as if they were driving a stake through his stomach. "I'd never felt this bad. I can't accept destiny. I don't wanna live without her love…"
The rattle of the bus ended up making Handa dizzy, and he even started hiccupping, which prevented him from talking anymore. Fideo asked him to relax for a while as he offered him a handkerchief, and as soon as the bus reached an area with less potholes, Handa fell asleep. Fideo tucked him up with his jacket and looked at him, thoughtful.
He was sorry for him. That poor boy had suffered so much and he hadn't even had the chance to be honest with himself. Being part of Mamoru's team, Fideo thought, he was sure that he would have someone to talk to, but it was clear that Shinichi didn't believe in himself enough to think that his life and sorrows could be of interest to anyone. It was truly sad.
But Fideo wasn't thinking that over. He was thinking about the relationship between Shinichi and that girl, Tsukushi Ootani, and about how different their mentalities were. For Shinichi, that had been a devastating experience. The girl had tried to cheer him up and make him believe in himself; she had tried to create a bond with him, and the result had been the opposite. Malato d'amore, Fideo thought with his arms crossed, wondering how to say that in Japanese. One of the worst illnesses one can suffer. It twists your heart, your mind and your life itself; distorts your reality and you end up not knowing as much as how you feel, which makes letting steam off even harder, if that's at all possible. Anger, rage, hate, sadness, fear; a full amalgam of feelings, some indescribable with mere words, and all of them hitting you at the same time. The angst can even cause health issues, like breathing problems, insomnia or shooting stomach aches. And the worst part, Fideo thought, is that the only remedy is found inside oneself. But, in order to find it, one must look for it, and Shinichi was in no condition to find any sort of answer by himself.
Their situation was the same: the promise to be better. And, nonetheless, he…
The bus stopped and roused Fideo from his thoughts. They had reached their destination. Fideo woke Handa up carefully and they both got off the bus. They were at the bottom of a hillside, in which top a huge steel tower with a plate shaped like lightning stood out.
"So Mamoru is usually around here?" Fideo asked as he picked up his luggage. Handa, who was already holding his bike again, nodded.
"In the morning, at least. I dunno where he goes to every afternoon lately, though…"
"Well, it might be better like that. I would like to talk to you a bit more."
"To me…?" Handa blinked. "About what? Do you want me to tell you stuff about capt'n? We're friends, but it's Gouenji-kun who knows him best… You should ask him."
Fideo let out a little laugh.
"No, Shinichi. You opened your heart to me, and I want to open mine to you as well. Feelings are not given away; they are shared. That is the only way for two people to understand each other and create a bond, do you not think?"
Handa recalled an old passage of his life: a story he had never told anyone, and the almost spiritual union he had with a person that no one could remember anymore, that was never there. And he had no other choice but to bow before the evidence and nod.
"…There're benches up there. And better views."
"I will follow you," Fideo smiled.
Fideo and Handa sat on a bench close to the tree Endou's best friend hung from. The two boys were observing the city of Inazuma bathed by the afternoon sunbeams, although Fideo could feel that Handa had a blank look and was worryingly still. There were still a few hours left before the sun would set, but the sky was turning orange already and its brightness reflected on the steel tower, making the lightning that crowned it shine even more, if at all possible. A gentle summer breeze was blowing, rocking the tyre hanging from the tree and stirring the aroma of the grass and the trees, making the feeling of being in the middle of nature even more absorbing. Birds were warbling, trying to quieten a man that was screeching as he tried to catch a fish at the mountain's little lake, although, rather, it was the fish who was fishing him instead. All those little details created a delicious sensation, and Fideo made a little grimace at the thought that Handa couldn't enjoy it in his state.
"Hey," Fideo said fondly as he nudged Handa's arm to attract his attention. "Are you all right?"
"Ah… Y-yeah. Well, I think so…" Handa replied, rubbing his neck softly.
"Do not feel bad, Shinichi. Your feelings are perfectly normal! I did not tell you before, but thank you for wanting to share them with me even though we barely know each other. It means a lot to me."
"No, Fideo-san; thank you… No one tends to listen to me like this…"
"I am sure Mamoru would pay you the attention you need if you asked him, but, in the meantime, here I am. And, well, I want to share something with you as well."
Handa straightened up on the bench and stared at Fideo.
"I'm listening," he nodded firmly, making Fideo let out a happy, loud laugh.
"You see; I have realised that you see me as some sort of infallible man with women, but nothing could be further from the truth. Truth is, I have never been part of a couple, although it makes me so happy to see the ones that form around me and I have learnt a thing or two by listening to other people's experiences. One of the most important things to remember is that ragazzas are much more than a love bull's-eye: they can be many things, and it is radically different to deal with a girlfriend and a girl friend. Each ragazza, due to her circumstances and the relationship you maintain with her, is unique and special, and there is no advice that can be applied to every case. Remember that, above all, they are people, not mass-produced machines. Within how complex and beautiful they are, we can only aspire to try to understand them, and pray so our instincts will take us to the appropriate answer to each problem. And I warn you: we will not always find that answer. In fact, we will fail the vast majority of the time, and that will cost us dear."
Fideo was laughing, but Handa averted his gaze. He knew Fideo's words were true, but it didn't do him good to remember that the mistake had been his. Fideo noticed it, and that's why he placed his hand over his friend's as he offered him a comforting smile.
"But it is in our hand to keep on trying until we achieve it, however irreparable the problem is."
Handa rose his head. Partially, out of curiosity; partially, out of regard for Fideo; and, partially, because a little part of him hoped to hear of a way to fix his relationship with Ootani.
"The story I want to tell you is…" Fideo's voice turned into a whisper, "very important for me. In fact, I had never told this to anyone, but I think you deserve to hear it. It all started shortly before the FFI began. Orpheus trained daily to get ready for the tournament, and people applauded us in the street. Italy is a country where soccer is extremely important, and that shows in people's love. And, among all the people that rooted for us every day, the most important one for me was a little ragazza called Rushe.
"I met Rushe one day as I headed for the training. I saw a ragazza about to fall down a bridge and I ran to help her, but it turned out that she was not in danger: she was blind, and she had not noticed that she was too close to the edge. We paused to talk and," he coughed, "she 'found out' that I was one of the candidates to become part of Orpheus. Ever since, she turned into my biggest source of inspiration: Rushe fought against her blindness day after day, absolutely unshaken by her disability, and she came cheer for me at the trainings no matter what. In a short time, she ended up loving soccer despite not even being able to see it. She would always tell me that it made her so happy to listen to the stands' screams of joy whenever I scored, so I began to dedicate all of my goals to my little guardian angel." Fideo smiled in a warm way that made even Handa feel better about himself. "And, of course, not only she became my fan, but my friend, too.
"But I soon began to feel bad with myself. Rushe, my little angel, in addition to fighting her demons daily, gave me everything she had and much more, but I could not give her anything in return nor do anything for her. I felt helpless and frustrated. Rushe did not have a broken heart: she was blind, and all the love in the world could not solve that. I racked my brains for weeks, trying to look for a way to be useful and help her, but I could not find it. I was facing a problem that I had never heard of and that had no solution. I did not know what to do.
"All that frustration was consuming me; I guess that, in that sense, I can indeed imagine how you feel, Shinichi. I could not let it affect me, because I knew that it would only make Rushe sad, and I put my mind into fighting those feelings somehow. But, just like you, I was feeling lost: I did not have any way to solve the problem, and to keep thinking about her was only making things worse. I began to notice that my performance was plummeting and, for the first time, I was glad Rushe could not see me in that state. It would be disheartening that she found out that it was her who had provoked all that.
"But, one day, Rushe came talk to me after practice. She confessed to me that she had been told about an operation that could heal her blindness, but she was too scared and had refused it. That was when I saw clearly what my mistake had been: I tried to look for a way to repay Rushe for all that passion and courage she had given me, when, actually, all I should have done was to give back what she gave me. Shinichi, often, ragazzas offer you their heart not in exchange of helping them or solving their life, but in exchange of you offering them yours too. That is a basic lesson that I had been too blind to see. Had I done it that way from the very beginning, Rushe might not have ever been afraid, and the sheer idea tortured me," he sighed. "My little angel only needed me to act towards her the same way she acted towards me, and, despite all the things I knew, I did not notice it. It is… deplorable.
"At that very moment, I crouched down, held her hands and told her that I was afraid, too. The moment I had been getting ready for during years was drawing near, and I could not help being afraid; but if I had made it that far was due to the encouragement she had given me since the day we met. She smiled and her cheeks became as red as a tomato," Fideo laughed. "Then, we promised that we would give courage and strength to each other: if she faced her fears and accepted that operation, I would face mine and bring Orpheus to victory at any cost. We made a reciprocal promise to improve at the same time, and that helped me fight all that frustration and turn it into the strength I needed.
"Let me tell you something, even though I am sure you already know. Soccer is an art, Shinichi. Italian artists have known for centuries that art is born from the feelings a person keeps inside, be them good or bad, and same happens with soccer. There is a very special symbiosis," Fideo smiled to himself, very proud of knowing a word like that, "between human being and art: art feeds on feelings and helps the artist face them. Today's pain can turn into tomorrow's success. There is no feeling you cannot control, and the sum of them all will bring to light the soccer you hide. The soccer you need. …But that, unfortunately, also means that your soccer will not be able to develop as long as you are not able to control what you feel. It is no good using the best paints if the brush is broken.
"Our feelings are different, Shinichi. My promise to improve was reciprocal; yours, I am afraid, is unidirectional. I fought for friendship, and you do it for love. But the facts do not change: your strength arises from your feelings and from whether or not you are able to control and channel them the right way."
Fideo stood up and walked away from the bench until he arrived at the little open ground at the bottom of the tower.
"Stand up. I want to show you something."
Handa, not knowing in the slightest what his conscience was up to, followed his orders and approached him. Fideo asked him if there was any way to get a ball, and Handa took one out of the bushes, having to explain Fideo as well, a few times, why his captain would hide soccer balls around the city.
"…Interesting," was the only thing Fideo managed to articulate before deciding that it was a subject to dismiss immediately. "Tell me, Shinichi," he dropped the ball and began playing kick-ups: "if your ragazza were to come back now, after the way she has broken your heart, would you forgive her?"
"Yeah," Handa nodded immediately and decisively. Fideo offered him an approving smile.
"And if not only she came back, but also told you she wants to be with you… would you date her?"
This time around, Handa remained silent for a few seconds, with an absolutely still body. Fideo stopped his keepie-uppie and hurled the ball at him with a powerful kick. Handa reacted much faster than usual and got out of his little trance by controlling the ball with his chest.
"Answer fast!" Fideo urged him with a frown. "You need not think the answers over; just say what you feel."
"…I dunno. What I feel for her's still intact, but I'm not…" He let out a soft sigh and munched his cheeks unconsciously. He had never had that kind of habit, but one couldn't say he was his usual self either at that moment. To force himself to react, he gave the ball back to Fideo. "Though I'm sure I'll never be able to give up on her as a friend, I can't quite find an answer to what I really feel…"
Fideo made a quick face that Handa didn't get to see.
"I shall guide you."
"H-huh…?"
Fideo grabbed the ball with his hands.
"I want to make something clear," he said, with a much more serious voice than usual, but unable to avoid his usual pronunciation mistakes: "I cannot do anything for you. Love, no matter its shape, consists of walking constantly along the edge of a hole, praying so the person you love will not kick you inside. But you have fallen, and no one in this world other than yourself can get you out of there. You will take long to do as much as stand up, and when you start climbing to get out of there, any little contact, any, will be enough for you to fall back down to the bottom, and all your efforts up to that point will have been useless. Even when you are out, it will be hard to go back to your usual life: the person who used to walk by your side will not be there anymore and that is not easy to come to terms with. And for as long as that lasts, you will be utterly hopeless, Shinichi.
"Right now, you are at war with the biggest enemy you will ever come across: the inner enemy. It is a war in which you will always, always be alone in the battlefield. And I cannot do anything for you. Nor I nor anyone will ever be able to ease your pain nor improve your situation in any way." Fideo stopped frowning and let see half a smile. "But those who love you, we who love you, can give you, hmm… logistical support."
Handa tensed up; he clenched his fists and kept on munching his cheeks until he began to feel a strange flavour in his mouth. He couldn't understand anything. Fideo was talking in a confusing way and he didn't know what to think anymore. Why would he say he would guide and support him if he couldn't do anything for him? He knew he intended to help him, but he was making him furious. He stopped looking at him. It was very hard for him to control his emotions, and even more so to understand them. He only knew that Fideo's words, in which he had sheltered before for seeming like the sensible voice of his subconscious, had turned as confusing and wounding as the ones he heard in his head. His body was heavy, his head was heavy; but, above all, it was the void of Ootani's absence what was weighing him down.
"…You said that those who love me will support me," Handa said very slowly and with a much deeper voice than usual. "Then, why do you support me?"
"What do you mean?"
"According to you, we've known each other for a week. This is just the second time we've seen each other, and you didn't even pay any attention to me the first time. What kinda interest could you have in helping me…?" Handa let part of his frustration show with a face full of resentment. "How can you tell me I can trust you or anyone else if the person that loved me the most has hurt me this bad…?"
Fideo looked around to avoid Handa's gaze and rubbed his teeth with his tongue. In the end, he fixed his eyes on his Japanese friend's and exhaled the air that he had been holding.
"You have been sincere with me, and I think you deserve nothing less from me. Shinichi, this might sound stupid to you, but…" he paused for a bit, like someone doubting for a second before jumping in a pool, "I look at you and I see myself. As you told me everything you felt, even though our situations are so different, it was as if the one talking were a voice in my head, because that is exactly how I felt with Rushe. And, at the same time, what my own head was telling me was 'that was you; that could still be you'." He sighed. "I could never tell anyone any about that, because I thought they would not understand or would not pay attention to me; that is why I find it so important to have someone who listens unconditionally. But as important and valuable as having someone who listens is having someone who understands. Until today, I felt that that part of me was invisible and that no one would ever be able to understand it, but you managed to change that. We might not have known each other for too long, but I feel you very close to me: you think like me and even talk like me. I do not feel so alone anymore in the immensity of my loneliness. You are like my… conscience."
Handa's heart missed a beat. He couldn't believe it, but he was sure he heard right. Fideo had clearly said that he saw him as his conscience. The exact same thought he had had just a few hours ago, when Fideo comforted him with his words. But how could someone of the stature of the White Meteor of Italy have him in such high regard? He was nothing. Fideo had helped him, but he had done nothing to return the favour. He had limited himself to crying and reopening old wounds on the only person who had shown interest in him. And, despite his selfishness, Fideo appreciated him more than ever.
Something inside him was telling him that the answer to his doubts had already been given to him by Fideo, but his logic refused to accept it. That's why he wanted to push his selfishness a bit further.
"But you said yourself that I'm alone at this war… Then, what can you do for me…?"
"Hand my sword over."
Fideo dropped the ball and let it bounce at his feet. Handa, without knowing exactly why, took a step back.
"Shinichi," Fideo said with a deep voice and a little smile on his lips, "I could not have won my war alone. I needed a weapon to fight that battle with, and that weapon was forged from the feelings that once consumed me, just like they consume you, and from the promise Rushe and I made to each other."
The wind got up, and the ground under Fideo's feet began to glow in an intense green colour. Light was reflected in the White Meteor's face and undulating hair, and made the power that was so well hidden inside him shine, the same way the sun makes the moon shine.
"I needed a light that would help me get out of the hole I had fallen into. I needed a pure light that would enlighten my way through the shadows of helplessness and guide me so I could keep my promise."
Suddenly, the glow expanded, creating various perfect circles around Fideo. Between circle and circle, some strange lettering that shone with golden light and Handa wasn't able to decipher stood out.
"But getting out of the hole was not enough," Fideo carried on. "My weapon had to be useful to me too in the war that was waiting for me afterwards. I needed a powerful and infallible sword to make my way through my enemies and achieve victory at all costs. I needed a sword that would give me the courage and confidence to confront any challenge. I needed a sword that, with its light, could enlighten Rushe's eyes."
The ball at Fideo's feet began to accumulate energy at high speed. Waves of the same golden colour as the runes inscribed inside the circles thronged inside the ball, making it gleam and hover in the air at low altitude.
"Shinichi, is there anything in this park that you are not… especially fond of?" Fideo queried with a smirk.
"U-uh…" Handa, who was dumbfounded before Fideo's display of power, took a few seconds to react and as many more to think of an answer. "W-well, once I crashed against that tree over there when some bullies were picking on me," he said as he turned around and pointed at a tree from the forest at the entrance of the park. "It wasn't the tree's fault, but I guess…"
"…Shin."
"…ever since I've got…"
"Odin…!"
"…a bit of a grudge…"
"SWOOORD!!!"
Handa saw an enormous golden sword passing by him, on tip of which he spotted the ball. It moved at a devilish speed and, as it cut the air, it left a trail of circles and runes like those that had appeared at Fideo's feet, which would spread to infinity and get lost there. Boasting of a monstrous power as well as a pinpoint accuracy, the shot headed straight towards the tree Handa was pointing at and split it cleanly, without losing a whit of strength nor even brushing any of the other trees of the forest. The ball ended up smashing against the mountain and was embedded in the hole that the impact itself had produced.
"…against… i-it."
Handa's legs went limp and he fell on his butt. He stared at Fideo with his mouth wide open, who offered him a courteous smile and walked calmly to the forest to pick the ball up. When he returned, Handa was still on the floor, so he offered him his hand and helped him stand up.
"Did you like it?" Fideo asked, going back to his usual, warm voice.
Handa nodded his head hard up and down. Fideo stood looking at the ball with a smile on his lips.
"This technique was born from the same feelings that you are suffering right now, and helped me keep the promise I made to myself." Fideo stretched his arms and offered Handa the ball. "As long as I am in Japan, I would like to teach it to you."
Handa fell on his butt again.
The sun was very low already and the two boys had gone back to the same bench they had been sitting on hours before, where Fideo's luggage and Handa's bike still were. Fideo was aware that Handa wasn't neither in physical nor mental shape to train at that moment, so he decided to not force him to start immediately. Instead, he opted for relaxing next to him and enjoying their time together.
"…I hate the other forward in your team," Handa said all of a sudden in a very serious voice.
"W-what!?" Fideo shrieked. That was the first time Handa saw him losing his temper that way. "W-what was that for? Why…?"
"That wretch…" Handa grabbed his trouser leg and squeezed it hard, imagining it was Raffaele Generani's neck. "I-I dunno how he did it, but… h-he stole my hissatsu…!"
"Your… hissatsu?" Fideo tilted his head; he couldn't understand anything. Was that how he had made Handa feel before?
"My Freeze Shot…" Raimon's midfielder growled. "I dunno where he got it from, but that hissatsu was mine…! I developed it right here, in this park, with capt'n, and no one believes me now…! Everyone thinks I copied it from that dirty thief, but it's he who stole it from me!"
"…Seriously?"
"…Bah," Handa puffed, averting his gaze disdainfully. "I dunno why I'm surprised you don't believe me. You've known that guy for so long and you've only met me a few hours ago… Well, think whatever you want. I know what's true."
"N-no, Shinichi, it is not that I do not believe you, it is… wow. So it was you…"
"Huh…?" Handa turned his head around slowly towards Fideo, and he found that the White Meteor had his eyes fixed on him.
"I already knew that Freeze Shot was not a shot created by Raffaele. What I did not know was that it was… yours…" Fideo half-closed his eyes. "You see, Raffaele is a huge admirer of our captain, and our captain loves Japanese soccer. At training camps, Raffaele would do anything possible to be with our captain, and ended up taking a liking to Japanese soccer out of watching it with him. One day, he told us all that he had seen an incredible shot in a Japanese match, and spent full weeks training until he mastered it. You have no idea how many hours he spent locked in his room, watching the video again and again… But he never let anyone else watch it. It was like his treasure: the only thing we knew about that hissatsu was whatever he wanted to share with us, but he would only talk about the extraordinary technique and control of the player who used it. And when he finally mastered it, it quickly became his star technique. Every goal he scored during the FFI was thanks to that shot. Even Gigi took great pains trying to stop it… It was a truly spectacular hissatsu, which stood out more because of the sublime effect it sets on the ball and because of how hard it was to control it rather than because of its sheer force. The usual for shot hissatsus is to try and knock the goalkeeper down, but that shot broke all of our moulds. And to think that the creator was you all along…"
Handa turned as red as beetroot as Fideo talked. By the time he finished, it seemed like his cheeks were about to blow up.
"A-and," he stuttered as he pouted, "if he admired me so much, why didn't he ever bother saying whose the hissatsu was…?"
"He tried! He looked for that player for a long time, but he could never find anyone with that name. According to him and captain, the speaker called the player…" Fideo went silent for a few seconds, as if he had just realised something stupidly obvious, "…Honda."
"…KAKUMA…" Handa hissed with a sinister and sombre voice that Fideo never heard from himself. "That damned bastard and his inability to learn names properly… When I get my hands on him, I'm gonna…"
Handa's pants were starting to stretch and tear under his hand's pressure. Fideo patted Handa's shoulder.
"Raffaele admires you so much. He never wanted to steal anything from you: he just wanted to show the world what his favourite player could do, and show you what he had achieved by training to be like you. He dreamt with finding you in the tournament and would not stop talking about you as soon as we heard we would be playing against Japan, but you were not in the team. He suffered a huge disappointment. That is why he scored with your hissatsu: it was a way to call you into the field, to say 'you will only be able to win if he plays!' He never thought the effect would be the opposite…"
Handa let go slowly of the trouser leg and tried to calm down.
"That makes me feel better… but it's weird. No one tends to think such good things of me, and the only person who considered me important's now…" Handa bit his lips to stop hurting himself. "Thanks for being so nice to me, Fideo-san. I know I'm hard to compliment…"
"Shinichi…" Fideo put his hands on the bench and stared at him with a serious expression. "You are not hard to compliment. It is just that no one bothers to because they are selfish around you when you help them and they do not return the favour. You deserve a lot more than you usually receive, you really do. You are very analytic and literate when it comes to stories and people themselves, and you know just what to say to anyone no matter how many people you talk to in a day, which I find amazing, because I am not one to keep track of anything. Your motivation at times is something to speak for itself, and you express it in words that no one else I know that could possibly do. You are always there for everyone, and I think it is very sweet that you are. You are like one of those people that I would imagine that does that one good deed when I cross the street and I would feel better about myself just looking at you, and you would not even have to talk to me. But it is a little bit of a sad thought. You should think about yourself too; and I know I should take my own advice, but just because I do not does not mean you should not. You are a cool person that has a great imagination and you are fun to hang out with. Now do not say I do not have anything to say about you, because I do."
"…That really sounds like the stuff she used to tell me."
"That means she meant them from the heart."
Fideo smiled. Handa returned the smile and looked into the horizon.
"…There's something I can't stop wondering," he said. "Fideo-san… why do you treat me so well? You've done nothing but help me ever since you arrived, but I've done nothing for you, and you knew nothing about my situation either when you offered to help me…"
Fideo tapped his chin with his index finger a couple of times, shrugged and grinned.
"Well, and why not? If everyone had to wait until the rest did something good for them before returning the favour, no one would ever do anything, do you not think? I think it is better to cast your bread upon the waters. Also, you returned the favour amply: you listened to me, and that was all I needed." Fideo laughed. "That logic might not only work with ragazzas, after all!"
"You're… a true inspiration," Handa sighed, keeping a small expression on his lips that intended to be a smile.
"So are you, Shinichi. What you did today, the way you let everything out, takes a whole lot of courage. I am sure it must have been so hard for you, but you faced everything head on and I am proud of you. It is not easy to bear feelings such as those."
"You did…"
"No," Fideo said incisively as he shook his head. "I already told you that our situations are very different. I improved with Rushe; you, on the other hand, improve despite that ragazza. It is a fundamental difference that makes your way much harder to walk."
"At least, I might get the Odin Sword to guide me…" Handa smiled, trying to cheer himself up.
"You will," Fideo said with an encouraging smile, which disappeared in an instant, "but that is not enough."
Handa blinked.
"W-what do you mean…?"
"Think about it. The Odin Sword was my way to face my situation. Yours is different, and even more complicated, I would say, so the Odin Sword will not be enough for you. If I am going to give it to you is only so you can start from a basis and learn to get a grip of yourself, but your goal must always be to take charge of your own feelings and create something completely unique out of them. As long as you cannot achieve that, I… I do not think you will be able to get over it."
Handa's spirits dropped to the floor and he lamented his situation once again.
"I wish I had nothing to get over from…"
Fideo wrapped an arm around Shinichi's shoulders and pressed him against his body once again.
"Shinichi, this is a great thing for you. You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game! Sometime, when you least expect it, you will realise that someone loved you, and that means someone can love you again. And that will make you smile."
"There are way too many things I still don't understand, Fideo-san…"
"Like what?"
"I thought…" he said, slurring his words, "we'd have a happy ending. I thought we'd be together for an eternity's worth… I'd promised to love her…" Handa clenched his fists and looked at Fideo in earnest. "I'm sure there's a way out to sew up the wounds and be together for ever and ever… or something like that."
"No," Fideo sprung shaking his head. "There is not. There never is. If love comes to an end, it comes to an end and that is it, and if wounds are to close, they will close on their own. You cannot waste your time trying to fix a romanticized love. They say that love eases your loneliness, but whoever tells you that is not speaking the whole truth. That love is sheer propaganda and publicity, and out of the good things they say it has, you cannot believe even half of them. Remember that that ragazza has hurt you, Shinichi; however much you love her, do not undervalue yourself by putting her ahead of your own well-being. You are the most important person."
Handa lowered his head.
"And how come it hurts so much to have lost her if I know she hurt me…?"
"Because love, when it is strong, keeps no record of wrong. It is easy to forgive other people's wrongs and very hard to forgive oneself. Destiny is trying you today; the path seems long, but, one day, that same love will comfort you."
"I dunno… I… I feel so lost without her…" Handa leant forwards and brought his hands to his head. "After all those things we shared, everything she told me and everything she did for me, she was like… like…"
"Your compass?" Fideo suggested with a hand gesture.
"…No. Like my magnetic north. I know it sounds cheesy, but she didn't steer me, but she was my… destiny. What I did, I did it for her, but, now, all that came is gone and I dunno what to do. I don't understand what's happening to me nor why."
"That is fine, Shinichi. Just remember that your love is the sense behind this injustice, and that what you feel is perfectly normal. It will take some time, but you will find your answers someday, be them that ragazza's or those you reach."
"I know all that 'it will eventually rain in the desert' thing, but… do you think it'll ever stop hurting me…?"
"Hmm… There will be people who will tell you that it will not, but I do not see it that way." Fideo gave him a thumbs up. "It all depends on your mentality. Love is blind, and, just how it comes, it leaves. Even though it is gone today, it will come back tomorrow, and everything will change colour. Say as they might, we have not come to this world to suffer, and you will eventually feel better."
Fideo held Handa's face between his hands. It wasn't a usual attitude in Japan, but Handa didn't have the strength to question anything at that moment.
"One day you will find a ragazza that will make you the happiest Shinichi in the world. I promise."
"I'd already found her, Fideo-san. I… was happy when she loved me."
Fideo and Handa went down the mountain and headed towards the shopping district.
"Where will you stay…?" Handa inquired. "My house's not too big, but if I ask my mother…"
"Do not worry," Fideo replied with a smile. "I came here by invitation of the high school and they let me sleep there. Although I would be grateful if you guided me, ha ha ha!"
"Sure; it's the least I can do," Handa grinned, for the first time in a long while. "You just gotta go down this street and you'll make it to the high school. It's not too far away."
Fideo got a bit closer to Handa and hit him softly on the arm.
"Say, Shinichi, how are you feeling?"
"A bit better…" He said, scratching his head. "As you said, though, I think there's not much you can do for me… I'm starting to get it."
"Someone smarter than me said that never has an orator turned blood drops into rubies. Do you understand what that means?"
Handa mucked about subtly.
"It means that other people's words will never be able to solve your problems," Fideo giggled. "The only one who can heal your wounds is you, as much as it hurts me to not be able to help you… Oh!" Fideo added, "but do not forget to eat many oranges and dark chocolate. Vitamin C and antioxidants are a natural remedy to feel better. Mens sana in corpore sano."
"…You're aware I don't speak Italian, are you?"
"That was Latin."
"…Ah. Right." He coughed. "Anyway, I'm afraid what I'll need is to cry for a few days…" Handa laughed, although his laugh ended up turning into a heavy sigh.
"That is fine; crying is healthy! And I am sure it will help you calm down and understand everything. You will feel much better once you have loosened the knot of pain, you will see. And, when you get tired of crying, or when you simply run out of tears, if you want to tell me, I will be waiting for you. Do not forget that you are not alone."
"You're a great friend, Fideo-san… I'm so glad you found me."
"I do not think I found you," Fideo smiled. "Do you believe in superior forces? I would say that loneliness pushed us. Just imagine it: two stark souls in the big city looking for each other!" He laughed. "It might have been by chance, but it seemed like we were predestined, right?"
"It's a pretty way to put it…" Handa smiled. "I've told you before, but you speak very well…"
"Only because we share a voice, Shinichi."
Fideo stretched his hand out and offered it to Handa, who, despite his depression, was resolved to offer his best handshake to his new friend. It was the least he could do.
"In bocca al lupo, Shinichi."
Handa didn't understand it, but he knew Fideo's voice well enough to know what he was trying to tell him.
"Thanks, Fideo-san."
The two halves of a same conscience took different ways. There was no need to say anything; the silence was eloquent, and the reverberation of their voices remained. They both felt less alone in the world, and a goodbye, although temporary, would have been too painful for the two of them. They preferred to bring that bond home intact, as if they both were constantly right next to each other. As if that goodbye had never existed.
Handa looked at Fideo's jacket, which he was still wearing tied around his waist. And, then, he smiled.
"During the time he was with me, Fideo-san did his best to teach me his Odin Sword, and, eventually, I mastered it. He told me with these same words that, now, it's as mine as his, and I always do my best to honour what he taught me. But he was right: it's not enough. Your goodbye was useless for me, and I had to grow in spite of it. The root of everything I'd achieved was the fact that I'd turned my sadness into something new, and that's why I thought seeing you again could ruin it. That was something I forgot as soon as I saw you again, but I dreamt of the time I spent learning the Odin Sword and all those memories came back at once. That's why I didn't want you to be with me. You hurt me so much, but Fideo-san was by my side and I discovered that, with a bit of soccer, the wounds in my heart, those that you gave me when you left me, would eventually heal. But that day hasn't come yet, and I'm afraid that, if you come back now, the darkness that kept me even from breathing will come back too. That night, something inside me… roared, and I didn't want you to turn into yet another hindrance.
"…It still hurts to think about you. I imagine you with someone else, there, in America, and I feel my world disintegrates. My soul melts down and I fall back into the hole Fideo-san talked about. He told me that, sometimes, you have to let go of some people to allow better people to come into your life, but, no matter how hard I try, I can't get you outta my head… I'm not in love with you anymore, but I still think about you every day. You were an extremely important part of my life and I dreamt of spending the rest of my days with you, and that doesn't disappear just like that… A time came when I didn't want to fix things anymore, and I even ended up falling in love with someone else that, just as Fideo-san said, has made me happy, but… I still wanted to have you back. You taught me so much and you were so special for me…" Handa had to wipe off the tears that, for a while already, had kept him from seeing anything. "I didn't wanna lose you, and I never lost the… the illusion that, someday, you'd come back and tell me everything: why you left me all of a sudden, why you broke my heart right before leaving, why you were so… so cruel…" He shook his head hard. "I became very, very because of everything you did to me, but it'd never last. I'd always end up thinking a single word from you'd be enough for me to forgive everything, no matter what, but that word never came. During all this time, I've never stopped thinking you'd have to tell someone your secret at some point, and that I'd still be here, waiting for you, just as always. It might not be the same way, but… I still love you, Tsukushi-chan, and I always wanted to tell you how I felt, how my body reacted. Not to make you feel bad, but, simply, 'cause… I thought you deserved to hear. I guess you know now…"
Handa looked at Ootani for the first time in a long while, only to find that she was sleeping soundly with a placid expression on her face. She must had been like that for a very long time, enough to not listen to anything worrying, but Handa was so buried in his own thoughts that she hadn't even noticed it. The poor girl, he thought, must have been worn out: she had had to wake up so early to be able to wake him up, and he had the feeling that she had gone to bed very late, too. He had kept on talking, letting out all those things that consumed him, but no one had listened to him. The void he had looked at so much had come back to become, also, the only target of his words.
But Handa was happy about it. He had managed to vent and had avoided Ootani from listening to something that, maybe, he wasn't ready to tell, nor she was to hear. They both needed to level with each other, and it would be better if they did so at the same time.
The car braked suddenly, as violently as it had started. Kira got off and opened the door for the kids.
"We have arrived."
Before waking Ootani up, Handa looked at the building they had parked next to. It was a huge and very ostentatious high school, painted and decorated, mostly, in red tones. And at the entrance, waiting for them, were two men and two boys of the same age as Handa. Out of them all, the only one he didn't know—a tanned, purple-haired man with poorly shaved beard—walked up to him, offered him his hand and smiled at him.
"Welcome to Kidokawa Seishuu, Handa-kun."
