23A/N: That's right. I'm back... AGAIN. FWAHAHAHA.
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The streets of Tokyo were quiet and normal that morning, like they usually were. People walked down the street happily, peacefully making their way to work or school or home, depending on who you were talking about. Nobody seemed to think anything was out of the ordinary, especially in the park.
The vendors on the street near the park were having a great business day, and a classroom full of little kids were there on a field trip. Dogs and their owners played in the grass, and old ladies and old men sat on the park benches, throwing bread crumbs to the pigeons. It was quite a peaceful scene.
Suddenly, the ground began to rumble near a small stone shrine in one corner of the park. Someone was standing nearby it, a wicked look in his eyes.
He leaned over and placed his hand on the shrine, and it began to emit a whining glow.
"Fwahaha," he snickered evilly. "Now, whenever I order it, this Aragami creature will awaken and blow all the pitiful humans in this park to kingdom come. Fwahaha. My perfect plan will never fail for I, Murakumo, the perfect one, have seen to it that it will not fail, and that it will work perfectly."
"Think again, Spanky."
Murakumo narrowed his eyes and spun around to see Kusanagi standing there, his arms crossed over his chest. He glared at his rival and smiled smugly.
"Oh NO. Not you again. You're quite a pest, Kusanagi!" Murakumo growled.
"Nyaaah, you won't beat me this time!" Kusanagi teased. "I've seen to that!"
"Why won't you ever give up? That's precisely the same thing you said to me not only in countless episodes of our series in which I always ended up kicking your ass, but in that really cheesy Mah-Jong omake theater."
"You're WRONG!" Kusanagi yelled. "I DID beat you in the last episode! And I WOULD have beaten you in that omake, had we actually been playing Mah-Jong."
"Regardless, I have no time for you today, you imperfect loser," Murakumo announced, shaking his head. "Though my perfect self would really like nothing perfectly better than to kick your ass yet again, I have my afternoon schedule planned out perfectly, and will not let an imperfect loser like you ruin the perfectness of my perfect schedule."
"'Perfectness' isn't a word,' Kusanagi pointed out. "And just what is it that's so important for you to do this afternoon?"
"First, I must wreak havoc on the human world by finding a bunch of sleeping demons and monsters and Aragami gods and waking them up and siccing them on the city," Murakumo explained. "At 3:00 I have a hair appointment, and at 3:30 I'm getting the blade on my arm sharpened. At 4:00 I have to take my daughter to play group, and at 4:30 I have a coffee date with a really hot willow tree. At 5:00 I have to pick up my daughter again and take her home for dinner, and at 5:30 I have to intercept the pizza I preordered at 10:00 this morning. At 6:00, after preparing suitable drinks and snacks, I must greet all of my daughter's friends as they come in the door for her birthday slumber party, and let them loose on the pizza. At 6:30, we open presents, and I take pictures and say such things as 'Oh, that's so cool!" and 'Oh, Sakura, you know just what my little pumpkin-noodle likes!'. At 7:00, I slip in a monster movie and comfort the screaming girls while catching up on a little reading for my book club. At 8:30, upon completion of the monster movie, I lead the girls in a round of Truth or Dare, and giggle insanely at all of their deliciously juicy gossip about boys at school, none of whom I know but whose names I will remember in case they ever come home hoping to date my darling little girl. Then at 9:30, I will tuck my daughter and her friends into bed, and then spend the remainder of the evening watching Trading Spaces and various gardening shows. AND THAT IS WHY I HAVE NO TIME TO BATTLE YOU TODAY!"
"... Funny... I didn't know you had a daughter," Kusanagi said in surprise.
"I don't seem like the type, do I, swinging bachelor that I am?" Murakumo chuckled.
"How long does it take to do your hair?" asked Kusanagi.
"About half an hour," Murakumo replied. "I take care of my hair every day, to keep it looking perfectly shiny and perfect."
"Well I think your hair looks fine," Kusanagi shrugged, turning away and heading off down the path. "... For an ugly stupid butthead like you."
"WHAAAT?!" Murakumo growled. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY HAIR!? YOU SHALL DIE TODAY, KUSANAGI!"
"That's what I'm talkin' about!" Kusanagi laughed, clenching his fists. His arm blades and long hair shoulder plates and all that fun stuff burst out of his body, ripping yet another perfectly good trenchcoat. He pulled a small notepad out of the pocket of his jeans, scribbling down something with a pencil he happened to have on hand. "Note to self- visit Bisho Depot and buy a new coat."
Murakumo clenched his fists, and his big arm bladey things and longer hair and creepy eyes and shoulder plates popped out of his body as well. Blue electricity burst out of his mitamas and coursed through his body. "WE FIGHT NOW, KUSANAGI!"
"Ready when you are, Buttercup," Kusanagi yelled, hurling himself at the enemy.
"78.5, Code Six 105 North Avenue 52!" screamed Cop #1 into his two-way radio, as he and his partner sped down the streets of Tokyo on their way to the park. "We've got two unidentified males duking it out in the sky, and a crapload of civilians standing around there! Send backup immediately, this could get ugly."
Cop #2, a woman, skidded to a halt in front of the park, and checked to see that the gun in her shoulder holster was loaded. "I'm ready for anything..."
"Let's get out there!" #1 said, throwing open the squad car door and leaping out, following #2 into the park.
It was an amazing sight. Kusanagi and Murakumo, looking like streaks in the sky, were soaring around, slashing and crashing together and yelling insults and generally having a good old-fashioned beatdown with each other. They appeared to be evenly matched, for no matter what sort of mystical powers they attempted to use against each other, they both remained in fighting shape.
"Who in the heck are they?" #1 asked worriedly as the two cops took their places next to the others from their squadron who'd beat them there.
"They're amazing!" #2 gasped. "Look at them fight!"
#1 looked nervous. "And look at all these civilians! I hope no one gets hurt!"
The chief, who happened to overhear their conversation, shook his head and took a sip of coffee. "Don't worry about it #1, #2. This sort of thing has been happening more often lately. I'm sure they'll just finish their fight and move on. We just have to be here in case..."
"MY MITAMAS ARE GONNA RIP YOU APART!" Kusanagi screamed.
The chief pulled a spit-take, and every police officer in the park stared with wide eyes up at the battling duo.
"WHAT did he say?!" gasped the chief.
#1 was brilliant red. "Something about his... mitamas."
"You fool!" Murakumo shouted from up above them. "Your mitamas are no match for mine!"
"Mine are just the same as yours! We're evenly matched! Your mitamas are just as big as mine!" Kusanagi retorted. "And now that I have 8, the same as you, there's no reason why I shouldn't beat you into the ground!"
"You have 8 suddenly?" Murakumo gasped.
"Yeah! Momiji gave me hers!"
All of the cops below them dropped their jaws at once.
"It was a terrible accident, that left her with that one mitama..." Kusanagi growled. "And it was your fault, Murakumo! I'll kill you!"
"Bwahaha! You wish!" he snarled, lunging at Kusanagi.
#2 nudged her partner. "Are they allowed to talk like that in public?"
#1 shrugged. "I don't know... There are children in this park, though! We should really make them stop talking like that."
"AHAHAHAHA! I can feel my mitamas sending power coursing all through my body!" Murakumo cried.
"Mommy... what's that mean?" asked a nearby innocent little girl.
"AGGH, COVER THEIR EARS!" her mommy shrieked, covering the ears of her darling daughter.
"Face it, Kusanagi! Until your mitamas are as perfect as mine, you will never defeat me!"
"Your mitamas aren't perfect! I've seen them! One of them is shriveled, and one leans a little to the left!" Kusanagi shot back.
A wave of female officers were knocked back by their sudden nosebleeds.
"THE CHILDREN! SOMEONE PLEASE, THINK OF THE INNOCENT CHILDREN!" screamed a man.
"My mitamas are PERFECT! They're round and blue and shiny and they glow in the dark! Yours are small and pale and shriveled up like prunes!" Murakumo laughed.
"First of all, it's PC to call them DRIED PLUMS!" Kusanagi yelled. "And second of all, you've only BEGUN to see the power of my mitamas! I can feel them sending power all through my body... They're making me stronger than ever!"
"Ewwwwww..." gagged #1.
"And now, my mitamas will charge up a huge electric laser beam and blow you out of the sky!"
"You fool!" Murakumo cried. "Mine can do that too!"
"Uh hey, YEAH!" yelled a random bum sitting on a park bench. "My mitamas can do that!"
"Dear GOD, they'll all be scarred for life!" yelled the schoolteacher, trying to help the parental chaperones to tie earmuffs onto their kids' heads.
"Why... why can't I hit you!?" screamed Kusanagi. "No matter what I do, it's like you're always guarding me!"
"HAHAHAHA! My mitamas have a mind of their own, and they think and steer my body!" Murakumo yelled.
"I find that to be the case with most men," #2 grumbled under her breath.
"That's it! It's time to get serious!" Kusanagi screamed, as blue energy advanced through his body, sending his mitamas pulsating with power. "I CAN FEEL THEM THROBBING WITH POWER! AND NOW YOU'LL FEEL THAT POWER, MURAKUMO!"
"I'm like, so scared of your imperfect little mitamas," Murakumo sniggered cruelly.
"It's not the size that counts! It's how you use them!" screamed a random man.
"I'LL RIP EVERY MITAMA FROM YOUR BODY!" Kusanagi yelled.
"YEAH! Go Lorena Bobet on his ass, man!" cried a bunch of fangirls, probably including the author.
"TIME FOR THE FINAL CHARGE!" both Murakumo and Kusanagi screamed.
Blue electricity riveted all around both of them.
"YOU'LL BE FEELING MY MITAMAS IN A MOMENT!" cried Murakumo.
"MINE WILL BE RIPPING THROUGH YOUR SKIN!" Kusanagi cried back.
There was suddenly a loud popping noise, and the dramatic charge ended abruptly.
Something wide and heavy slammed into the both of them, knocking them down on the ground. It appeared to be a huge net.
Suddenly, both of them were covered in at least fifty officers, holding them down and beating them with nightsticks and their bare hands and steel-toed boots.
"OW! OW! OW!" screamed Murakumo.
"WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA!?" yelled Kusanagi.
"YOU CAN'T TALK LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC! YOU TWO ARE UNDER ARREST FOR INDECENT... um... INDECENT... INDECENT DIALOGUE!" the chief screamed. "Cuff 'em, boys! Take them downtown!"
Five minutes later, Murakumo and Kusanagi, both back in their normal forms and magically reclothed, were seated in the back of a squad car, crossing their arms over their chests and looking peeved.
"Jeez, what a bunch of jerks!" Kusanagi grumbled. "It's none of their business what we do."
"I agree perfectly," Murakumo mumbled angrily. "Now I'm going to miss my hair appointment and be late picking up my daughter."
"Some people just don't respect the value of a good battle to the death anymore," Kusanagi sighed, shaking his head sadly.
"You are so right," Murakumo agreed.
~END!
