5,170This is it, this is the closing of the last 285 chapters and the storylines that happened in them, the next however many chapters will be like a sequel without starting a new story and stuff where this stuff won't be forgotten about but it will be left in the past while new dramas unfold for the Grey's!
Tuesday 9th October 2012
This is just too nerve-wracking for words. The whole family is here Grace, Carrick, Ray, Margery, Kate, Elliot, Mia, Ethan, Gail, Taylor, Luke, Hannah, John Flynn, Rhian and Sandra.
I hate Christian right now as this was his idea and I knew nothing about it till this morning. Today the Oprah interview airs and he thought it would be good for us all to watch it together. I don't think he gets how open I was in this interview, that I even confessed something to Oprah that I denied to Christian.
Somehow I understand he's proud of what we did with Oprah, giving her access to our most private lives but I hate how he thought we should have a damn party to celebrate. Carrie has the kids upstairs, she's really being the Nanny now while we all settle down for what will probably be the most humiliating morning of my life.
Of course, it's not even ten am yet and we're all sat around with glasses of wine and snacks, talking happily well I'm not doing much talking, I'm too damn nervous to listen to Kate talk about the upcoming wedding when my whole world is about to be turned upside down.
Sandra and Flynn are both watching me intently over their drinks. I'm not surprised either. I've already told Sandra and Flynn that they can meet with me in my study after lunch and we'll discuss the interview and that I won't hide anything from them. In all honesty I think I'm going to need them to support how I'm going to face my family when it's over because right now I want the ground to swallow me whole.
"Oh it's starting!" Mia says excitedly as Christian knocks the mute button off allowing us to be swallowed into the surround sound system.
I glance around the room quickly Mia, Kate, Ethan, Elliot, Christian and I are sitting on cushions on the floor while everyone else have squeezed onto the couches and arm chairs, luckily this room is big enough for us to have two couches one which holds two and one which holds three and two arm chairs which lets admit are big enough to comfortably seat two slim people like Grace and Carrick.
"Today, I get the insight into the life of Anastasia Rose Grey, Author and Business woman extraordinaire at her beautiful Seattle home." Oprah's voice is powerful while the screen shows a zooming out video of this beautiful house. "The house sits on the edge of Seattle's Puget Sound, surrounded by acres and acres of luscious green meadow this remodelled home houses Seattle's richest couple." More pictures of the house from different angles, the outside only so far. "I get to meet and greet with the wonderful Ana Grey, hug her beautiful three week old daughter and sit down with the mogul himself, Christian Grey." Silent pieces of the day's filming are shown in scenes as Oprah's disembodied voice continues. I cling tight to Christian's arm, desperate for comfort from him.
The opening credits roll as does my stomach and everyone seems to be captivated by what's going on the TV and when there's cheering in the studio and the camera pans in on Oprah there's polite applause in the living room too.
"Today I am going to open the doors into the life of Erotic Romance sensation Ana Grey. The business woman, wife and Mom opened her front door and welcomed me into her with openness that I had not expected. In all honesty I thought that Mrs Grey would be trained in avoiding the tough question when all she gave me was the cold hard truth. I must warn you that some of the topics we discuss are of a sensitive nature and may not be suitable for the younger viewers."
The scene changes and it's the view of my front door with Oprah knocking lightly. I smile remembering how she greeted me, how friendly she was and for now I relax to watch.
It's quite funny to see the room I'm sitting in now with my entire family on the TV. Oprah sitting in the armchair where Grace and Carrick are sitting now, she looks amazing does Oprah and I must admit, I like how I look to especially with India in my arms.
It shows Oprah holding India and my offer of drinks and my calling Gail and I see the woman herself cringe through the corner of my eye as her own voice fills the room and then see her relax when they don't show her bringing the beverages.
We're now in the study, just Oprah and I, ready for the interview to begin. Seeing my home on TV is strange, I see this place as cosy and homey but on TV it looks expensive and designer which it isn't, it's a stark contrast.
I can relax for the moment, the start of the interview is a more detailed account of mine and Christian's first meeting and I hear the women gush at my description of the electricity and Christian kisses my head lightly, I feel him smiling though I don't dare look at him.
Of course, the interview flies by to the mentioning of little blip and it's like the whole room is holding its breath. Christian tenses beside me and I snuggle into him more, needing his comfort and giving him some at the same time.
They skip me going to the safe but show the scan of little blip and I have to blink back some tears already. I hear a sniff somewhere in the room but the surround sound makes it impossible to figure out where it came from.
The whole room is silent as is the TV except for my sniffles as I took a minute to regain my composure, Oprah looks at me with such sympathy and she rubs my arm, I wasn't looking at her then in the interview so it's strange seeing it now but what's stranger is seeing me from her point of view and that of everyone else watching around the world.
I remember her asking me if I knew where the interview was heading but that bit is edited out, there is no sign of her checking to see if I know what's happening and the next question comes. The whole room around me is silent and I don't dare to cast a look around. I hate Christian for putting me in this position. I knew they'd see it, I knew the whole family had been talking about it but having them here while I see it for the first time is frightening, I don't know how any of them are going to react to it.
I feel the tension radiating from Christian as I discuss on TV everything I went through when Grey's House was blown up. It horrifying to see my emotions like this, it's different feeling them to seeing them before my very eyes, see my eyes glazed over, the lump visible in my throat, and how I struggle to get the words out while Oprah reassures me with gentle touches and vocal nudges.
When I admit I would have killed myself had Christian been dead his arm tightens around me and he kisses my head though I know his eyes haven't left the screen, he knows what I am feeling.
The interview in the study flows easily and when it's time for an add break I cringe as Oprah's voice gives a run up of what's to come while some of the footage Christian provided of our first Christmas is played.
"When we come back Ana opens up about Perez Hilton and Ryan Secrest…"
They show a three second clip of that section.
"… Her premature escape from London…"
"There was a threat…" My voice echoes around us giving me a chill, I hate remembering that.
"…And the split…"
"Hardest thing I've ever done…" My voice again before the commercials begin to play.
No one moves. I want to but daren't, I don't want to know what anyone thinks of this interview, not now, not ever even though I won't be able to not know forever I hope everyone will keep their opinions to themselves at least till the end or I won't watch it, I won't be able to sit here.
"Before the break you heard how Ana's first pregnancy and miscarriage caused a depression, how she wanted to die at the mere thought of losing her beloved husband and how they celebrated their first Christmas together. It's already proving to be a difficult interview for viewers with many in the studio including myself having to wipe at the tears…" I spot a white handkerchief in Oprah's hand and am surprised, she barely got teary in the actual interview, but I guess watching it back is different. "… Now we move on and the subject matter continues to get deeper."
They leave the studio and it's back to the study and I relax a little into Christian as I begin discussing Ryan and Perez, it doesn't bother me that this is being shown, they spread hurtful things about me and I'm glad I got to admit it hurt to see what they wrote but then the interview moves smoothly to London and the threat, of course this is breaking news, no one knew really about why I left London and most suspected it was the pregnancy but now the truth is out there. However the mood in the room and in the interview changes when it comes to mine and Christian's split.
He grips around me tight and I know he's worried about what I said. I didn't mean to but we promise to be open and that's what I was, and anyhow what doesn't kill you…
As soon as it's over it's time for another add break. The mood in the room is thick with apprehension and I feel the tension radiating around. I don't know what anyone is thinking still and I'm nervous to find out but a quick glance towards the one woman who will help me deal with this and I smirk when I see her with a pen and notebook, I guess she's taking notes.
"After the break we'll be back with Ana and India as we take a tour of the lovely garden and I get to see the memorial tree…" A picture of Blip's tree is shown briefly. "We talk about her Mom's illness…"
"She looked so frail and sick…" My disembodied voice carries around us.
"The rumoured hospital trip…"
"I was rushed from the house…"
"… and her Mother's passing."
"… She was gone…"
The add breaks play again and this time there's a little more movement in the room with people topping up their drinks and helping themselves to snacks but no one talks, not a word passes between anyone.
It comes back and yet again it's Oprah in the studio, sat down this time with a camera directly on her.
"As you've all just witnessed Ana took the interview by storm and held nothing back. The pure honesty that comes from her words and actions in the next piece will break you hearts but I am strong in the belief that there is a happy ending for this woman." She says before its back to the interview.
It's hard to watch myself talking about some of the darkest emotions. Confessing how ill Mom was hard and seeing myself near sobbing on TV makes me cringe but I don't cry this time. I'm done crying over all of this even though I feel hurt inside my chest, my heart is still healing from the agony of the last few months I also know Oprah was right in what she said before the break, there is a happy ending in this story, there just has to be.
This part of the interview is still outside and I talk to Oprah about Swedish, and my Mom's death before yet another add break.
"After the break Ana and I talk about the hours leading up to her admission into Fairfax Behavioural Hospital…"
"…it's like a jigsaw puzzle that I can't put together…" I actually think it's very clever how they show a tiny snippet of each section of the interview with my voice between Oprah's disembodied voice.
"…her depression…"
"…consumed by grief and severely depressed…"
"And suicide…" My breath hitches, she cannot reveal this now, I'm not ready!
"Did you ever contemplate taking your own life?" Oprah's body, her face, her voice then it switches to mine, eyes downcast, guilt written on my features but it cuts to the add before I say the word.
Christian strokes my arm and kisses my head as the three minute commercial break plays out and once again we're in Oprah's studio.
"What you've heard so far has been heart-breaking. The emotion Ana gives us is real, this isn't a movie but her life that she's opened up to us but we've not reached the end of this tale. In this next part we're going into the darkest part of Ana's world, where she herself admits coping didn't seem like an option."
Oprah's words resonate in my mind even though the interview has resumed. I'm too distracted to even consider listening but it's not like I don't remember talking about the lost thirty hours of my life and the admission into Fairfax. The fifteen odd minutes pass too quickly and I see everyone shifting uncomfortably when we skimp over the details of Fairfax.
"Did you ever contemplate taking your own life?"
I can't look at the TV or at anyone in the room and instead drop my head to my knees.
"Yes." My voice, clear as day resonates around the room. There are gasps and hitched breaths, I hear them all and tears fill my eyes but I bite them back, I will not let this win, I win, I am stronger than the depression that consumed me back then. "At that time… I didn't want to live anymore… I didn't know how to live anymore…"
I look up to see the camera fixed on my face as my hand brushes away a stray tear, it zooms out a little and shows a sympathetic Oprah looking at me and we're both silent, I don't remember the silence dragging out like that and then Oprah wipes her tears away, I do remember that.
"Was it Fairfax that helped you? Helped you stop feeling like that?"
"In some respect yes, but I think it was more Christian and India…" Christian's arm tightens around me and he breaths in my ear before kissing me. I lose myself in the feel of him, not wanting to listen to the TV anymore, I know what comes next.
Thankfully another add break and this time Oprah's voice sounds happier.
"After the break we'll be back with Ana, India and Christian…"
It shows Christian holding around me and India, smiles on our faces and a slight slo-mo of him kissing my head then India's.
"And we talk pregnancy and the heir to the Grey fortune."
I am relieved. The worst part of the interview is over even though I am yet to know what my family think. I don't actually want to know but bravely I cast a quick glance around the room to see many of my loved ones wiping tears away from their cheeks and sniffing. I hate that I've upset them and quickly turn back to put my head on my knees.
"I love you." Christian whispers in my ear. "Always."
I don't reply though I know he knows my reply will be that I also love him. I just don't want to move yet.
The last part of the interview has me in floods of silent tears but not sad ones. Happy ones. Christian, India and I look like the perfect family, the love we share for each other is so obvious and everyone in the room laughs along with the Christian and Ana on screen. It makes me happy and relieved that this how the episode will end, though I dread to think what will be in the papers tomorrow.
"So there you have it." Oprah's voice rings as we join her back in the studio. "Ana Grey's life has been anything but the fairytale that some of her fans would like to believe. She has shared with us her heartbreak, her sadness, the worst and darkest moments of her life since her marriage but through all of that we got to see that Ana Grey still had hope and love and because of that hope and that love Ana Grey hasn't let all that has happened to her taint her. I look forward, like many, to see what Ana does next, where her life goes both professionally and personally and I hope next time, if there is a next time, there will be more happiness to discuss when I see Ana next. Thank you all for watching and thank you to Ana and her family for opening the doors of their home to us. Goodbye."
As the closing theme begins to play no one moves in the room. I don't know what to do with myself and eventually manage to push myself from the floor and leave the room without looking at anyone. I don't even make it fie steps down the hallway before a hand clasps my shoulder.
"Ana…"
"I'm going to my study, let Sandra and John know they can join me when they're ready." I say unable to turn to look at my husband's who's voice gave away some of his emotions without me needing to.
"Ok…I'll have Gail start on lunch, we'll eat together unless you want to do something different…"
"Maybe we could go out to eat?"
"I'd rather stay here." Christian says, I guess he's not ready to go out with this having just aired across the country.
"Fine." I say before walking away, I don't need to hear anymore.
I can imagine there is some of the local press already camped outside the front gate and it won't be long before more and more arrive. There's nothing more to say but the evening papers today and tomorrow's morning ones are most definitely going to be reporting on my Oprah interview and I don't know quite what to make of it.
Was I naive in thinking that I could confess all of this without some backlash? Did I really believe honesty was the best policy? Whatever happens now that tape is out there, it will always be out there. Someday, India will be able to look at it, India will be able to find out how I felt during the time I was pregnant with her and there is nothing that I can do to stop that.
My head is a mess right now. In comparison to where I was when everything was going on to now I am in a much better place emotionally and mentally and I know that, other people know that… jeez now the entire country will know that … or will they? I don't know what to think, a part of me regrets that interview so much already but then remembering how good it felt getting the truth out, offloading it all and finally being honest stops me from being able to completely regret it.
I sink onto my cushioned windowsill and peer out over the Sound hoping I can answer the accumulating questions I have without having to have some sort of breakdown or argument or confrontation with the two shrinks who will be entering my study soon.
I know it's not possible to have all the answers, no one can have all the answers but I have never wished that I had them more than I am wishing now. I want to know what the family think without subjecting myself to the torture of having to listen to them talking about it. I need to know what they think because what I'm thinking right now isn't good. I wonder if Ray is humiliated at having a daughter confess on National TV something she would have outright lied about to his face or maybe Carrick is ashamed at having a daughter-in-law who admitted to wanting to take her own life. Maybe they think I'm not better and will try and force me back into Fairfax…
"Ana can we come in?" Sandra stands in the open doorway, waiting for my permission to enter my little safe haven and by 'we' I know she means herself and John. I don't speak because I don't know if my voice will betray any of my emotions but a single nod of my head is enough to having them walk in and shut the door behind them.
"Can we sit?" John asks signalling the L shaped couch, again I just nod but I make no attempt to move from the windowsill which doesn't really matter, one half of the L faces the window anyhow and they both elect to sit there and face me.
"So how are you doing? I'm sure you have a lot to talk about." Sandra says getting straight to the point, I just about manage a sigh before I turn away to look over the Sound once more, I don't want to see anything on their faces when I talk.
"I don't regret it." I say quietly, I'm actually unsure whether me saying that is me trying to justify it to myself or make it clear to them.
"That's good, you shouldn't." John says making my head snap towards him. "What you did, opening up to everything like that was brave Ana, it was very courageous and you should know your family is proud of you."
"They are?" I question, unsure whether or not I want to doubt him though naturally I do.
"Yes, extremely. We had a brief discussion with them before we came to see to you. Just to make sure no one else needed us too." Sandra replied, damn I'm being tag teamed here.
Proud? I can handle that. My family is proud of me. Though why they are proud I can't imagine all I know is that they are and that makes me happy. Very happy indeed though it doesn't quite extinguish the other emotions I'm feeling as pride can accompany a vast array of emotions to them too.
"Why don't you tell us what you're thinking Ana? What you were thinking watching that?" Sandra suggests.
"I don't know." I sigh looking out the window. "I… I guess seeing it like that put it all in a whole other prospective for me in a way. I'm starting now to try and see it from their point of view."
"Their? You're family?" Sandra asks and I just nod, my voice would be strained if I dared try to use it at the moment. "And what is it you're seeing from their point of view?"
"It was hard to see me like that, I've always seen myself as strong minded and strong willed but for the first time I saw my vulnerability, I saw my weaknesses and my flaws laid out before me the way they see them. I saw my pain and my anguish in front of my very eyes and I saw how broken I was." I reply, my voice shaking with every word and breath.
"I think Ana you just summed something very important up." John says in a manner that has me unable to resist looking at him. I hope to read something but as always he appears very stoic, giving nothing away whatsoever. "You said I saw how broken I was, past tense, do you still think you look like that now?"
"Now as in this minute?" I ask and he shrugs. "Right now this minute I feel broken again but I wasn't this morning, I wasn't over the weekend, I guess yes it's past tense. I'm not fixed completely if you will but I'm mending, I'm healing."
"Do you think your family see it that way Ana?" Flynn continues. "Do you think they see you as broken or as you see yourself as mending, healing?"
"I don't know." I shrug and shake my head, how am I supposed to answer over them, I haven't spoken to them or looked at them since that interview began.
"Would you like to know what we think? What that interview made us think?" Sandra asks trying a new tactic out for size.
Good question. Do I want to know what they think? They could tell me that the interview was good, that my honesty was the best policy but then they could tell me it was bad and that they think I'm in need of another stay at Fairfax.
"Ok." I say my voice so quite I'm unsure whether I actually spoke the words out loud or not.
"Ok." Sandra smiles, I guess she heard me, she nods over at Flynn, encouraging him to begin and I let my eyes fall on him, hoping his face will betray his words if he lies to me.
"Ok well for me I felt for the first time you were being completely honest with yourself while being honest with everyone else. You knew what you were doing, you kept control. I'm proud of you Ana just like your family is. You did appear vulnerable but I wouldn't have said weak, the word weak doesn't at all come to mind quite the opposite actually, strong. Your strength as well as your vulnerability appeared to us all and it was quite the cocktail. I don't think you should feel broken or embarrassed about what you did in admitting the hard truth, you should be proud and feel the strength you displayed." John says with his passion in his voice and on his face, he believes this, it's his honest opinion and I manage to give him a small smile.
"And I completely agree Ana. It may have been difficult for you to sit there watching it as it was for the rest of us but we needed it just like you did. Everything you've kept locked up inside you was revealed in that interview and it was the last step for you to complete before you could completely move on. You admitted more in that interview than you ever did with me and yes I admit I feel a little put out…" I hear the teasing in her voice and manage a small smile in her direction. "… but then as my patient, I'm glad you've been able to get it out there, to stop keeping it all locked up in side and having said the words out loud realised them for what they are. You can move on now completely Ana."
She's right. I can move on now, I've done everything she told me to do in being honesty not only honesty with Oprah and the whole world but also with myself, that's what I was doing when I was honest with Oprah, I was being honest with myself.
I leave the windowsill and hurry over to the safe. I don't say a word or look towards the two shrinks who I know are watching me with interest. After punching in the code I find what I need and slip it into the pocket.
"There's one last thing I need to do." I tell them and they look surprised at me but don't ask any questions. "I need to do this before I can really move on too."
"Ok, are you going to share with us what that is?" John asks and I smile and shake my head.
"Not at this very moment but I'm hoping you'll both be here when I get back?" I'm unsure whether I'm being presumptuous or not but I need them to be here when I get back from where I'm about to go.
"That we can do." Sandra smiles.
"Ok… I don't know how long I'll be but … I need to do this." I say with a small smile that's more real than any I've given in a long time.
"Go do what you need to do Ana and we'll be here when you get back." John encourages.
I hurry out of the study and I'm glad I don't see anyone on the way. I guess they're all held up talking somewhere or doing something and that leaves me to grab my car keys and slip through the door. Even from my vantage point I can see the accumulation of the press at the gates and I sigh, this is going to go on for a few days but there's nothing I can give them now, there is no other breaking news story because I gave them all to Oprah.
I slip into the driving seat of my TTS and I'm quickly on my way. The gates open without hesitation and the press go wild snapping photos and yelling questions as I pull out of the driveway. I chance a glance in my review and put my foot down when I see some of the press chasing me on foot.
As soon as I'm safely on the interstate I knock the radio on to drown out my thoughts and I'm sadly not surprised when my name comes up in the conversation between the two radio DJ's.
"So breaking news around the entire world is Ana Grey's interview with Oprah Winfrey where she confessed her darkest secrets."
"Yes." The other mumbles.
"Think it was a publicity stunt needing to get back up after having a baby?"
"No, the Grey's have always prided themselves on privacy I think this was more Ana saying F- you and showing everyone that yes she may have been through some tough stuff but she's also made of tougher stuff, no publicity stunt there Darius." The woman replies, I decide I like her but the man Darius maybe not so much.
"Yeah you're right, I think she was brave I mean not many people would admit at one point to wanting to kill themselves on National TV."
"And now that's making international headlines." The woman points out, maybe this Darius isn't so bad and is just a typical radio DJ trying to cover all his basis.
"Well I highly doubt it but if you're listening Ana Grey you've got our support in whatever life does to you next and this song is for you." Darius says and I smile, I am listening and I'm grateful.
I don't recognise the song that comes on but I sway anyway to the introduction it's nice.
Now that you're out of my life I'm so much better
Thought that I'd be weak without you but I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without but I'm richer
Thought I'd be sad without you I laugh harder
Thought that I wouldn't grow without you but I'm wiser
Thought that I'd be helpless without you but I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without you but I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without you sold nine million
Ok maybe I do know this song a little, and surprisingly it's quite fitting. I mean ok this is about a breakup but it could be associated with many other things for me, maybe the depression is the 'man'? I don't know but I like it and crank up the volume in time for the chorus to which I remember the words and sing loudly along.
"I'm a survivor, I'm not gon give up, I'm not gon stop I'm gon work harder, I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving."
I carry on towards my destination with the song playing loudly around the car, it's perfect for me, the chorus anyhow. I am a survivor, I survived depression and suicide I heard is what they put on the autopsy report of those who died of depression.
I arrive at my destination and stay in the car to listen to the rest of the song as it's giving me what I need at this moment, it's reminding me that I am survivor completely.
Once the songs done I switch off the car and climb out, my hand wrapped around the object in my pocket as I knock the lock and walk the short distance to my final destination.
I smile when I arrive at my Mom's grave. It's covered in flowers and I know that Bob has had some delivered as well as Ray probably, I know I have a bouquet sent if I don't feel like coming up and I also know Christian is paying someone to remove the old flowers so the grave is always beautiful. I can't wait for the ground to settle enough that the small white cross can be removed and we can have a granite headstone put in. I didn't know till my Mom's passing that you had to wait a while but now I do it gives me time to get the perfect inscription chosen and placed on it. One that will make everyone think of Mom when they read it.
I kneel down in front of the grave and pull the pink envelope out of my pocket. It's quite cold right now but I barely feel it as my shaky hands open up the envelope that has been plaguing my mind for many weeks. It's going to be strange finally knowing what this letter says but this is it, the end of an era, the end of a chapter of my life as of today I'm moving on and it can only go up from here.
My darling Anastasia Rose,
My baby girl. I will always remember the day you were born, I was so scared yet excited and when they finally announced you were a girl and placed you on my chest I just knew that you'd grow up to be an amazing human being and I was right, you have.
You are my world Anastasia though I didn't let you know that half as often as I should have done. After your Father died I was depressed, so much so that I contemplated giving you away though I couldn't be more thankful now that I didn't and that I got better. I wish you could have met him Ana, he was amazing and every time I look at you I see a part of him living along us inside of you. He loved you so much and would have been an amazing father, but of course, life doesn't always give us what we expect, I'm sure you're in the process of learning that now.
I'm writing this letter in the hope I get to tell you everything I would like to have told you while I was alive. I know you won't read this till I'm gone and probably am six foot underground but if not please don't mention to me that you've read this, it would hurt to know that you know the truth from this rather than from me.
I want to say I'm sorry that I gave up fighting. I know you would have wanted me to be strong but I couldn't do it anymore Ana. My entire life has been one fight after the next and I'm just done fighting, I'm done trying to win a war I have no hopes of winning.
Also there's the case of that little girl growing inside of you. Yes, I know it's a girl without technology, call it Mother's instinct or Grandma's instinct. I just know that little girl is going to be your double and that she's going to be your entire world. I want to take this moment to explain her middle name to you. I know I told you it mean's Grace and that I wanted her to have a part of her and me to grow up with but look at it closer Annalise. She also has a part of you in her name, just how she should have, my Ana and your Anna.
I don't know what's prompted you to open this letter, at this moment, in this place. However whatever it is, wherever you are, remember there are people around you who love you so much, and they're there for you. Don't bottle up your emotions anymore Ana because it's not good for you.
I have only one more thing to say to you Ana. Move on with your life, stop living in the past because it's behind you. Hakkuna Matatta, Lion King was one of your favourite movies growing up do you remember that line "You've got to put your behind in your past…" "No, no Pumba, you've gotta put your past behind you." And that is what you have to do now Ana, you have to put your past behind you and look to the future. You're a Mom, a wife, a daughter, a business woman, a friend, an author, and an all-round inspiring and amazing person. Be that person every day, look in the mirror and remind yourself that you are amazing because you are and you have got to start believing it.
I love you so much Ana, so much and I will love you forever and always
Love,
Mom Xx
I wipe the tears from my eyes and read the letter once more. My Mom is the one who's amazing. It's like she was the final note in me realising that I have got to move on and really move on from everything that's happened. It's like a chapter closing and the way she has written something similar to what I wrote in that poem shows just how alike we both think.
I smile at the headstone and send my love up to heaven before getting up and brushing the dirt off my knees. This really is what I needed, the final nail in the coffin but in a good way, now I can move on because I have Mom's permission, not that I needed it, it's just that it makes it feel more final.
Once back in the car I turn on the radio again and the two voices that were there before greet me.
"We're taking requests right now! Call us on…"
I grab my phone and punch in the number and I'm grateful when it begins to ring so I turn the radio down to be able to hear the phone answering.
"Hello caller what's your name and where are you from?" Darius' voice hits my ear.
"Hey Darius it's Ana Grey from Seattle."
"The Ana Grey?" He's shocked. "How do we know it's really you?"
"Want me to tell you something only I would know though you still wouldn't be true whether that was a truth or a lie anyhow?" I ask giggling.
"The giggle is enough, we've heard it a lot on talk shows but go on Ana and give us a fact about yourself that no one else knows."
"I wrote a poem called who am I? On a day I was feeling better when I was pregnant." I say with a smile, it's the first thing that pops into my head as if I'm right I don't think Christian has ever seen the poem.
"So Mrs Grey, where are you listening to us now?" The woman asks, I don't even know her name but smile at the phone when I reply.
"Just heading home in the car." I reply, no need to tell them where I'm coming from.
"Ok Ana what song would you like us to play and why?" Darius asks.
"Kelly Clarkson, Stronger, what doesn't kill you because I'm done living in the past, it's time to stand up brush the dirt off my knees and move on and I'm ready now." I say not caring that many listeners can hear me.
"Great song and a great reason so for you Ana Grey, Stronger, Kelly Clarkson. Enjoy."
"Thank you." I reply before hanging up and cranking the stereo up and heading for home.
You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in colour
And do the things I want
You think you got best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me cause your dead wrong
Ok the lyrics as a whole don't work for me or my situation unless we say the apparent partner in this song is the depression that was winning and taking over my life, then it makes complete sense but the chorus…
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean that I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you make you stronger, stronger, Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean that I'm alone
The traffic is a little worse as I head for home and as the song finishes I smile because I am stronger now. The next woman requests Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood, it's not a song I'm familiar with but when I really listen to the lyrics I can see it's the theme song for me right now.
There's some things that I regret
Some words I wish had gone unsaid
Some starts that had some bitter endings
Been some bad times I've been through
Damage I cannot undo
Some things I wish I could do all all over again
But it don't really matter
When life get's that much harder
It makes you that much stronger
Oh oh some pages turned
Some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes
And every day I wondered how I'd get through the night
And every change life has thrown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every scar
Some pages turned
Some bridges burned
But there lessons learned
I arrive home, speed through the gate pass the press but when I pull up outside the house I don't go in wanting to hear the rest of this song right now. I spot Christian come from the house but he silently climbs into the passenger seat and takes my hand to listen with me.
There's mistakes that I have made
Some chances I just threw away
Some roads I never should have taken
Been some signs I didn't see
Hearts that I hurt so needlessly
Some wounds
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend
But it don't make no difference
The past can't be re-written
You get the life you're given
Oh oh some pages turned
Some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes
And every day I wondered how I'd get through the night
And every change life has thrown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every scar
Some pages turned
Some bridges burned
But there lessons learned
Christian holds me as I take off my belt and lean into his side. He kisses the top of my head, saying nothing I guess understanding that I'm listening to this song which resonates with every word within me. It's just perfect for me and I wish I'd heard it long before today as it would have given me the pick me up I really needed, unless hearing it today after realising that I'm ready to end the chapter of my life is important before I start a new one
And all the things that break you
Are all the things that make you strong
You can't change the past cause it's gone
You just gotta move on
Because it's all lessons learned
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes
And every day I wondered how I'd get through the night
And every change life has thrown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every scar
Some pages turned
Some bridges burned
But there lessons learned
When the song finished I take the key out of the ignition and silence the radio before I turn to Christian and kiss him. I kiss him like my life depends on it, he was my sole reason for surviving before India, he still is one of two and I need to let him know that I'm grateful to him, that I love him, that he means everything to me and I don't know how to do that with words, I doubt Christian would believe me if it was just words. He kisses me back just as vigorously, he holds me tenderly while he allows me to dominate the kiss.
"I love you." I say when the kiss finally breaks, resting my forehead on his, somehow I've climbed from my seat and am straddling him.
"I love you too Ana." He replies looking confused. "Is everything ok?"
"Everything is fine, perfect. It's done Christian, it's done."
"What's done baby?" He asks as I move my head to his shoulder and he wraps his arm around me.
"The past, it's done it's behind me now. I want to focus on the future, being your wife and India's Mom and getting the books out and expanding AG even further. I'm done grieving and I'm done with being depressed. I'm just done."
"Done?"
"Done. I'm ready to let it all go."
"What brought this on Ana?" He asks, his fingers stroking up and down my bicep gently.
"That interview Christian… that was me finally getting it all out there and letting it go and I didn't realise that at first but then I did, I got the letter my Mom wrote me and I went to her grave and I read it and I just knew I was ready now to move on, it's been it's happened and it's gone. So what the papers are going to report on it for a few days and it's splashed all over the world. I'm done with it all. I'm ready to move on."
"God I'm so proud of you." He says before kissing my temple. "You're the strongest person I've ever met you know that?" I shake my head, is he just saying that? "You've had one of the worst years of your life and you've come out of it on top Ana, no one is saying a bad word about you or what you said on Oprah, your twitter is flooded with messages of support, people are grateful to you because by confessing your darkness they've seen their own and are seeking help. You are an amazing, strong and beautiful human being."
"I think I'm starting to believe that." I reply with a smile as I look him in the eye.
"Good because it's true." He says just as my belly rumbles, kind of spoiling the moment making us both laugh. "Hungry?"
"Starving."
"Then come on. Your family is waiting on you for lunch." He says nudging me to get off his thigh.
As I head for the door I turn around to look at the press, they're all going wild with seeing Christian and I and I take his hand and smiling I wave to them, I don't know how much they'd capture of that picture with them being so far away but I don't care.
Stepping into the house I follow Christian into the living room still smiling. The entire clan is there and they stand to meet me, looking relieved when they see me smiling brightly, I can't wipe the smile off, I feel so light, lighter than I have in God knows how long.
Then the room comes alive, I greet my family and hug them all, Grace the tightest as she kisses my temple and strokes my back.
Then Carrie passes me India and I hold her tight and kiss her and she blesses me with a wide smile. This is just perfection for me. I feel on top of the world and I know the feeling won't last but I also know that I won't feel as heavy as I did when I woke this morning for a very long time.
Gail, Grace, Mia and Kate has prepared a wonderful lunch and we all sit in the dining room to eat together. The conversation flowing around the table without a problem and for the first time in God knows how long I join in, holding India in my arm and eating single handed I happily talk about the up-coming wedding with Kate and Elliot, trying for a baby with Hannah, retirement with Grace who wants to focus on volunteering more now she's older, the adoption process with Gail and Taylor and I feel like this is a dream, one I never want to wake up from.
