8Disclaimer: Castle clearly isn't mine. If it was, it would be one big orgy of 24/7 hotness... just sayin'. (see profile for a REAL disclaimer)
A/N: I know that Castle/Beckett at Ryan and Jenny's wedding fic is pretty cliched at this point, but I couldn't resist.
It was late.
It had been a perfect day. The wedding was beautiful and the reception had been fun and laid back, but the DJ had just announced the final song and most of Ryan and Jenny's guests had either left or long since retired to their rooms in the main part of the hotel. What few couples remained either lingered on the dance floor or sat at the tables strewn across the room with bowed heads and shy smiles, lost in their own little worlds as they talked the night away. None of that mattered though, not to Kate Beckett, all of it faded into the background the moment that Castle slid his arm around her waist and tugged her closer, transitioning seamlessly from the fast tempo beat they'd been dancing to moments ago to a gentle sway.
Everything felt so right with him. It had been a long time since she'd felt that way and even longer since she had been able to let go and be herself, forgetting about murder and snipers and catching the bastard that killed her mother. Contentment was such a foreign sensation to her, as welcome as it may have been, that it made her hesitate for a moment before bridging the small gap between their bodies and settling her palm just above his heart.
In a perfect world she saw herself shifting in his embrace as the music as the music swelled, her cheek just barely grazing his jaw before brushing their lips together in a tentative kiss. From there it wasn't hard to imagine leading him off to her room, pinning him to the door once it shut, and letting four years of pent up tension and lust consume them in a night of passion that neither of them would ever forget. But the world wasn't perfect and neither was she.
Instead, Kate sighed softly and leaned her head against the side of his, wishing that she had the courage to dive into a relationship with him before it was too late. More than anything she longed to stay wrapped up in his arms like this for the rest of her life, but she wasn't quite there yet. She still had a way to go before she was whole and healed, and she wasn't going to start something that she couldn't finish. It wouldn't be fair to either of them.
Castle's hand was strong and steady against the small of her back, the warmth of his breath tickling the side of her neck, "You're awfully quiet all of a sudden."
"Just thinking," she smiled languidly.
"About what?"
Her heart fluttered, the truth slipping out before she could stop herself, "Us."
He tensed against her and her eyes squeezed shut, silently cursing her own stupidity. Really? Everything had been going so well up to that point.
"Us?" he whispered, hopeful yet cautious.
She could tell that he was struggling not to push her, to keep all of his questions to himself, to not move too fast or assume anything. It was what made her love him that much more, a revelation that up until recently she'd only been able to admit to herself. Doctor Burke had a lot to do with it- he helped her finally say it out loud and then figure out what had to happen before she could say it to the one person that mattered most. Was she really prepared to take that first step though?
"Kate?"
It was now or never.
"I have something to tell you, but you have to promise to let me explain before you say anything."
His shuffling feet slowed to a stop and he tried to lean back to meet her gaze, but she wouldn't let him. Her eyes widened, fingers automatically gripping the lapel of his tux, holding him in place.
"Promise me, Castle," she almost begged, she was afraid that she couldn't do this if she could see the disappointment on his face.
He seemed to think about it for a moment, a terrifyingly long moment from her point of view, but soon he was bringing her other hand to his chest as well and covering both of them with his own, "I promise."
"I-" she started, her throat tightening as fear settled in and took hold, "I don't know if I can do this."
Pressing a barely noticeable kiss to her hair, he nuzzled closer under the guise of comfort and held her tight, "It's alright, take your time. I'm not going anywhere."
That made her heart ache. He'd been so sweet to her all evening and she knew that her secret would likely break him. She had to tell him though, she'd been lying long enough.
Squeezing her eyes shut, her jaw clenched and she braced for the worst, "I remember..."
Kate winced when she heard him gasp, waiting for him to react, to get angry, yell at her, but he remained quiet.
"I remember feeling the bullet and landing on the ground. I remember how blue the sky was... and I remember what you said," she took a shallow breath, her voice breaking, "I was so scared Castle, confused about Josh and you and my own feelings that when you showed up at the hospital I did what I always do- I ran. I'm not proud of it and I hate that I hurt you so much, but if I'd let you stay I would have said it back."
"Would that have been so horrible?"
"Yes," she whispered, a tear sliding down her cheek as her stomach churned, hating the that she was the cause of the pain in his voice, "We would have been happy for a few months, probably through most of my recovery, but then I would have pulled away like I've done in every other relationship and I couldn't do that to you. When we do this, when we become an us, I don't want to do it halfway. I need to be- more- for you and for me. You deserve so much more than I am right now, Rick, and I'm so close, but I need to finish healing first. I just- I need a little more time. I'm almost there, the wall is almost down, but I'm terrified that you won't be here when I'm done.
I'm sorry that I lied to you for so long, you didn't deserve that, I should have told you the truth from the beginning," Kate took a shuddering breath and tucked her head against the crook of his neck, "I know you're angry at me, and you have every right to be, but will you wait for me? Just a little longer?"
The tension in Castle's body practically vibrated against hers, his fingertips digging slightly into the muscles at her lower back. Everything screamed betrayal. But, without much warning the lights suddenly brightened, and Kate vaguely realized that at some point the music had ended and the DJ was packing up his equipment. Castle must have realized it too because he was pulling away from her, not far, just enough to cup the side of her face and brush away her tears. The gentleness of the motion, the way his grip loosened around her, cradling her to him, caused a strangled sob to slip from the back of her throat and a flutter of hope to surface somewhere deep inside of her.
"I can't say that I'm not angry," he began slowly, "because you were right, I am. I think that's the most honest you've ever been with me and you deserve the same courtesy back. I might need the rest of the weekend, maybe even a week to process this, but don't you ever doubt that I won't be here waiting for you when you're ready Kate," his fingers wound their way through her hair, tilting her head up just enough to meet her eyes, "When I say always, I mean it."
The corner of Kate's mouth flickered upward in a watery smile. She hadn't screwed everything up, he wasn't going to leave her, and more importantly he didn't hate her.
Relieved, Kate swayed forward and pressed her lips to the corner of his mouth. It was impulsive and startled both of them at first, but for a fleeting moment she caught a glimpse of the future, one where their morning coffee would be exchanged for a morning kiss and lonely nights at home would turn into evenings spent eating dinner with Martha and Alexis, followed by lounging in his luxurious bed with seven hundred thread count sheets wrapped around their bare skin. Though the kiss was over in less than five seconds Kate rested her forehead against Castle's and remained where she stood, enjoying the closeness and the freedom of no longer having such a heavy weight on her shoulders.
"Thank you, Castle," she sniffled, one of her hands sliding up just enough to fiddle with the loosened collar of his dress shirt, pressing against his warm skin, "You have no idea how much that means to me."
"No need to thank me, Kate," he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, "I do it because I love you."
Though she'd heard it before, Kate's heart still skipped a beat. His gaze was soft, an expression on his face that she'd seen many times before but was scared to admit what it meant.
"But it's getting late, and it looks like we're the last ones here," he said, brushing his thumb over the apple of her cheek, "Why don't I walk you up to your room?"
Kate smiled and leaned into the comfort of his palm, before patting his chest and breaking away from him, "Only if you let me buy you and Alexis breakfast in the morning."
"But it's complimentary," he teased.
She shrugged and grabbed his hand, savoring the feeling of his fingers threading through hers as she tugged him toward the exit, "It's the thought that counts, right?"
Now it was only a matter of time before the rest of her wall came tumbling down. Day by day and brick by brick, Rick Castle had somehow wormed his way through the cracks. She was on her way to becoming more, finally being comfortable in her own skin, and he was going to be a part of it. And for the first time in years she found that she was okay with that.
End.
