Having a truly Castle Christmas is the reason why this flic is born I just watched Knockdown and for some reason this popped into my head! I hope you enjoy it and thanks goes to my amazing fanfic buddy Jenna who beta'd this for me! I wouldn't be anywhere good without ya! :D

Just Give Me This

She couldn't sleep.

Even if she wanted to, she couldn't.

She had been on edge ever since Castle called her, Esposito and Ryan over to present his "findings" -he had solved the mystery on who had ordered the murder of her mother, she never really had time to react on the fact that he went behind her back to do it – or kept it a secret from her that he had been doing it.

No that time had been consumed by putting a plan in place to take the bastard who had took her mother away from her 12 years ago. If she had her way they would be there right now taking him down, it was killing her that Captain Gates sent them home to "rest" before the take down which was to happen in the morning.

Ironic really, Kate knew no one was going to be resting tonight.

She definitely wasn't – even as a little girl she never liked waiting and now this? She wanted to be out there – she wanted to finally let her mother rest in peace even though that idea terrified her slightly, not the justice which would be served for her mother but what would happen with/to her life if she survived this time tomorrow.

Her thoughts drew back to Castle, she wished more than anything she could ask for him to stay out of this – not to come with her for the takedown but she also knew that even though she wished it, she would never ask (like he would listen) he was her partner even if she was pissed at him at the moment.

She couldn't help but tense at the knock that came from her door. Without really moving her service piece was resting comfortably in her hand and she silently stood up, her senses on full alert, as she glided soundlessly to her front door, her hand gripping her gun, her finger on the trigger.

"Kate?" A whisper came through her door.

She should have known.

She opened the door to see Rick Castle standing on the other side, his hair horribly dishevelled as if he had been running his hands through it all day. That wasn't really the thing that stood out for the detective though – it was his eyes, they looked so troubled... even worse than when he timidly asked her over the phone to come to his loft because he needed to tell her something.

It was like he was fighting with himself – like he was fighting with himself right now.

"Can I come in?" Castle asked throwing Kate slightly but she only opened the door wider to let him in. "Thanks." He whispered to her as he walked past a battle still raging inside him.

"I thought you'd be with Martha and Alexis." Kate commented as she shut the door and turned to face him ignoring the look on his face. She certainly didn't have time for this now – not with what was going to go down tomorrow morning.

"I... I mean... urgh..." Castle tried to reply but in frustration stopped himself smiling humourlessly. "Only you could do this to me Kate – leave a Times Bestseller author speechless – that's who I am, I'm good with words and even on the ride over here I replayed this conversation over and over in my head but now I'm here and...nothing."

Kate shook her head, her forehead crinkling. "I'm not sure how a question about why you aren't with your mother and daughter warrants such a response."

Castle shook his head. "I told them that I was going out, that..."

"That?" Kate asked. "Do they know – I mean about what is happening tomorrow?"

"Yes and no." He responded. "They know something is happening, I'm sure by the hug Alexis gave me as I left she knew I might not be coming back."

That statement itself winded Kate and made her wish even more that she never pulled Castle into this world – he had a family at home, he shouldn't be putting himself in harm's way like this.

"I'm not going to keep you that long Castle." Kate tried to lighten the mood. "Unless you have a hot date after this or something." Even joking about it hurt her slightly.

"Hot date?" Castle chuckled disbelievingly. "I wouldn't even know – it's not like I see women like that anymore..."

"If you're here to tell me you're in love with Esposito – I think you have competition with that – you know with Ryan."

"Ha ha ha." Castle chuckled humourlessly once again, a ghost of a smile on his face. "Believe me when I say I definitely see one women like that and she can deny it all she wants but I know she feels the same way about me." The way he gazed at her rendered her breathless.

"Rick.." Kate's heart starting to gallop. "Please don't... you've been drinking." She knew that was just a wish.

"I really haven't Kate." Castle shook his head. "And usually in this situation I would be – you know take the edge off it but I don't want to this time – I don't want to take the edge of it, I don't want to fight it or hide or..."

"Castle." Kate protested.

"I love you." He replied bluntly leaving the statement to sink in to the static air surrounding them. "I love you." He repeated wonderingly. "There I said it in a situation that you can't pretend that you forgot about it or you couldn't remember it."

Kate's jaw would be on the floor right now if it was humanly possible. "How did you...?"

"I didn't – not until just now – I suspected it but..." Castle sighed. "If this was a different situation if this was any other day I'd be so pissed that you kept this from me-"

"Well if this was any other day I would be so pissed that you kept the fact that you were working on my mother's case yet again without my approval or help." Kate interrupted anger seething just below her words.

"You wouldn't be you if you weren't." Castle replied simply shrugging smiling – the gap between them feeling more obvious to him by the second. "But this isn't just any other day is it Kate? In fact it's not even a day – it's a night, the night before the morning when we take down the bastard who took your mother away from you and I was thinking about that when I went home earlier that this could be our last night because the chances of both of us coming out of tomorrow alive are slim."

"Don't say that." Beckett shook her head kicking herself off her front door to be closer to him.

"Why? It's the truth." Castle shrugged. "And I'll be damned if I don't let you know that I love you and I know I will regret it if I don't ask this – and I know you won't do it, I know that and to be honest I'll be disappointed if you do but I'll also be disappointed in myself if I leave this world with regrets so Kate I'm gonna ask you something and please don't hate me for it."

Kate was sure her eyes were as wide as saucers as she listened speechlessly to his speech even when this man was wordless he could still blow her away. She nodded as she weakly agreed, "Okay..."

"Choose us."

"What? Castle..." Kate shook her head.

"I know, I know you won't but please Kate pretend for me that I would even have a shot – choose us, don't go through with tomorrow because the thought of losing you again kills me; so choose us instead, choose the life we could have."

"I..." Kate was already shaking her head; her breathing unsteady as Castle widely cupped her face with his hands and leaned his forehead against hers.

"Imagine us, just give me that for 5 minutes before you say no – I know you will but – imagine that life, you know the life where we're together, where I wasn't a fool the first time I met you and I don't mean when you gate-crashed my party of "Storm Fall" I mean when you gave me your copy of "A Calm Before Storm" to sign at that book signing."

Kate gasped as she looked up into his eyes.

"You really think I could forget you? Please Kate if it wasn't for Paula forcibly handing me the next book to sign I would have been following you out of that door and charming you with my ruggedly handsomeness."

Kate laughed softly, "You wish."

"Oh I would have, I would have swept you away taken you out and just enjoyed as we fell for each other. I would have gotten down on one knee and asked you to marry me and that'd be it; I would have been your "one" and you would have been my "done". I would have pestered you endlessly about your work until you had called in my expertises for our first case and we would have been the unlikely partners we are now and at the end of the day I would have taken you home not watch you walk off with a man you never loved – I would have made love to you all night; but then we have both groaned as your phone went off at 3am in the morning and you would have (yet again) hit me as you lectured about how we had to stop staying up that late and yet you would have known the next day we would have done exactly the same thing again."

"Castle..." Tears were forming in her eyes at the life her author was creating for her.

"We would have been the ones getting married and then you freak out when you held the positive pregnancy test – mostly because of the thought of another little Rick Castle running around but then we would go to your first ultrasound and see our child and know that it'll be worth it."

"Rick." She shook her head protesting.

"Tell me you don't see it Kate." He asked. "Just tell me you don't see it."

"You're too good of a writer for me not to see it Rick." Kate confessed as she pulled back to see him smile. "But that didn't happen – you didn't chase after me – those things never happened."

Rick opened his mouth for a second before shutting and just pulling her to him again, just letting him feel her for a moment before closing his eyes, "Then imagine this – we sit out tomorrow, we stay here or stay at the precinct, we don't join them for the take down, we live Kate, we live and then later I would take you out and I'd kiss you the under the stars as I walk you home and then we just fly into the relationship that makes everyone jealous."

Kate laughed.

"We would wake up next to each other every morning and I would try to come up with as many reasons as possible to keep you in bed and then when you think I'm writing in a hotel or something I'm actually driving down to your childhood home to get your father's blessing and then I'd be on one knee in front of you, we would marry and just be so happy and alive. I would then annoy the hell of you because every time you answer your phone as Beckett I would then say Castle until you eventually answer your phone as Castle."

Kate giggled thinking on how he would so do that – it would drive her nuts and wish she could hit him when he couldn't stop gloating for the rest of the day.

"We would then become pregnant and the boys would be so overbearing at work that you'd want to shoot them – you would then want to shoot me when you find out I kept bringing them pretty much anything they wanted as incentive to keep doing it even when you threatened them. But I would kiss any violent thoughts away and we just cuddle for the rest of the night feeling our child growing in your stomach."

Kate's eyes closed as she just let the imagery wash over her.

"You, Alexis and Mother would then be so pissed at me when I get the entire house up with my partner in crime at 4 in the morning Christmas morning because we simply couldn't wait any longer for our presents. You 'd be even more pissed when we kept you up because of playing of said presents until pretty much Christmas dinner."

Kate laughed again tears slowly rolling down her face as she ached for these images to come true.

"We would live happily ever Kate." Castle finished. "Anything you wanted or needed you would have it – we would have it. You just need to choose us."

"In my entire life I have only wanted one thing more than this – believe me Castle, I want this so much I'm aching inside, I want to be Kate Castle so badly."

"But..." Castle promoted even though he couldn't stop that smile appearing at the mention of 'Kate Castle'.

"You told me that because it'd be regret of yours if you didn't – Castle, it'd be a regret of mine if I'm not leading the team tomorrow, too much of my life has been about this and while I would love to say okay I sit out, I'll wait impatiently at the precinct with you holding my hand as we wait for word so we could have that life but... but my life would never change not really - only now instead of wishing that this bastard didn't order the kill on my mom I'd be wishing I was there in the front line to bring him down even though our relationship would make everyone jealous. I know deep down we would never survive that because you would feel guilty you suggested it and I would I just... possibly come to resent you for suggesting it and I don't want that – Castle I never want to resent you and even though it's killing me not to just jump into your arms... I just can't do it."

Kate finished timidly her heart breaking to feel his tears mingling with hers; she couldn't look at him – not now.

"I knew that you would say that – in all honestly I probably would have shaken you if you agreed." Castle shrugged lightly as he put some rested his head against hers.

"Doesn't mean your heart isn't breaking right now Rick." Kate pulled back making him look at her, "because I know mine is."

"Kate." Castle shook his head cupping her cheek and wiping the tear drops. "I never want to break your heart."

"I broke my own." Kate shrugged. "I just wish that this was one of your books – I wish we were Nicki and Rook because why can they live happily ever after when after tomorrow? We might not."

"Because I'm a very good storyteller." Castle replied modestly as Kate laughed.

"I'll say – boy did you make me want to have that first life." She giggled light-heartedly when her heart was anything but light.

Castle smiled. "That first life rocked – your mother lived in that one."

Kate smiled. "We never would have met though, I wouldn't have needed to find your books and I would never have become a cop."

Castle paused. "Don't ruin my story with your logic!" He exclaimed as Kate shook her head missing her mother so much.

"She would have loved you – I can just tell you right now that she's shouting down at me telling me not to be so stupid, not to put either of our lives at risk and have that second life."

"She helped to make you Kate." Castle replied nodding. "I would have loved her too."

"She also would be kicking my ass for you putting you in danger."

"We're partners Kate, while yes a selfish part of me wishes you went for us – it doesn't mean I'm not going to be there, it doesn't mean I'm not going to be there for when you take that bastard down – I'm standing next to you Kate, like always."

"Your family..."

"I know." Castle nodded. "But they've known this for a while."

A silence overcame them as they just stared at each other unsure what to do now, they have never been this open to each other before, never and with wishes of being able to change who they were on each other minds Beckett sensed a change in her partner.

"What? What is it?"

"I have one last request – while if I was writing this story we would live tomorrow and be able to have this life we want so badly because you know we've made the hero-sacrifice," Kate laughed slightly, "the problem I'm not writing this story – the chances of both of us coming out of tomorrow –"

"Don't." Kate shook her head. "We have a plan in place, a good one, we're not..."

"Kate," Castle whispered resting his forehead against hers, "I don't believe for a second that he doesn't already know – not all of it, not the bits only me, you, Esposito and Ryan know – you know plan B – but I do believe he knows plan A and that means he's going to ready for us and I just..."

"What? Castle what do you want?"

"This night – where we pretend that we're living a different life, where we've been together for years – where there is an engagement ring waiting for you, I've just been waiting for the right time. Where we've been crying not because we've been sad but because we've been laughing so much because of the film we just seen in our date night, I want this night where we can't keep our hands to ourselves. I want one perfect night with you – like you said no regrets."

"Well then..." Kate swallowed as she cupped his cheek gently rubbing his cheek as their eyes met, "before this happens I need to tell you something."

"What?" Castle was leaning closer towards her.

"I love you." She whispered successfully stopping his descent. "I love you Rick."

"I..." Castle blinked not quite believing what he just heard as Kate smirked.

"No regrets." She shook her head as she leaned up to kiss him softly on the lips sighing as his arms came to wrap around her. Groaning as he pulled away only for him to brush a gentle kiss on her lips again as he picked her up. He moaned as her legs wrapped around his waist effortlessly and started to stumble in the direction of her bedroom.

She giggled slightly as she felt her back collide with her bedroom wall impressed really at just how fast Castle could carry her to her bedroom.

"We shouldn't be doing this Rick..." She breathed as he kissed her neck causing him to freeze as he pulled away – a look that could only be described as a kicked puppy.

"Why? We said –"

"That we would not keep each other up most of the night." She winked. "Gates is going to be pissed."

"Who cares?" Castle replied catching on to what the extraordinary women in his arms was doing. "You just find me too irresistible."

"You wish." Kate gasped as she was suddenly on her bed, Castle leaning over her – the lightness in the air suddenly disappearing as he looked down with her.

He shook his head. "We're done resisting – I just wish we were done pretending."

And Kate couldn't help but think briefly as their lips met once again of how true that statement truly was.

-X-

Please Review! Tell me what you thought and if you possibly want an epilogue because I definitely have one in mind so just let me know!