6Okie-dokie, this is a project I started months ago, then shelved for a while to do other stuff, and I just started it up again. Or... tried to.
Find a seat and some hot chocolate; this might take a while. First off, the basis for this isn't even mine. Another FanFiction writer (whose penname is The Dreaming Demon) typed up a list of twenty-five ways to irritate Orochimaru. When I asked her if I could make a full-fledged fanfic from her list, she said I could. So I got started, then left it for a while to work on other stuff. When I finally decided to try and finish it, I couldn't find her list! Dx Turns out, she deleted her story, so I have no way of finishing this completely. Guess that's what I get for not copying down the entire list beforehand. *headdesk* Hope you enjoy anyways...!
Also, there may be some (or a lot of) Sound ninja OOCness. When possible, I tried to keep everyone in character. But, being a parody, is that really possible throughout the whole thing? xD
Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine. Orochimaru and his peoplez are not mine. The idea for the fanfic is (or the rules listed below are) not even mine; it's The Dreaming Demon's. The only thing I own is the actual story part below each rule.
Second Disclaimer: The following people are certified to irritate their lord: Sasuke, Kabuto, Kimimaro, Tayuya, Kidomaru, Jirobo, and Sakon and Ukon. If you are not one of the above, annoying Orochimaru may result in slow and painful deaths, quick and painful deaths, various forms of torture, barely living, banishment from the Sound Village, a lifetime of snakes following you menacingly, becoming black and blue, or all of the above forms of punishment. Don't say we didn't warn you.
Rule One: Poke him in the eye.
Sasuke knocked on the door leading to Orochimaru's 'study', or so he called it. Sasuke wasn't sure what exactly he studied in there, but he didn't much care, either.
"Enter," came Orochimaru's voice after a moment.
Sasuke swung open the door and crossed the room to where Orochimaru was sitting in a comfortable chair.
"Ah, Sasuke, my boy," he said, giving him a snaky grin. "What can I do for you?"
"Just hold still," Sasuke said, keeping emotion clear from his voice and face. He reached out his hand...
And poked his sensei in the eye. Twice.
Rules Two and Three: Mention how much he looks like Voldemort, and never shut up about how much you annoyed Voldemort.
One evening, after Sasuke's eye-poking obsession had been pleasantly dealt with, Kabuto and Orochimaru were enjoying a casual dinner together. The dinner wasn't quite as delicious as the fifth to last chef they had had, but it was still pretty good. Besides, Kabuto couldn't get too attached to any of the cooks, as they all quit or mysteriously vanished sooner or later.
At any rate, Kabuto decided to make an observation.
"You know, you look an awful lot like Voldemort."
Orochimaru raised an eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"
"Voldemort," Kabuto repeated. "Pale, creepy face. Weird eyes. Same nose, too, actually."
Orochimaru's eye twitched.
"And, wouldn't you know it," Kabuto continued, "I irritated him an awful lot before I came to work for you. I annoyed him so much that he replaced me! Can you imagine?"
"No," Orochimaru replied coldly, his tone of voice saying the opposite.
"Finally, someone agrees with me! I mean, jeez, talk about lacking a sense of humor! Even though you look a lot like him, and I mean a lot like him, you're a much better evil guy than him. You wouldn't fire me just for irritating, would you? Nah, I didn't think so. But, great day! The way I annoyed him so badly, you'd think that— Hey, wait, what's wrong with your face? You look like you're about to explode or something. Am I irritating you?"
Rule Four: Introduce him to everyone as your fiancee and laugh when he gets mad at you.
"Tayuya, come," Orochimaru ordered.
"Yes, sir!" Tayuya jogged over to her master and knelt at his feet.
"We're going to the Villainous Shopping Center today to pick up some items we're short on," Orochimaru explained crisply, holding out a shopping list for Tayuya to take. She did so.
"Yes, sir," she repeated, scanning the list as she simultaneously stood up to follow him out the door. A potion to cause a slow and painful death, brainwashing shampoo, teleportation cookies... Et cetera. The items on the list wouldn't be too difficult to find.
They were just checking out of the potions section when the cashier innocently and stupidly asked Orochimaru if he wanted a free love po— Ahem, a free, nice-smelling perfume sample for his girlfriend.
Orochimaru gave the guy a cool stare that practically wilted him where he stood. Tayuya saw her chance and leaped at it without even thinking. "Oh, darling, don't be so hard on him! After all, how could he know that we're engaged if you haven't even gotten me a ring yet?" Her voice dripped with false sweetness.
The look Orochimaru gave her almost made her regret saying that, but then at the Decapitated Insects part of the mall, she did it again.
A sales lady was nearby, and Tayuya said loudly enough for her to hear, "Oh, Orochimaru, my dear fiancé, don't you think this headless centipede would look simply divine on top of our wedding cake?"
"We are not engaged, we will never be engaged, we will not ever be getting married, and if you continue it, I will kill you. 'Dear'," Orochimaru replied, seeming creepily calm for someone who had just been embarrassed (or insulted, however you want to look at it) twice in the only two stores they'd been in.
Tayuya giggled. "Oh, you're so cute when you get like this!"
In every section of the mall for villains, Tayuya managed to squeeze in some comment about Orochimaru being her fiancé, even though she knew her master would make her regret it later.
Rule Five: At a serious moment, start singing 'I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts', getting louder as you go until you're singing a heavy metal version of it at the top of your lungs.
"You will do my bidding. You will fight my battles when I require you to. You will..."
Kimimaro interrupted his master's evil villain lecture (something he had never ever done before in his life) by humming softly under his breath.
Orochimaru frowned. "What do you think you are doing, Kimimaro?"
Kimimaro shrugged, but continued humming; then he started singing in a heavy accent. He sang softly at first, but his voice gained strength and volume the longer he sang. "Down at an English fair, one evening I was there, when I heard a showman shouting underneath the flair!"
Orochimaru clenched his jaw. Had his entire village gone mad? What on earth had Sasuke started?
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! There they are all standing in a row!" Kimimaro continued singing joyously. "Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! Give them a twist, a flick of the wrist – that's what the showman said."
This song was really getting on Orochimaru's last nerves. He covered his ears with his hands and started singing his own song, "Lalalalalalalalalalalala, I can't hear you!"
It never occurred to him to leave the room.
"I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS! EVERY BALL YOU THROW WILL MAKE ME RICH!" Kimimaro continued singing, raising his voice to push through his master's defenses. "THERE STANDS MY WIFE, THE IDOL OF MY LIFE, SINGING ROLL A BOWL A BALL A PENNY A PINCH!"
Meanwhile, Orochimaru had raised his own voice to continue drowning out Kimimaro's. "LALALALA, I SAID I CAN'T HEAR YOU, AND I CAN'T! LALALALALALALALALALALALA! SHUT UP NOW, KIMIMARO! LALALALALALALALALA!"
And it continued on this way until Kabuto and Sasuke entered and stuffed socks in each of their mouths because they could hear them all the way across the evil lair.
Rule Six: Lick him. Simply lick him.
"Uh, knock, knock?" Jirobo called from just outside Orochimaru's study. The door was open, but he decided it would be the 'polite' thing to make his presence known before entering.
Orochimaru motioned him in. "What is it that you want, Jirobo?"
Jirobo shrugged nonchalantly, but said, "It's kind of a secret. Do you mind if I whisper it in your ear?"
Orochimaru's eyes narrowed suspiciously but he didn't say no. Jirobo walked up to him and got close to Orochimaru's ear.
And he licked him. "Yum, you taste good," he said, one of the highest compliments he could give a person.
Orochimaru's pale face turned purple, and he glared daggers at Jirobo - literally.
Rule Seven: Have a long conversation with an empty chair while he's in the room.
During naptime, when all the good little boys and girl of Orochimaru's ninja army were in bed, Kabuto and Orochimaru stayed up. Orochimaru was sitting on the couch, flipping through the Villains Weekly, while Kabuto had positioned himself in a nearby chair, facing an empty chair.
"So, this morning, that one guy was all like," Kabuto said, pulling a face to finish his sentence. "And then I was all like, Dude? And then she went all," he continued, drawing his finger in circles around his head in a typical 'loco' motion.
Orochimaru scowled at his magazine, unable to concentrate well with Kabuto jabbering with no one.
"No, no, I know what you're thinking! Don't even! Puh-leeze! Do you think I was seriously...?" Kabuto made a quick whistle and moved his fingers again, gesturing to make a basic 'airhead' motion. "No way, not in the least! It was him that was like that!"
"Kabuto," Orochimaru interrupted sternly.
Kabuto glanced over at him in surprise. "What? Mr. FluffyChair likes to know all the details of my day. He gets cranky if I don't talk to him for a minimum of three hours each day."
Orochimaru glowered, and seconds later, Mr. FluffyChair had met his doom.
Rule Eight: Randomly dub him Johanna one day and constantly sing him stalkerish songs.
"You know, Johanna, I've been thinking," Kidomaru said one day. "Why are you so uptight all the time? You should chilax more often."
Orochimaru glanced over at him, wondering who Johanna was and what the best way to punish her for existing would be, only to find that Kidomaru was staring right at him.
"What. Did. You. Call. Me?"
Kidomaru grinned. "Johanna. I think it suits you, don't you? Come on, you know you love it!"
"I don't," Orochimaru hissed.
Kidomaru shrugged and began singing randomly. Orochimaru didn't even know what the names were, but it was obviously more than one song.
He left the room, having learned his lesson with Kimimaro.
Kidomaru followed him, still singing joyously. "Sing with me, Johanna!" he cried, continuing endlessly.
Orochimaru growled something inaudible and went to his room, slamming the door shut behind him. Kidomaru's songs still carried through the walls.
Orochimaru climbed out his window and for a while, he thought he'd lost Kidomaru. But then there he was again, right behind him, still singing.
There seemed to be a constant theme in his songs. They all mentioned something about stalkers, or stalking people, or something similar.
Orochimaru broke into a run, but Kidomaru followed, singing loudly about stalking snakes.
Orochimaru's run turned up a notch. People who were watching almost could've sworn he looked panicked.
Kidomaru kept pace just behind him, singing more about stalking people, and increasing in volume to make up for what the wind in their faces drowned out.
Rule Nine: While he's eating, casually mention that you poisoned his food.
Tayuya played boredly with her food, not bothering to take a bite. Around the table with her were the Sound Ninja Five, Sasuke, Kabuto, and Orochimaru.
Something interesting needed to happen.
"Tayuya, darling, aren't you hungry?" Orochimaru asked. Tayuya didn't miss the venom that went into the word 'darling'. She knew he was still getting over the prank she'd pulled on him at the shopping mall.
"Dreadfully," Tayuya sighed. "Not."
"And why is that?" Orochimaru asked, taking his first bite of supper.
"If I told you, you wouldn't eat, either."
Orochimaru gave her a cool stare, taking a second bite of food. "Try me."
Tayuya rolled her eyes like it was no big deal. "I poisoned your food. Duh."
Orochimaru's pale face turned a mixture of purple and green, his hand creeping up to touch his throat. "You – what?"
"Yep," Tayuya sighed, balancing her fork on her nose like it was the most interesting thing she could think to do.
Rules Ten, Eleven, and Twelve: Draw him a 'pretty picture' of a bird eating a snake, but tell him it's just the Mexican flag. Also begin talking about how you think he would like it in Mexico.
"Ten minute break, Sasuke," Orochimaru said, wiping a couple drops of perspiration from his forehead with a cutely embroidered handkerchief.
Sasuke nodded and sank down onto a bench, trying not to let on how tired he was. Orochimaru didn't kid around when it came to training.
Okay, so maybe that was a lie. The guy tended to toy with Sasuke whenever he began feeling overconfident in training. Now it was Sasuke's turn to toy.
He picked up a pencil and a sketchpad from where it lay beside him and began doodling. He wasn't the world's best artist, but he didn't need to be. He just needed to get his point across, leaving room for dispute as to his subject.
Nine minutes later, Orochimaru came over to see what Sasuke was drawing. His face turned red with anger.
What the picture was, in fact, was a bird swallowing a snake. Not a worm, not a caterpillar, but a snake. The bird's specie, however, could be somewhat negotiable. Sasuke had attempted an eagle, but it might have been something a little less... regal, depending on the eye of the viewer.
"Sasuke," Orochimaru hissed. "What. Is. That?"
Sasuke glanced up, innocence etched into his face. "What? You have something against Mexican flags?"
Orochimaru glanced at the page again, then shuddered and turned away as though it pained him. "That is no flag."
Sasuke frowned. "You've never been to Mexico, have you?"
Orochimaru wasn't about to easily let the evil bird and poor, innocent snake subject get dropped so easily, but for now all he said was, "How could you tell?"
"Because if you were to visit Mexico, not only would you see what this picture really is, but you would never want to leave," Sasuke said confidently. "You'd love it in Mexico, I just know it. And, don't you need a vacation? Villains don't get many vacations, do they? You deserve better."
Orochimaru scowled. "That is not a picture of a flag," he repeated coldly.
"But it is!" Sasuke insisted. "And isn't it so pretty? Seriously, you'd fit right in if you went to Mexico. All those burritos and ponchos and sombreros, and dancing to Mexican music... I can so see you there, having the time of your life!"
"Ssssssssaaaaaassssssukeeeeee," Orochimaru hissed, his face turning from red to green.
Sasuke wondered if all sketches of snakes getting eaten would make Orochimaru sick, literally sick, like he looked at that moment.
That was vital information for the future.
Rule Thirteen: Stare him directly in the eyes and approach him until you're creepy close, then blink a few times and walk away, all without saying a word.
Kimimaro found Orochimaru relaxing in his comfy chair in front of a fireplace. His chair was turned sideways so that the flames lit up one side of his face, while the other side was shadowed.
Orochimaru saw Kimimaro at the door, but he didn't say anything.
Kimimaro stared into his master's eyes. He took a step forward.
"What do you want, Kimimaro?" Orochimaru asked.
Kimimaro stepped closer, saying nothing and keeping his gaze locked onto his master's reptile-like eyes.
Orochimaru frowned, then suddenly sweatdropped. He plugged his ears, afraid Kimimaro would start singing that song again.
Kimimaro came ever closer.
"Not another step, Kimimaro!" Orochimaru finally yelled. "Do you hear me? One more step and you'll be punished severely!"
Kimimaro stopped, but only because he was now so close to his master that if he took another step he would bang his legs against Orochimaru's chair.
Then he leaned forward, still not saying a word, and still keeping his gaze locked on Orochimaru's eyes. Orochimaru couldn't close them, afraid (no, no, not afraid, just suspicious – yeah, that's right: suspicious) of what Kimimaro would do if Orochimaru looked away from a second.
Kimimaro leaned in so close he nearly bumped noses with his master. He blinked.
He blinked again.
Orochimaru sweatdropped, wondering what his vessel-gone-corrupt would do next.
Nothing. Kimimaro blinked a couple more times, then he straightened and walked away, silent as ever.
Orochimaru heaved a huge sigh of relief and nearly passed out as the tension drained away. He would have to find a way to punish Kimimaro later for annoying him and making him sweat, but for the moment, he was just glad there had been no annoying singing.
Rules Fourteen and Fifteen: Pretend to know magic and beg him to pick a card from a deck, then purposely place his card near the bottom and go through the entire deck asking 'is this your card?'
"Lord Orochimaru!" Sakon called, bounding over into the kitchen to his master and shuffling a deck of cards.
Orochimaru tore his gaze from Kabuto's cooking. Since he couldn't trust any chefs to be strong enough to keep Tayuya out of the kitchen and keep her from poisoning the food, he had eaten - ahem, fired - them all and had Kabuto take over cooking each meal. And yet Orochimaru still kept a close eye on each ingredient into each meal.
"What do you want?" Orochimaru hissed, clearly in no mood to be distracted.
Sakon held up the deck of cards proudly. "I know magic!" he announced. He spread out the cards facing downwards (and into Ukon's view) and offered them to Orochimaru. "Pick a card!" he urged.
Orochimaru glared at him and turned his attention back to Kabuto's chopping carrots. "No."
"Aww, pleeeeaaase!" Sakon whined. "I'll never ever ever ever ever ask you for anything ever again! C'moooon!"
Orochimaru clenched his fist, then finally tore a card from Sakon's deck and glanced at it. Jack of spades. "Now what?" he barked, longing for it to be done and over with.
"Now you put it back, I shuffle the deck, and then I'll show you the card you picked," Sakon said proudly.
Orochimaru replaced the card and turned back to Kabuto, who was now mashing potatoes. He figured Sakon would pick the card, show it to him, and be gone.
Sakon shuffled the cards, then used Orochimaru's distracted attention to find out from Ukon which card he had picked. He placed the spade jack card fourth-to-last. He pulled out the top card and waved it in front of Orochimaru. "This was your card, right? King of hearts?"
Orochimaru growled, deciding that saying no would just make Sakon keep going. "Yes, that was my card."
Kabuto glanced over Orochimaru's shoulder innocently. "No, it wasn't, Lord Orochimaru; don't you remember?"
Orochimaru whipped around, to glare at Kabuto, but he was already back to preparing rice.
Sakon frowned, pretending to be upset at his wrong 'guess'. He pulled the next card from the deck. "Then this was your card; I know it!"
And so it went. Anytime the answer was no (either from Orochimaru or Kabuto), Sakon would wave another card in his master's face. After the first five cards, Orochimaru began to shake, barely containing his irritation. His face color varied from paper-white to tomato-red to royal-purple, and every color in between.
Kabuto had supper ready before the right card was finally shown.
Rules Sixteen, Seventeen, and Eighteen: Have him stand in a ridiculously uncomfortable pose while you draw a picture of him. Take an absurdly long time doing it. Actually make something that has absolutely nothing to do with him.
Sasuke stared at Orochimaru, his sketchpad and pencil in hand. He flipped past the page of the bird eating the sn... I mean, the page with the Mexican flag, so that a clean sheet showed.
"Remind me again why I'm doing this?" Orochimaru asked, mumbling to get the words out without releasing what he held in his mouth.
He stood on one foot, or actually, on the toes of one foot, with his other leg lifted high like a ballerina. On his head was balanced a stack of books to ensure his posture was correct. He held a rose between his teeth and a handmade Oriental fan in one of his hands. His other hand clutched a nearby desktop to keep himself from wobbling too much or falling.
"One, it's my birthday. I want a present," Sasuke replied. "Two, I mastered that technique you said was too difficult for me. You owe me. Three, your Sound Ninja Five are on my side, and so is Kabuto. They won't let you say no. Four, I said so."
Orochimaru wanted to grind his teeth, but then the rose would be ruined and he'd probably be forced to stand there for an hour or more while they found a replacement.
Sasuke poised his pencil over his paper, studied Orochimaru a while longer, and got to work. "Trust me, you'll look wonderful." He glanced up at his master every so often as though refreshing his memory on what he was supposed to be sketching.
The Uchiha wondered just how long he could get Orochimaru to stay there for him.
Three and a half hours later, Orochimaru was getting seriously stiff, but he still didn't dare move and make Sasuke take even longer. Sweta poured down his face and neck and back. "Sasu...ke... Hurry... up...!" he mumbled through the rose.
"Almost done," Sasuke promised.
Sixty more minutes passed before Sasuke finally announced, "Okay, done; you can move now!"
Orochimaru collapsed onto the floor, glad it was finally over. He glared up at his future vessel. "The picture you drew had better be worth it! Show it to me!" he hissed weakly.
"I think you'll agree I did a great job," Sasuke said, smirking. He knelt next to Orochimaru and pushed the sketchpad into his line of vision.
It was a picture of a humanish mouse wearing human clothes and what looked like a pointed wizard's hat. The mouse was waving his arms in the air at some mops, brooms, and buckets of water.
A vein popped out in Orochimaru's neck as his face turned red. "This is what you spent the last five hours making?" he demanded. If he weren't so tired from holding still in that terrible pose for hours, he would... He would...
"Four and a half hours, actually," Sasuke corrected him.
Rules Nineteen and Twenty: Wake him up in the middle of the night by shining a flashlight in his eyes, under the excuse that you had a bad dream.
Orochimaru woke from a deep and peaceful sleep to a blinding light. "Am I... dying?" he mumbled, squinting. Then his eyes bulged, regardless of the horrible stinging sensation from the brightness. "NO! I CAN'T DIE! KABUTO! SASUKE! HEEEEEELP!"
"Lord Orochimaru?" The voice was faint, timid, but definitely Kimimaro's.
The light moved, enabling Orochimaru to see. Kind of.
He saw Kimimaro's outline, and a long object... Was that a flashlight? Yep, that was definitely Kimimaro holding a flashlight.
"Turn that off," Orochimaru ordered.
"Can't," Kimimaro said, his voice trembling. "I... I had a bad dream."
Orochimaru shoved Kimimaro away from him, rolled over onto his stomach, and buried his head under his pillow. He tried to put himself back to sleep by imagining different ways to punish Kimimaro.
Or, for that matter, his entire village.
They would rue the day they decided to rob him of his beauty sleep.
Dundunduuuun... And there you have it - several different ways to irritate Orochimaru! Hope you liked! :P
Even though the original work was not mine, I'd like to hear what comments you have concerning what I have done. In other words, review! ^^
