89Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Zelda Style!
part three!
Obligatory Disclaimer: I own neither Whose Line Is It Anyway? Nor Zelda, so don't even bother with the lawsuits. =P
Author's Notes: My third and more than likely final attempt at this… -_-
Nabooru: Hey, welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? On our show tonight, we've got: "Totally nuts about…" Link! "Melts in your mouth, not in your hands," Zelda! "Not going anywhere for a while?" Malon! And, "Taste the rainbow," Ganondorf Dragmire! Hey, I'm your host Nabooru. Come on down, let's have some fun!
Audience: (consisting of a mix of members from all races of Hyrule, cheer and clap as Nabooru makes her way down to her seat near the contestants; the title screen flashes and when it's all over, they quiet down)
Nabooru: (holding her cards) Hello! Hello! Thank you all very much! Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the show where improvisation is the game and your efforts guarantee you nothing, much like the Gerudo Training Grounds. …Hey, who wrote that on my cue card?!
Link: (looks sheepish)
Audience: (laugh, laugh)
Nabooru: (scowls at him but remembers she has a show to host) Anyway… Let's get things started, shall we? (audience begins to cheer as she looks to her cards) Okay, first game up is Film and Theatre Styles. And it's for… (Link begins to point to himself) …Zelda and Malon!
Link: Hey! (looks positively dumbfounded)
Ganondorf: Gyaha!
Nabooru: Heh heh. (smirk) Make changes to my cue cards, will you? (turns to the audience) I need some suggestions for some styles from you guys!
Audience: (shouts out their suggestions) Trashy talk show! Final Fantasy 8! WWF! Kung Fu movie!
Nabooru: (snickers and writes some of the ideas down) Okay, okay. (Malon and Zelda take their places up on the stage) Alright, since it's come to my attention that both of you like Link, the situation is this: both of you show up for a date with Link, but he's not there!
Link: (grins widely points his thumbs towards himself, a la Rob Van Damme)
Audience: (CHEER!)
Nabooru: Now then, I'll buzz you in with the style I want you to adapt at any given time. So, take it away ladies…!
Malon: (walks up to an imaginary meeting spot) Hm. He said he'd be here…
Zelda: (does the same) I wonder where Link is…
Malon: What do you mean, 'Link'?
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Trashy talk show!
Zelda: (puts her hand on her hips) I'm talkin' about Link, my man! Not yours! MINE!
Malon: (assumes an accent very similar to Forrest Gump's) Oh no he ain't your man, gal! Him and me, we been like peas and carrots ever since he had helped me and Jenn-ay from that tornado!
Zelda: Yeah, okay, whatever. He's my baby's daddy and ain't no hoochie momma like you gettin' in our way… (pauses and looks to the 'imaginary' audience that's 'booing' her) Yeah, whatever, whatever..! Anyway! (shakes her head like a chicken towards them and shows them 'the hand') You don't know me! You don't know me! Shut up! Talk to the hand!
Malon: (like Bubba from Forrest Gump) I like shrimp. Uh, jumbo shrimp… Shrimp cocktail… Shrimp gumbo…
Zelda: I got yo' shrimp right here, skank! (puts up her dukes)
Audience and other Contestants: (even get into the fray and begin to chant) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Malon: (attempts to walk up to Zelda to attack her, playfully of course, but throws a tantrum as she is held back by Steve-er, Ganondorf, the security guy) *BLEEP!* *BLEEP!*
Audience: Steve! Steve! Steve!
Nabooru: HA HA! (BUZZ!) Final Fantasy 8!
Zelda: Now I will use my ridiculous and time-consuming Junction system to fight you! (whips back her hair like Rinoa)
Malon: Just go ahead and try! You're only going to spend a good 75% of the battle trying to Draw spells from me anyway!
Zelda: (a la Ultimecia) KURSE YOU!
Nabooru: (snickers and BUZZ!) WWF!
Malon: (a la Stone Cold) If anyone thinks I should fight this girl, gimmie a HELL YEAH!
Audience: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Zelda: (a la Kurt Angle) I am your Hylian Hero! I will MAKE you tap out! It's true, it's true!
Malon: (hooks her hand in front of her nose to make it seem twice as big as it already is…like Triple H) I ammmmmm… The Gammmmmmmmmmme…
Nabooru: Hee hee! (BUZZ!) Kung Fu movie!
Zelda: (performs a really flamboyant martial arts kata) I've come to avenge my Uncle…Tom! (as she speaks, her lips are OBVIOUSLY out of synch)
Malon: (also does her own kata) Ha ha. Your Northern Flying Squirrel Style is no match for my Aardvark Fist! (horrendous lip synching here, too)
Zelda: What!? (continues moving her lips even if she is not speaking) How dare you disrespect me! (reaches towards Malon's chest and pretends to rip her heart out; for added effect she pretends to hold the beating heart in her hand by opening and closing her fist)
Nabooru: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!)
Audience and Other Contestants: (uproarious laughter!)
Nabooru: Whoo, now that is what I call a cat fight!
Link: Remind me to never make a mistake like that…
Nabooru: (reads her cards) Hee hee… Next game up is for all four contestants: Party Quirks!
Audience: YEAH!
Nabooru: For all of you not familiar with this one, one of the contestants is gonna be the host of a party while the rest of them are assuming identities written out on their cards. The host has to try and guess the guest's identity. And the host for this one is…
Link: (looks hopeful)
Nabooru: Ganondorf!
Link: (sad clown)
Nabooru: Heh heh heh. (as the contestants take their place behind an imaginary door) I'll 'ring' the guests in with my trusty buzzer! Start whenever you're ready Ganondorf.
Ganondorf: (pretends to fix the refreshments and stuff) Okay, I got the chips, dip, beer, and the baby oil! (claps his hands once) Let's do this!
Nabooru: (BUZZ!)
Ganondorf: Ah, there's someone at the door! (goes to the door and 'opens' it – there stands Malon) Hey there, fish sticks! Come inside! (ushers her in)
Malon: (supposed to be "Hippie-fied Navi") … (pretends to take a drag from a blunt) Like… HEY!… there, Ganondorf…
Ganondorf: Whoa! You brought the pot and you even forgot your shoes! (audience notes that Malon has taken off her shoes to get more into the 'character')
Malon: LISTEN! … Like… Whoa… Love and peace, man. Love and peace.
Nabooru: (BUZZ!)
Ganondorf: Sure thing! But I gotta answer the door first! (goes to the door – there stands Zelda) Whoa, c'mon in! The party's just started!
Zelda: (supposed to be "Solid Snake") …! Cover me, Raiden! (dive-rolls into the party area and then crawls stealthily along the floor)
Ganondorf: Yeah! That's it! We're here to have fun! Just do your own thing!
Zelda: (leans her back against the wall and pretends to hold a gun…then suddenly leaps out and holds her 'gun' towards Malon) FREEZE!
Malon: (puts her hands up) WATCH OUT! … And war is bad. (dances like Axl Rose)
Audience: (laughter!)
Zelda: (pretends to tap her ear for her 'CODEC') Do you read me Otacon!? …Otacon!
Nabooru: (BUZZ!)
Ganondorf: You two have fun, I'm gonna get the door… (goes to the door and, naturally, there's Link) Hey man! You're here! Great!
Link: (supposed to be a "Person who can't get his item in a vending machine") Hm! (presses his finger against Ganondorf's chest)
Ganondorf: Hey man… (quietly) Not yet…! That part comes later!
Link: (oblivious to Ganondorf's speech) Damn it…! (pounds his fist against Ganondorf, lightly) It won't come out!
Ganondorf: That's because you're hitting the wrong area…
Audience: (LAUGH!)
Malon: LISTEN! …Save the whales.
Ganondorf: (points to Malon) Screw you, you hippie Navi!
Nabooru: YEAH! (BUZZ!) That's it!
Malon: (smiles and puts her shoes back on before heading back to the contestants' seats; applause)
Link: …! Oh, come on! (grips Ganondorf by the shoulder and shakes him vehemently, while looking down at the man's feet-perhaps waiting for something, like a can of soda, to fall?) Argh! Stupid machines…!
Zelda: (looks towards Link and feigns shock, horror, and anger) OCELOT!
Ganondorf: Chill out, you…um… Metal Gear character.
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) I'll let that one slide. She's supposed to be Solid Snake.
Ganondorf: (cheeky grin) Of course.
Link: Oh, for the love of…! (gets on his knees and peers upwards in between Ganondorf's legs)
Ganondorf: Quit it! I am not a vending machine!
Nabooru: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!)
Audience: (cheer!)
Nabooru: Guess what time is it, folks!
Ganondorf: (looks at his watch) You're right! I'm going to miss Mr. Darunia's Neighborhood!
Nabooru: Not that, you numbskull! (someone throws her a large hat) It's time for Scenes from a Hat!
Ganondorf: (pout) …Oh.
Some Audience members: (snicker)
Nabooru: Anyway, before the show, we've asked members of our audience to write out which scenes they'd like to see our contestants perform. Then our production crew picked out the best ones and put 'em in this here hat. The worst ones… Uh. They're being reused as toilet paper. Anyhow..! (takes out a scrap of paper from within the hat) Messages that were given too late.
Link: (looks worried sick) Wait! Ruto! I just remembered! Zora's Domain just froze up! Don't dive! It's-uh oh…
Zelda: Dampe, I think you should get that pneumonia checked out by a doctor…
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Unfortunate Wedding Night Confessions.
Ganondorf: Now look here, Veronica-er, I mean, Betty!
Malon: (laughs nonchalantly as if she's telling an anecdote) So I hid the body in the trunk and everyone at the church was all, "Whoo! What's that smell?"
Link: To be honest, I only married you for the one million rupees divorce settlement…
Nabooru: Ugh! (BUZZ!) Wrong reactions towards someone saying "I Love You."
Malon: …! (points to the imaginary person) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Zelda: Aww. How cute! What did you say your name was again?
Link: (disbelievingly, he rolls his eyes) Right! And my name is Tony Danza!
Ganondorf: (sighs exasperatedly like a doctor) So take a pill and call me in the morning! Geez…!
Nabooru: (snickers) Horrible! Just horrible! (BUZZ!) Bad Things to Do During an Earthquake.
Ganondorf: Nonsense! Mountain climbing is very safe! Just watch!
Zelda: I'm going to take this extremely valuable and delicate china set to Impa…
Malon: Don't worry! A vasectomy doesn't hurt…!
Nabooru: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!)
Audience: (erupts into laughter!)
Ganondorf: (cringe) Ugh… Malon… Horrible imagery…
Link: (also winces) Tell me about it…
Nabooru: (smirk) Wimps! (tosses the Hat aside) Impa, come on down! It's time for the Irish Drinking Song!
Impa: (smiles and waves as she makes her way to her piano and sits down)
Nabooru: Alright, the song's gotta be about Goron City! Take it away, guys!
Contestants: (snap their fingers and line up, moving to the music being played by Impa) Ohhhhhhh…! Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!
Ganondorf: It's north from Kakariko,
Zelda: And that is pretty far.
Malon: You can walk the whole damn trip,
Link: Or take a friggin' car.
Ganondorf: It's up in the mountains,
Zelda: It can get rather dark.
Malon: I don't like going there,
Link: Because Darunia farts!
Contestants: (although there is some chuckling amongst them and the audience) Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!
Link: I've been there once or twice,
Malon: That was long ago.
Ganondorf: …Uh, I tried going there again,
Zelda: (swats Ganondorf for his improvisation) But I didn't go!
Link: (snickers) I've made Darunia dance,
Malon: Rather crazily, I'd say! (shrugs)
Ganondorf: He looked like a dancing twit,
Zelda: (shrugs) I thought he looked damned gay.
Contestants: (almost all of them are laughing at Zelda's improvisation, along with the audience and Nabooru) Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!
Ganondorf: The Gorons, they live there,
Zelda: They like to eat rocks!
Malon: They roll around and sleep everywhere,
Link: (pinches his nose) They smell like sweaty socks!
Ganondorf: Exotic place that is,
Zelda: But they sure do like Link!
Malon: I've never seen a female there,
Link: (looks horrified at this new realization) …it kinda makes you think…
Contestants: (minus Link who is still disturbed about the whole no-female Goron thing) Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh Dai…di….dai…di…daiiiiii!
Nabooru: (through snickers and the audience's laughter) Poor Link!
Finis
A/N: Bleh. I wanted to make a Hoedown for it but I couldn't think of one up. And yes, this one sucks. My excuse? Uh… None really, 'cept it's nearing 2 in the morning. Review if'n ya want. ;)
