11Chapter II: Behind Masks
Shepard sat at his desk, holding a black electronic picture frame in his hands. His eyes rested on its smooth surface, lost in thought. The cabin was completely silent save for the trickling of water from the fish tank filter on the far wall, devoid of fish. He didn't have time for pets. He didn't have time for a lot of things.
In truth Shepard sometimes felt robbed of a life. He was the only one who could save the galaxy, which hardly left time for personal interests. He often watched others with a pang of envy as they did whatever normal people do, something he probably would never have a chance at doing.
He never regretted the responsibility, he knew he was the only one with the power and the resources to save galactic civilization, a burden he shouldered with pride. He just… wished he could know what it was like. To have something he wanted, not what was needed of him.
The silence was broken by the sound of a door quietly sliding open just outside his room. If it wasn't completely silent it would have been impossible to hear, but Shepard hadn't been able to sleep for hours; he was tuned in for any sound that broke the stillness. He was puzzled; no one had ever come up to his cabin before, though that may have been in part because he was almost never here. Nonetheless he turned in his chair to face the entry way, curious to see who would be coming up at this time of night.
There was about another minute of quiet save the running water, during which Shepard guessed the person was waiting outside his room unaware he'd heard them get off the elevator. Then the door slid open and light footsteps were heard. Tali poked her head in, then upon seeing lights were still on she walked hesitantly into the cabin.
"Tali?" Shepard asked, wondering what she was doing up. Or why she'd come to his cabin of all places on the ship.
She jumped upon hearing his voice, spinning to face him. "Oh, Shepard! You're awake…"
"Is everything alright?" He asked with concern. He wasn't accustomed to his team visiting him at such late hours and wanted to make sure she was settling in okay since her rescue from Haestrom.
"Y-Yes, everything is fine, Shepard. I just…" she began, almost finishing with 'wanted to see you.' But she caught his eyes and her brain froze, unable to complete the thought. "…Couldn't sleep." She finished.
Tali looked away and felt a little childish. She played with her hands, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.
Shepard considered her thoughtfully, noting her restless behavior. The mannerisms seemed familiar but he chose not to pursue the subject. Finally he chuckled tiredly, breaking the quiet. "Welcome to the club." She looked at him and he gestured with the picture frame towards the couch and bed, inviting her to rest somewhere. "I couldn't ever manage in sleeping pods either." he said as she walked down the short steps to the main room. "Make yourself comfortable." He yawned, "Rather it not go to waste."
She ran a hand along the couch, pressing here and there to test the firmness. He watched her, still pondering her being here. Tali didn't make a habit of complaining, he would be surprised if sleeping conditions were the real reason. Finally she made herself comfortable in the crook of the couch, putting her back against the side so she could still speak to him through his vacant display case.
She turned to him and caught him looking back at the black picture frame. She gestured with a head tilt, "Someone important?" She kept her voice casual but wondered if maybe she had been wrong about her assumption of Shepard's romantic ties. It was true, her last time aboard the Normandy she hadn't spent as much time with him as some of the others… But whose picture would he look at when he couldn't sleep? 'One lucky woman…' she answered to herself, 'To have the Shepard thinking about her somewhere in the galaxy.'
Shepard looked up at the question. He was silent for a moment, then caught onto what she was referring to. "Oh this?" He slid his hand down the side of the frame to face it towards her.
She held her breath but realized it was unnecessary when she saw the screen was black. Empty.
"I was wondering about it when you came in." He cleared his throat. "Cerberus left it on my desk. Guess they know more about me than I do…" he half chuckled, taking the frame away from sight and laying it face down on the desk. He looked back to see her regarding him silently. "Sorry," he said, fearing he'd inspired some kind of sympathy, "that's not what I…" he cleared his throat again. Lack of sleep loosened his control over thoughts and often slipped more out than he intended. "Are you comfortable?" he asked, changing the subject.
Tali nodded, still quietly observing her commander. After a moment of silence she asked "Shepard, why is it so empty in here?"
Shepard who had been staring at the water tricking in the fish tank looked back at her. "Time?" he offered, shrugging. "The collectors are still out there, with the Reapers. I don't have time to feed fish or take pictures or…" he trailed off. Realizing how self-pitying he sounded he ran a hand over his face, grimacing. "I'm the only one who can stop the collectors. It's my duty to do put every minute of my life to doing so."
"Every minute?" Tali repeated, shaking her head. "Shepard you're sounding like a quarian."
"Am I?" he chuckled, leaning back in his chair and watching her through the glass. "Not sure if that's a good or bad thing…"
"You're putting your entire life into the galaxy and not taking any for yourself…" she said, voice dropping sadly. "All there is for you is the mission. You have a life too, and you should be living it."
"If I do that, soon no one will be living theirs." he responded seriously. "If I can't live my life to my fullest, it's to make sure the rest of the galaxy can."
Tali shook her head. "But there's so much more for you too, Shepard…" she looked away, drawing her knees up to her chest. "You can still save the galaxy and have a happy life…" She looked back to him. She met his gaze squarely, which gave her voice strength, "You're not alone."
Shepard allowed a warm smile to escape his features, taking his turn to look away and stare at a spot on his desk. "No, I'm not anymore."
"You might even find some hobbies to fill this place up." she said, smiling as she looked around the room. "Or someone to share it with." She added offhandedly as an afterthought. It wasn't until she said it that she realized how awkwardly it hung in the air.
Shepard looked at her sharply but she was turned to face the exact opposite side of the room and the suit made it impossible to discern any expressions. "Yeah… Maybe." He responded after a minute. "This place could use a bit more to it, you're right."
Tali wasn't sure if she was relieved or frustrated that he didn't catch her hint. He continued on the topic, "Do quarians have a lot of personal belongings in the flotilla?"
"No," she answered simply, holding her knees. "We don't have the space. We only keep what we absolutely need, and give everything else to anyone who might need it. But you have dedicated space for those kinds of possessions. It would be a waste to not use it…" she said, noting the bookshelf behind Shepard that she was certain hadn't been touched since its creation. She lowered her back into the couch, trying to get more comfortable.
Shepard noticed her sinking past the range of his vision. "Does the Normandy still feel empty, with all the area to yourself?"
"After two years back with the flotilla I'm still getting used to it. On one of our ships a couch this size would be seating at least three…" she extended her legs, testing what leg room was like, then retracted them back to her torso.
"If the couch doesn't work for you the bed is very comfortable. If Cerberus knows one thing it's luxury…" he offered, aware of her constant shuffling on the couch. "The thread count is too high to remember." He said, watching her stand and make her way to the mattress.
She sat on the bed and ran a hand along the blankets; Shepard felt a pang of insensitivity for forgetting that she couldn't feel delicate textures like softness through her suit. "I'm sorry Tali, I forgot that… Well the bed itself is very comfortable, like I said." He repeated, making a sweeping motion for her to try it.
"It's okay, Shepard." She said, waving a hand dismissively. She lay down and sank several inches below the surface. "Oh my…" She sat upright in mock anger, "And we get sleeping pods?"
Shepard allowed himself a short laugh as she sank back down into the bed. She yawned and cuddled closer to a bundle of blanket she had in her arms. She inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of him in the bed. She opened her eyes, took another deep breath, and decided to talk about why she was really here.
Shepard frowned; he wished she could feel the bed with her own skin, not just the consistency through the suit. He stood and walked to the panel by the steps, turning a few dials and dimming the lights so the only source now was the fish tanks on the wall. At least he could make it easier for her to sleep.
"Shepard." she called sleepily. "I never got a chance to… I never told you about Freedom's Progress. Did I?" She asked, voice growing serious.
Shepard looked at her. Through the helmet he could see her moon-like eyes open, staring into the blankets. Finally he answered, "No."
"I just feel like… You should know." She began, still staring into the blankets visible only by the dim blue lights that cast distorted rays upon the bed. "Because I wasn't fair when we met."
"Tali, I don't hold any of that against you." Shepard reassured her. Sure he'd wondered why it was his reception back to living had been so lukewarm but he'd guessed it was a mixture of shock and duty to complete her own mission. "You had to find Veetor. And I'd been dead for two years." He added. "I'd be a little uncertain on how to react too." He grinned at her, faint glowing scars stretching visibly on his cheek.
"Please Shepard, I want to tell you. Because it's important to me that you know." Her voice dropped low again, accent emphasizing every word. She turned her head to stare at the ceiling where the light danced across like flower petals floating across a shimmering river. "When I saw you everything in my mind started slipping away and all I could focus on was the mission, so that's all I concentrated on… I didn't know what to think about anything. I feel like I intentionally ignored you, Shepard, and that's not what I meant to…" She shook her head, "It was like a rush of things I couldn't describe and I didn't… I just wanted to…"
"Tali…" Shepard said softly, moving to sit next to her on the edge of the bed.
She turned on her side towards him but refused to make eye contact. He put a hand on her shoulder and she brought a hand up to touch it as if to confirm it was really there. Talking about her memories was a lot harder than she thought it'd be, as every emotion she'd felt during the encounter all came back the instant she began thinking about them. They flooded her mind and it became difficult to think again, but the hand on her shoulder gave her strength to continue.
"When we recovered Veetor and brought him back to the ship, I locked myself in a room and cried." She confessed, gripping his hand tightly as her voice cracked. Her shoulders heaved as she held back a sob, "I cried for hours… I was so happy, Shepard." She shook and Shepard gripped the hand back just as tightly. "So happy…"
She looked up and met his gaze, and he was able to just discern the glistening of teardrops under her eyes. "I don't ever want you to think I ignored you, Shepard. I wouldn't… Couldn't, do that. You're too important to me."
Shepard saw her eyes scanning his face frantically for a response and he leaned in, pressing his forehead to her helmet, feeling the cool glass against his skin. It'd been a long time since his heart ached, and the reminder that he had one was both as joyful as it was painful. He hadn't realized that while he'd been dead for two years, it was the people who loved him that hurt the most. More than anything else he didn't want her to hurt anymore. He pressed in tighter, bringing his other arm around her shoulders to hold her close–as close as he could pull her. "I couldn't ever think you ignored me Tali. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you." He hadn't realized how hard his heart could beat as he felt hers beating along with his–he'd forgotten about it ever since he'd devoted his life to serving the galaxy.
Her shoulders racked with another sob and she drew against him, hugging him back. "I'm so happy you're back… That I'm here again… with you." She said, burying her helmet in his chest amidst the sobs.
"I'm not going anywhere, Tali…" Shepard soothed, stroking her back. "I'm here now, with you. And I'm not going anywhere…"
They stayed that way for several minutes until the tears stopped and he lay her down for the most restful night of sleep she'd gotten in two years. He brought the blankets around her and slowly made his way back to his desk. He sat in his chair, thinking over everything that'd happened.
Could she have been right…? His gaze fell on the dusty bookshelf. 'Not empty,' he decided, 'just waiting to be filled.' His eyes moved from one space to another, and he made the same decision about each. Finally they rested on the face-down frame on his desk.
He put his hand on the back of the picture frame, lifting it to hold in both hands. He caressed the dark screen for a moment, then slid his hand up the side.
The screen flipped on, illuminating his features in the dark room. The only sound was the therapeutic bubbling of the fish tank filter. He considered the picture for a minute, bringing a hand up to touch the screen. Then he sighed, sliding his hand back down the side and turning it off, lowering the picture to watch its subject sleeping peacefully on his bed.
