1Chapter 2: Meet the Villans
Well folks, here we are again with our crazy story. As you know last time I was challenged to a duel by Black Bart. It was supposed to be a shootout, but that numbskull forgot his bullets. So instead, it turned into a licorice-eating contest, which I easily won. He should have known better than to challenge a lesbian in a licorice-eating contest. The prize for me was for him to pay for me and his wife to take a trip to anywhere we wanted to go. Unfortunately, we never got the trip because that yellow-belly bastard ran away and now he's in hiding. Wait 'til I find that jackass.
Anyhow, this is the chapter where the bank heist should have taken place. That so-called author was too lazy to proofread her own work.
Hey, watch what you're saying! I'm in charge here! You still want to remain in this story, huh?
I'm the protagonist in this story; the story wouldn't exist without me!
And I can stop writing this story, would you like that?
Okay, okay, you win. Let's just get back to the story…
While I was sipping on my whiskey at the saloon, something big was going down on the other side of town. There was a bank robbery at Last Western National Bank. Leading the robbery was none other than the toughest and most dangerous outlaw in all of New Mexico, Snake-Eye Sarah Grasso; and she also brought along her two partners in the bank heist, the tough Texas T. Tad and the resourceful Rusty Belt Russell.
(Cue the old-school Western villain music) "Okay, everybody, this is a stick up! Hand over your money, jewelry, weapons, gold caps, platinum bling, American Express cards, iPods, and anything else that's valuable. And no one will get hurt! Oh, and we don't take traveler's checks!"
"Umm Sarah, nobody has an American Express card, or platinum bling, or even an iPod. This is the old Wild West, remember?" Russell reminded her with disbelief.
"Oh. Yeah, well... just give me all your valuables!"
Even though she disguised herself with a handkerchief over her face, someone still recognized her.
"Oh my, it's Snake-Eye Sarah."
"No I'm not!" she yelled back.
"Yes you are. I recognize those clothes and that handkerchief from the last robbery you did at the Third to Last Western Bank in Albuquerque two days ago!"
Russell smartly told her, "See I told you that you needed to wear some new clothes."
"Shut up, Carson Kressley!" she barked back. Her attention went back to the old lady, "Well then, Grandma, since you know who I am, you just volunteered yourself to be the first to hand me your goodies!" She pointed her gun right at the poor old lady's head.
The old woman reluctantly opened her purse and took out all her money, but Sarah saw something that looked like gold.
"Okay mama, I know you got some gold in there. Hand it over now!"
"Uh… uh... I don't think you would want it..."
"What? Are you kidding me? Anything golden is good for me. Now hand over that purse, granny!"
The woman did as she was told and handed over her purse. When Sarah opened it, she saw the golden object as it started to vibrate! Ewww, I know... In total shock and disgust, Sarah handed back the purse. "Yeah, you can keep that gold!"
Besides that, everybody handed over their valuables without any trouble... Sarah and her gang took anything they could get their greedy hands on, and then some. Sarah even stole a Chocolate bar from a fat kid just as he was about to eat it.
"Hey! That's my candy bar!"
"Shut it, kid! Just think diet!"
While the robbery was going on, Texas T. Tadd had wondered off a bit and lost focus, instead he was talking to a lady, "Howdy there miss. What's your name?"
Her face told him just how unimpressed she was with his pick-up, "Why should I tell you my name? I don't even know what you look like."
"What, you think I'm ugly or something?"
"Maybe," she said indifferently.
Tad then stupidly removed his handkerchief from his face, but that impressed her even less. In fact, she started to laugh.
"With that face of yours, you should have kept it on," she snickered.
"What? You don't think you've just seen the sexiest-looking guy on the face of the earth?"
"You? Puleeez…" she scoffed. "Talk to the hand, idiot!"
When Russell saw, he got really upset, "Tad, you dumb-ass, what the hell are you doing?" He quickly knocked the girl out with his gun.
"What's the matter?" he asked ignorantly.
Russell came up to him and whispered in his ear, "You don't have your mask on, fool!"
"Oops!" was all he said and Tad quickly went to a corner, putting on back his handkerchief. Luckily, she was the only one who saw him without it.
"What the hell is going on?" Sarah asked. "And why did you hit a girl? I know that girls ain't your thing, but damn!"
Russell rolled his eyes, "It's not like that! Tad removed his handkerchief from his face just to impress this girl. She saw what he looked like, so I had to knock her out."
She looked at the knocked-out girl lying cold on the floor and shook her head in disbelief, "Remind me later on to find some new muscle, Russ."
"Will do, believe me…"
Mad as a peeled rattler, she went to the corner and pulled Tad by his right ear, "What the fuck were you thinkin' in that mash potato head o' yours? You should know better," she gritted.
"But I'm sorry. I'll -"
She smacked him hard across his face. "I don't want to hear any excuses! And you're not even doing the job right. Did you even check that man out?" she pointed to man wearing a misplaced toupee.
"No. What's so special about him, besides that he's wearing his toupee wrong?"
Sarah started to boil like a tea kettle, "You fuckin' idiot! Ain't it obvious that he's hiding something underneath it?" The man was starting to get very nervous and then she pointed the gun at him, "Ain't that right, mister?"
"Y-y-yes ma'am, I'm sorry 'bout that!" He nervously removed his toupee and handed his silver watch to Sarah.
"Thank you very much!" She showed her appreciation by hitting the guy in the stomach with her gun. She returned her attention back to that rock-brained Tad.
"Boy, I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'm gonna knock you all the way to next Tuesday and be ready for you the following Wednesday! Now get the rest of the loot and don't fuck up!"
"Yes, Snake Eye," he replied nervously.
When they had finally gotten all the goodies, she addressed the customers, "Thank you for your cooperation. It's been a pleasure doing business with you mighty fine folks. Have a wonderful day."
And so they got on their horses and rode away.
"Do you always have to give that stupid speech at every robbery?"
"Why not? I like to rub it in."
Russell shook his head in disbelief and muttered 'Idiot' under his breath. However, something else was on Tad's mind.
"I wish I had that girl's address."
"SHUT UP!" Sarah and Russell yelled at him in unison.
Back at the saloon, I was working on my fifth whiskey. Bored as a two-by-four, I was watching some guy telling his corny jokes on stage. People were starting to boo at him and they started to throw their glasses and beer bottles at him. If you think them crowds at the Apollo are hostile, you ain't see how we act, kiddo.
"And I said to him, take my wife please!" The boo's were getting louder. Even Bobo was trying to boo at him! Then a patron got up from his seat and pulled out his shotgun. BOOM! - No more comedian... See, at least you live to see another day at the Apollo.
After they cleaned up all the blood and guts off the stage, the host came to announce the next performer.
"Well, he always thought of himself as a big shot… Coming up next is a very provocative dance performance that I'm sure you don't want to miss. None of you guys will be disappointed and neither will some of you girls! She's quite an expert in the art of the can-can; and believe me folks, she'll show it to you!" That got quite a few chuckles from the crowd. "Now let's give it up for the sensational Katie Singer!"
Then she came on the stage. I don't know if it's me or it's the whiskey, but my eyes were fixed the moment I saw her. That slim figure, those green eyes, and that long beautiful brown hair of hers. She was like an angel, with black stockings! When she danced the can-can, I nearly fell out of my stool. Watching those beautiful legs of hers rising so high in the air was amazing.
Apparently, I wasn't the only one impressed with her performance; a guy came up very close to the stage and it looked like the bouncer was going to take care of him, but Katie told him not to.
"Don't worry, Big Bertha, I'll handle this." She turned her attention to the loser, "So you like what you see?" she said with a touch of seduction.
"Ab-so-loot-lee!" the guy responded. It was apparent that the fool was quite drunk.
"Well I'm glad you do. Do you wanna see some more?" she teased. She was so leading him on.
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" he panted like a sick horn dog.
"Good. Now just bend your back a little bit, like this," as she positioned his back to the way she wanted it. The crowd was behind him, wondering what she was doing.
"There, perfect. Now stand still like the drunk stiff you are, and I really mean it."
With her powerful legs, she high-kicked the hat off of his head, reveling her drawers to the pervert. And on them were written, 'Don't Even Try It!'. The hat flew all the way to where I was sitting and I caught it. That must have been like at least 12 feet! Damn, I don't want to be in a kung-fu fight with her! The pervert wasn't sure whether to laugh or run away in fear.
She then gave him some much needed scolding, "The next time you come up to the stage this close, I'll kick your head off your body, got that?"
"Y-y-yes ma'am. I won't do it again."
"You better not. And that goes for the rest of you!"
"Yes ma'am," the crowd responded, knowing better than to mess with her. After that, the crowd applauded for nearly a minute, but all that ended as soon as she opened her mouth.
"Thank you very much. I appreciate it. As you can see, I'm a very good dancer, but as my last name being Singer, I shall sing a song for you mighty fine folks. Piano man, hit it!"
The piano man played the intro, and then she began to sing. I wish that the piano man would have played the intro a lot longer…
"LLLOOOVVVINNNGGG YYYOOOUUU, IIIISSSS AAAALLLL TTTTHHHAAATTT IIII RRREEEAAALLLYYY WWWAAAANNNTTTT TTOO DDOO!"
That screeching voice of hers was terrible. I heard better sounds coming from cactus pins scratching a blackboard. Everybody was covering their ears. The saloon's dog was howling, trying to drown her out. Even the horses outside were covering up their ears with their hooves! The glass bottles and glass shots were shattering all over the place, and I knew the worst hasn't come yet. I knew the song has a very high pitch part to it. If she gets to that part, then there will be no more liquor in this place. Hell, there probably won't be a saloon! I knew I had to do something quick.
"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA... DO DO DO DO DO... AAHH" – SMACK! Thank God I covered her mouth on time! My action got a lot of applause. She was struggling to break free from my grip, but I whispered in her ear, "You saw what happened to the guy before you, right?" She shook her head nervously. "Trust me; they will do the same to you, so just cooperate with me here." She nodded in affirmation.
Then I let go of her and started to sing a cowboy classic, "A Fair Lady of the Plains".
"There was a fair lady who lived on the plains
She helped me herd cattle through hard stormy rains."
Then she was about to sing, but I quickly told her, "Don't sing a word, just hum." Fortunately, it worked. So I continued singing:
"She helped me one season all through the roundup
She would drink with me from the cold bitter cup
She loved the red liquor which serves a man so
She was a fair lady as white as the snow."
Everybody started to sing along with me and mood changed back to its normal drunken spirit. When I got done with the song, there was a loud applause. Finally, we got off the stage and had a chat.
"Thank you very much."
"No problem ma'am. Your name is Katie Singer right?"
"Yes, but they call me 'Screeching Hawk'. I don't know why."
"I don't know why either…" I replied while rolling my eyes, I couldn't tell her the awful truth; I was trying to get a date, folks!
"So what's yours?"
"Jessie James Sammler, ma'am."
"I've heard about you, you're the local sheriff, right?"
"Yes indeed, the best sheriff in all of New Mexico!"
Then the pervert came up to me, "Sherriff Sammler, can I get my hat back?"
I could give him his hat back, but instead I decided to have some fun with him… "Of course, if you would do me one favor…"
He looked at me and sighed, "No, not that! Please ma'am, please!"
"Yes, that. You know I like it when you do that."
It looked like he was about to cry. Well, that's what he gets for trying to take advantage of a lady.
"Oh okay, I ain't got much of a choice it seems like…" he pouted. He warmed up his vocal cords then he started to sing that stupid song:
"Miya-hee
Miya-hoo
Miya-ho
Miya-haha."
We were laughing our asses off. He does a funnier job of singing that song than that fat guy on the Internet! After he finished, I gave him back his hat. Now I can pick up where I left off with Katie.
"Can you show me around the area?" she said with a flirtatious smile.
"Of course ma'am," I flirted back. I loved watching that teasing smile of hers.
"Just call me Katie."
"Yes ma'am... I mean Katie!"
She just chuckled, "That's much better."
"And you can call me Jessie. Come with me, let me introduce you to my friends."
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