16Old Gendo's Game
By Lord Raa
Disclaim-me-do: Just to sit asking questions like these?
Kozo Fuyutsuki looked up in surprise at the inexplicable puff of smoke that appeared in his office.
"Hello there, Kozo, how's tricks?"
"What? Who's there?" the grey-haired man demanded.
The smoke started to clear and a bearded man stepped forward. "You don't remember me? You're hurting my feelings, Kozo Fuyutsuki."
"No… It can't be…"
"It is."
"But you're dead…"
"Dead? I think you're confusing me with somebody else." The new arrival shook his head. "Just who do you think I am?"
"You're Gendo Ikari; you were one of my students!" Kozo declared.
"In a manner of speaking, but I'm here to take you to Hell," Gendo smiled cheerfully.
"Why?"
"Because I'm pretty sure that Shinji's mother doesn't approve of the way you've neglected him."
The grey-haired man blinked. "What are you talking about, Yui died over a decade ago."
"Not quite. Though there are those that would say that she started to feel unwell when Nietzsche got that publishing contract. Still, that's for another debate."
"What are you talking about, Ikari?"
"It's not important right now. What is important is that you know the truth about your son. Well, I say son, but you're not Shinji's father. I am."
"You slept with my wife?" Fuyutsuki demanded angrily.
"It was a tawdry affair that involved us doing nasty, nasty things with each other. Like consensual sex in the missionary position with the lights off. I never understood that particular kink, but hey, at least I can say that I tried it," Gendo smiled. "You probably realised that Shinji doesn't look much like you nor has your eyes. Or blood type…"
"… Now that you mention it, it does seem strange. Still, I thought that he was just taking after his mother. But how did you appear in my office?"
"I've got a confession to make."
"What?"
"I'm Satan, the Prince of Darkness," Gendo said calmly as his appearance started to look a lot more goat-like.
"No…"
"Oh yes. And I've got another confession to make: I'm the cause of your fatal heart attack. Boo!"
"Hrnnngggg…" Fuyutsuki clutched his chest and keeled over.
"Just as planned," Satan rubbed his clawed hands together.
Fuyutsuki blinked in surprise as he took several seconds to take stock of his new surroundings. He recoiled at the stench of sulphur and at the sight of the hideous demon with a clipboard.
"W-who are you?"
"Gary," the winged grotesque answered. "Now then, Professor Kozo Fuyutsuki? Oh dear, not another academic."
"What's wrong with academia?" the grey-haired man asked. "Do you have something against scholars?"
"Yes and that something is often a red-hot poker," Gary smiled knowingly. "So then, let's see what your story is."
Satan appeared and took the clipboard off his assistant. "Research scientist, seduced several of your students, neglected his son, and tried the 'whoops, wrong hole' trick on the wrong woman."
"B-b-but how can you know all this?" Fuyutsuki demanded.
"One, our system keeps track of every creature capable of making moral decisions and what sins they've committed. And two, Shinji's mother told me," the goat-like being explained with an insufferable smirk.
"Yui is here?"
"Only in the sense that she's everywhere," Satan answered cryptically. "Now, where shall I put you?"
"What do you mean that Yui is everywhere?" Fuyutsuki asked. "I demand an answer!"
"Professor, allow me to help you understand the situation. By filling your underpants with scorpions."
"What? AAARRGHHH!" the elderly man screamed in agony.
"Ah, that never gets old, does it, Gary?" Satan asked, turning to his assistant.
"Nope, never," Gary smiled. "Now then, where do you want to put the Professor?"
"Hmm… start him in the Pit of Endless Bureaucracy. Give him that pile of tax returns. You know, the ones written by those dyslexics who complain about delays," the Prince of Darkness said.
"Delightful, Sire," the assistant nodded.
Kozo Fuyutsuki looked over the illegible and incorrectly filled out tax form he'd been trying to make sense of and sighed.
"How long is this going to take?"
"Forever, Mortal, that's the whole point of eternal torment," Satan answered. He leaned in to peer at his victim. "Hang on, you're a scholar: you weren't being rhetorical, were you? I don't like it when people are all rhetorical. It makes me want to race cockroaches around their small intestines."
"… No, I wasn't being rhetorical," Fuyutsuki insisted. "I was just…"
"It doesn't matter right now, Professor because I have been thinking about moving you on to a new torment."
"You have?"
"Yes," Satan nodded his horned head. He revelled when he saw the look of confusion on the old man's face. "Tell me Professor, how do you feel about lobster?"
"What sort of lobster," the grey-haired man asked.
"Oh, it's very special, Professor. Like everything here."
"All hail Satan!" Gary greeted breathlessly as he ran towards the cackling figure.
"Oh, hi there Gary, I was just introducing the Professor here to our pet lobster."
"YAARRGGHH!" the grey-haired man bellowed in agony.
"As you can see, he still hasn't learned to deal with his irrational hatred of nipples," Satan said as he turned to his lackey. "Now, what's bothering you?"
"Well, there's a message for you. From the Almighty," Gary said, nervously holding out a scroll.
"Fine, let's see what's bothering Her Omniscience," the Prince of Darkness said as he opened the scroll. "'We need to talk.' Well, that's just great. I get that She likes the old 'moving in mysterious ways' lark, but still, you'd have thought that She would have given me some details. You know, like where we're meeting."
"W-wait," Fuyutsuki gasped, crawling to the edge of the pit. "God is a woman?"
"Why do you think your testicles are on the outside?" Satan asked.
"Well, it's to control the temperature-"
The goat-legged demon leaned towards the tormented soul. "And don't you think that someone capable of creating the universe could engineer things so that being kicked between the legs wouldn't hurt?"
Fuyutsuki looked down. "Well, now that you mention it…"
"Yes, now shut up before I decide to give you a new suit."
"A living suit?" Gary asked, a smile forming on his lips.
"Yes, one made of bullet ants. Now, let's see what She wants," Satan sighed before fading from view.
Atop Mount Everest, Satan crossed his arms across his torso. He wasn't cold, just getting bored with waiting for his meeting. After a moment, he looked down and saw a hoofed foot tapping impatiently.
"She's always doing this to me."
"Greetings, you foul pestilent creature!" a deep, booming voice emerged from a blinding light.
Satan rolled his obsidian eyes. "Nice to see you too, Your Supreme Magnificence."
"Oh, I wanted to see you get angry again," God pouted, her white robes flowing around her body in the high winds. "You're cute when you're enraged."
"Even the Almighty is attracted to the badboy personality type, I don't know," the Prince of Darkness muttered good-naturedly. "So, what's bothering you, your Excellency?"
"It's about my son."
"I haven't seen him since that time in the desert."
"Not that one, the one who can't walk on water. Shinji," the divine being explained. "You know, our son."
"Oh yes, Shinji," Satan nodded. "Well, I haven't seen him for a while and, to be honest, I thought that it would be for the best if I left him alone. I figured he'd spend eternity with you and his half-brother in Heaven."
"He will," God stated matter-of-factly. "It's just that, well, he's feeling a bit depressed right now and I don't want to have to make an exception if he kills himself."
"Fair enough. But you could intervene if you wanted to."
"And open myself up to accusations of favouritism? Besides, I know you remember what they did to his brother."
Satan sighed. "I see, so what do you want me to do?"
God looked thoughtful. "Well, I suppose that you could, you know, take some responsibility and make him happy."
"Make him happy? MAKE HIM HAPPY? I'm the Prince of Darkness – I'm supposed to make people UNHAPPY!" the goat-like man ranted. "And just how is Shinji watching me torment the Damned for all eternity supposed to make him happy?"
"It's not, Satan. I just, well…"
"I don't mind helping you out here, but for most mortals, the things that make them happy condemn their souls to Hell. Especially the things that make teenaged boys happy."
"What?" God demanded. "Shinji wouldn't…"
"He's what, fourteen now? Oh yeah, he's touching himself at night while he thinks about the cute girls he sees."
"He's not like that! I mean, his brother…"
"Don't get me wrong, Shinji and Jesus are nice guys, but it's a different world down there now. Besides, Shinji has internet access," the horned man smirked.
"I wish you hadn't put that idea in mortals' heads."
"I wish you hadn't flipped out and told me our love could never be," Satan muttered.
"What was that?" God asked, her eyes narrowing.
"Nothing. Look, I can help Shinji have some fun, but he'll end up sinning. Maybe nothing major, like murder, but certainly attempted fornication. Maybe even adultery if that hot teacher of his is married."
"I thought you said that you hadn't seen him for a while?"
Satan sighed. "Well, it was in passing while I was sowing discord and making mischief. Now there's going to be a cutesy adaptation of Lovecraft's work."
"What's his teacher like?"
"She's a slutty drunkard. But she does have nice tits."
"Please, don't be vulgar."
"Vulgar? I'm half goat!" the Devil shouted. After a moment he sighed. "Fine, she's got nice tatty-bojangles. Is that better?"
"Marginally. But I don't want some dirty woman sleeping with my pure and innocent son," the divine female frowned.
"We're going around in circles here. You want me to make your son happy, but when he learns the truth, his world will collapse!"
"Just… do something!"
"What's in it for me?" Satan asked. "I could just as easily send him up to St. Peter if he did arrive at my place."
"You could have your hair back," God offered.
"My hair? My long, beautiful hair that was as soft as gossamer and colour of the summer sun? My hair that you loved running your fingers through?"
God blushed at the memory. "Yes…"
"OK, I'll do it. By the way, what do you want me to do with your ex husband?" Satan asked.
"What about him?" the Supreme Being asked, her features darkening. "Stupid pervert…"
"I left him with a giant super lobster with an irrational hatred of nipples. Was there anything in particular that scared him?"
"Kozo Fuyutsuki suffers from terrible arachnophobia…"
"Then it's time for Jeff to have some fun," the goat-like man beamed. "Catch you later, Darling."
"Cheeky!" God playfully swatted Satan on the arm.
Satan returned to his domain with a smile on his face. He approached the pit where Kozo Fuyutsuki lay panting in exhaustion.
"Hi there Professor," he greeted. "How's the lobster?"
"…"
"Don't look at me like that, Professor. It's unbecoming of a man of your stature. Besides, I think our chitin-clad friend has vented most of his hatred. I'll take you to your room for a nice rest."
"…"
"Do you want to risk being here when the lobster wakes up?"
"You have a point," Fuyutsuki conceded, somehow finding the energy to climb out of the pit.
"You look like you could do with a lie down in a darkened room. I'll even get a hammock put in for you," Satan smiled.
"A hammock?"
"I thought you'd prefer a hammock to the hard floor, especially considering your age."
"It's not that I don't appreciate your kindness, it's just that… well, you're not known for doing nice things for people," the grey-haired man explained.
"Tell me about it. Popular culture is always demonising me," Satan sighed. "Still, a nice lie down will help you feel better. I'll even bring you someone to talk to. You might have some problems with his accent at first, but Jeff's a good sort."
"What sort of accent does Jeff have?"
"Scouse."
After setting Professor Fuyutsuki down on the hammock in his room, Satan noticed that a sweaty Greek man was shouting again.
"Spartans!" he bellowed, causing his fellow warriors to form into a phalanx behind him.
"Oi, Leonidas, keep it down or there'll be trouble!" Satan ordered. "I've warned you about this before."
"Tonight-" the scantily-clad man started to shout with his sword raised above his head.
"That's it! Tonight you dine on lutefisk and Casu Marzu!" the Prince of Darkness declared, snapping his fingers.
There was a puff of smoke and the 300 Spartans found themselves seated at a long table with a number of demons dressed as waiters from high-class restaurants scurrying around with paper plates.
"Yes, Leo, tonight you and your friends dine here in Hell. You dine on festering fish and rotten cheese. If I hear one word of complaint, you're fighting Jane Austin bare-handed." Satan turned on his cloven foot and strolled off to start thinking about what to do about his son.
Shinji Fuyutsuki took a deep breath as he opened the door. He knew that his friends cared about him and he appreciated that fact a great deal – their antics brought a smile to his face more often than not.
But he just wanted to be left alone with his thoughts for a while before he tried to get back to normal.
"Hi..." he trailed off when he saw an imposing man standing in the doorway.
"Shinji Fuyutsuki?"
"Y-yes," Shinji confirmed, unable to fathom out why the bearded man standing before him made him feel so uncomfortable.
"Good. I'm a friend of your mother's, she asked me to look out for you. My name is Gendo Ikari."
"Y-you knew my mother?"
"Yes, we were close, but we drifted apart some time ago," Gendo explained. "But I have some important news for you."
"You do?" Shinji asked, swallowing nervously.
"Yes. I have called your school and told them that you will not be attending today. Grab your jacket and follow me."
"Wait, just who are you?"
"Shinju Fuyutsuki," Gendo said adjusting his glasses so that the light reflected off them theatrically, "you are not yet ready for such knowledge. But if all goes to plan, you soon will be."
To be continued?
Well, this was something that was inspired by the radio comedy "Old Harry's Game".
Not that this is close to being as good as that, but hey, sometimes things like a "super lobster with an irrational hatred of nipples" is just too funny to ignore.
And yes, I know that in canon, Gendo's family name was "Rokubungi", not Ikari.
But as some of you might have noticed, this is not canon.
Pre-read by Chi Vayne and previewed on certain intertubes.
