Author's Note: It's been quite awhile, since I've updated, but at last there's another little bit of this absurdity for you. This chapter is dedicated to my friend Carolyn, who not only made fanart for the last chapter (link to which you may find in my profile if you scroll down a bit) but also demanded I write a chapter for this story in which Kakuzu says... well you'll see. Anyway, enjoy and remember, this is crack. And crack is most definitely whack.

Chapter Three In Which Kakuzu Is Feeling… Strange…

Gossiping… I know it's a terrible habit. A vice really. One might even call it a sin. My name is Konan, and you know what I have to say about all that? Fuck it. 'Cause I've got stuff to tell you.

Like about Kakuzu and what he's really been collecting money for. You may have noticed that Kakuzu will talk about money… a lot. I believe Hidan got so angry that he shoved a shoe down Kakuzu's throat one time when the crazy bastard was going on and on about the stock market. It was in the middle of dinner. I wasn't too pleased. And now that I think about it, neither was Nagato.

Ah… good times.

So anyway, Kakuzu, money, big deal for the guy if you hadn't noticed. Now most of the time Kakuzu says he's collecting money to fund Akatsuki, but let me tell you that is a downright lie.

Because if he was collecting money for Akatsuki he would be giving it to me since I cover all the administrative aspects of the organization. Handy being a paper girl! I see probably about ten percent at most of the money that Kakuzu collects when he goes out.

The rest goes under his mattress. I know. I've checked. He keeps it all stored in a sock (a very big sock). Probably the lamest hiding place ever and I wouldn't be surprised if Tobi and Kisame are sneaking in and skimming off the top of his stash.

Now, one might wonder why exactly is Kakuzu hoarding all this money like a mythical dragon or something of that nature (I read books, okay!).

Well, I happened to get a little clue when I stumbled upon the man—haha—in a rather awkward situation. He was wearing a dress. A blonde wig. Make up (and not the tasteful kind either). High heels (even I can't handle those things). And well, the list goes on, but I think you've gotten the general idea.

He was also singing. In a falsetto. It was actually quite good. I wonder why he hasn't tried to make any money off of that talent.

Kakuzu noticed that I had spotted him and he sort of had a nervous breakdown. Something along the lines of screaming, "I have too much money and I want boobies!" and running away into the sunset.

Anyway, I actually need your help. See after that incident, Kakuzu decided to run away, taking his hoard of cash with him. You see, he's off to get a sex change and it's a misuse of Akatsuki funds. Really when you want to make a large expenditure of this sort, you need to approach the board of directors (meaning Nagato) and ask for permission (meaning get down on your knees and beg like a dog). So if you see Kakuzu—because I think he may not have actually left the hideout yet—could you maybe get him to calm down?

You see, I think he's worried that if we find him we'll try to stop him. I think he thinks were intolerant jerks who don't understand the plight of a woman trapped in man's body (did anyone ever notice how kinky that sounds?). We love Kakuzu. We just want him to be honest with us. 'Kay, thanks!