11Title: Yes
Spoilers: Season 5, ep 9, 'Last Resort' especially, but also Thirteen's general actions and behaviour from episode 5, 'Lucky Thirteen'.
Disclaimer: I own nada.
Summary: Written for the house femfest, for the prompt "After Last Resort Thirteen decides it's definitely time to tell Cuddy how she feels about her." A one-shot.
"I don't wanna die!"
Her words echoed over and over inside as she replayed the events of the previous day on a loop in her head; unable to let go. There was nothing she wanted more than to fall asleep again, to put reality on hold for just a few hours whilst she gained back some of her lost strength. However, considering that she'd just woken up this wasn't likely to happen, and so she was forced to remain weakly lying in her hospital bed, with just her thoughts for company. She was sure that for the next week she would remain alone, aside from perhaps the odd gloating visit from House, and maybe from Foreman to arrange details of the drugs trial.
The drugs trial that wasn't going to change anything. Not really.
She was still going to die, and a few months extra wasn't going to make all that much of a difference. It was doubtful that any sort of experimental treatment she took part in would ever advance enough to cure her of the Huntington's; in fact, it could even shorten her lifespan by a great deal if things were to go wrong. It would no longer be a case of dying in ten years; but possibly dying in ten weeks instead. But she had to try, give it a go.
Because she wasn't ready to die. Not yet.
If Thirteen were honest with herself, she wasn't sure she would ever stop being scared enough to face death calmly. She'd seen the way this horrible horrible disease had ravaged her mother, had taken away from her the most precious woman she'd ever known; loved. Above all, she had been powerless to stop it, to make her mother feel just that little bit better about what awaited her. She'd numbly watched, unprepared for the inevitable, without letting a single tear roll down her face.
She had to be strong for her mother. Not weak.
The same way she needed to be strong now; even if it was hard. Even if all she wanted to do was self-destruct. She'd done that and it had gotten her nowhere. Being destructive had led to her nearly losing her job; the one thing that she lived for, and her two (previously) healthy kidneys; when she had enough health issues to deal with. So now it was time to grow up and to face the Huntington's with courage; to make her life worthwhile. Therefore, she waited until a nurse came in to do her half hourly obs, and politely requested a pen, and some paper too.
She made a list.
She started off with general things such as, 'Smile more often' and 'Don't let House's sarcasm get to you'. Then deciding that she should probably put some thought into it, she progressed to 'Learn to play the guitar' and 'Get involved in charity work'. After all, she'd always fancied herself as a make believe rock star. When other girls were aspiring to be Barbie Dolls, she was listening to Aerosmith, Kiss and Blondie; dreaming of herself as some sort of female rock God. The charity work, she surmised, was a way of helping others who suffered with Huntington's; bring to her the realisation that she wasn't alone.
Easier said than done, but she could give it a go. Right?
She was just debating what else she could add to the list, when she heard the click of heels against the linoleum floor. Glancing up, she observed Cuddy standing before her, her eyes flitting between Thirteen and the piece of paper she clasped in her hand.
"Please Dr. Hadley, do not tell me that you're submitting a DNR request," Cuddy spoke sharply, using her very best boss voice.
"What? Why would I be doing that?" Thirteen asked, confused. She folded up the piece of paper, for the moment placing it on her bedside table, the pen on top.
"Well according to House you seemed intent on some sort of sacrificial suicide mission yesterday," Cuddy stated, walking closer to Thirteen's bed. "Care to explain?"
"There's nothing to explain," Thirteen replied calmly. "He was going to test those drugs on someone; so I figured it may as well be me."
Cuddy's eyebrows raised several inches. "Really? So… you're telling me that this has nothing to do with the Huntington's?"
Thirteen considered lying, but what good would that do? Honesty was her best choice, in this situation at least. "I guess it did; at the time. I'm going to die anyway, it was better for me to take the risk than those other people. People with families, with something to live for," She paused, allowing Cuddy to take in her words. "But now I see. Now I realise that this... it's something I've got to fight against. Because what's the point in just... giving up?"
"You expect me to believe you, taking everything into account? Just like that?" Cuddy pushed. Thirteen had to give it to her; she was persistent as hell.
"No. I don't expect anything from you, Dr. Cuddy. But I'd very much like you to trust me," Thirteen said quietly, respectfully.
Cuddy hesitated for a moment before she spoke again. "Considering everything that's happened; I think you should see a therapist, Dr. Hadley. They'll be able to help you deal with this in the proper way, and…"
"There is no proper way to deal with it," Thirteen interrupted. "And yeah, casual sex and… and other things I've done really weren't the smartest ideas I've had. Now I understand though," She swallowed. "I'm going to appreciate my life."
Cuddy sighed, surveying Thirteen with sympathy in her eyes. "You shouldn't have to deal with this on your own."
"I won't," Thirteen informed her. "I want to… I want to get involved with a Huntington's charity. Speak to other people like me, and people who are dealing with advanced Huntington's. I don't really remember the details of my mother's illness, I was too young. Too concerned with the fact that she was dying to think about the symptoms." She stopped talking, bit her lip. She hadn't meant to reveal so much, it had just… happened.
Cuddy moved towards Thirteen, placing a hand upon hers. "I can put you in touch with some people, if you'd like."
Thirteen forced a smile, trying not to focus on the softness of the hand placed on hers. "Thank you. I'd appreciate that."
Cuddy nodded. "When you've recovered, come and see me for the details."
"Sure," Thirteen replied.
"Take care, Remy," Cuddy said softly, as she removed her hand from its' resting place on Thirteen's. With no glance back, she left the room.
Thirteen stared after her, thoughts whirring inside her head. She wasn't sure if she should, but then, what was life without some risks? And considering the ones she'd been taking lately; this should be a walk in the park for her. Reaching for the paper and pen once more, she unfolded the paper and examined her list.
Determinedly, pen poised in her hand, she added another wish to the list.
'Ask Cuddy on a date.'
Two weeks later, fully recovered, Thirteen strode through the corridors of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. She was on her way to see Cuddy, having psyched herself up to do this. It was only her first day back, but then; she didn't have time to waste. If Cuddy turned her down; so be it. She would move on, find someone else that made her skin tingle, her blood pump rapidly through her veins. Accomplish the other things on her list that were going to be achieved a hell of a lot more easily than dating her boss.
Cuddy was sitting at her desk when Thirteen arrived at her office. She looked busy, Thirteen decided, but then; when didn't she look busy? Thirteen wanted to do this now whilst she still had the courage to; before she lost her nerve and ran in the opposite direction. Therefore, chewing on her bottom lip, Thirteen raised a hand and lightly rapped on the door to Cuddy's office.
It took Cuddy several seconds before she looked up to see who was waiting. When she comprehended the fact that it was Thirteen, she beckoned her in, gesturing with her hand that it was ok for Thirteen to enter. Her expression didn't reveal what she was thinking, and so Thirteen was unable to deduce how she felt about being disturbed.
Not wanting to risk anyone overhearing, Thirteen shut the door behind her. Slowly, she approached Cuddy's desk, taking a seat opposite her and waiting in silence for Cuddy to finish writing. The Dean was mumbling under her breath, her hand furiously scribbling on the page before her. Thirteen wasn't sure exactly what she was doing, but she thought she caught the words, 'House' and 'Ass' escape from Cuddy's lips.
Trying not to grin as she considered all the possible things House had achieved in her absence, Thirteen cleared her throat, trying to rearrange her face into a neutral expression.
Cuddy misread what she was attempting to do and looked up at her; eyebrows high. "Patience is a virtue, Dr. Hadley," She studied Thirteen's expression. "Is something amusing you?"
Thirteen felt a pang inside as Cuddy berated her. She hadn't come here to annoy Cuddy; that was the last thing she wanted to do. She attempted to explain. "No, I... I wasn't rushing you. Sorry, I'll come back later, you've obviously got a lot to do." She stood, feeling like an idiot.
"No you're here now," Cuddy put down her pen, focusing her attention on Thirteen. "What can I do for you?"
"I just... came to ask if you'd had a chance to get me the details of a Huntington's charity," Thirteen blurted out, sitting back down. "You said you'd put me in touch with some people?"
"Hmm, I did. I meant to email them to you but I've not had a chance, especially with House having crashed the entire computer system for a whole day," Cuddy made a face as she announced this.
Thirteen smirked. "He did that all by himself? He's cleverer than I thought."
"For once, he didn't intend to. I wouldn't believe him but he spent the entire day badgering me about 'lost files' that were 'valuable' to him," Cuddy told her. "Of course, by that he meant his porn collection, though if he hadn't been trying to update it then he wouldn't have downloaded a virus and none of this would have happened in the first place."
Thirteen couldn't stop herself from giggling this time. She was surprised that she still had it in her to laugh; it had been so long. But somehow, within the confines of Cuddy's office alone with the other woman, she felt the closest to happy she had in a long time.
Cuddy stopped searching through the papers on her desk, and looked incredulously at Thirteen, not believing what she was seeing. "Did you just laugh, Dr. Hadley?"
"I'm sorry, but it is pretty funny," Thirteen continued grinning in Cuddy's direction. "Only House could cause that much devastation simply from downloading x-rated content from the internet." She stopped talking, worried that Cuddy wouldn't see the funny side and was about to yell at her.
Surprisingly, Cuddy returned her smile. "You make a good point; something like this has House written all over it." She handed over a sheet of paper; back to business, ever the professional. "This should contain everything you need to know. The phone number at the bottom is the number of a Huntington's sufferer called Sarah Thomas who's willing to speak to you. She's in the early stages of the disease. I think you'll like her."
Thirteen raised an eyebrow at Cuddy's last few words, wondering if Cuddy was implying something. She was just about to ask, when Cuddy answered her anyway.
"Not like that," Cuddy rolled her eyes, then fixed a fierce glare on Thirteen. "Actually, she's a friend of mine, so don't even think about it."
"You have a friend with Huntington's?" Thirteen asked quietly. Her blood ran cold.
"Yes," Cuddy replied. Then, catching sight of the expression on Thirteen's face she added, "Is there something wrong?"
"No," Thirteen lied, fidgeting. She felt sick at the revelation that Cuddy was friends with a Huntington's sufferer. That meant she had seen what it was like firsthand. She knew what to expect on a personal level, not just as a doctor.
In that moment, Thirteen realised what a stupid idea asking Cuddy out would be.
"Thanks for the information," Thirteen rose quickly, taking great strides towards the door. "I'd better go, I've taken up enough of your time."
"Dr. Hadley..." Cuddy called out, evidently realising there was something wrong, that something about her being friends with a Huntington's sufferer had upset Thirteen. She too got up from her seat, but by the time she reached the door, Thirteen was nowhere to be seen.
Thirteen spent the entire day hiding from Cuddy. She avoided the diagnostics department knowing that was the first place that Cuddy would look and remained well away from the clinic which was just metres from Cuddy's office. Instead she went to the ER, finding it easy to take cover amongst the sick and injured.
The moment her shift ended she hurried up to the locker room to collect her belongings and leave. She didn't want to hang around any longer than necessary, knowing that the longer she stayed the more chance there was of Cuddy catching up with her. She knew that Cuddy had realised there was something wrong with her; Cuddy was no fool after all.
The truth was, Thirteen didn't think she could stand to be anywhere near Cuddy at this precise moment in time. She had psyched herself up to ask her out, only to realise at the last moment that she was making a terrible mistake. Cuddy could never want her; not when she knew from a personal perspective what Huntington's did to people. It destroyed them. Broke them down into tiny little pieces until there was nothing left. Did she want Cuddy to see that happen to her?
No.
Sighing, Thirteen pulled her locker open and hoisted her bag over her shoulder. Certain she could safely make it out of the building, she clicked her locker shut and span around, only to collide with the very woman she had spent the day avoiding.
"I've been looking everywhere for you," Cuddy stated.
"I've been rushed off my feet," Thirteen lied, avoiding eye contact.
Cuddy placed her hands on her hips. "Really?"
"Really," Thirteen said firmly, walking away. Searching for an excuse in her head, any excuse to get away she falsely claimed, "Look I've got to go, I have to be somewhere and..."
"It can wait," Cuddy interrupted, grabbing Thirteen's arm. "What's wrong? I know I upset you earlier and that it's something to do with my being friends with a Huntington's sufferer, but for the life of me I can't understand why that would bother you."
"I'm not upset," Thirteen denied Cuddy's accusation, still facing away from her.
Cuddy sighed. "If you don't tell me what's wrong then I'm going to make you see a therapist. I don't want to have to do that, but if you won't talk to me then I don't have a choice. I can't just walk away from this without doing anything."
Thirteen remained silent, not knowing what to do for the best. Should she be honest? She didn't know, and so she sat down on the bench before her, head in hands, trying not to cry.
Cuddy took a seat beside Thirteen, and continued, "You seemed far more together when I spoke to you earlier. I know that it isn't easy to be going through this but you were making positive choices, focusing on making the most of your life. What happened?"
"You happened!" Thirteen couldn't stop herself from blurting out, wiping away the few tears that had managed to escape her eyes, telling the truth even though she had no idea how it would turn out. "This morning when I came to see you... I was going to ask you on a date." Thirteen glanced at Cuddy to gauge her reaction. Her eyes revealed surprise; but nothing else. No disgust, at least as far as Thirteen could tell. That was something, she supposed.
"But you didn't," Cuddy said slowly. "Did you change your mind?"
"Yes," Thirteen replied. "Because when you told me you were friends with someone who has Huntington's; I realised I couldn't. You know what Huntington's is like. Why would you ever date someone who is going to end up... end up like that?"
Cuddy closed her eyes, finally understanding Thirteen's reaction. "Oh God..."
"I guess it doesn't matter anyway; it's not like you would have said yes," Thirteen smiled sadly at her boss.
"You don't know that," Cuddy said quietly.
Thirteen frowned. "What?"
Cuddy took a deep breath, then backtracked. "No, you're right. I would have said no."
The confirmation hurt more than Thirteen had thought it would. She was nearly a hundred percent sure anyway, but having that tiny piece of hope taken away cut deeper than she had ever thought possible. Cuddy didn't want her.
"But that was then," Cuddy carried on talking. "If you were to ask me now... now I would say yes." She took Thirteen's hand in her own, squeezed it gently.
"Why?" Thirteen was seriously confused. "Why have you changed your mind?"
"Because I wouldn't have believed you really cared. That you were asking me just to... I don't know, tick me off on your list of conquests, so to speak," Cuddy informed her.
Thirteen finally gave a real smile. "You have no idea how close you are to the truth. There's just one thing you got wrong though." She pulled out her list from her bag, handed it to Cuddy.
Cuddy scanned it, still clinging onto Thirteen's hand as she read. "Oh. I see."
"It's my list of things to do before... before... you know. Anyway, in case you haven't noticed, you're the only one on that list," Thirteen said quietly.
Cuddy nodded. "I noticed." She handed the list back to Thirteen, who immediately put it back into her bag. "It doesn't matter to me, you know. The fact that I would say yes knowing what Huntington's does should tell you something. That I don't care about it being a part of you. That regardless, I would still want to date you."
Now it was Thirteen's turn to look shocked. She had never thought about it like that before. "Really?"
Cuddy smiled. "Really."
Thirteen leaned towards Cuddy, intent on kissing her before she changed her mind once again. However, Cuddy pulled back, shaking her head. "You haven't asked me yet."
Thirteen felt her cheeks go red with embarrassment. "Do I really have to?"
"Yes," Cuddy teased, liking the fact that what had been a serious conversation with an employee had now taken on a light-hearted tone, become personal.
"Maybe I don't want to," Thirteen said stubbornly, realising that Cuddy was winding her up. She tried to stand up, but Cuddy pulled her back down, and shifted towards her.
"You're not going to bother? And there was me thinking you would be prepared to do anything to get what you want," Cuddy tried again.
Thirteen rolled her eyes. "I am. But you just like seeing me embarrassed."
"True. But only because it's cute," Cuddy told Thirteen.
"Cute?!" Thirteen exclaimed. "Never thought I'd see the day when you said something like that."
Cuddy smirked, the corners of her mouth quickly turning upwards into a half smile.
Seeing this, Thirteen felt a sudden surge of confidence. Cuddy really was interested in her, at least; her actions suggested so. Once more, Thirteen leant in towards Cuddy, only this time, she held a hand behind Cuddy's head, not allowing her to pull back. Her tongue found its' way into Cuddy's mouth, and nibbling on Cuddy's bottom lip, Thirteen felt her reluctance waning. As soon as she sensed this, Thirteen loosened her hold on Cuddy, and she focused her attention on the kiss, on the heightened senses that were a result of it.
Eventually, Thirteen pulled away, breathless from the lack of oxygen. She didn't want to be more forward than Cuddy was comfortable with. She took note of the other doctor's swollen lips, her flushed cheeks and dilated pupils. It seemed Cuddy did want to date her, after all.
Thirteen finally followed Cuddy's wish and asked her out. "So, Dr. Cuddy... do you still want to date me?"
"Do you really need me to answer that? Yes," Cuddy said, a slight shyness in her voice that Thirteen had not heard before.
Thirteen's eyes lit up, and without hesitation, she pressed a gentle kiss to Cuddy's lips before enveloping her in a hug. Thinking of her list, she realised that she'd just managed to complete the first and hardest task. More importantly; she'd gotten the answer she wanted.
Yes.
