25Author's Note: This chapter not only ends the story with a twist, it wraps up my whole TDI trilogy (including the two M-rated tales). Plus, it has a great ending! I really like it! This chapter is respectfully dedicated to TDI and all their fans. Be sure to check out the movie take-offs. Feel free to submit your own film ideas for TDA.
TDI: Torture Cruise
Chapter Twelve: The Big Finish
"That last part is from the sequel, Total Zombie Island. So...What do you think of TDI: Horror Cruise?" Heather looked up after reading the script. "We can always add more build-up, scenes of us arriving on the cruise ship, the tour of the ship, with ominous signs sprinkled about, that sort of thing, but that's the heart of the movie I propose."
To say her fellow castmates were stunned was an understatement.
"Let me get this straight...You kill most of us in the movie, then bring us back as zombies in the sequel?" an incredulous Gwen asked.
"Actually, Gwen, you're a ghost. And I think Beth is, too. It's the rest that are zombies!" Harold helpfully interjected.
"Whatever!"
"I don't see the problem, Gwen. Considering some of the personalities around here, a zombie would be a step up!" the haughty rich girl retorted. "Would you rather have us sitting around talking for 90 minutes? The audience wants action! This is the film contest for Total Drama Action, isn't it?"
"Yes, Heather, it is the special end of season challenge for TDA open to all 22 former TDI campers. And the winner does get their movie produced!" said Chris the perpetually amused host. "But somehow, I don't think the proper genre for a film version of TDI is torture porn!"
"What? It's not porn!" Heather protested. "It's a horror movie! And horror means bank at the box office! It'll be a big hit!"
"Torture porn...It's a horror movie where various characters are tortured to death, like Saw or Hostel." Harold informed the Queen Bee.
"Whatever, film freak!" the raven-haired one snapped.
"I know who I'd like to see tortured in a movie!" LeShawna vented. "Mm-hmm! I'd pay good money to see that!"
"Heather, the challenge was to come up with a viable concept for a TDI movie, not engage in petty revenge fantasies where your fellow contestants are knocked off!" Courtney bitched.
"TDI has too many people for a movie franchise, so there had to be a...winnowing out process." Heather calmly explained while she buffed her nails.
"Way to eliminate the competition, babe! Who's left on the girls' side? You, Sadie and LeShawna?" Duncan laughed.
"You got a problem with the way I look, gangsta boy?" the proud LeShawna shot back.
It seemed everyone had a problem with Heather's proposed film.
"You turned me into a whore!" an angry Bridgette took exception to her film persona.
"You turned me into a psycho killer!" Beth balked.
"You said Lindsay is a rape victim!" Tyler stood up for his girlfriend.
"You made me gay!" Noah squawked.
"Bi." Cody corrected his TDA castmate.
"Hey! I'm not that, either!" Noah objected.
"Yeahhhhh. Okay. Sure."
"Points for the scarred Justin, though. Definitely an improvement!" Noah zinged the male model, who then glared at the sarcastic know-it-all.
"Now you're a teen spy? What's that all about? Afraid your real life isn't cool enough?" Trent needled the stuck-up rich girl.
"At least you survive, Trent!" Gwen joked.
"Only until the sequel, I'm sure!" Trent replied.
"You could have asked meabout making me your boyfriend in the script!" an annoyed DJ railed. "How am I gonna explain that to my girl back home?"
"It does show Heath in a most sympathetic way, eh?" Ezekiel commented.
"Only 'cause people don't know what she's really like!" LeShawna noted.
"I'm not even in it!" a miffed Chris moaned.
"And you traumatized poor Katie! She'll never go the dentist again!" Sadie said as she comforted the terrified, trembling teen.
"You people need to seriously lighten up! All your complaints are silly! Hello, it's a movie, not real life! The writer merely portrayed things in the most dramatic way! You act as if I gave him a list of things I wanted the film to do, and he wrote it that way! That's just ridiculous! Oh, and Lindsay? That was a great scene we had! The critics will love it!" Heather defended her movie proposal.
"Yeah, a great scene for you!" Lindsay griped. "All I get to do is cry!"
"The writer? You mean you didn't write it?" a puzzled Gwen said.
"I have better things to do with my time than sit in front of a computer for hours!"
"Chris!"
"No rule against it. Sorry."
"Oh, and DJ? The movie-going public expects the lead, which is me, to be in a romantic relationship, and since your girlfriend wasn't seen on the show and you tested well in focus groups, you got the part." Heather casually informed the ribbon-twirling rhythmic gymnast.
"By which you mean people won't accept a sociopath who's unable to have a normal, healthy human relationship as the star of the movie!" Courtney cattily commented.
"I prefer the term 'independent woman'." Heather snootily responded. "It sounds so much worse when you say it!"
"What happens in the sequel? Do the rest of us die?!" a bitter Tyler insincerely asked.
"Don't give her any ideas!" Cody cautioned his fellow survivor.
"Ah, Heather could never pull it off! She's not that good an actress!" Geoff said.
"Hmphh!" Heather snorted.
"Well, I thought Sadie was very Shelley Winters." Harold said, and received blank stares in reply. "From the Poseidon Adventure? The first one? Sighhh." Then Harold brightened. "Hey! It's a horror movie, so it'll probably be rated 'R'! Do you think we'll get to see boo-"
"See what, sugar?" LeShawna, hands on hips, dared her boyfriend to say 'boobies'.
Harold quickly got the message. "Nothing, my chocolate goddess."
"What's the high concept here? As a horror movie, it was kinda like 'The Suite Life On Deck Get Killed!' Noah smirked.
"Hey, I'd pay money to see that!" Duncan chuckled.
"Oh, did you ever see that show? Zach and Cody were so cute when they started out!" an excited Lindsay exclaimed. "Then they got older. Now they're just sad." Lindsay regretted time's cruel march.
"If we did the movie, how much food would I get to eat?" Owen eagerly inquired. "Sometimes they have to shoot a lot of takes, right? Mmmm!" Owen rubbed his belly in anticipation of eating, over and over again, the biggest spread he'd ever seen in his life!
"The title is pretty accurate. Any cruise with Heather would be a horror!" Beth joked, to much appreciative guffaws from her fellow castmates.
"Ooooohhhh! You people are impossible!" Heather fumed as she gave Beth the evil eye. "Didn't anyone like the movie?!"
"E-Scope as a zombie queen! E-Scope like!" Izzy cheered.
"But, Izzy, you're not really the zombie queen! You're possessed by an evil spirit, who kicks your soul out and probably sends it to hell, then steals your body!" Eva attempted to explain the plot to the nutty redhead.
Izzy stared blankly ahead for a moment. Her eyes blinked. Then..."I'm the zombie queen! Woo!" Izzy raved as she joyously pumped her fist.
"Great. The crazy girl likes it. I'm doomed!" Heather whined.
"Chef liked it. Anytime Chef sees you juvenile monsters get what's coming to you, Chef enjoys it! Of course, Chef would have liked it a lot better if Chef was in it!"
"At least you're in the sequel!" Chris bitched. "I don't even get that!"
"Well, Heather's movie is true to life. A reanimated corpse is the only way Chef can get a date!" Duncan said to amused snickers from Geoff, DJ and Owen.
"I heard that, you little criminal!" Chef yelled, and brandished a cooking skillet.
"Oh, like any of you have a better film?" Heather dared the other castmates. "I doubt it!"
"That's what we'll find out!" Chris said. "Moving on..."
"Hey, wait a minute!" Bridgette said after she yanked the script from Heather's hand and scanned the cover page. "This is the same writer who did those disgusting sex stories about us!"
"Oh, hey, it is!" Geoff said upon recognizing the name. "And those were, uh, terrible stories, Bridge! Totally rank!"
"So he's written some risque stories about us? So? This is still good!" Heather dismissed the new complaint.
"You wouldn't say that if you knew what he wrote about you and Gwen!" Duncan teased.
"Me...and Gwen? You mean...me and her...having...?" a very, very shocked Heather gasped. "Aghkk gag!"
"Mm-hmm. You got it!"
"Har-old! You were the one who put me in contact with this guy! You have some explaining to do! Don't you run away from me!"
"So you read the stories, too?" Geoff asked Duncan.
"Nah. Never heard of 'em! But I figured that'd set her off! Ha!"
"Oh. Then you don't know what he wrote about you."
"What? What did he wrote about me?!"
"Easy, dude! I'll whisper it to ya."
"Psst pst."
"No!"
"Yes. And that's not all!"
"Pst psst."
"How could he know I..? I mean, for spreading lies about me, that writer is so dead!" an enraged Dunc clicked open his switchblade knife.
(It's a good thing for me Duncan's parole officer won't let him leave Canada, eh? - Author)
"So the drama!" Chris quipped. "Now let's see what else you over-sugared teens have for us!"
"Me and Geoff have a movie!" Bridgette chirped.
"Yeah! It's called 'Bucking The Waves'!" Geoff added.
"We play a couple who compete in the first ever Pro Tandem Freestyle Surfing Championship!" Bridgette continued.
"I play a bucking bronc rider who gets banned from the sport after taking too many chances." cowboy Geoff said.
"And I play a tandem surfer who needs a partner after my first few have...accidents, and don't want to surf with me anymore." accident-prone Bridge said.
"Together we work out our problems and race to win the championship!" Geoff said with a smile directed at Bridgette.
"At the end, Geoff picks me up when I'm on my surfboard and throws me and my board into the water so Geoff and I can cross the finish line at the same time! It's amazing!" Bridgette said as she looked into the eyes of Geoff.
"No, you're amazing!" Geoff admired.
"You are!" Bridgette returned the compliment.
Then they made out.
"Mmm mwah!"
Nonstop.
"Wow! A romantic comedy with sports, drama and action! I like it!" Chris gave his instant review.
"I wonder if they know they'll have to act like they don't even like each other for most of the movie?" Noah sneered.
"Now now! Don't be such a downer!" Chris said as the hot to trot couple refused to break their liplock and come up for air. "Who's next?"
"Ooh! Ooh! Me!" a hyper Courtney blurted. "I developed a movie treatment...with Duncan. He helped a little bit. I call it 'The Runaway Felon'!"
"Oh, like the Runaway Bride?" Chris asked.
"No! There's no brides in it!" Courtney rejected the errant comment.
"Oh, I get it! It's like The Fugitive! So you're the cop and Duncan's the wanted criminal, right?" Chris speculated.
"No. Duncan's the detective." Courtney pointedly corrected the TV host.
"I've been around a lot of cops! I know how they act." Duncan clarified.
"I see."
"And I'm the felon. The totally innocent, did nothing wrong, trying to clear my name, felon!" the very loud Court bellowed.
"So this is another romcom?" Chris wondered.
"Excuse me?"
"Romantic comedy, genius!" Noah chortled at the ignorance of the film industry constantly displayed by the other castmates.
"As if! This is an action suspense thriller! Duncan! Are you spreading stories about us again?"
"Not me, Princess!"
"I told you not to call me that!"
"Sorry. Oh. Wait. I know a better way to apologize!"
SMA-ACK KISSS
"Duncan!...Mmm, mmmm..."
Courtney's protest was very brief, and soon they were competing with Geoff and Bridgette for winner of the world's longest kiss!
I can see the poster now" 'Her only crime was stealing his heart'." Noah laughed.
"O-kay!" Chris grinned. "Who else?"
"I've got a scifi film!" Harold shouted. "Invasion of the Space Ninjas! I have to save Earth from evil alien martial artists!" Harold yelled as he demonstrated his 'mad moves'. "Kiii-ya! Oh, and LeShawna is the beautiful Queen of Space! It's awesome!"
"Never saw that coming!" Chris snickered. "Any more?"
"Me and Trent had a film." Gwen spoke up. "But we weren't sure how...popular...it would be."
"Gwen plays a street artist who runs into trouble from a mob, who then transform into a pack of rats with beehive hairdos and chase Gwen, and I play the musician whose music saves the day!" Trent gave the unusual synopsis.
"Sorry, I don't think my mind is 'expanded' enough to get that!" Chris waved off the duo's arthouse film.
"Didn't you have an idea for a movie, Noah?" Chris asked.
"Not as such." Noah denied.
"Yes you did! You told us all about it!" Izzy roared.
"It was a concept, but I didn't fully develop it." Noah explained.
"Did did did did did!" Izzy screamed.
"And what would this...concept be?" Chris inquired.
"It was a buddy picture. But not like any buddy picture ever done before! The two leads would actually be intelligent! It's everyone else who would be insane!" Noah elaborated. "Kind of like this show!" he sneered.
"Uh-huh!" Chris retorted. "And who would be your bud-dy?"
"It doesn't really matter now." Noah muttered.
"Noah? Answer the question, dude!"
"Cough -Cody- cough!"
"I can't hearrrr you!"
"Cody!"
Much snickering all around ensued.
"What? No one else put him in their movies! I felt sorry for him! Geez!" Noah justified his queer movie idea.
"DJ?"
"Bunnies!" DJ exclaimed. "Lots and lots of bunnies! Everyone loves bunnies!"
"Man has a point!" Chris conceded. "Zeke?"
"A film? Um, well, you know..." Ezekiel attempted to explain his predicament.
"They don't cover movie-making in home school, eh?" Chris realized.
"I've only seen a few movies in my whole life, and you want me to make one?" the hapless prairie boy howled.
"I have a good one! It's about a superior being with unusual powers who attracts a girl who then enters his world and finds out how different his life is." Justin gave his movie pitch. "I call it 'Spotlight'."
"I see! It's like Twilight!" Chris recognized. "So you play a vampire, eh?"
"Vampire? What are you talking about? It's a documentary about me!" the model with the power to cloud women's minds with his incredible beauty recoiled at the comparison to undead bloodsuckers.
"I'm in it, too! I play the girl!" Katie squealed. "Eeee!"
"Eeee!" Sadie also squealed. "You're going to be so excellent in the movie, Katie! And it's so great me, Beth, Eva, Izzy and Owen appear in it, too, as other people who are attracted to Justin!"
"How special! Ahem! All of those are winning films, I'm sure!" Chris critiqued. "Teen fangirls notwithstanding, we need a project that involves all of the cast, and Heather's 'Horror Cruise' is the only one that does that!"
"I told you losers it was the best one!" Heather stuck her nose in the air and folded her arms.
"I know what we could all do! Our own version of High School Musical!" Lindsay whooped. "That would be so cool!"
"Lindsay, we're not doing HSM!" Heather shot down the blonde's idea.
"But...but..." a demoralized Lindsay muttered.
"Don't worry about it! Heather's film will be fine!" Chris assured the other castmates.
"Wow, Chris! I'm surprised you agree with me!" Heather commented.
"You should be!" Chris smirked.
"What?"
"Nothing."
Later, after filming wrapped on TDI: Horror Cruise, a notice was posted on the studio's bulletin board.
Auditions for TDI's second movie
High School Musical
1 PM sharp in the theater
"What is this?" Heather raged.
"Isn't it great?! We're doing another movie!" Lindsay cheered.
"No, it's not great! Chris! What's going on?" Heather demanded. "Are you delaying Horror Cruise?"
"No. That's still proceeding in post-production and will be released as scheduled. But the producers decided they wanted to do another film, so HSM it is!" Chris merrily explained.
"Why do I get the feeling that's not the whole story?"
"Why, whatever do you mean, Heather?" Chris smiled wickedly.
"Hmmmm."
"This is going to be so much fun! The others have already picked their favorite parts!" Lindsay informed the scheming Asian-Canadian.
"Already? Who's playing Sharpay?" Heather ordered.
"Cornelia."
"Courtney? She couldn't hit a note if her life depended on it! She can barely carry a tune!" Heather criticized.
"I heard that!" Courtney screamed from down the hall.
Heather made a face at the former C.I.T., then continued. "And no one can sing 'Fabulous' like I can! I'm nailing that role!"
"Who's Troy?" Heath asked.
"Trevor. Did you know he can sing AND dance?" Lindsay said with no small measure of amazement. "He's a lot better Troy than Tyrone could ever be! But please don't tell him I said that!"
"So who's Gabriella? You?"
"Well, it doesn't have to be me. Actually, Grace was asked by the other castaways to play Gabriella."
"Gwen? Oh, this I have to see!"
"Have fun, kids! I'll be in the editing room working on Horror Cruise!" Chris said with a grin.
After the auditions...
"I got my part!" Lindsay shrieked in glee.
"Me too!" Heather exuberantly yelped.
"Wheeee!" The two girls jumped for joy and hugged, then hopped up and down some more.
Then Heather realized what she was doing, broke the uncharacteristic embrace and stopped the impromptu display of emotion.
"Ummm..." Heather began.
"Yeah." Lindsay responded.
"That was...weird. Let's never speak of it again!" Heather strongly suggested.
"Okay!" Lindsay smiled.
And smiled.
And smiled some more.
"Why are you smiling like that?!" a visibly ticked Heather demanded.
"Nothing."
"You're still smiling!"
"I know."
"Sighhh." Heather sighed. "So, uh, Lindsay..." Heather sought to change the subject. "What part did you get?"
"Taylor."
"Get out! The smart one?"
"Yep!" Lindsay beamed. "It's called 'acting', Heather!"
"Ha! I'm impressed! You're alright, Lindsay!"
"Now you're doing it!" Linds said with a Cheshire cat grin.
"Doing what?"
"Smiling!"
"I am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am...Oh, I see. Cute, Lindsay. Real cute. But I'm not falling for it!"
"Falling for what?"
"This whole...friendship thing!" Heather said the 'f' word with a shiver. "It never...just forget it! Later!" she snapped and walked away, leaving a disappointed Lindsay behind.
At rehearsal for TDI: HSM, a further surprise...
"I'm sorry, but I can only do this part in an ironic way!" Gwen declared to the director. "I can't play it straight! Gabriella is so...Eww!...Not me!"
"Don't give me that!" the director barked. "She's an emo just like you!"
"Excuse me?"
"And if that or Trent as the lead isn't enough...motivation, remember why we call it acting, little missy!" the director ordered. "Now, again, from the top!"
"Wait...Courtney is the director?" Heather noticed. "What happened to Chris?"
"He's busy finishing the other movie!" Courtney loudly explained. "He needed a replacement and, obviously recognizing my artistic and executive talents, asked me to direct HSM! Who needs a silly singing voice, or performing like a trained seal? Behind the scenes is where the real power is!"
"You are so hot when you power trip!" Duncan lustily complimented the girl of his dreams.
"You, you stop that!" said the flustered Courtney, struggling to control her desire to jump Dunc's bones. "Now get back to work!" she screamed through the director's megaphone. "That scenery won't paint itself!"
After TDI: High School Musical was done (and in record time, too, due to Courtney's Type A tendencies that wouldn't settle for anything less than perfection in the shortest amount of time possible), the castmates prepared for their trip to the premiere of TDI: Horror Cruise at...
"Hold on! Sundance?" Heather cringed. "That's for loser independent films and arthouse crap no one cares about! Chris!"
"Now, Heather, many films have generated great buzz and went on to huge success after premiering at Sundance!" Chris said with a mischievous grin.
"Yeah, right! I bought a whole wardrobe for the south of France in May, so we better be going to Cannes!" the raven-haired Queen Bee insisted. "I have no interest in seeing Utah in January!"
"Don't worry! We're still going to Cannes!" Chris assured his star.
"Hmmm." Heather wondered.
At the Sundance premiere of Horror Cruise, the 22 TDI castmates took their seats in the dark theater while Chris and Chef went to the projection room to run the film.
Then the movie began...
"How does one girl take over a production, kill off her co-stars and try to convince people to like her for it? Find out in TDI: Horror Cruise as Heather Nakamura's narcissistic personality runs rampant!"
"Lindsay! Listen to me!" Heather commanded, speaking through the pane of glass separating the two. "Sharks are attracted to movement. So once you're in the water, go to the side of the pool and stay perfectly still! If they get too close, hit them in the nose or the eyes! I'll be in there right after you to rescue you! Do you understand?"
"Uh huh." Lindsay said through the tears running down her face.
"Ha ha ha ha!" the audience laughed heartily at the dark-haired teen's antics to portray herself as a serious, likable actress.
Heather, mortified, sunk in her chair and yelled "Chris! I'll kill you for this! You hear me? You're dead!"
"I guess Chris didn't like being cut out of the movie, huh?" Gwen chortled.
"Sure looks like it!" Trent merrily agreed, as the sardonic TV host continued his narration of Heather's worst traits, demonstrating them with a severely edited version of Horror Cruise. "He definitely inserted himself into it in the most interesting way! More popcorn?"
After the 'film' was over, the audience cheered and clapped. Heather, extremely embarrassed, slunk out of the theater unseen.
Heath was trying to prevent herself from hyperventilating when Lindsay caught up to her.
"I think the audience liked it!" Lindsay sincerely said.
"Are you kidding me? Chris made a fool out of me in front of everyone!" Heather moaned. "This has to be the worst day of my life!"
Just then, a few theater-goers recognized the film's star and approached.
"Look! It's Heather from the movie!"
"Oh no!" the raven-haired one dreaded.
"Great film!" the young man complimented the stunned teen girl.
"And you're such a good sport for letting yourself be portrayed that way!" a young woman added.
"Yeah! Nobody could be that insane!" a third member of the audience praised Heather's performance. "You must be a great actress!"
"Really? Thanks! Thanks a lot!" Heather brightened and shook the hands of her fans.
"And you're Lindsay!" an appreciative viewer of the flick said. "How did you like making Horror Cruise?"
"It was a lot of fun!" Linds replied. "I had to wrestle a rubber shark for my big death scene! I just wish I had more of an opportunity to wear my bikinis! I have one for each season, you know."
The two girls quickly formed a receiving line to meet and greet fans of the new hit film at Sundance.
Without taking her eyes off of the fans or quit shaking their hands, Heather said "Thanks, Lindsay!"
Lindsay was taken aback for a second, then smiled and replied, without even stopping her meet 'n greet or looking at the supposed 'Queen of Mean', "Sure, Heather! No problem!"
Heather beamed and thought She forgets everyone else's, but Lindsay always remembers my name! Heh...
...But Chris is still dead!
The End
Awww!
Heather starts on the road to redemption
(which is not going to be easy for her, but it's a start).
And Lindsay re-discovers her niceness
(I hated how the first season changed her).
I love happy endings!
Stay tuned after the credits for an important announcement.
End Credits
(Heather dances out and joins the rest of the cast)
Sharpay (Heather): We've arrived because we stuck together
Champions one and all
All: We're all in this together
Once we know
That we are
We're all stars
And we see that
We're all in this together
And it shows
When we stand
Hand in hand
Make our dreams come truuuuue
Wild cats everywhere
Wave your hands up in the air
That's the way we do it
Let's get to it
Come on everyone!
(Everyone dances around)
Cast of TDI: High School Musical
Troy - Trent
Gabriella - Gwen
Sharpay - Heather
Ryan - Noah
Chad - DJ
Taylor - Lindsay
Kelsie - Beth
Jack Bolton (Troy's dad) - Tyler
Ms. Darbus - Eva
Zeke - Ezekiel
Martha - LeShawna
Jason - Justin
Skater dude - Cody
Jock - Geoff
Basketball player - Bridgette
Cheerleader - Katie
(Geoff and Bridgette were also the understudies for Trent and Gwen.)
(Courtney, Duncan, Katie, Sadie, Geoff, Bridgette, Cody, Izzy, Owen and Harold mainly worked behind the scenes, but also portrayed various extras.)
Outtakes
Troy (Trent): Look at me.
Right at me.
Like the first time we sang together.
Gabriella (Gwen): I...mmphh! Ha ha ha! I can't...Trent's got something stuck in his teeth!
CUT!
Sharpay (Heather) runs out onto the gym floor, which is littered with balloons.
Sharpay (Heather): These cookies are genius!
The best things I've ever tasted!
Will you make some more for me, Zeke?
Sharpay runs to Zeke and hugs/tackles him.
Zeke (Ezekiel): Sure, Heath.
I might even make you a creme brulee, eh?"
Sharpay (Heather): What? I may be getting along a little better with you people, but don't push it, prairie boy!
Cut!
Courtney throws down her megaphone in disgust.
Courtney: Amateurs! Why, oh why, can't I work with professionals?!
Courtney notices someone watching video on the computer.
Courtney: What do you think you're doing? This is a closed set!
She rips the crewmember's headphones off, letting everyone hear what he was listening to - Christian Bale's rant on the Terminator: Salvation movie set.
"What the bleep are you doing? Are you professional or not?
Do I bleeping walk around and rip that...No, shut the bleep up, Bruce!
Do I walk...No! No! Don't shut me up!
Am I going to walk around and rip your bleeping lights down? In the middle of a scene?
Then why the bleep are you walking right through? Ah ta da ta dah! Like this in the background?
What the bleep is it with you? What don't you bleeping understand?
You got any bleeping idea about, hey, it's bleeping distracting having somebody walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the bleeping scene?
Give me a bleeping answer!
What don't you get about it?
Oh, good for you! And how was it? I hope it was bleeping good, because it's useless now, isn't it?
Bleep's sake, man, you're amateur!
Courtney: Now that's a professional!
Author: And now, Noah would like to make an announcement.
Noah: Thanks. I would just like to say, I was picked to play Ryan in High School Musical solely due to my singing ability. I am not gay.
Author: Uh, okay. But I would like to add this in no way implies Ryan is gay.
Noah: Are you kidding me? He's totally gay!
Author: You don't know that.
Noah: He's fruitier than the grocery list of the cast of Boylesque!
Author: Noah…
Noah: Gayer than a ball game between Fire Island and Key West!
Author: Noah!
Noah: More homo than…
Author: NOAH!
Noah: …But I'm not. Gay, that is.
Author: Okay. Glad we got that straightened out.
Noah: A pun?
Author: What?
Noah: 'Straightened out'? Ha ha. Not!
Author: Give it a rest, Noah. (Mutters under breath) You total, flaming qu-
Noah: I heard that!
