11A Modest Rampage
By Lord Raa
Disclaim-me-do: It's not rude, it's science.
Part 1
Ritsuko Akagi yawned as she stretched. The fog from the previous night's activities was slowly fading away.
"Where are my smokes?" she asked the unconscious body next to her.
When the bottle blonde failed to receive an answer, she prepared a wake-up kick to the comatose person next to her. As she prepared to launch a vicious boot to the backside of her assistant, she realised something. "Lab coat!"
"Ugh? Sempai? Is that you? What happened last night?" Maya asked in a hoarse tone.
"Nothing much, though I think I'm still a LITTLE bit drunk from that… what were we drinking again?" Ritsuko asked with a goofy grin on her face. She belched loudly. "Ooh, excuse me! Ah, damn it, that's brought up a nasty taste. Like something Misato cooked."
"You're so silly when you're drunk, Sempai," the young lieutenant smiled. "Ow, my head!"
"Don't worry about that, Maya! Now, where was I? Ah yes, there was that robot that I was working on…"
The faux blonde scanned the laptop to her right. The LCD screen read 'Programming upload complete.' She looked at the open disk drive with a look of morbid curiosity on her face. "Knights of the Old Republic? What's this doing here?"
Ritsuko's fingers started to fly across the computer's keyboard to determine what damage had been done during her department's inebriation.
"Sempai?" Maya asked as she sipped a glass of water. "Is something the matter?"
"It doesn't look like anything's gone wrong, only that we may have accidentally loaded a game into the new robot's memory core as part of its AI. We won't know until I can get the MAGI to run a simulation," the smoking woman answered. "I'm going to jump in the shower and grab something to eat before we test this thing."
Shinji was a little surprised to hear that he had to go into NERV to see about a special project. It wasn't like he was expecting anything nice to happen to him, but orders were orders.
Even if Misato was grinning like a Cheshire cat when she gave them. His guardian was claiming that she didn't have to go in until later and quickly went back to bed.
His journey to NERV HQ was as uneventful as he could have hoped for, with the trains running with their usual efficiency. He slowly walked to the labs, a sense of dread growing inside his stomach as he approached his destination with all the joy of a condemned man.
"Shinji-kun," Maya Ibuki smiled. "Please come this way, but keep it down, Sempai's got a bit of a headache at the moment."
"Ok," the pilot replied softly, his experiences with Misato having given him ample understanding of those who were feeling delicate.
Walking in behind the lieutenant, Shinji was led to a hangar with a sheet covered item in the middle of it.
"Hello, Dr. Akagi," the young Ikari greeted in a softer tone than usual.
"Hi, Shinji-kun. The reason I brought you here was because we're concerned about your safety. You see, it took three days for Section Two to find you when you last went AWOL."
Shinji blushed and looked away at that comment.
"While we know that you will need time off from NERV, we're concerned that you might fall foul of some unsavoury characters and since self-defence isn't really an option, we've gotten you a protector," the scientist smiled as she removed the white sheet to reveal a gold coloured robot.
"This is the Independently-operating Bipedal Robotic Construct, revision 15; or IBRC-15. It's an artificially intelligent machine that's been programmed to follow you around and keep you safe."
Shinji's eyes widened as he took in the sight of what he thought was an old and imaginary friend. "H-h-h-h-hK-47 is that you?"
The 1.8 metre tall robot lifted its head. "Query: Who is the young meatbag?"
"I-I-I'm Shinji Ikari," the pilot said nervously at the mechanoid.
"Correction: My designation is IBRC-15. Statement: You are my new master. Will violence be needed today?" IBRC-15 asked with hopeful voice.
"However," Ritsuko said with a wince, "it might have a few personality quirks that we've not had a chance to work out yet. After all, we only just brought it online today."
"Hi, IBRC-15, I'm Shinji Ikari, I'm sorry for the mix up, it's just that you look a lot like something from my childhood," the young Ikari apologised.
"Query: Why is my master unhappy? Is there someone he needs me to remove from the gene-pool?" the droid asked glee in its mechanical voice. "I can use extreme prejudice if there is someone you want to see suffer, Master."
"I don't think that's necessary, IBRC-15," Shinji replied nervously.
"Statement: Maybe not right now. Advice: One should never discount the use of lethal force to solve problems. Query: Where can I acquire firepower to fulfil my mission?" IBRC-15 asked, its optical sensors scanning the room.
"We'll get you something later," Ritsuko replied. 'Mental note, reprogram this thing ASAP!'
"How is it powered, Sempai? Will Shinji-kun have to keep it plugged into the mains?" Maya asked, having recovered from her earlier queasiness.
"Statement: I am designed for independent operations and have been equipped with a miniature S² engine to maintain functionality. However, should I require maintenance on my power systems; I can draw energy from the standard domestic supply."
"Are you sure that's safe, Sempai?" the young lieutenant asked hesitantly.
"Yes, you see, we programmed Asimov's Three La-… oh tits!" the faux blonde cursed loudly having glanced at a nearby computer display. "It seems that we may have messed up, Maya."
"What do you mean 'we', Sempai? I recall that it was you who put the disc in to upload the programming," Maya retorted angrily, but soon regretted it when the wave of nausea hit her.
"What went wrong, Dr. Akagi?" Shinji asked, that sense of dread growing inside him again.
"We may have forgotten to program in the rules that prevent IBRC-15 from killing people," Ritsuko said apologetically.
"Opinion: I fail to see the problem," the mechanical man added. "My program states that I should not kill Shinji Ikari, pilot of the Evangelion designated Unit-01, nor should I allow others to terminate him."
There was an awkward pause.
"D-doctor Akagi?" Shinji asked as he slowly edged towards the door. "I'm scared."
"Reassurance: Do not worry, Master, I will not deliberately use you as a shield."
"…that doesn't exactly put me at ease…" the pilot muttered. "You don't have to worry about me, Robot-san; I don't need a bodyguard of your… skill."
IBRC-15 would have smiled if it could. "Statement: You are one of the more important meatbags in Tokyo-3: you require a protector willing to use excessive force as a deterrent."
"D-d-deterrent?" Shinji asked, still backing away slowly from the obviously psychotic robot.
"Yes. If the meatbags see that they will be slaughtered for trying to harm my master, then there is a good chance that they will reconsider. It is a variation on the 'Least harm' theory. Opinion: Use of Least Harm theory in this situation is a complete waste of time," the mechanoid added.
"Wait! If it's a complete waste of time, why did you suggest it?" Maya asked, confusion written on her face.
"Because the psychological profile supplied for my master mentions that he does not like to see others suffer. My programming dictates that I should at least try to satisfy my master's wishes, even if the concept of pacifism seems so wrong to me," IBRC-15 answered. "Statement: We have wasted enough time discussing this situation; it is time for me to find some weapons. Ranged combat is the best solution – there is less chance of becoming contaminated by the debris of your targets."
"'Contaminated by debris'?" Ritsuko repeated incredulously.
"Demand: Enough of this discussion, we are causing distress to my master," the robot ordered. "Master, I will escort you home via the armoury. Do not worry; we will get you some heavy-duty body armour."
"O-ok," the young Ikari agreed hesitantly. He flinched when the droid placed a hand on his shoulder. "Please don't hurt me."
"Statement: Hurting my master would not prove as amusing as causing massive amounts of damage to career criminals," IBRC-15 said with a tone of honesty its synthesised voice. The robot raised his head as if in thought. "My wireless data access has revealed something interesting. Perhaps I could inflict some bodily harm to one Gendo Ikari?"
"The Commander? Why would you want to hurt him?" Ritsuko asked reaching for her cigarettes.
"Answer: He has a stupid beard," the mechanoid answered.
"That's no reason to kill a man!" Maya protested.
"Statement: It is not a reason to allow him to live, either. Query: What did you mean when you said 'I'm sorry for the mix up, it's just that you look a lot like something from my childhood'?" IBRC-15 asked using a recording of Shinji's own voice.
"I had a robot friend when I was a kid. He looked just like you and said that he'd kill any monsters that threatened me," Shinji replied. "He also told me to never tell people about him, or he'd have to go away forever. The last time I saw him was just before my 8th birthday. Just disappeared and I thought that I was just an imaginary friend that kids have."
"Statement: Your story contains anecdotal evidence that I am your childhood fiend, yet this cannot be true as I was only just recently activated. Conclusion: It is merely a coincidence until conclusive evidence to the contrary is provided." The droid paused for a moment. "Observation: It is a suitable timeframe for meatbags to ingest food. I will escort my master to the dining area."
Shinji suddenly found himself being marched towards the NERV cafeteria by a mechanical man that he had little doubt would be the death of him.
Misato Katsuragi had heard about that Shinji was in the cafeteria and made her way there to see the young man that looked after her and her apartment.
What the tactical officer didn't expect to see was a gold coloured robot sitting next to Shinji while he ate. Nor did she expect to hear the droid's comment of: "Query: Who is the purple haired meatbag that is approaching us? Is she a viable target?"
"What is this, some kind of prank from Ritsuko?" the captain demanded.
"Introduction: I am IBRC-15, Shinji Ikari's bodyguard and servant. Query: Who are you and want do you want?"
"I'm Misato Katsuragi; I'm Shinji's superior officer. I want to know what's going on here," the purple haired beauty replied, her hand snaking towards her sidearm.
"Statement: I am waiting for the order from my master to kill someone," IBRC-15 said in an annoyed tone.
Misato didn't like that and pulled out her pistol and chambered a round. As she brought it to bear on the mechanoid, she flicked the safety catch off.
"Observation: SIG P228, 9mm Parabellum round with a magazine capacity of twelve rounds. Query: Is your weapon loaded with jacketed hollow points? Opinion: If it is, you will have great difficulty causing me sufficient damage to incapacitate me before I remove your spinal column," the mechanical man said as it advanced on the armed woman.
"This has gone on for long enough, so whoever's pulling this prank better confess now before someone gets shot," Katsuragi warned as she cocked the hammer back to show her intent.
"Misato, this isn't a joke! Ritsuko built IBRC-15 to protect me," Shinji insisted. "It's just that someone made a slight mist-"
IBRC-15 turned to glare at the pilot.
"Miscalculation and he's a bit too enthusiastic when it comes to dealing with threats to me," the young Ikari said rather quickly. "Please don't hurt Misato-san."
The bloodthirsty droid turned back to Misato and stepped closer to her. "Query: Are you sure, Master? Is this meatbag special to you?"
"Misato-san's my friend! She was kind enough to let me move in with her," the pilot explained, having leapt between the two.
"Conclusion: You are 'shacking up' with this female meatbag. Statement: Cursory research indicates that she could be considered attractive amongst you humanoids," IBRC-15 said. "Negotiation Tactic: I require weapons to do my duty; preferably anti-material rifles with a high rate of fire. I will put Meatbag Katsuragi in the classification as you, Master – do not kill and try to avoid maiming – if I can get some firepower."
"…" Misato blinked. "This is some kind of joke, isn't it? I mean tell me now, and I won't be angry. But if you continue this farce, I will cause all involved much pain and suffering."
"Query: Is Meatbag Katsuragi trying to seduce me?" the mechanoid asked, its head tilted to the right. "Exclamation: Eww! I do not engage in such filthy activities as sexual intercourse with meatbags. Query: Is there a more disgusting recreational activity than shooting DNA at each other? Advice: Do not suggest such things again if you want to remain in possession of all of your body parts."
Ritsuko rushed into the cafeteria, hoping that her latest project wasn't instigating a bloodbath.
"Misato! Don't shoot the robot!"
"What? Why not?" asked the increasingly irate captain.
"Because it's the only one of those that we've got and it's worth a fortune!" the bottle blonde replied as she struggled to get her breath from the unexpected exercise.
"So you're responsible for this thing?" Misato asked, venom dripping from her words.
"Yes, but it's to protect Shinji-kun!" the scientist insisted. "Besides, any flaws in the behavioural software are your fault for insisting that we had a party last night."
"… You have got to be shitting me, Ritsuko! You can't blame me for this thing plotting a murderous rampage!"
"Statement: I was not plotting a murderous rampage. Though I am now."
All eyes in the room turned towards IBRC-15.
"Query: What?"
"I think that you're making people a little bit uncomfortable, IBRC-15," Shinji explained with a sweat-drop.
"Statement: The comfort of the other meatbags is irrelevant, Master," the robot replied. "Query: Where can I find more information about your childhood friend, Master?"
"Err, it's kind of embarrassing," the pilot said evasively.
"Master, I will keep anything secret that you want me to. Even if I have to make the streets run red with the blood of your enemies," the mechanical man said with an unhealthy amount of enthusiasm. "Request: Please, Master, allow me to slaughter your enemies in a pre-emptive strike."
The ambient noise in the cafeteria dropped to nothing.
"I don't think that will be necessary, IBRC-15. I mean, people around here are pretty good at keeping things private," Shinji insisted. "Isn't that right, Misato-san?"
"Yes," the purple haired woman nodded, not taking her eyes off the suspicious droid. "Besides, Shinji-kun doesn't have any enemies."
"Statement: What a gyp. I feel somewhat redundant."
"You know, it's not a bad thing that you don't have to kill people," Ritsuko replied.
"Aside: Maybe not for you."
"…"
"Query: When will my master commence his next training session?" the robot asked. "I believe that he needs to be at peak preparedness for his role as pilot of Evangelion Unit-01."
"That's true," the bottle blonde agreed. "I suppose that we could have a sync test this afternoon. I don't think we've tested you so soon after a meal, so it'll be a good variable to consider, since we don't know when we're going to have to send you into battle."
To be continued…
This may seem like déjà vu all over again, but I've got more content that may or may not amuse you all.
Pre-read by Chi Vayne and may have been previewed on various intertubes.
