8By: E. Rommel
Author's note: OK, I was depressed and bored when I wrote this, so you have been warned.
X
"You must go, Shinji-kun." Misato said, making a gesture with her hand. Her words were barely a whisper. "You must go."
Shinji did not move. He just stood there staring blankly at the empty space before him. He tried not to look at her.
"They will kill you. You must go." Misato said. Her voice was breaking down. She looked up at Shinji. The boy appeared confused, as if in a trance. His eyes were dull, hopeless, uninterested. Misato tried to say something else, but her mouth filled with blood. It was then that Misato knew she was dying.
Where had the bullet hit her? She wondered. How long did she had left before the cold lead ripped the life from her body? How long did she have to live? How long would she be able to comfort him? It would be over soon, Misato knew. Everything would be over: the pain, the suffering, and the hatred. She was going to die like she had lived: for someone else.
"Why...why...are they doing this?" The boy hesitated. The realization of what was happening finally began to sink in. "Why are they attacking us?"
"They hate us." Misato said, swallowing hard on her own blood so that she could make her voice as even as possible. She choked, but managed to conceal it. "They...fear what they can't control."
Misato Katsuragi pulled herself to her feet, resting her body against the wall and using it for support. She reached under her shirt with a hand and searched for the wound the bullet had ripped in her flank. Shinji Ikari could see the pain in her face. Misato was suffering, and he knew it, but again, like when Kaji had left her his last words in the answering machine, he did nothing to comfort her.
Misato's knees buckled. Her body convulsed and blood began running from the corner of her mouth. Misato wiped it away with the back of her hand. It was then that Shinji realized just how badly she was hurt.
"You are important. I don't matter."
Shinji shook his head desperately. Why was this happening? Why were they being attacked? Shinji could not understand. The men in the hallway had said that it was nothing personal, just before Misato shot them...with smile on her face. Had she enjoyed killing them, Shinji wondered? Was she happy to take a life?
"You must go. Get to your Eva. It's the safest place." Somehow Misato managed to step forward and locked eyes with Shinji. The boy could sense the life disappearing from those very same eyes, which had seemed so naïve and cheerful when he first saw them.
Shinji remained silent. He looked briefly at Misato, but could not bear the sight of her like this and turned away. Misato noticed this and felt compelled to say something, but no good words came to mind. What could she say?
Misato scanned the hallway and quickly realized where they were. She noticed the elevator entrance behind Shinji and remembered that it led to Unit 01's containment cage. It should be secure, Misato told herself, all the passageways are flooded with backelite, all the locks are sealed and no one could get to Eva 01, but by using this single elevator. She had to get Shinji to the Eva. He would be safe then.
"Shinji..." Misato began, but as soon as those words left her lips, she felt nausea. Her knees buckled and she began falling. Somehow she reached out and grabbed the mesh grid, which served as protection to the elevator door, and managed to pull herself back up to be on eye level with Shinji. She swallowed hard to choke down her blood before continuing. "...Go to your Eva. You'll be safe there."
"I can't go. What for? Life is not worth living." Shinji said as he closed his eyes. Why should he run now? They had always told him to fend for himself, so stand his ground. He still remembered the words his father gave him on the anniversary of his mother's death.
'A man must learn to walk on his own two feet. To life for himself.'
"Please, don't be silly it's always worth living." Misato said. "You must go."
"I don't want to live." Shinji shook his head again. "I don't want to suffer anymore."
Misato leaned closer, so close, in fact, that Shinji could feel her breathing coming in huge gasps of air, desperately clinging to life. He could smell the blood too. He opened his eyes and realized that Misato's face was only inches away from his, their noses almost touched. She locked eyes with him and Shinji could feel her peering right through his soul. She was pale, and Shinji could not believe that this was the same person he had known to be an outspoken, cheerful girl. This seemed like nothing more than a remote thought, now, a phantom memory of an age long gone.
"Shinji-kun..." Misato whispered in a barely audible voice. "...Life is pain, but it's that very same thing which lets you know you're alive. If there is no pain, there is no life, either. Pain can be overcome, not by locking it all inside, but by sharing it with others. Pain goes away with time and the compassion of others. I goes way with love and caring, and friendship, but life endures."
"Misato-san..." Shinji began, but Misato cut him short. "
"Life is a gift, Shinji-kun." Misato reached out with a hand and rubbed it gently against Shinji's cheek, brushing away the tears that had, slowly, begun to flow. Shinji pulled way from her touch, and shook his head, much to Misato's dismay.
"Why do you fear the touch of others?"
Shinji closed his eyes and tried not to think of the answer to that question. He wanted to avoid that thought, to pretend it was something he shouldn't know. But he did know, all too well. He wanted to avoid the touch of others, because it was a painful remainder that every time he got close to someone he was hurt, because life was pain and pain was all he had left.
"Misato-san, I can't answer that question." Shinji said, finally. "I just can't."
"Why?" Again Misato reached out with a hand and touched Shinji's face. "Maybe because if you find that answer you might also find the reason for which you desire to forfeit life?"
"Misato, please, I just can't." Shinji said. This time, he did not pull away from Misato.
"You must understand what being alive means, Shinji-kun."
"No. How can I understand? I am just a boy, just a kid." Shinji said. His eyes were wide, now, and filled with something that Misato could only describe as desperation. She knew he wanted to understand, just as she also knew that he was not 'jus a kid'.
It was then that Misato took Shinji's head with both her hands and held firmly, as if it would somehow help her escape the grip of death, as if it were the last thing in the world she would ever do, for, in many levels, she knew it was. He was not a boy anymore. He had grown up into a man, but he was not aware of it yet.
Misato held her breath and kissed him on the lips, the same way she used to kiss Kaji. It felt strange, because she had always considered Shinji as a son. Shinji's eyes shot wide open as soon as Misato's lips came into contact with his. He ignored what to do. Misato held him firmly and, to her surprise, he did not try to pull away. Misato did not break the kiss until she began to feel faint. She pulled away slowly and smiled weakly. She had to save him, even if it was the last thing she would ever do. She would save 'one' life: his.
"You are a grown-up now, Shinji." Misato said. She reached behind him and smashed the elevator's 'open' button with her fist. The safety grid opened, followed suit by the thick metal doors.
Misato reached for her cross and tore it from its perpetual place around her neck. It was all she could do for Shinji. She stared at the cross for a second, before shoving it into Shinji's hand. She said nothing. Words were simply not necessary. Shinji hesitated before gripping the cross in his hands.
"Misato-san..."
"We'll continue this conversation the next time we meet." Misato said, and with that she pushed Shinji to the elevator. Shinji stumbled backwards, but he did not fell. He could not saw anything before Misato locked the door.
As soon as the door closed between her and Shinji, Misato felt as if all the strength she had managed to muster disappeared. She collapsed and waited for the darkness to envelop her. She could feel the life escaping, the blood rushing out her body and forming a puddle on the floor. She would die as she had lived: for someone else. But it was worth it. One life certainly was worth it.
It took Shinji a few seconds to realize what had just happened, and when he did he felt a void deep inside of him. He shook his head and noticed that there was something warm in his mouth. He spit it out and wiped the last drops of the strange substance with the back of his hand. It was then that he remembered the cross in his hand, and as he looked down at it, he realized what the substance in her mouth had been.
Misato's blood, he thought. His mouth was full with Misato's blood!
The tears began to flow uncontrollably, as the realization finally dawned on him. 'We'll continue this conversation the next time we meet,' Misato had told him, but now he knew that there would be no 'next time.'
Shinji held Misato's cross close to his heart. It was all he had left from her, and felt guilty that had not been able to say good-bye.
The end.
