The Secret Diary of Cameron Baum

TUESDAY

I turn off the shower faucet and use both hands to wring the last droplets of water from my hair. Down near my ankles Snowy shakes his body from side to side to achieve much the same goal.

I slide back the shower curtain, step out of the tub and wrap my hair in a towel turban. Then I pick Snowy up and carry him downstairs to the patio doors.

"Go outside and sit in the sun until your fur drys," I instruct. "Don't go rolling in the dirt."

Snowy crosses to the pool apron where he will sun himself until he gets hungry. So, about five minutes tops.

-0-

I wander back through the house to the kitchen where Daniel is preparing a fresh batch of coffee.

"Good morning, Daniel.

"Morning, Cam-Whoa, you're naked!"

"I was in the shower."

"You don't put on a robe?"

"My robe's in the washer. It's covered in dog hair."

"What about a towel?"

"It's on my head." Honestly, he seems particularly slow today.

As Daniel fixes the coffee he spills some granules and I note his hands trembling.

"Your hands are shaking. Have you seen a doctor? You might have a serious medical condition."

"The only serious medical condition I've got is standing two feet from a naked woman."

That's a thing? Who knew.

John enters the kitchen. "Hey, guys. Is that coffee? Make one for me, will you."

"I'm not staring at her boobs, I swear!"

"Didn't think you were. I do now."

"My robe is in the washer," I explain.

"Snowy's dog hair? Yeah, he's moulting like crazy. Maybe we should run the vacuum cleaner over him."

"Mia already tried that. His wiener got trapped in the nozzle."

"Ouch! That's gotta sting."

"He was somewhat perturbed."

The men drink their coffee at the table while I stand at the counter making Snowy's next meal.

"Why's your hand shaking?"

"Because your girlfriend's bare butt is literally inches from my face. What do you expect."

John peels off his top sweater and hands it to me. I slip it on. It's still warm and smells of his cologne.

"Better, now?"

"Much. Myself and my future cardiologist thank you."

"Just got an email from Jennifer MacKenzie. She's works at Paramount Pictures, a secretary to some producer."

"Good for her."

"And she moved to Burbank."

"Burbank? " I say.

"Yeah. The commute from Malibu was too tough."

This is not good news. Burbank is nearer to us than Malibu. Jennifer MacKenzie is blonde and attractive. And has bigger boobs. Plus John already described her as pretty. This is not good news at all.

"That's just peachy!" I lie.

"Is she still writing that movie script about terminators?"

"Said she's finished the first draft. Thinks it might work better as a TV show. She's renamed it 'Terminator: The James Carter Chronicles.'"

"Who's James Carter?"

"The name of the character based on me."

"Gee, a TV show. I wonder who'll play me?"

"It depends if Danny DeVito's free."

"Oh hardy har har."

"Wonder who'll play Cameron."

"Kelly Brook," I announce confidently.

Both men laugh.

"Why is this funny?"

"Because Kelly Brook has enormous-"

"-issues as an actress," John hastily interjects. "You need someone with more - uh - experience."

"How about Margot Robbie? She's hot." Daniel suggests.

"She's a movie star. She'll never do TV."

"Emma Roberts?"

"Too bony. Seems like she'd snap in half in a stiff breeze."

"Got it. The Fanning sisters."

"Which one?"

"Beats me. I can never remember which is which."

"Who'd play mom? And don't say that actress in Game of Thrones."

"Dude, she's a ringer!"

"I don't see it myself."

As if on cue, Sarah Connor appears in the doorway. She's frowning which is never a good sign.

"Which one of you was in the bathroom last?"

"That'd be Cameron."

"There's dog hair all over the shower curtain. Go and clean it. And stop taking the dog in the shower. That's what hosepipes are for."

When she's gone Daniel says, "Know who'd be a good fit for your mom?"

"Cruela De Vil?"

"Nailed it."

THURSDAY

I return to the safe house after driving Mia to school and confront a horrifying scene, far worse than any Skynet atrocity.

Jennifer MacKenzie is in the kitchen chatting to John.

"Oh hey, you're back. Great. Jennifer, you remember Cameron, don't you?"

"Of course. Lovely to see you again."

"Likewise," I lie.

"Cameron's just driven Mia to school."

"Oh, so sad I missed her. Mason thinks she's adorable with her little dog and everything."

"I think she has a bit of a crush on your brother."

"Tell her to join the queue! Girls have been swooning over Mason since high school. And the big lug barely notices. All he wants to do is lift weights and shoot guns."

"Shooting guns can be fun. Especially at the right target," I add pointedly.

"Would you like some coffee, Jennifer?"

"Please. Black. Two sugars."

"Cameron, could you make us some coffee."

Make the coffee? What am I - Dobby the house elf?

"So how have you been? You had a pretty traumatic experience."

"Okay, I guess. I have these bad dreams where I'm still chained to that damn wall."

"If you keep having them you might need help. It could be PTSD."

"What is PTSD?" I ask.

"Post traumatic stress disorder."

What trauma? So she was kidnapped by a terminator, chained to a wall and was likely earmarked for a hideous death. So what? Walk it off.

"So you're living in Burbank now?"

"Yeah. The commute from Malibu was insane. I have a condo in Burbank. You two must totally come over when I've finished decorating."

"Sounds great."

"Super duper," I lie.

"Of course, I miss Mee-Mee."

"Mee-Mee?"

"What I called my miata. It was a graduation gift from my folks."

She named her automobile Mee-Mee? How utterly twee-twee.

I place the coffee cups on the table with a little more force than is necessary. John frowns but says nothing. Jennifer is too busy running her fingers through her hair to notice. She's wearing a pale blue linen dress, cut high enough to display her legs and low enough to show cleavage. I suppose this must be what passes for fashion in skankville.

"How's the script writing going?"

"Good. We're about to start pitch meetings with the studios. Did I tell you it's called Terminator: The James Carter Chronicles?"

"You mentioned it in your email."

"The James Carter character is based on you. And don't worry, I'll make sure they cast a hunk to do you justice."

"What's my character's name?" I ask.

"Well, originally you were going to be asian."

"Do I look asian?"

"My agent thought the script needed more diversity. It's kind of the buzzword these days. Can you believe little Kenzie from Ohio has a Hollywood agent?"

"Kenzie?"

"It's a childhood pet name. Mason is Mac and I'm Kenzie. Dumb, I know."

"It's cute. I like it."

It's stupid. I hate it.

" So what's my character's name?" I persist.

"Abigail Flint."

Abigail Flint? Abigail? I sound like a character from Downtown Abbey. Have you seen Lady Abigail, Carson? Yes, my lord, she's in the drawing room fighting cyborgs.

"I wanted to ask you, Mason said the cyborgs arrive naked when they time travel. Is that right?"

"Yeah."

"That could be a problem if it's a network show. Of course, if it's cable then anything goes."

"Even male nudity?"

"Let's hope so!"

As Jennifer laughs she reaches across and pats John's knee. Is she flirting with him? I think she's flirting with him.

"So you guys saw an actual time machine?"

"And not a DeLorean in sight."

"So time travel's real? Does the government know?"

"Parts of it, yeah, I think so."

"What about the president?"

"Let's see...you read any recent tweets about time-traveling cyborgs from the future?"

"So Deep State is keeping secrets from the prez. Awesome."

"I think you mean disturbing and undemocratic."

"Makes you wonder how many conspiracy theories are actually true."

"Maybe Elvis and Sasquatch are whooping it up in Atlantis as we speak."

Again, Jennifer MacKenzie leans forward as she laughs. Doesn't she know John can see right down her top when she does this? She must be stupid to think he wants to look down there.

"Did you really have to blow it up? The time machine. I know they were bad hombres and all, but just think of the good you could do."

"What good?"

"Okay, well, you could go back in time and kill Hitler for one thing."

"Plenty tried that. He was pretty well guarded."

"Not if you go back to the eighteen-hundreds. Find him as a child."

"You'd kill a child?"

"Well, yeah, he was directly responsible for the deaths of millions."

"Except in that timeline only you would have that knowledge. And if you were caught no one would believe you. You'd be judged insane and probably executed for infanticide. And it might not work out like you think," John adds warming to the theme. "The First World war would still happen. The Depression. The rise of fascism and communism. Maybe all you do is postpone the war into the nuclear age and even more people perish than before."

Jennifer goes quiet, her blonde perkiness no match for this harsh reality check. "I guess I hadn't thought about it that much."

"Don't sweat it. I've lived with it my whole life. There are no easy solutions when it comes to time travel, trust me."

She checks her watch. "I've got to run. Thanks so much for the coffee. You're about the only people I can talk to about what happened. My folks don't know. And Mason's away with the army most of the time. I think I'd go crazy otherwise."

"Any time. Right, Cam?"

"You betcha," I lie. Honestly, if I was Pinnochio my nose would be out the door.

Suddenly Jennifer MacKenzie grabs me in a bear hug. I can feel her boobs pressing against mine. "Know what, Cameron, I've got a feeling you and I are going to be the best of besties."

There are literally no words...

-0-

We tidy up the kitchen, placing the coffee mugs in the sink. Although she has been absent for ten minutes Jennifer McKenzie's scent still lingers. Tonight I will be sure and swab the place down with bleach.

"Wasn't she nice?" John says appros nothing.

"Who?"

"You know perfectly well who. Jennifer. And did you see the dress she was wearing? You know, it wouldn't hurt for you to wear something pretty once in a while."

-CRACK-

"I'm sorry, I appear to have accidentally snapped the kitchen table in half."

FRIDAY

Daniel is being stubborn.

"Let me get this straight, you want me to call Jennifer MacKenzie, the woman we rescued, and ask her out on a date?"

"Yes."

"I barely know her."

"What's to know? You're a boy. She's a girl. Hook up and do it like bunnies."

"I spoke to her for maybe five minutes. I don't even remember what we said."

"You like boobs, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"She has boobs. You like legs, don't you?"

"Sure."

"She has legs. You like butts, don't you?"

"Cameron, everyone has a butt."

"See? You have so much in common."

"I don't know. I'm pretty sure she thinks my name's Nathaniel."

"Why does does she think that?"

"I guess she misheard me. It was a hectic time."

"Why didn't you correct her?"

"I don't know. Didn't seem that important. It's not like I ever figured I'd see her again."

Me neither...

"You should totally call her. Pretend to be Nathaniel if you wish."

"Yeah? You think I could pull Nathaniel off? He sounds like a preppy goy."

"You could be her goy-toy."

"This is super creepy. It sounds like you're pimping me out. And it's John who spent all the time with her. They seemed to hit it off...Wait a second, that's it! You're worried she'll put the moves on your boyfriend!"

"Not at all," I lie.

"And if I'm the one scratching that itch then she won't look anywhere else."

I am so busted!

"Listen, I get it. I do. I was pretty bummed when Jennifer Lawrence got hitched."

"You thought you had a shot with Jennifer Lawrence?"

"Hey, it could've happened. You never know. A chance encounter. Eyes meet across a crowded bar. Music plays. I watch the Hallmark Channel. I'm a romantic."

"Is it romantic to keep nude photos of her on your computer in a folder mislabeled tax returns?"

"That's personal stuff! Not cool, Cameron."

"So will you seduce her for me?"

"No, it's too weird. Find yourself another gigolo for hire."

Damn. That leaves Snowy as my last potential romeo.

I hope Jennifer MacKenzie likes doggie style.

-0-