5The One with the Frozen Heads
A Friends Fanfic
by Pjazz
2007
This episode is set sometime in season 7-8. Chandler and Monica are together. But Rachel hasn't had her baby and Phoebe hasn't met Mike.
INT. CENTRAL PERK.
CHANDLER, MONICA AND PHOEBE SEATED.
MONICA
I'm getting a Latte. Anyone want anything?
CHANDLER
I'm good, hon.
PHOEBE
Double mocha, please - oh, and scones with fresh cream. And wild strawberries. With tarragon. And exotic spices.
MONICA
You're paying for yours.
PHOEBE
Then nothing.
MONICA GOES UP TO THE COUNTER, PLACES THE ORDER.
JENNA PULASKI, A WELL-DRESSED OVERWEIGHT WOMAN, EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE -
JENNA
Monica? Monica Geller?
MONICA
Yes? Omigod! Jenna Pulaski! It's been, what - 15 years?
JENNA
Too long. My, you've lost weight. A lot of weight. And you look great.
MONICA
You too. You've...changed your hairstyle. It looks great.
JENNA
So, what are doing now?
MONICA
Well, I'm married. This is my husband, Chandler. My friend Phoebe.
JENNA
Hi.
CHANDLER/PHOEBE
Hi.
MONICA
Come sit with us.
JENNA
Thank you.
MONICA
Jenna and I were friends back in high school. They called us the 'Queens of Home Eck'. So, are you married?
JENNA
Yes I am. To a Frenchman.
PHOEBE
OOh, so you're a French madam, only without the prostitutes.
JENNA
Not quite.
CHANDLER
You have prostitutes?
JENNA
My husband's a Count. So technically I'm not a madam I'm a Countess.
PHOEBE
Oh this a is an honour, your Royal highness.
JENNA
You don't have to call me your Royal highness. Your majesty will do. (BEAT) I'm kidding.
MONICA
(LAUGHS TOO LOUDLY) Oh ha ha ha ha! You're such a kidder!
PHOEBE
Still, a Countess. Ooh, do you have your own slaves? Who you order about and if they mess up you thrash them with whips?
JENNA
No. We had to let them go. European Working Directive.
PHOEBE
Damn those beaureacrats. They ruin it for everyone.
JENNA
So what are you doing these days, Monica? Apart from not eating. And looking gorgeous.
MONICA
Well, I'm head chef at a restaurant, Alessandro's, here in the city.
JENNA
How exciting. I own a restaurant in Paris.
MONICA
I don't like to boast but Alessandro's got a 5 star rating in the New York Times.
CHANDLER
(COUGHS) 4 star.
JENNA
President Jacques Chirac once sent me a handwritten note saying how much he adored my menu.
MONICA
If you want to talk about famous people, David Letterman once dined at Alessandro's.
PHOEBE
Until Chandler chased him away.
CHANDLER
Hey, I watched that guy every night for 20 years. And you're telling me he can't spare 5 minutes to hear some of my jokes?
PHOEBE
You chased him dowm the street. For three blocks. In the rain.
CHANDLER
From now on we're a Leno household.
JENNA
The French actor Gerard Depardeau complimented me on my vin de pays. I shouldn't really say this, but he also pinched my bottom.
MONICA
Oh really. Well, the famous tv actor, Joey Tribbiani once tried to sleep with me.
JOEY ENTERS
MONICA
In fact, I'll prove it. (SHOUTS) Hey, Joey! Wanna have sex with me?
JOEY
Now? I've just come in for a Danish. But I guess I could.
CHANDLER FRANTICALLY WAVES JOEY TO BACK OFF
JOEY
Could I least get my Danish?
JENNA
I see you're as competitive as ever.
MONICA
D'you think? I'd say I've mellowed with age.
PHOEBE
Yeah right. Mellow like a fox.
MONICA
Are you in the city for long?
JENNA
Not long. I've just sold my cookery website to Times-Warner for a million dollars.
CHANDLER
Wow. The only thing we've sold on the internet is a photograph of Joey. We got 59 cents on Ebay.
JOEY
That's because you sold the wrong photograph.
CHANDLER
I couldn't sell the one you gave me. You were naked in it.
JOEY
That bad boy would have fetched more than 59 cents.
PHOEBE
I'd have bid for it.
JOEY
Thanks, Phoebs.
PHOEBE
Don't mention it, Big Daddy.
MONICA
I drive a Porsche!
JENNA
Good for you. Here's my car now.
A LONG BLACK LIMO PULLS UP OUTSIDE
JENNA
So nice to meet you again, Monica. Phoebe. Charlie. (TO JOEY) Strange man...
JENNA EXITS
CHANDLER, JOEY AND PHOEBE STAND AND STARE AT THE LIMO AS IT DEPARTS.
PHOEBE
Will you look at the size of that limo!
MOICA
(SULKS) Does it have precision German engineering and class leading road holding characteristics?
PHOEBE
Who cares. It's as long as a block.
ROSS ENTERS
ROSS
Hey, was that Jenna Pulaski getting into a limo? I haven't seen her since High school.
MONICA
Uh huh.
PHOEBE
She's a French Countess now.
ROSS
Wow. You know, back in High school I got to 2nd base with her.
MONICA
Oh please. She was lying on the floor, you thought she was a bean bag and sat on her.
ROSS
Oh yeah. Now I remember. She was very soft.
CHANDLER
She owns a restaurant in Paris. And she's an dotcom millionaire.
PHOEBE
Plus she gets felt up by horny french actors.
ROSS
Wow. Quite a success story.
MONICA
Did anyone else notice Jenna Pulaski's still fat?
ROSS
Monica! How can you say that?
MONICA
I'm sorry. But cut me some slack here. Thin's all I've got.
INT. NIGHT.
MONICA'S APPARTMENT. BEDROOM.
CHANDLER & MoNICA ARE IN BED. MONICA CAN'T SLEEP, SHE'S TOSSING & TURNING, KNEADING THE PILLOW, ETC.
MONICA
I can't beleive that Jenna Pulaski. A Countess. Paris restaurant. In High School Home Eck I carried that girl. Without me she'd burn soup.
CHANDLER
Ah, the smell of burnt soup in the mornings , smells like...college.
MONICA
Her own Paris restaurant? I mean, please. You know how long I've dreamed of owning a restaurant in Paris?
CHANDLER
Since this evening?
MONICA
At least.
CHANDLER
I don't get what all the fuss is about. So your high school friend is rich and successful. Shouldn't you be pleased for her?
MONICA
What planet are you living on?
CHANDLER
You're not pleased for her?
MONICA
No. Yes. No.
CHANDLER
Well I'm glad you cleared that up.
MONICA
It's complicated. In one way I'm pleased for Jenna.
In another way I'd like to slap her smug face every which way.
Haven't you heard of shadenfreude? It's a German word.
CHANDLER
Shadenfreude? Wasn't he a Nazi General who died in Hitler's bunker?
MONICA
It means to take pleasure at someone's lack of success. She was shadenfreuding me!
CHANDLER
What? You're a success.
MONICA
Do I have a restaurant in Paris? Am I rich? Am I a Countess?
CHANDLER
You think that's success?
MONICA
Yeah huh! Her job's better than mine. She's way richer than me. And she married better.
CHANDLER
Good lord! Don't tell your husband. Oh wait - you just did.
MONICA
I'm sorry, honey. And I love you. I do. But do you have your own title?
CHANDLER
Well, in high school they used to call me Mr Funnyguy.
MONICA
Great. I'll just change my name to Mrs Funnyguy and I'm all set.
CHANDLER
Mr and Mrs Funnyguy. Boy, we'd have to be careful what we named our kids.
MONICA
And Jenna Pulaski's a dotcom millionaire? Please. All I get from the internet are emails on ways to enlarge my penis.
CHANDLER
Ah, honey, I think those are meant for me.
MONICA
Yeah? Would it hurt you to at least look into it?
CHANDLER
Ouch. No loving for you tonight.
MONICA
Good. I'm not in the mood for sex.
CHANDLER
Y'know, there's no reason you couldn't have your own website.
MONICA
I know nothing about computers.
CHANDLER
But Ross and I do. At least I think we know enough between us to set something up.
MONICA
Really? My own website. Could we call it 'Monica's Hot Dish'?
CHANDLER
You want a cookery website or a porn one?
MONICA
How about - Yeah. We could even set up a live webcam.
MONICA
So people from all over the world could log on and watch me cook?
CHANDLER
Not just cook. People from all over the world could see and admire what you've done with the apartment.
MONICA
(GETTING AROUSED) They'd be able to see my apartment? And all my stuff?
CHANDLER
See, and admire. Maybe even could be the next Martha Stewart. Only without the jailtime.
MONICA LEAPS ON CHANDLER
MONICA
Let's do it like bunnies.
CHANDLER
Dirty little bunnies.
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT
THE WHOLE GANG.
CAMERAS AND LIGHTS HAVE BEEN SET OVER MONICA'S COOKING STATION. CHANDLER IS HUNCHED OVER A LAPTOP COMPUTER. IS ABOUT TO LAUNCH.
ROSS
5 minutes! 5 minutes to air. Places, people, places!
JOEY
Wait a minute. Something's not quite right.
ROSS
What is it, Joe? Is the camera wrong?
JOEY
No...
ROSS
Is it the lights? Are they too bright?
JOEY
No...
ROSS
Then what?
JOEY
Got it. The donut cart.
ROSS
What donut cart? We don't have a donut cart.
JOEY
Exactly. On 'Days of our Lives' we always have a donut cart handy. For between takes snacks.
MONICA
I think there's some leftover pizza in the fridge, Joe. Will that do?
JOEY
I guess. It's not the same. But That's what happens if you work with amateurs.
MONICA
I'm so excited. My own website. In your face Jenna Pulaski!
RACHEL LAUGHS
MONICA
What's so funny?
RACHEL
I just remembered what they used to call you and Jenna PUlaski back in High school.
MONICA
The queens of Home Eck?
RACHEL
No, that's what you called yourselves. Everyone else called you- you know what? It doesn't matter.
MONICA
What did they call us?
RACHEL
It was a long time ago. It's not important.
MONICA
Rachel, tell me.
RACHEL
The Humpty and Dumpty of Home Eck.
MONICA
Omigod! Who? Who called us that?
RACHEL
It was mostly Suzi Hoffman and her gang. She was a real bitch.
MONICA
Oh my. That's why Suzi Hoffman used to say to me 'don't sit on any walls, Geller' and laughed. I always wondered what the hell she meant by that.
JOEY
Which one of you was Humpty?
RACHEL
What? Joey, is that really important?
JOEY
Sure it is. I'd rather be called Humpty than Dumpty any day.
MONICA
Well..?
RACHEL
Oh all right. Monica, you were Humpty.
MONICA
Yes! No, wait. I'm still incredibly offended.
RACHEL
but it was years ago. Look at you now - thin and beautiful.
MONICA
The fat person inside me is still very upset.
RACHEL
She's still in there? Boy, I thought you'd starved her right out years ago.
Anyway, if it makes you feel better I happen to know Suzi Hoffman's on her third stint in rehab.
MONICA
Really? Hmm, that does make me feel ! That schadenfreude's really kicking in.
RACHEL
Uh huh. And - she's got a plastic septum. (SNIFFS) Know what I mean...
JOEY
Her septum's plastic! How does she have sex?
RACHEL
What? Joey, a septum isn't a...What do you think a septum is?
JOEY
Isn't it-(WHISPERS IN RACHEL'S EAR)
RACHEL
No!
MONICA
What'd he think it is?
RACHEL
(WHISPERS IN MONICAS EAR)
MONICA
No! It's part of the nose.
JOEY
Oh. Whatta y'know. You live and learn.
I certainly won't be telling girls they have a pretty septum any more.
ROSS
One minute! One minute to air.
RACHEL
Here me go. Good luck, Humpty.
MONICA
Hey! It might be 15 years but -Thin ice.
ROSS
Chandler, all set your end?
CHANDLER
Uh huh. We're already picking up site traffic. Plus I downloaded a whole batch of porn.
ROSS
Good. I spent all weekend printing fliers and handing them out on campus.
I put on them you were a really excellent cook.
MONICA
Thanks, Ross.
PHOEBE
And I put on them you were really hot and would be wearing a tight sweater.
So don't make me a liar.
MONICA
Uh - thanks, Phoebs.(BEAT) I think.
ROSS
Phoebe, you're up!
PHOEBE
Time for my song. I wrote it specially.
(STRUMS GUITAR AND SINGS)
"Welcome to Monica's kitchen
The food here is really bitchin'
The aroma will get your nose twitching
You probably won't want to move to Michigan
La-la-la-la-la-la-la
Though I hear Michigan's really nice in the Fall
The Fall-al-al-al-al-al."
ROUND OF APPLAUSE FROM THE GUYS
PHOEBE
Thank you. No really. You're too kind.
ROSS
Cue Monica!
MONICA
Hi, I'm Monica. And This is (BEAT) Okay. Forgot it's not a live audience. No applause, Monica, get real.
RACHEL
Hi, everyone!
MON
That's - uh - Rachel, my assistant for the evening. Could you hand me the whisk, Rachel.
RACHEL
Sure thing. What's a whisk?
MON
Uh, the whisk-shaped object right in front of you.
RACHEL
Right. Of course. Here I go handing Monica the whisk. Me, Rachel Green handing Monica the - what's it called again?.
MON
Never mind. Uh, Rachel,wait a second, my hair's caught in your broach.
RACHEL
Be careful, that's a present from my parents.
MON
Well, my hair's sorta a present from my parents, so yeah, I'm gonna be careful.
RACHEL
Got it?
MON
Yeah, that's why I'm still bent over for the fun of it. No. Stand still. Ugh, it won't come loose.
PHOEBE
Let me try.
RACHEL
Be careful,that broach-
MON
Yeah, we get it. A present from your parents. Hey, that hurt! Don't tug, Phoebe.
PHOEBE
It's no good. You're stuck fast. We'll have to cut off all your hair.
MON
Or Rachel could take her shirt off.
PHOEBE
Ooh, that'd work too.
RACHEL
I can't take my shirt off.
MON
Why not? It'll take like ten seconds.
RACHEL
I'm - uh - not wearing a bra.
MON
What? Why aren't you wearing- Oh I get it. The attention. This is so like High School science class all over again.
RACHEL
What? No it's not.
MON
Oh yeah? Remember that crush you had on Mr Casey, the supply teacher? You took your bra off before the lesson just for him. Like he noticed.
RACHEL
Oh he noticed all right.
MON
Ha! So you admit it.
RACHEL
Gee, you got me, Columbo.
MON
Take your shirt off!
RACHEL
You take your shirt off!
THEY STRUGGLE PULLING AT EACH OTHER'S CLOTHES
PHOEBE
Ross, turn the camera off. We're having some technical problems.
ROSS
Okay, the camera is off.
JOEY STROLLS OVER
JOEY
Still filming?
ROSS
Oh yeah.
JOEY
Look at them go. If only I hadn't eaten the last jar of jello.
(HITS HEAD)
Stupid, stupid, stupid! Always leave one jar of jello in case a chickfight breaks out.
CHANDLER
I think we have some cranberry juice left over from Thansgiving.
JOEY
Cranberry juice? Yeah, that'd do it...
THE END OF PART ONE
AUTHORS NOTE
You're probably wondering where the frozen heads of the title are. Don' t worry. Frozen heads coming right up in part two, along with Joey's psyche-test and a whole lot more.
PJ
