18Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Harry Potter.
A/N: I wrote this a while ago for another story, and it never ended up getting used. I thought I would post it for the hell of it, as it made me chuckle when I re-read it. And I got the hiccoughs too, though I think the two may be unrelated!
Dear Mr Tom Marvolo Riddle, AKA, Lord Voldemort,
We hope this letter finds you in good health. (That's a nice start, don't you think? Though your name is a bit ostentatious you know. Ahem. Anyway, moving on...). We are writing to you to advise you of your impending doom. (Nice to get a bit of forewarning, isn't it?) The reason for said doom, is that you are an ugly bastard, (red eyes really aren't attractive you know), a hypocritical halfblood and a complete and total git who just had to go and threaten the very fabric of magic by trying to destroy all muggles and muggleborns. (Can't really argue with that reasoning can you? But wait, there's more here). Not only are you a complete and total pillock, you are also a stupid dickhead who isn't content to threaten the existence of magic on this world, but in the rest of the universe too. (You really should have done your research better, old boy!)
So, with immediate effect, we demand the complete cessation of your antisocial behaviour, and your surrender and that of your Death Eaters. If you refuse, we will not only have Dr John Reid, (he's Home Secretary by the way), slap you with an ASBO, (that means Antisocial Behaviour Order, for all you backwards Dark Arts freaks who just can't keep up with the times), we will also utterly unmake your existence. Ever wondered what happens to a candle flame when you blow it out? We eagerly await your owl, no later than then next sixty seconds.
Yours Faithfully,
Every living thing in the cosmos.
(Apart from your Death Eaters, because they're a bunch of spineless slugs).
