125The World's Most Accurate Aurikku
By Galaxy Girl
A/N: Let's get one thing straight. I hate Aurikku. You can't convince me otherwise. Flame me all you want, you will be mocked! I hate the coupling because it's OOC and gratuitous! YES! GRATUITOUS!
So what follows is a short series of vignettes describing why if there were no OOCness in an Aurikku fanfic, the coupling would not exist.
Also, to make the joke, Rikku's a bit on the dumb side in this one and there is rampant, joking character bashing. Don't kill me, it's supposed to be COMEDY.
CASE IN POINT #1: Priorities
"Sir Auron?"
The eldest guardian looked up at his summoner, intrigue in his single brown eye. "Hm?"
"I would like Rikku to be my guardian," Yuna said with a nod.
"So soon?" Auron raised an eyebrow.
There was a long, Shatner-esque pause before Yuna nodded again and said, "Yes."
Auron eyed the girl, rocking back and forth antsily with her arms behind her back. Strange, how Yuna was so set on bringing her into the party after such a short period of time. After all, Kimahri already knew how to Steal and Use, making Rikku's inborn abilities as a thief absolutely useless. Besides, the player was one of those who buffed up the strong characters and left the rest abandoned by the wayside—there wasn't much at this point that the teenager could actually DO. Except for attempt to play comic relief and whine a lot in the cutscenes.
But hey, Yuna was the summoner and the world revolved around her.
"Come here," Auron said simply, motioning for Rikku to come over to him.
She inched across the Moonflow banks, still staring at the ground in front of the legendary guardian nervously.
"Look at me. Show me your eyes," Auron said gruffly.
Rikku lifted her head and showed him her swirly cracked-out emerald green pearls of eyes. Though pearls can't be green, I suppose. Hm.
"Do you think my eyes are beautiful?" asked Rikku quietly.
"No. I'm checking if you're an Al Bhed," Auron rolled his eye. "You are looking into it too much."
"A wha?" Wakka stammered.
"A monkey," Lulu recovered seamlessly.
"Oh. Okay den!" None too quick on the uptake, that Wakka.
"But… Auron, I'm basically jailbait fanservice!" Rikku explained, scratching her cheek. "Don't you find my supple teenage body attractive?"
"No. Why would I be scoping out teenage girls for sexual purposes when I have absolutely no interest in a romantic relationship at this time? I have enough to worry about guarding Yuna from being kidnapped every ten seconds and keeping my promises to my two dead best friends without having to work on a relationship," Auron said shortly. Well… not really "shortly", I guess.
"Oh, I guess that makes sense," Rikku nodded in understanding. "Kinda like how my only priority right now is to protect my cousin Yuna and keep her from being killed as part of a bogus Yevonite tradition that doesn't actually work the way it's supposed to, me being a non-believer in the entire Yevon religion. It's basic characterization."
"Exactly," Auron concluded. "It's your decision, Yuna."
"Welcome to the party, Rikku!" Yuna giggled.
"… WAIT A SEC! Did you say you were Al Bhed?!" Wakka gasped in horror.
"No," Lulu told him.
"… Oh. Okay den!" Wakka shrugged.
