Warnings: Mafia AU, Underfell, Underswap, and references to a few other AUs. Many OCs running around. References to criminal activity and past violence. There's also a few curse words. Sansby with a little side Sanscest.

---

Spark smirked as he took a drag on his menthol cigarette, foot propped up on the low table between him and his host. Red Gaster, son of Don Fell Gaster, was mirroring his slouched, relaxed position right down to the cigar he was chewing thoughtfully with those shark-like teeth and the foot propped up on the same table. The only difference, aside from one being made of sturdy bones and the other living flames, was their clothes. Red looked posh as ever in his rumpled but still very expensive, very classy, expertly tailored suit, the perfect match for the dark wood and rich leather furniture in the room. Spark was the one standing out, the light of his violet flames glinting off the heat resistance carbon reinforced steel chains dripping over his entirely modern, very sleek, and expensive outfit.

"… So, we're in agreement?" Spark asked, eyes narrowed behind his custom shades.

Red chewed over Spark's question and his own cigar for a moment before pulling the cigar out. "alright, yer terms're good enough." He dropped down the foot and leaned forward, reaching for the bottle half full of amber liquid. Spark leaned forward himself to pick up his drink once Red topped it off. Red held his drink up, "to business."

Spark touched his glass to Red's, "… To business." They both threw back their drinks, Spark's flames briefly flared, then settled back down. Now it was Spark's turn to reach for the bottle and refill their drinks. He leaned back into his seat, resuming his relaxed position. "… So, how's the family?"

"they're all jus' fine," Red drawled, his pose mirroring Spark's again. That's all he ever said about his family, they're all just fine. Then again it was only very recently Spark had finally gained enough trust to even talk with Red at all, getting to the point where they actually chit chatted was going to take more time.

Angel above, everything was going to take more time! Eventually he would get the privilege of negotiating with the elder Gaster brother, and by the time he was on good enough terms to actually speak with Don Gaster in person he was sure it would be because Fell will retire and Edge take over by then. It would be worth it though, being able to form any kind of alliance with one of the big families was always a boon in this city.

"how 'bout yer family?"

"… Doing just dandy, thanks. Kindling recently hired more help."

"oh, is that so?"

"… It is, business is good."

"well good for him, couldn't have happened to a more deservin' monster."

Spark just nodded. It was true, no one was more deserving of success than Kindling, he'd worked himself down to embers to get his place up and running. He still worked hard every day to make sure his baby was running smooth as could be.

They lapsed into a short silence after that, sipping their drinks and spewing more smoke into the moderately sized room. Red was the first to break it, "so, about next saturday…"

"I'm afraid I won't be able to be here next Saturday," Spark cut in.

Red chortled, "that's good news, i was 'bout to tell ya we have a standin' appointment fer that weekend ev'ry year, couldn't make it to the club if i wanted."

Spark couldn't curb his curiosity, "… Oh?"

"yeah, family reunion. ya know how we feel 'bout family."

"… Of course, I wouldn't dream of coming between you and a family reunion."

"heh, good. and you? what's got ya tied up, hm?"

"… A birthday party." Spark took a moment to take another drag on his cigarette, the cherry burning bright against his lips, "… Got this pretty little side piece, just the sweetest thing you ever met, turns out grandpa's birthday is coming up and I'm invited."

"no kiddin', an' here i didn't even know ya was seein' anyone," Red said with a little laugh.

"… Like to keep my business and private life separate."

Red barked out a harsh laugh, "ya can try! but still, that sounds nice. have ya met this grandpa b'fore?"

Spark shook his head, "… No, this'll be a real meeting the family situation."

Red whistled, "that's a big step, congratulations!" He leaned forward and refilled their glasses again, then held his up. "to family."

Spark touched glasses with Red again, "… To family."

It was over an hour later that Spark was finally in his car, his driver taking him across town. Red had warmed up after hearing about Spark's "li'l sweetheart" and had tried to weasel all manner of information out of him. Spark had managed to bullshit his way out of giving out anything Red could use to track him down, just as Spark hadn't earned Red's complete trust Red hadn't earned Spark's. Even with all that, they had spent some time just shooting the breeze, it had been almost pleasant. But Spark was tired, being on guard for that long, not to mention the extra layer of smug bastard he'd been laying on nice and thick, was exhausting. He was looking forward to taking a little time to just relax after that ordeal.

As the driver headed straight for his cousin's bar… hah, cousins! They grew up together and may as well just call each other brother. For a few years Spark had even lived with his aunts and cousins while his dad got his own life together, Kindling had been the closest to him in age and they'd been damn near inseparable. Spark was looking forward to spending some time with him, even if he knew the other would be distracted by running his bar and grill. And maybe if he was lucky a certain someone else would be there too. Spark slowly, carefully started taking off all the "bling" he wore to his "meetings." The heavy, fur lined coat he never put his arms through, the custom heat resistant steel chains strung across his front through the button holes of said coat to keep it from falling off since he never put his arms through it, the custom shades inset with small gems that matched the color of his flames, and a few other small accessories he'd rather not lose. The smaller items were all neatly put away in a case he dropped on top of the coat laid across the seat. He knew after his driver dropped him off they'd head straight home and well… that would be the end of it. He'd find his things right where he left them.

Once the car pulled into the back lot of the bar he got out and gave his driver a short wave before they headed back out. He quickly did up a few more buttons on his black silk shirt and even rolled up the sleeves, combined with his black leather pants he was the perfect mix of casual and dangerous. He strolled casually into the bar through the back door, Kindling's employees didn't even bat an eye anymore when he did that. He sauntered past them and out into the dining room. The customers didn't even notice, but Kindling turned to look curiously over his shoulder when he heard the door swing open.

"… ah, Spark, there you are."

"… Hello Kindling."

"hey chillby," Sans called amiably from his spot at the bar, happily calling his silly nickname for Spark.

Spark made a beeline for Sans, happily pressing himself up against Sans's back and snaking his arms over the small skeleton's shoulders. Unfortunately there were people in the seats on either side of Sans, he could intimidate one of them into moving, or he could move them both to somewhere a little more secluded. Like that empty booth in the back corner or through the door behind it into the private room Kindling only kept for Spark to hold "business meetings" in. The private room none of the customers knew about. Hmm…

"… Come sit with me," Spark cajoled even as he bodily picked Sans up and carried him right over to that corner booth. He heard Kindling sigh loudly. No appreciation for the fine art of drama, or properly wooing your datemate.

They quickly settled into the booth, Sans snuggled into Spark's side under his arm. Kindling put a pair of drinks down on their table. Sans looked up at him with a warm smile, "thanks, grillby."

It was still weird he called them by their last name, especially since he decided it was too confusing to call them both Grillby and gave Spark that strange nickname. He would admit it was less embarrassing than his childish given name.

"so what kept you so long?" Sans asked as he snuggled into Spark's side. "grillby was real worried when you didn't show up on time."

"… Didn't know I had a curfew."

Sans snorted, "c'mon, he was worried about you."

"… It took a little longer to double check my schedule is all clear for next weekend, and I'm not that late."

"alright, so he was only starting to worry. but awwwww, you did all that just for little old me?"

"… Of course!" He nuzzled the top of Sans's skull, "… I'm going to meet your grandpa and the rest of your family. It's important."

"you don't have to, you know."

"… I want to."

"you sure? because i won't blame you for taking it back."

Spark tilted Sans's face up to look him directly in the eyes, "… I said I love you and I meant it. I want to meet your family." For what felt like the thousandth time he wanted to kick himself. They'd been wrapped in each other's arms, legs tangled together with the bed sheets, tendrils of potent magic twined together as they chased each other's pleasure, and the words had just blurted themselves out of his stupid mouth. Of course Sans wasn't going to believe it was anything but the effects of momentary passion and not genuine affection. It was made all the worse because Spark had already been agonizing over whether or not he was really ready to say those three little words and making so many plans for when, where, how he was going to say them.

"alright, they're pretty excited about meeting you too. the ones i've warned, anyway."

"… Good. Warn them not to fall for me, I'm a one skeleton monster." He closed the distance between them, stealing a slow kiss from Sans along with whatever smart ass retort he was going to come back with.

---

The next Saturday the drive out to Sans's grandfather's house was a long one, he lived on the old family farm way out in the countryside: down a winding path that skirted the nearby mountains, down into the valley, and over the river and several railroad tracks. Spark really was looking forward to actually meeting Sans's family. Of course he'd checked into Sans's background back when things first took a turn towards serious, so he knew about Optima Semi and his four children, three of whom started families of their own. Sans's dad was the only one of the four to leave for city life, the other three stayed on the farm, so that meant Spark was going to finally have faces to put with the names of the grandfather, the three uncles and their spouses, and the two sets of cousins.

It was a pity he wasn't going to get to meet the Sanserif side of the family, not anymore. Their grandfather had finally fallen down shortly before Sans and Spark became an item. The loss had been especially hard for them since they'd gone to live with their Sanserif grandfather after their parents had been killed, tragic victims caught in the crossfire of a territory dispute. Part of the reason why he hadn't told Sans what he really did for a living yet, how could he tells Sans he was in the same business that stole the lives of his parents when he and his brothers had been so young?

Speaking of brothers, Papyrus and Wingdings were loudly singing along to the radio in the front seats while Sans and Spark were crammed into the backseat next to a pile of pretty wrapped gifts and overnight bags crammed in a pile on the floor. It seemed like a lot of gifts to bring along for one grandparent's birthday, but perhaps some of them were for their cousins? He knew one cousin was already married and had quite a few kids, if Sans and his brothers only saw the family once a year they probably treated it like Christmas and brought gifts for everyone.

"AND I WOULD WALK FIVE HUNDRED MORE!"

Angel above it was more like off tune yelling than singing. Spark leaned awkwardly against Sans in the small car and the words he'd been trying to hold back since they left city limits finally came spilling out, "… Are we there yet?"

Sans patted him gently on the arm, "almost, only another hour and a half to go."

Spark made a pathetic sound into Sans's shoulder.

"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM," Wingdings said while twisting around in his seat to look at Spark.

"SIT PROPERLY!"

"OH HUSH, THERE AREN'T ANY CARS FOR MILES. BUT DON'T LISTEN TO SANS, THAT'S THEIR NEAREST NEIGHBOR WE'RE PASSING NOW. WE JUST GO DOWN THE NEXT TURN OFF AND THERE WE ARE."

"THERE WE ARE INDEED!" Papyrus said eagerly as he slowed to turn down a dirt road, at the corner was a mailbox absolutely covered in colorful balloons. The road they turned onto was dusty but otherwise surprisingly well kempt. It wound past a screen of trees and up to an obviously very old, very large farmhouse with eaves and shutters painted a soothing dark green and a positively dizzying number of cars parked in front. Spark couldn't help staring at all the cars, since everyone still lived on the farm he expected maybe four cars at most, but there were at least a dozen. They came in all shapes, sizes, and colors too. A bright red sports car, an ancient brown van, and a modest champagne coupe were just the closest to the road.

Papyrus pulled their sensible white sedan up to the end of the row of cars, right under a tree that would probably drop sap and sticks all over it, not to mention the tall grass they just rolled over to get in the spot. They were completely off the road, which turned into a little round about and a small cleared off section Spark could only guess was usually used as parking for the family.

Even before the car came to a complete stop a tall figure came bounding down from the porch. A skeleton, this one so tall and spindly they looked as if someone had put Papyrus or Wingdings in photoshop and stretched him out. They were wearing a colorful flower crown, a cotton candy pink knit sweater, and a pastel overall skirt that would have come down to the knees of anyone else but was rather short on this tall, knock kneed skeleton. The over sized, round glasses and braces did nothing to distract from how incredibly tiny their eyes were or how crooked their teeth, rather they seemed to just enhance them. Spark shuddered to think how much worse those teeth used to be, assuming the braces weren't a new addition anyway.

"HELLO! WELCOME, WELCOME!"

"SUGAR!" Papyrus practically leapt from the car to go greet… well Spark supposed this must be one of their cousins, though he didn't remember anyone named Sugar showing up on the family tree. The two exchanged a quick flurry of movements that must be some sort of secret handshake.

"HOW WAS YOUR DRIVE? I HOPE YOU DIDN'T GET TRAPPED IN THE MORNING RUSH LIKE LAST YEAR. OH, BUT I SEE YOU MADE IT SAFELY SO IT MUST HAVE AT THE VERY LEAST BEEN AN OKAY DRIVE."

"IT WASN'T TOO BAD, WE HAD TO LEAVE VERY EARLY TO AVOID THE MORNING RUSH HOUR. I DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S CALLED THAT WHEN IT LASTS FOR CLOSER TO THREE HOURS, NYEH!"

"PAPYRUS, HELP US GET EVERYTHING OUT OF THE TRUNK, YOU CAN SAY HELLO ONCE THAT'S TAKEN CARE OF."

Papyrus stuck his tongue out at Wingdings, but also did as he was told.

"I CAN HELP TOO!" Sugar bounded over to the trunk.

"that's great, sugar, you can come over here and get the pies. they need to be handled carefully and i don't want them to get crushed. plus we don't want anyone else taking a slice before dessert's served." Sans winked from where he was standing on the other side of the car, the door open and Sans already holding up a bag.

Wait, when had he gotten out of the car? Spark had been between him and the door! Sparked scrambled out, went around the front to avoid running into the others at the trunk, and joined Sans on the other side of the car. Sugar had taken the bag and was already headed back towards the house, their long stride carrying them quickly away.

"hey," Sans said to Spark, "help me carry these over? we're just following the bros."

"… Sure," Spark said as he accepted the wrapped packages being piled into his arms. "… This seems like a lot of people for one person's birthday party, I didn't think you had this many cousins."

"most of these are all second cousins," Sans said absently as he shut the door, then started towards the trunk. "grandpa has two brothers and their birthdays are all within a couple weeks of each other so they like to get together the third weekend of june every year for a joint celebration." He dug out two more bags with strangely lumpy sides, then used a flicker of magic to close the trunk. "and of course their kids and grandkids and now great grandkids all come celebrate too. a real christmas in july, except it's in june. c'mon, everyone's around back."

That was far more family than Spark had expected, and was definitely more than he had ever bothered looking up. Most people didn't stay in regular contact with their second cousins, right? Then again this was just a once a year thing. He followed Sans up to the house, where they climbed the steps up onto the porch that wrapped around the side of the house, then back down another set of steps into a wide back area that was positively teeming with skeletons. Papyrus and Wingdings had already set down the cooler and were talking to a couple other skeletons. Sans headed right for them, Spark on his heels.

"i leave these with you," Sans said as if he were a great sage bestowing long sought after wisdom to a supplicant.

"ALRIGHT, GO SHOW OFF YOUR BOYFRIEND TO THE WHOLE FAMILY," Wingdings said indulgently while waving them away.

"not yet, gotta go give grandpa and the uncles their gifts first."

"THAT IS TRUE, THEY GET CRANKY IF THEY THINK THEY'RE FORGOTTEN."

"Don't Worry, I'm Sure We Can Take Care Of Things Here," one of the other skeletons said.

"they're over on the veranda," the other helpfully offered while pointing towards another porch on the back of the house.

The three Sanserif brothers waved their thanks before grabbing most of the gifts out of Spark's arms and leading him over to a back porch that did indeed have three skeletons with incredibly fragile looking, pockmarked bones and maybe one full set of teeth between them rocking away and fanning themselves.

"Optima, It's Your Boys!" One of the elderly skeletons hollered.

"What?!"

"Your Boys! These Ones Are Yours! Look Up You Deaf Old Fool!"

"You're The Deaf Old Fool! Hello Boys, Come Give Grandpa A Hug!" The skeleton, presumably Optima, held his arms open for all three Sanserif boys to crowd in for a hug. "Now Then, What'd You Bring Me?"

"here, gramps, this one's from me. happy birthday." Sans handed over one of the packages he held, Optima immediately started ripping apart the paper. While he did that Sans wandered over to his great uncles. "and one for uncle marcellus, and one for uncle rotis. those're from all of us."

"That Include That Cute Flame You Brought With You?"

"yup," Sans said with a pop on the P.

"THOUGH THIS ONE IS JUST FROM ME," Papyrus clarified as he held up his gift.

"Thank You, Sans, It's Lovely," Optima said while looking down at his gift. Then he set it aside and reached for Papyrus's package, "Now Gimme!"

Another of the old farts skeletons closed his fan and smacked Sans's humerus with it, "Introduce Us To Your Flame, Boy!"

"Oh Yes, Don't Be Rude! Who's This?"

"this is my boyfriend, spark grillby."

"… Nice to meet you," Spark said. He reached out to shake one frail, bony hand after the other.

"that's grandpa optima, great uncle rotis, and great uncle marcellus."

"He's A Cute One, If Only I Were Thirty Years Younger…"

"You'd Still Be Old Enough To Be His Parent!"

The three ancient ones tittered like a bunch of teenagers.

"well this has been great, but i gotta to take him around to meet everyone else now. and i think more gifts just arrived."

There was indeed another group (a skeleton, some sort of pastel sparkling cloud elemental, and a couple small skeleton children with pastel sparkling cloud auras) lined up behind their group with some incredibly shiny gifts in their arms.

"Yes, Yes, Out Of The Way!" Rotis waved their group aside eagerly. "Cosmic My Boy! Nova! And Of Course Little Comet and Nebula! Come Give Your Grandpa A Hug!"

"c'mon," Sans grabbed Spark's arm and started guiding him away from the ancient ones who acted like spoiled children. Honestly!

"… Where are we going next?"

"we should at least give our hosts their gifts, then we can just join in on the general snacking and mingling."

Snacks and mingling sounded good, much more low key than what he just had to sit through. The crowd of skeletons was a bit overwhelming, but most of them were already in small groups. It was the children running between them that seemed to be making the most racket.

"SUGAR TOLD ME THEY'RE EXPECTING AGAIN, JUST FOUND OUT A COUPLE WEEKS AGO!" Papyrus said cheerfully.

"that's great, too bad it makes one of our gifts a faux pas."

"IT'S WINE, THEY'LL UNDERSTAND." Wingdings said flippantly.

"… They can have a toast," Spark offered with a sardonic grin.

"oh look, there's crop." Sans pulled spark in a slightly different direction, heading for a round faced skeleton with a straw hat on their head and a piece of grass hanging out of their mouth. Looming over their back was a skeleton about a head taller, a matching straw hat over their head that did nothing to soften the glare of their strangely bloated red eye pip and absolutely manic grin. "hey crop, axe, how're you doing?"

The shorter skeleton turned to reveal a baby Spark hadn't noticed earlier propped up on one hip, their face half hidden in their parent's white take top. "hey sans, wingdings, papyrus, and ooooooh! this must be that boyfriend you told us about."

"yup, this is spark. spark, this is crop and his husband axe, sugar's brother, and their littlest sproglet, verdana. though a tall birdy told us pretty soon he's gonna be a big brother."

Crop laughed, "yeah, takes a lot of hands to run a farm, figured the easiest way is to just make more ourselves." Axe growled and loomed further over Crop, his hands moved protectively over Crop's middle. Crop sighed, then turned and offered little Verdana up to him, "here, hold him for a minute."

"oh uh… sure." Axe took the baby, who looked absolutely tiny in his massive arms. Verdana snuggled up into his father's hold, then turned back to glare distrustfully at these strangers invading his home. Or Spark guessed that's how the pair of them felt, Verdana's glare perfectly matched his father's.

Sans picked through the presents left in Spark's hold to pull one out, then offered it to Crop. "here, a host gift. i think you'll like it."

"aw shucks, that's sweet of you." Crop immediately ripped off the paper to reveal a box of hand made chocolates from a well known local gourmet bakery back in the city. Spark whistled, those tended to be rather pricey and here Sans was just handing them over like a cheap grocery store box of chocolates. Crop's pips blew wide as he looked hungrily at the treats, "you remembered!"

"it wasn't that hard, you raved about these things for weeks after i brought some over last time."

Axe was leaning over Crop's shoulder with interest, Crop turned and snarled at him while protectively pulling the box close to his body. Axe took a nervous step back.

Papyrus chuckled, "BETTER JUST GO HIDE THEM WHILE YOU CAN."

"yeah, probably should. thanks sans, enjoy the party." Crop started for the house, Axe hot on his heels.

"WAIT, WERE'RE YOUR FATHER AND BROTHER?"

"uh… pops is helping set up the kiddy activies and kern is um… uh… huh, not sure."

"I'LL GO FIND KERN, JUST SAY HI TO UNCLE MERRIWEATHER FOR ME." Wingdings nonchalantly grabbed one of the two remaining gifts out of Spark's hands, just leaving the one that was shaped like a bottle of wine swaddled in gift wrapping.

"I'M GOING TO GO FIND SUGAR AGAIN, HAVE FUN YOU TWO!" Papyrus took off as well. And then they were two.

"typical. well let's just go say hi to uncle merriweather then do that whole snack and mingle thing."

"… Sure." The nice thing about finally being down to just one gift was that now Sans was clinging to Spark's arm as he led him further into the crowd and away from the house. Just past the crowd and a small cluster of trees was a clearing with a couple bounce houses in it. "… Huh, I wasn't expecting that."

"what? everyone loves bounces houses."

"… Yeah, but I was expecting… I don't know… hay rides?"

"they usually set those up later in the day, after the kids have burned off some of that excitement."

"… Makes sense."

"and this is uncle merriweath, hey uncle merriweather."

"hello sans, so good to see you again." A broad, round faced, cheerful skeleton sauntered over to greet them. Spark could see the resemblance to Crop.

"this is my boyfriend, spark."

"very nice to meet you!"

"… Likewise." They shook hands.

"and this is a little gift from all of us, thanks for hosting the big birthday weekend this year."

"thank you, that's very kind." He tested the weight of the bottle and pulled the bow at the neck of the bottle loose, then tugged at the paper to take a peek at the label. "i'm sure it'll be very popular tonight."

"nah, save it for after we're all gone. toast a party well done, or the fact you're going to be a grandpa for the sixth time."

"it is exciting, isn't it? just when one of them is getting too big to be a baby anymore along comes another. i don't know how i'll get my daily dose of cuteness and cuddles when they decide they've had enough."

"I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU OVER HERE!" A bright blue blur tackled Sans, nearly knocking him over. "SO WHERE IS HE? I WANT TO MEET- OH! HERE YOU ARE! HI! I'M IMPACT, SANS'S FAVORITE COUSIN!"

"you wish."

"yeah, clearly i'm his favorite cousin." Spark had to keep himself from reflexively burning the voice that popped up right behind him.

"spark, these are my cousins impact and papyrus."

"you can just call me rus, it gets confusing otherwise."

"THEY'RE BOTH NAMED AFTER THE SAME GRANDPA, BUT EVEN THOUGH PAPY'S OLDER HE'S THE ONE THAT WANTS THE NICKNAME," Impact said with a roll of his bright blue, star shaped pips, still draped over Sans.

"eh, papyrus is too long of a name."

"well, i'll leave you children to play. it was good to meet you, spark." Merriweather gave a short wave, then tucked the bottle under his arm and headed back towards the bounce houses.

"SUPPOSEDLY BOTH PAPY AND PAPYRUS LOOK JUST LIKE GRANDPA PAPYRUS."

Spark looked the lanky skeleton up and down, aside from his slouched posture and safety orange fashion sense he looked like an exact replica of Sans's youngest brother. Impact also looked a lot like Sans, but while Spark knew that 90% of Sans's bulk came from his bulky clothes, Impact looked like he actually had broad, thick bones under his eye searing clothes. Plus he was noticeably taller, Sans was at the perfect height for Spark to sling an arm over his shoulders and pull him close.

Impact slipped off Sans as Spark pulled him close, Sans happily cuddled up to his side. "anyway, how about we take this towards the buffet? pretty sure we're going to be surrounded by screaming kids in a minute."

"GOOD IDEA, WE CAN GET SOME SNACKS AND DRINKS AND TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING."

"papyrus is hanging out with sugar."

"OKIE DOKIE! THANKS!" Impact took off running.

"… So much for being his favorite cousin."

"there's a reason sans said he wasn't his favorite."

Sans just shrugged. "it's okay to not be someone's favorite. besides, it's not like we don't already talk about everything anyway, let him go hang out with my bro. hey rus, have you decided yet?" The three of them started ambling back towards the main party.

"yeah, i'm gonna go get that degree after all. unfortunately you can't get a mechanic degree online, it's pretty hands on."

"and the hometown satellite campus doesn't have the classes you want."

Rus angrily unwrapped a sucker and popped it into his mouth, then groused around it, "they sure don't. i'm gonna have to commute an hour one way to get to school, then another hour to get home, at least three days a week."

"or…"

"or talk with dad and pops and impact about… other options."

"i'm serious about the offer still standing, we got the room."

"yeah, i know, but two years is a long time."

"eh, you can go home for holidays and the summer. plus i think it'll do you some good to see what else is out there," Sans said in his most Big Brother voice. He paused as they arrived at the buffet to start loading a plate up with snacks. "some people are happy to spend their whole lives on a farm, and some people need to go out and live a little before settling back down on the family farm."

"and some people just leave the farm and never come back."

Sans nodded, "sure, like my dad. you gotta admit he was happy living in his ivory tower."

Rus shrugged, "i guess, i was pretty young when he passed."

"well it's your life, only you can choose what to do with it. but i'm pretty sure i already know what impact and your dads are going to say."

"yeah, yeah… but enough about me, we've been ignoring your hot date this whole time."

"… Don't mind me, just enjoying this soap opera."

Sans and Rus both snorted. "plenty of that going around, you get enough members from any family in one place and there's going to be drama."

"speaking of, here come our very own black sheep now." Rus nodded towards the house. Spark turned to see that coming around the side porch were three monsters he'd never expected to see there.

Fell Gaster, Edge Gaster, and Red Gaster, all three in far more casual clothing than Spark thought they even owned. Red, flaunting the typical skeleton immunity to most temperatures, was wearing a thick leather coat with fluffy fur lining and a red sweater underneath. Edge was wearing a silky red button up shirt tucked neatly into a pair of black leather pants that looked like they'd been poured on him, and the lack of any kind of tie was so shocking Spark was thankful he didn't have a heart to get an attack. And then there was the elusive Fell Gaster, who Spark thought he'd never actually get to see in person. He too was wearing a thick sweater, this one a charcoal turtleneck that must have been custom ordered to take his lack of arms into account. His cracked skull floated freely just above the drooping neck and several disembodied skeletal hands floated around him, each holding a brightly colored present that didn't look like it belonged in the hands of one of the most feared crime bosses in Ebott county.

Spark saw the moment they noticed him, all three looking mildly surprised as their pips locked onto his eyes. Then Red's face clouded into a "oh hell no" look.

Shit shit shit shit!

"hey, it's uncle marcellus's family," Sans said casually, like this was just normal.

"… What?"

"yeah, uncle marcellus's husband was a crime boss," Rus explained in a bored tone. "his kid took over the family business when he passed. say, isn't that your business?"

"… What?"

"what do you mean "what?"" Rus asked in exasperation, "don't you know what you do for a living?"

"hey there, sansy, how's my favorite cousin been?"

Spark startled as Sans was pulled out from under his arm. There Red suddenly was, hugging Sans close with a sharp grin.

"suddenly i'm everyone's favorite cousin this year." Sans gave a dramatic sigh.

"what? i got competition?"

"what do you want, red?"

"i jus' wanted ya to introduce me to this guy, i didn't know ya was datin' anyone."

"RED, COME ALONG. YOU CAN TALK WITH YOUR COUSINS LATER."

"aw, c'mon dad…"

"NOW, RED. UNCLES FIRST, THIS CAN WAIT."

Red huffed and glared at Spark, then shoved his hands in his pockets and trailed after his father and brother.

Rus whistled, "man, he does NOT seem to like you."

"… You're related to the Gasters?!"

"you didn't know?" Sans asked with a quirk of his brow. "i figured you'd have done a background check by now."

"besides that," Rus cut in, "don't you see the family resemblance?"

"… You don't look like you're related to sharks!"

"that's just 'cause they're part ghost," Rus said helpfully.

"i do think it's pretty cool you didn't just assume all skeletons are related," Sans added with a consoling pat on Spark's arm.

"… How did I not know? Wait, how did Red not know? He never mentioned it!"

"oh, so you do know each other."

"… We… uh…" Spark glanced over at where the Gasters were talking with their grandfather, who is Sans's great uncle, then back down at Sans, "… Yes?"

"i need a bowl of popcorn really badly right now."

Sans shot a glare Rus's way, it did nothing to diminish Rus's clear glee. "how about we take this someplace a little more private?" Sans took Spark's elbow and started leading him away.

"can i come?"

"no."

"party pooper."

Sans was leading Spark towards the house, presumably to find some unoccupied room to sit and talk in. Unfortunately it put them right in the path of the two young Gasters as they swooped down on them. Edge peeled Sans off and led him away at an oblique angle while Red had Spark in a hold that probably looked friendly on the outside but was far too tight as he took over leading him into the house.

"hey old buddy, old pal, frienderino…"

"… If this is just the shovel talk his brothers already gave me it."

"see, i would jus' leave it at that, except i think we're well past the "if" part of the shovel talk itself. now clearly i slipped up somehwere, even with tryin' to give sansy and his bros their space usually we know gen'rally what's goin' on in their lives. jus' to make sure it's all going smooth, capiche? so i ain't sure how long 'zactly ya been datin', but it must be pretty serious if he brought ya to the reunion."

Spark snorted, "… Wish I knew it was a reunion before arriving and getting blindsided by easily ten times the family members I expected."

"you hush, i wasn't finished yet. now as i was sayin', i don't take kindly to my family bein' called someone's "sweet li'l side piece," so the moment ya get back home yer gonna call up yer main squeeze an' any other li'l side pieces ya got lyin' around an' yer gonna dump 'em all."

"… What?!"

"that or yer gonna let sansy down real gentle like and then stay the fuck outta his life. ackchuly i like that one better, let's go with that plan."

"… There isn't anyone else!" Spark shook out of Red's grip, then spun and turned his burning eyes on Red. "… I would never cheat on Sans!"

Red snorted, "then why'd ya call him a side piece?"

"… Because I didn't want you looking into him!"

Red quirked a brow at him, and now that Spark knew to look that brow quirk was awfully familiar. "you didn't want me checkin' in on my own cousin?"

"… I didn't know you were related!" Spark threw his hands up in the air. Then he realized how badly out of control his temper had gotten. He ran his hands through the flames on his head, then took a deep breath and let it out slowly, a plume of smoke releasing from his mouth. "… We both dropped the ball on this one, you really think I wouldn't have mentioned dating a relative of yours?"

"i did think it was a bit weird ya wouldn't use that as a foot in, yer obviously pretty desperate to get in good with one or the other of the families 'round town."

"… Stuffy old money too spoiled to know what it's like to have to work your way up." Seemed like he was burning his bridges today. Welp!

To Spark's surprise, Red just laughed. Then he ambled a little closer and reached over to straighten out Spark's lapels. "i like that, it's nice to see ya got some self respect after all. alright, if we got this li'l misunderstandin' cleared up we can get back to the party. sansy prob'ly thinks i'm embarrassin' him right now."

"… More like embarrassing yourself."

"like ya ain't?"

"… Oh I'm sure. I suppose Sans and I are going to have to sit down and have a bit of a chat later."

Red snorted, "have fun with that." They headed back out of the house, passing by the kitchen where Sugar, Papyrus, and Impact (all three now wearing flower crowns) were peeking out of the doorway with wide, glittering eyes. They stepped out onto the porch and looked over the crowd, it actually wasn't easy to spot Sans or Edge in the crowd. "say, before we get back to it, why were ya talkin' so much 'bout how pretty sansy is last week?"

"… Because he is? All smooth and round, surprisingly dainty once you get his ratty clothes off, and that gentle smile always on his face. Looks real good all flushed and needy too." Oh shit, he probably shouldn't say that in front of a relative of Sans.

"eh, i guess he's kinda pretty. honestly i like 'em with a bit more bite." Red nodded towards a pair of skeletons, one was wearing a purple vest with eye searing blue fake fur, pants even tighter than Edge's, tall gogo boots, and little else, the other was slouched over and wearing a hoodie with the hood pulled up over a baseball cap, tracksuit pants, and worn out sneakers. Spark knew from experience the scantily clad skeleton had a similar willowy build to Sans, similar round, smooth bones without a blemish on them, similar round skull.

And then Spark remembered that this was a family reunion and Red was eyeing up one or more of his cousins.

There was not enough brain bleach in the world.

"… I'm going to go find Sans now."

"have fun, tell him i said hi and give my approval. for now."

"… Sure, I'll tell him alright." Spark stepped down the porch and started weaving through the crowd, he hoped Sans would be near the last place they had been. Or at least Rus would be and he could hopefully point him in the right direction.

"AH, MISTER GRILLBY."

Spark stopped short, "Don Gaster."

"TUT TUT, NONE OF THAT HERE. ONE MAY BE UNABLE TO SEPARATE FAMILY FROM BUSINESS WHEN ONE'S BUSINESS IS THE FAMILY, BUT THERE ARE LIMITS. IN LIGHT OF THAT I WILL KEEP THIS SHORT, I WISH TO SPEAK WITH YOU ABOUT OUR SHIPPING AGREEMENT. EDGE CAN ARRANGE A MEETING AFTER WE RETURN HOME."

Spark smiled brightly, "… I would be delighted."

"EXCELLENT, NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I HAVEN'T SEEN MY UNCLES SINCE LAST YEAR AND WISH TO SIT AND CHAT WITH THEM."

Spark nodded, "… I was just looking for Sans."

"HMMM… GOOD LUCK WITH THAT."

Spark couldn't help the sardonic smirk across his face, "… Thank you."

Gaster nodded, then turned and headed up the porch. Spark turned and headed deeper into the crowd. Eventually he spotted Sans over by one of the snack tables. With a great sense of relief he walked up behind his datemate and wrapped his arms around his waist, leaned down so his chin rested on Sans's shoulder.

"wha? oh, hey, there you are. how was the interrogation?"

"… Terrible, you should feel awful for me."

Sans reached up to pat his head, "there, there, it's over now. how about something to eat? that always perks me up." He offered up his plate.

Spark grabbed all the little pigs in blankets and shoved them into his mouth. As the magic incorporated into his mana he did feel better.

"and if you want to get away from the crowd for a while there's plenty to do around here. we can go in the bounce house with the kids, or go out to the barn and help muck out stalls, there's a chicken coop, a gazebo at the edge of the garden, or we can go find some hay to roll in."

"… You can stop teasing me."

Sans laughed, "sorry, guess i went a little too far. but seriously, we can go inside or even out to the car if you want to just sit alone for a bit."

"… No, I'm better now. It was just all very surprising."

"yeah, no kidding. but here i thought you already knew."

Spark straightened up, "… Alright, any other family members you want to introduce me to?"

Sans laughed again, "sure. kern's been hunted down, along with uncle webdings and uncle arial if you're up for meeting the rest of my immediate relatives. well, until uncle georgia gets back from picking up the cake."

Spark smiled, "… Sure, that sounds good." He slung an arm over Sans's shoulder, who responded by putting an arm around Spark's waist. Hopefully the rest of the reunion wouldn't have anymore surprises.

---

Notes: I chose the last name Sanserif because I thought it was funny. I just... listen! The name Comic Sans Sanserif must be like being named Eugene Smith Smithson. XD

This one felt like a hit of inspiration! I realized that Crop is kind of a pun, it can be either the crops you grow on a farm or it can be a font related verb. Okay, words getting cropped is more of a graphic design thing than a strictly font thing, but it's still a pun. Then I realized that his brother needed to be named Kern, it can be short for Kernel (like a kernel of corn) or Kerning (the space between letters). At least this one's more obviously font related, even if just barely. Also naming their father "Merriweather" was just a random cute font name I liked, and sounded marginally farming related.

As delightful as the names Blue and Stretch are, I really wanted a theme for each family, so to keep them relatively closely related to the UT boys I wanted font names. I've always wanted to have Papyrus and Rus be named for the same grandparent, so I finally got to use that little piece. Then for Blue I decided to use Impact because 1. it's the meme font and 2. it feels like a very uppercase font even when it's the lowercase letters. It just seems very appropriate for Blue. Also I once saw someone mention that since farming is a very labor intensive job clearly Crop was the real swap Sans all along, so here swap Sans is living on a farm with his cousins keeping the place running. Their dad is Webdings, but he's off in the background somewhere staying away from all that pesky family drama. xD

For the Horrortale boys I decided to keep their generally accepted nicknames because they aren't related, they married in. I suppose the same could be said for the Underfell boys, but for them I used the excuse that they're part ghost and are probably following some ghost naming traditions instead. The three Semi grandpas are all named after semi-serif fonts, I had a lot of fun with that.