116"Since you haven't complained all afternoon, I take it you like your new CPO," I say with a smug smile as Welch has informed me that Mia got along swimmingly well with her.
"Oh God, yes, you'd think she was one of my friends unless someone told you otherwise. She doesn't stick out like a sore thumb. She is good, yesterday in Neiman Marcus she knew this boy was about to snatch a purse before it even happened."
Did she do anything to help?"
"No, she said for all we knew it was a ploy to get her away from me." I was annoyed at first, but then when she said that I understood. "She said the attempt was too obvious… clearly designed to attract attention." Mia added.
Had Mia's answer been any different, she'd be gone this minute I don't care how much Mia likes her.
"I have to get going I have someone coming to look at the room," Mia says the dejection in her voice clear as day. She has been looking for near on six months and still hasn't found anyone who wasn't there because of who she was related to or hoping the rich Grey girl would look past the fact they couldn't really afford to leave in her condo and pay their way for them. I know Mia didn't do away with most of her social circle to find herself saddled with another leech.
Elliot and I took the opportunity to follow Mia out as she left.
"I will come with you, I have yet to see your condo," I tell her, and she smiles.
"Excellent, will you stay for dinner?"
"Sure, why not," I say with a smile of my own. It's been a while since I spent time with Mia. "What is this one like?" I ask Mia, who seems confident about this one.
"She can afford it, hell I think she can afford the entire condo, but she travels a lot, and needs a place for nine months. She works for one of these tech companies can't remember which one.
The rest of the drive is taken in comfortable silence, and I take the opportunity to answer a few emails.
"Oh, she's here already," Mia says excitedly. I stay in the car finishing up an email to allow her to chat with her would-be roommate. "Chris." I hear her call, and when I look up, I am met with the sight of the one who not only turned my life upside down in one night but also got away. My thoughts immediately to that faithful night.
If she wants to go over the contract now, who am I to say no. If things go according to plan, I will have a new sub come morning. I will spend all night convincing her if need be. Naturally, I would have preferred to have the negotiating done in the horizontal position, but evidently, I can't have it all.
I quickly grab a bottle of wine and head up to the playroom. I have to admit, Ana's idea to talk about it in there is smart. She knows nothing of the lifestyle so… yeah, she can see exactly what I'm talking about when we talk about the equipment and toys. Anastasia Steele will be my sub come morning.
"Wine." I offer sitting on the bed.
"No, I need to keep a clear head." She mumbles already reading the contract.
"The fundamental rules are pretty straight forward." She nods in agreement.
"The rest, you are going to have to break it down for me." She says, looking up at me.
"Understandable," I say with a smile. "We will skip the rules for now and come to them as needed," I add.
"Now… availability." I take a sip of my wine.
"Can I just read it, and if I have any questions or concerns, then we will discuss it." She suggests biting that goddamn lip again. She sees my look and immediately releases her lip.
"Sounds perfect to me," I say with a beaming smile.
"12 The submissive will make herself available to the Dominant from Friday evenings through to Sunday afternoons each week during the Term at times to be specified by the Dominant ("the Allotted Times"). Further allocated time can be mutually agreed on an ad hoc basis.
13 The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the submissive's rights under clauses 2-5 and 8 above." She looks at me, and I know I'm not going to like it before she speaks.
You want me to spend every weekend with you. If I'm working Monday to Friday and then spending every weekend with you, when will I have time for just me, my father, my friend, my chores?"
"Right, how about three weekends and a weekday." I can compromise.
"Three weekends, I am prepared to do three weekends."
"Ana, you will be surprised how little time three weekends a month is…"
"Mr. Grey, three weekends, and that is that." Well, fuck me sideways, Miss Steele has teeth.
"Three weekends it is." I agree, intending to change her mind at a later date. When she realizes how good it can be, changing her mind will be easy enough.
"15.5 The Dominant may discipline the Submissive as necessary to ensure the Submissive fully appreciates her role of subservience to the Dominant and to discourage unacceptable conduct. The Dominant may flog, spank, whip or corporally punish the Submissive as he sees fit, for purposes of discipline, for his own personal enjoyment, or for any other reason, which he is not obliged to provide." She reads that appendix with such disdain I am taken aback.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but it says you are allowed to beat me for no reason whatsoever. Because what I'm reading here says 'or for any other reason, which he is not obliged to provide."
"We are running before we can walk." We are a long way from the heavy shit.
"Really, because it's here in black and white. This is your contract, so how am I running before I can walk. You have a contract that says you can flog, spank, whip or corporally punish me simply because you enjoy it. What the fuck about me? What do I get out of you beating me?" I run my fingers through my hair in frustration. I have never had to go through the contract this thoroughly before. My former subs simply read it… that is if they even bothered. Truthfully we usually went straight to the hard and soft limits, and that was that
"Ana, we are a long way from that… this is just to give you an idea of what I want going forward."
"The idea that you can beat me because you are in the mood and I have to take it because it says so. No, no, no, no, no, absolutely not."
"Strike that… how about punishment when deserved." I barely get a nod before she is back to reading the contract.
"I am your property…" I heard that off before she can say anymore.
"Please, don't read too much into that."
"Hard not to." She mumbles but thankfully moves on.
"You know what… all I see are things I do for your pleasure. So far, I haven't seen a single line about what I get out of this. What exactly do I get out of being your property?" She sneers, and I actually flinch. We have just begun, and so far, this is not going my way. "So far, all I see is my getting beat for your enjoyment…" she is still stuck on that. "This is all you, you, you, not one fucking thing for me in here. Why the fuck will I agree to this?"
"You get me." It's as simple as that; God knows subs are lining up to be sitting where she is.
"What about you, do I get?" Her question throws me. "Explain how exactly I get you." She puts the contract down and stares intently at me. I was always enough, but it appears with Miss Steele; I am not. "I swear I read something about not looking at you, not touching you, not talking to you, don't get to spend time with you… so if I can't do any of that, how do I get you?" I am beginning to see my folly. She is not a sub, she is shy and innocent but definitely not a sub.
"I will take care of you, I will give you whatever you need while you are my sub. I will provide you with a car, clothes, finances if need be… an apartment. I will even pay off your student loans." What do you think about that?
"So, effectively, you will pay me to be your sub. Tell me something, Mr. Grey, what about me gave you the impression that I was a whore." Things just took a sharp turn.
"Ana, you are not a whore; that is not what this is about. Effectively, you are saying all women who practice BDSM are whores. You are acting rather ignorant."
"Well, duh… of course, I'm ignorant, up until a few hours ago, I had zero knowledge of this lifestyle. How the hell are you surprised that I am ignorant of all this." She waves her arms around the room.
"Good point well made." I concede, indeed she is ignorant of this lifestyle. "That being said, you are not a whore…"
"You intend to financially reward me in exchange for sex... I don't know about you, but that sounds to me like the oldest profession in the world." She looks at me waiting for me to contradict her. Mercifully, she carries on, saving me from having to answer. I couldn't have known it, but much later that question would eat away at me. "So, you mean to tell me that your previous subs would have put up with this contract if you didn't pay them?" I run my fingers through my hair in frustration. I want to so badly say yes, but I realize it is highly unlikely any of them would have done so without all the incentives that came with it.
"Whatever, I don't want any money, car, clothes, or anything else. That is not what interests me… you do, and yet I don't get you while you get everything you want. Tell me, is that fair?"
"Ana, I know from the contract it sounds one-sided, but give it a chance, and I promise you, you will enjoy every second of it."
"I doubt that very much after reading about canes, belts, and whips." She counters.
"The punishments will be tailored to what you can take…"
"And what if what I can take is absolutely nothing." Jesus, help me, maybe I should try to get her to come work for me. I've had negotiations for hundreds of millions in assets that weren't this difficult. "Mr. Grey, it's clear you can't give me what I want, and I certainly can't either.
"Were you ever spanked as a child?" I refuse to give in.
"No."
"Then you have no idea what your limitations are," I say gleefully. "Try it before you dismiss it."
"I've never tried arsenic before either, but I know I don't want to… ever." I don't have a comeback for that… nothing. "Why this… and not a regular loving relationship?"
"This is who I am," I say simply. "Love is for fools," I add as her jaw drops.
"I'm sorry, did you just say this is who you are? Surely you mean this is what you do or even a part of who you are. My God, we are more than just our sexual preference." She looks horrified, why I don't know.
"No, you heard me right." I bark, my frustrations getting the better of me.
"I see. Well, guess what, I am a romantic at heart, a hearts and flowers girl. That is who I am." I have to give it to her. I just handed her a game-winning line.
"Very well…"
"You actually get girls to agree to this. A list of rules made up just so you have an excuse to beat them." I have to remember she knows nothing about the lifestyle.
"BDSM…"
"But we are not talking about BDSM in general, we are talking about the way you practice it. These are your rules, not a generalized list of BDSM rules that applies to every practitioner" I have barely finished a sentence. I am surprised to find myself out of my dept. I am out talked, outwitted by someone who knows nothing because I have never had to negotiate this part of the contract. If she willing to keep talking, so am I… just maybe at some point, I will find the catalyst that changes her mind.
"Yes, you will be surprised by the number of girls who pay little if any attention to that part of the contract. We talk about the limits and the rules." Christian answers with some confidence. It was very true; none of his previous submissives gave two shits about the rules.
"And not a single one has questioned these rules. Rules about what to eat, when to sleep, and when to exercise. All of a sudden, their lives have become about doing what you want even when they are not with you, and they don't question it. I mean you picked them because they were healthy and beautiful and yet it's no longer suitable even though they've done it their whole lives and it has worked perfectly fine. I do this. I have to change my sleep pattern, my eating habits and take up exercising. I am twenty-one years old, paid my own way through college; both my parents live miles away. I worked in a hardware store to help me financially, but according to you, it's not good enough even though it has served me well for years."
"Yes, my previous subs were all perfectly happy with these rules, and when they broke them, they were punished." It is what it is, I do realize that I somewhat have to justify it to her, but right now I don't know-how. What I need is time, time to think about this. I need to strategize and…
"I guess when you can get money, a car, and a home out of it, why not." Ana's head snaps up and seems to come to a realization. "Oh, I see..." She chuckles. "It's just another form of control, isn't it. Even when they are not with you, you need to control them, hence the rules about sleep, food, and exercise. It has nothing to do with them. Again, this is all about you." She says, bringing my plans to a halt.
"Ana…"
"It's safe to say this is goodbye." Shit, I need time.
"It's late, why don't you sleep in the guest room and in the morning I will drive you back to Portland." She nods, and I'm jumping for joy inside. Tomorrow I will have worked out an argument for every single one of her concerns. It never occurred to me that I had never really paid much attention to the contract since I drafted it or rather since Elena helped me drafted it.
"How did you get into this?" I run my fingers through my hair with a smile. She is still talking, and about BDSM, this is good, very good indeed.
"My mother's friend introduced me to the lifestyle… saved my life, really. I had a very difficult childhood when I became a teen that childhood crept up on me. I started having nightmares, fighting just to feel some kind of touch, I drunk to the point of passing out, I'd be dead if it were not for her." I lean against the wall, as has she. "My mom sent me to her house to clean rubble from her backyard when I got expelled from yet another school. I was a fifteen-year-old hor…." She looks at me in horror.
"Fifteen." She whispers. "You were introduced to that at fifteen." The horrified look is still prevalent.
"You have to understand were it not for her and this lifestyle I'd be dead in a gutter somewhere." I defend.
"It doesn't change the fact that she is an adult of your mother's age who thought it wise to seduce a fifteen-year-old boy. I'm sorry, but she is a pedophile." I find myself growling in anger.
"I was more than a willing participant," I argue.
"Willing or not, she is a pedophile, and I task you to find one person other than the pedophile who will disagree with me. Just one person and I will agree to every stipulation in your contract." She can make such a deal because she knows I will not find such a person. Evidently, my silence speaks volumes. "Defend her all you want, but deep down, you know any decent, sane human being will agree with me."
"Are you saying I'm not sane or decent?" I ask petulantly.
"I don't know you, and I'm sure those that do will say you are." She says then takes a deep breath. "You know what… my father's closest friend has PTSD from his Army days… years down the line, he is still affected so severely by it. You found something that helped you with your childhood trauma so much so, you went on to become a billionaire. You will never convince me that the woman who introduced you to this, is not a pedophile, but this lifestyle makes you happy, your nightmares have stopped, you have stopped fighting… your childhood trauma is no longer an issue in your life. This lifestyle is not for me and never will be, but clearly, it has done wonders for you. If more people like you came out and sung the praises of BDSM and what it has done for you, of course leaving out the pedo-bitch, people like me wouldn't be so ignorant of it." She pushes herself off the wall. "Where am I sleeping?"
It takes me a second to realize she asked a question. "Erm… this way." I walk her to the room Mia usually uses. I find some of Mia's clothes, hoping she would feel more comfortable. Just before I walk out of the room, she asks a question. "Did you say love is for fools?" She asks.
"Yes," I answer simply.
"So, you don't know anyone in love?"
"Of course, I do, my parents, grandparents, COO… several, in fact."
"And you consider them all fools."
"No, why would you think that?"
"You just said love is for fools, so it stands to reason that in your view they are all fools or did I miss something," I say nothing for a few seconds, and she quickly realizes I'm not going to answer, simply because I don't have one. It was such a simple question, and yet it had thrown one of my core beliefs out the window, except it wasn't my belief, it was Elena's. I run my fingers through my hair, feeling something akin to panic settling in my gut.
"Do you have any siblings?"
"An older and a younger sister… she's your age." I smile, thinking about Mia.
"How would you feel if you found out that your sister was coerced into this by a Dom such as yourself, with a similar contract and these rules." Without any conscious effort on my part, my jaws tighten, a low menacing growl leaves me. I find my hands are balled up so tightly my nails are digging into my palms quite painfully. Yes, I'm aware of the almighty hypocrisy of it all, but fuck, I don't want this for my sister.
"You wouldn't want this life for your sister, but you have no qualms about dragging me… a young girl who knows nothing about the lifestyle into it. Am I less than your sister? I have no issue with women who choose this lifestyle, that is their choice, but I didn't and yet you have no qualms about trying to drag me into it with the promise of trinkets and financial security. Worse, I have the feeling if I looked into it, I will find your brand of BDSM highly unacceptable in the community." The shame that engulfs me leaves me speechless. I wanted to argue her point, but I could not find the words. I walk out of her room and into my study and pour myself a large glass of whiskey.
I spend the rest of the night in my study, drinking, and a hollow laugh leave me when her words hit me.
"You found something that helped you with your childhood trauma so much, so you went on to become a billionaire. You will never convince me that the woman who introduced you to this is not a pedophile, but this lifestyle makes you happy, your nightmares have stopped, you have stopped fighting… your childhood trauma is no longer an issue in your life. This lifestyle is not for me and never will be, but clearly, it has done wonders for you."
Except I am not happy, my nightmares haven't stopped, I still can't be touched, and here I am trying to drink away my shame. My childhood abuse still affects me as though it happened yesterday. I am barely living; I go from one day to the next just existing. So the question is, what has BDSM genuinely done for me.
I fell into a drunken stupor, and when I woke up, it was nearly midday. I bolted upright, going in search of Ana. I didn't make it far as I found a note on my desk.
Christian
I have to get back to Portland, and
it's clear you are in no state to
drive. Taylor has arranged for a
friend of his to take me home.
Goodbye, Ana.
I saw her again at her graduation. She took her diploma, shook my hands, and by the time I was done talking to the chancellor and a few other people, she was gone. I wanted to talk to her, I just didn't know what about. I was still warring with the revelations she unwittingly revealed. I had yet to talk to Flynn about it all… one thing I was sure of was that I had wasted more than a decade and an insane amount of money on a lifestyle that did nothing for me. The thought was sobering, and after nearly three years, it's still is.
Later that day, I knew I was unlikely to see her again when Elliot told me Kate was not happy with Ana because, at the last minute, she had opted to stay in Portland for reasons she had refused to divulge. I tried finding her with no success. Now there she is standing in front of me.
"Ana," I call out in shock.
"Mr. Grey." She greets with a sharp nod of her head and immediately turns her attention to Mia.
Mia looks between her and me and clears her throat. "Come with me… I will… erm, show you the room." Mia says, clearly flustered. After years of talking about Ana, she has finally met her in the most unexpected way.
I follow, trying to wrack my brain around suddenly, seeing her after all this time. I wanted to tell her how right she was about everything. How she had opened my eyes to the truth. Annoyingly, Flynn had his own way tried to get me to see what Ana saw, but I steadfastly refused to engage. I was so desperate for Ana, I could not walk away as I did with Flynn, and I heard it all.
I am an intelligent man, but how I never saw it all still baffles me. Flynn tells me it's the genius of predators, and that was what Elena was. Apart from money, success, and a string of subs, my life was no different from the fifteen-year-old Elena got her claws into. I spent weeks after Ana effectively disappeared learning the truth about BDSM, thanks to, of all people, Flynn. He had a Patient willing to talk to me. She took one look at my contract and told me she was not a prostitute. A stark reminder of Ana's words. She eviscerated my contract, something that did not come as much of a surprise, because Ana, with her complete lack of knowledge, had pretty much done the same.
I was well aware of the fact that the contract was entirely about me, but I made up for it with financial security, I effectively paid for their submission. Submission was earned, not bought, I had learned that day. Ana was unwilling to sell hers, she hadn't been the first, but had been the first to somehow open my eyes to that fact. Elena, it seemed made it a point to make sure subs knew I rewarded their submission handsomely, and it was obvious most were willing to sell theirs. Nine of the fifteen only agreed to be my subs because of the financial incentives, and not because they saw me as a Dom who was capable of earning or even deserved their submission. It was a sobering discovery. I cut ties with Elena, sold my share of Esclava, removed my backing with the banks, and left her to it. She tried to use my mother, and I was forced to tell my family the truth. My parent's actions had more effect on her than mine did. She could always earn money, after my actions, but my parent's actions left her with little to no clients. Her social standing in Seattle took a huge hit and she was soon forced to declare bankruptcy. Last I heard she was trying to start over in Denver.
"So, what do you think?" I look up and find we are in Mia's condo, and she has shown Ana around. I stare at her and realize she looks different… confident, with an air of authority. I don't know what else was said, but as she walks away, Mia looks somewhat dejected. "Another one bites the dust." She mumbles. "I think she made her decision the minute she saw you. Most people are desperate to take the room because of you… not her." Without a word, I chase after Ana, the elevator doors close just as I exit the condo. I take the stairs like a man possessed and thank God for my obsessive need to work out. I run out into the street and look around desperately.
"ANA," I shout as she opens her car door. "If you are not taking the room because of me, please reconsider."
"I like my privacy and freedom, and I don't think I'm going to get that with you around. I only need a place for a few months, and no realtor will rent me a place unless I sign a twelve-month contract minimum."
"Why would…"
"The man that got a background check on me minutes after meeting me and then stalking me to my workplace and lying about it…"
"I see," I mumble, interrupting her.
"Yes, I'm sure you do."
"For my sister's sake, I will leave you alone. I'm sure Mia would have told you eventually. Last year a man from a company I acquired had apparently been targeting my family for years because they adopted me instead of him. He kidnapped Mia asking for five million dollars. The ordeal really affected all of us, especially Mia… my sister has never been the same. She struggles to live alone, but she moved out of my parents because Mia knew if she hadn't, she'd never be able to leave."
"I wondered why she was looking for a roommate when it is obvious she can afford her condo," Ana mumbled.
"I will leave you alone… I just… why did you disappear?"
"Disappear?" She questions.
"You were nowhere to be found after your graduation."
"Jason, had a friend of his drive me back to Portland. We talked, and by the time I got home, I had a job in London, and I took it. The UK has always been a dream of mine, I could not turn it down. Kate knew where I was, always had. Hell, she visited me a few times." Fucking Kavanagh. The lying bitch knew the entire time and had me believing she was as distraught at Ana's sudden disappearance as I was. "I will think about the room." She adds and quickly gets into her car. It takes me a second to notice she's driving the latest BMW M3 convertible.
"So that's Ana," Mia says when I get back to her condo.
"Yeah," I mutter, still in shock. "Did you know Kate knew where she was the entire time?" I tell her shaking my head.
"They are best friends, and from what you told me, I'm not surprised she was protecting her friend." She says with a shrug. "I don't know the kind of girl it takes to be a sub; whatever it is, I just don't see it with this one." She adds.
"I was so blinded by what I wanted I didn't see it either… until it was too late. Truth be told, it takes all kinds to be a sub, but Ana wasn't and isn't one… it's that simple." I just didn't see it.
Despite my promise not to check on Ana, come Monday morning I'm itching to do just that. I pick up the phone to call Welch and promptly drop it back down. I know what I want from her, it was the same thing she wanted from me. I couldn't give it to her then, but I can now. I intend to romance the socks of Anastasia Steele if it is the last thing I do.
