25A/N: Disclaimer; I owe the story line and any new characters. Anything that has to do with fifty shades belongs to EL James.
CHAPTER ONE:
"I didn't say I slept with him, but I also didn't say I didn't see his dick."
"KATE," I covered my face in horror. It was just after nine a.m. on a Friday morning, far too early for her to be talking about her latest conquest. I aimed an apologetic smile at the wide-eyed receptionist sitting behind her desk across from us, and wondered if I closed my eyes would the power of my anxiety make me disappear? I hated any kind of attention on me, but Kate was polar-opposite to me. The more attention she got the better. If it wasn't because she was dearest to my heart, I would've had been more concerned about her need to be the center of attention.
When I glared back at her, she mouthed, "Well I did, and it was the biggest I have ever seen." My so-called best friend proudly shared as if the size of her new boy toys' manhood matter to me. Kate had always been an over-sharer and her open relationship left her with a lot to share. To her defense, she always kept it one hundred percent with me. Her gorgeous hazel eyes, with her impeccable eyelashes, always gave it to me straight, even if it upset me. For someone like me that was refreshing, but also at times annoying.
"You can see we are not alone in the room, right?" I angrily asked as I stared at the door with the words that had engraved Dr. Ackerman Therapist into the frosted glass.
"Relax, she looks like she has a stick up her butt anyway." she nonchalantly whispered fixing her hair which was a dirty blonde. Her white-toothed smile was in full blast, she was one to smile at any awkward situation. Kate had no shame bone in her body and at times it got her in trouble. My thoughts went back to a specific time in middle school where her mouth had got her in serious trouble. She would often get into fights and the beatings she would receive because of the lack of her being able to shut her mouth were frightening. 'Your Mom is sleeping with your teacher'. Those had been the words that had gotten her suspended after the girl had pushed her down and took all her anger into Kates' face.
"Ana Steele?" I was saved from more embarrassment when my name got called by the receptionist who wrinkled her nose at me with a sense of superiorness. I knew what she was thinking; Oh, look another bimbo with issues enough to require a therapist. I wanted to explain to her I was far from that, but my fear of confrontation was at a high today.
"You're the worst, I swear," I told Kate before I followed the receptionist with my head low, damn Kate and her uncensored mouth. Why did I ask her to come with me? oh, right because you are scared to walk the streets alone. I rolled my eyes as I remembered the last time, I'd attempted that. It had ended horribly.
"Enjoy your session, I'll be here ready to embarrass you more when you are done," she shouted after me as she reached for one of the trashy magazines on the glass table.
I walked down the hallway and to the first room on the left. Doctor Ackerman was sitting behind her desk and brought her gaze up when she heard me at the door. Doctor Ackerman was younger than the usual therapist with only having opened the office three months prior, she was new to the business and, this town, which I liked. It meant she could be biased and would not know anything about me.
She was also a very attractive woman. Her hair was a light shade of blond with a light brown undertone, which was neatly pulled back into a chignon and she was wearing a white cashmere sweater and black dress pants. She was the image of warmth and kindness.
"Good Morning Ana, please take a seat." Doctor Ackerman pointed at a sectional couch in the middle of her office which was not the typical therapist office. The well-known clinical feeling was not present, instead green plants were scattered throughout the room. On the right side of the room, there was a big dark brown grandfather clock. A painting of a light breathtaking blue sky decorated the left wall of the room with Doctor Ackerman's' diploma neatly placed beside it. The room gave a soothing effect and it almost made you forget where you really were, which I was sure was on purpose.
The room was not the only thing that separated this spacious office from previous therapist offices I'd seen, and oh boy had I seen my fair share of therapist. My therapy journey had started at the age of twelve years old. My aunt Bethany Steele had thought that a twelve-year-old who'd lost her parents in a plane crash needed to be in therapy twice a week. I pushed down the resentment issues I'd grown to have for her and focused on the now.
"Ana, how about we start with what made you decide to come today? she proposed as she sat across from me. She took her black frame glasses off and politely waited for my answer to her question. I inhaled a mouthful of air as I looked down at my burgundy red fingernails with the wonder of what she'd meant by the question? I begged my mind to stay focused, but all I could think about was how loudly and distracting the awful ticking of the grandfather clock was.
It made me wonder if previous clients had also been annoyed by the awful clock ticking? I allowed my mind for a split second to be angry at my aunt for forcing me to seek help again. She'd done it in a way that had made me wonder if she even loved me. I wish I'd never agreed to my aunts' terms. After all, everyone in Athens knew I'd done all the hard work to make Hug in a mug cafe what it was now. My famously known pastries kept the cafe open and out of financial trouble.
"Ana, did you hear me?" Dr. Ackerman brought me back to the conversation.
"I don't know what to say," I exclaimed anxiously.
"How about we start easy?" She encouraged me, " tell me something about yourself?"
"There is not a lot to me," I answered wanting this to be over already. The anxiety of sitting in front of her was overwhelmingly frightening.
"I'm sure that's not true Ana," She said writing something down on her tablet, "What do you do for a living?" she coaxed.
I took a deep breath and tried to relax, "I work at my aunts' restaurant. I don't know if you'd heard of it?... Hug in a mug cafe?"
"Oh, of course, they have amazing food." she smiled, "What do you do there?" she asked as she looked down at her tablet once again.
"I'm a pastry chef." I smiled as I said it. It had always been my happy place, baking cakes made me relax and kept my anxiety down.
"Wait is it you that makes the delicious peach tarts?"
I nodded my head feeling the heat rising to my cheeks.
"They are my favorite, you have talent."
I looked down at my nails as she said that, compliments made me feel flustered.
"How about your love life? Do you have a partner?" she quickly changes the conversation to a subject I was not comfortable talking about.
"No, I don't," I muffled. It had been years since the last relationship I'd had. I wasn't sure the right man for me was out there; a man who could handle all of my problems and insecurities.
Doctor Ackerman wrote more down, and it made me feel anxious, did she think I was weird for not having a man in my life?
"What is it that brought you here today Ana?" she bluntly said.
I took another deep breath and thought about her question. I had regretted coming here the moment I stepped foot into the elevator. My aunt had made it clear if I wanted to inherit Hug in a Mug Cafe I needed to work on my problems. I knew she had hated the moment I had stopped attending my therapy at the age of eighteen, but now she had another reason to force it upon me.
"My aunt thought it was time I dealt with my agoraphobia." I decided it was best to keep the part where I was completely manipulated by her to come here today.
"Why do you think she thought that?" she inquired.
"Because I don't really enjoy going out anywhere, I might have to face people... except the cafe, but I spend most of the day in the back and it is getting worse each day." I admittedly answered. I was surprised at how blunt I was being. I'd seen other therapists before, but none had been able to get me to feel comfortable enough to open up.
"When was the last time you were out in public aside from work?" Dr. Ackerman questioned, making me dread answering.
My gaze doesn't meet hers fearing what she will think of me as I answer. "Well, it depends on what you mean."
"Ana, when was the last time you went out with a friend or on a date?" Dr. Ackerman pushed me to open.
I stayed quiet thinking, "Two years." I quietly answered. The last man I had dated had made things worse. He had shared everything I had told him in confidence.
"Two years?" Dr. Ackerman looked surprised.
"Yes." I shyly answered her. "My last relationship didn't turn out well."
"Why do you think it didn't work out?"
"He didn't understand or accepted my agoraphobia," I answered truthfully.
"Agoraphobia is a serious disorder Ana. It is also hard for people to understand." She took a deep breath and asked her next question. "What made you decide you needed help now?" She asked moving closer to the edge of her seat.
"I'm afraid I'll eventually not be able to leave my house at all."
"How does that make you feel?"
"Scared," I admitted, I have been living a big nightmare for the last ten years since the awful accident that killed my parents.
"You must feel more than scared." She pushed me to look deeper into the matter.
"I'm afraid this horrible disorder will end my life," I whispered my darkest feeling. I knew I was close to losing myself to the disorder.
"Agoraphobia can seem scary and I'm glad you decided to get help." Dr. Ackerman smiled. "I have a program that might work for you. However, it requires a lot of commitment, but it has had great results with other patients that I have treated with this kind of disorder."
"I think I'm ready to do that." I truthfully answered. This had started because of my aunt, yet everything Dr. Ackerman had said made sense to me.
"Before we get into that, how about you tell me about your parents?"
I took a deep breath as it is hard for me to speak about my parents. "They passed away when I was very young."
"How old were you when they died?"
I brought my gaze up for a second and then looked back down at the floor, "I was twelve."
Dr. Ackerman stayed quiet for a moment, "That's a horrible age to lose both parents."
"It was horrible. I had to move from New York to Alabama and into my aunts' house. I didn't talk for a whole year."
"I can understand how that could've had been awful for you Ana, a lot of the times trauma like the death of parents can bring a side of us we didn't know we had." she moved closer to the edge of her seat, "Before we get into the program, I need to ask you a question. I like to ask this question to all my patients."
"Oh?" I said wondering what she was about to ask me.
"How committed are you on your recovery?" Dr. Ackerman asked, and I knew I needed to be truthful if I wanted this to work out.
"I'm not sure how committed I can be with something that scares me this much." I bring my gaze up once more to look at Dr. Ackerman and I could see no judgment in her face.
"What scares you the most?"
"The fact that I need to sit here and talk to you."
"I bet it makes you anxious," she told me, and I knew she understood me.
I nodded my head in mutual agreement.
"I believe you need to take small steps Ana; the time you take isn't the problem. You need to do it at your own time without triggering your anxiety. Perhaps you need to follow the five steps."
"The five steps?" I asked confused.
"Yes. How about you try to work on step number one for our next session?" Dr. Ackerman asked, and I agreed. "The first step is to go out and introduce yourself to one new person. Perhaps writing what you want to say could work for you. Maybe it can be a customer at the restaurant you work at, or at the park. I want you to write everything you feel after you do so, and I'll see you back in two weeks."
I thought about everything Dr. Ackerman had said and decided that the only way to move on with my life was to fix myself. "I will try it," I said loudly and prepared myself to face the biggest challenge of my life.
