Hi! Welcome to the crack/parody fic in which Dracula and Agatha have nine kids and Agatha learns she's pregnant with their tenth. Mitsukatsu and I were joking about the idea and I had to write it! If there are any plot holes it's okay because it's a crack fic! Enjoy! -Jen

The Dracula Bunch

Whitby, England, 1917

"And you're sure? Positively, absolutely sure?"

Dracula watched as his wife paced to and fro in their room, her usually neatly done hair in quite a messy. Her brows were knitted tight together as a deep set frown graced her fair features. Agatha was stressed. No. No, she was quite sure she was about to have a panic attack.

"I've gone through eight pregnancies and given birth to nine children, I know what the symptoms are." The former nun exhaled heavily, finally turning to face him. "I know without a doubt that I am pregnant."

Pregnant. Again. Christ-not that he believed there was one, but he was going to have a tenth child. The both of them were. Dracula pinched the brim of his nose, and closed his eyes. He had to hold it together. For Agatha's sake. But while he desired a big family, unlike his wife, never had they envisioned nine children, much less ten.

"But I thought you were tracking your cycle. I thought you said it was okay to have sex when we did."

Agatha wound around, her eyes dark. "Don't you DARE turn this around on me, Count Dracula! You are just as guilty as I am. It takes two," she over exaggeratedly motioned at her stomach. "For conception to occur! So I advise you not to point your clawed finger at me. My hormones are unpredictable!"

Before Dracula could defend his actions, suddenly something smacked against the outside of their bedroom door. Or someone. Without skipping a beat, the sound of crying started and both parents looked at one another.

"Starlene," they both sighed in unison.

Agatha hurried to the door and opened it gently. The three year old stood there, tears streaming down from her bright blue eyes to her cheeks. On her forehead was a visible bump where she had smacked into the wood. Exhaling softly, the mother picked up her daughter, Starlene's arms wrapping around Agatha's neck.

"Star," she murmured, rubbing the girl's back. "What have Mummy and Daddy said about running around in the castle? You could really hurt yourself. Are you okay?"

"I bumped my head." he blubbered, hiding her face in Agatha's shoulder. "Victor was chasing me!"

Dracula's nostrils flared at his toddler's statement. Of course the older boys were rough-housing. Ignoring Agatha's insistence for him to stay back, he strode out of the room with the intent of finding both of his sons. Sometimes they could be really block-headed-Agatha claiming it was from his side of the family. Out of all nine of his children, Ivan and Victor took after him the most-especially the latter. He couldn't help but wonder if he was like this as a teenager those many centuries ago.

"Ivan!" Dracula called out sternly, looking around. "Victor?!"

Something crumbled, sending a few small stones and dust that landed on the vampire's head. Dracula closed his eyes, counting back from ten before opening them once more to glance up. On the ceiling, hanging like the bat, were both boys. Meeting his father's stare, Ivan gave him a sheepish grin before flipping back onto the ground. Victor followed suit.

"Mind telling me why you were chasing your baby sister?" Dracula inquired, arms folded over his chest. "She's just a baby. You two are nearly adults."

"Emma's a baby," Victor corrected, leaning against the wall. "Star wanted to play hide-and-go seek and we didn't see a problem with it. She's big enough to join in. And very good at it too." Ivan nodded in agreement. "Anyway, I stopped chasing her long ago. I picked up on someone else's trail."

"Dumitra, it's against the rules to shapeshift! I can smell you from a mile away! Come on out before I drag you out," Ivan yelled, cupping his hands over his mouth. "I can play just as dirty!"

As Dracula opened his mouth to condemn the action, his eldest son morphed into a large black wolf. With a loud howl that the vampire could almost swear shook the castle, he took off. No running. Was that such a hard rule to follow? It wasn't like he and Agatha ever asked much.

"Where's your sister?" The Count asked, turning back to his other son.

"Which one?" Victor scoffed, cocking an eyebrow. "I've got seven."

"Soon it could be eight." Dracula thought to himself, the idea of another child coming along seeming so surreal. Could they really manage another? "Sorina," he replied. "Where is she?"

"In Luna's and Willa's room, I think," Victor answered with a shrug. "They somehow talked her into playing dolls. At least, that's what she was doing half an hour ago while you and Mum were…" he quickly stopped himself. "You know what? I don't think I want to know what you guys were doing. Can I go now?"

"Just...no running please." Dracula sighed for the umpteenth time that day. "I have enough to deal with when it comes to your mother right now. The last thing I need is something to happen to one of you nine." Or ten.

Luna and Willa had both been a surprise. Not just because they were born after both Dracula and Agatha agreed they were done having kids, but because the girls were twins. Honestly, they did suspect something was up during Agatha's pregnancy. But when she went into labor and delivered Luna, only to then give birth to Willia minutes later, it was still rather shocking. Going from five to seven kids in a single day… Christ, let this baby be only one.

"No, Luna! That's my dolly!"

Dracula peered through a crack in the door to see Sorina sitting cross legged on the floor, both girls at either side. Willa was pouting, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. Arguing over a simple toy, he'd never understand it. Knocking on the wood, he stepped inside, all three pairs of eyes landing on him.

"Papa!" Willa proclaimed, hurrying to her feet. "Luna took my doll!"

"Nuh uh! I had it first!" Her twin declared, hugging the toy close. "'Sides, she's my dolly! Right, Riri?! Right?!"

Sorina's jaw set in an expression of frustration. Clearly, both girls had over exhausted her with this silly argument. "Willa, there is a doll just like that one in the toy chest," she said. "It looks just like the one that Luna has. I promise." Willa still seemed unconvinced, so her older sister stood up and went to the box. Within seconds of opening it, she found the toy and presented it. "See?"

The scowl faded from Willa's face as she left her father's side and quickly snatched the doll away from Sorina. Now pleased, she went back and sat beside her twin. As the girls began to make the two toys converse, Dracula gently took his daughter by her arm and led her out of ear shot.

"I need to talk to you about something." He began, almost unable to meet her eyes. "It's about your mother."

"What's wrong?" The halfling asked, searching her father's features for answers. "Is Mum okay?"

"Yes," he nodded. "Yes, she's fine...she's…"

"She's pregnant again, isn't she?"

Dracula and Sorina both turned to see Mila standing there, Emma happily babbling in her arms. A look of horror spread across the oldest girl's face as she looked from her younger sister and back to her father. When Dracula didn't deny the statement, Sorina covered her face with one hand.

"Really, Dad?! Another one?!" She groaned, leaning against the wall. "Mum's pregnant again?!"

"It was...unexpected," Dracula agreed. "But then again, most of you were!"

"That's not what you should say to someone to make them feel better," Mila snorted, shaking her head. Evidently, she was somewhat enjoying her eldest sister's frustration. "I dunno, maybe another baby would be good. What do you think, Emma?" She bounced the infant in her arms. "Maybe this time it will be triplets-."

"Don't say it!" Sorina cut in. "I'm going to tell you now, Dad, I am NOT babysitting. Mila, congratulations, you've just been promoted!" Grumbling to herself, she pushed past her father, making her way down the hallway.

"Don't mind her," Mila sighed. "Ivan broke her hairbrush by hitting Victor in the head with it today. She's just moody. She'll come around." Dracula blinked as the girl pressed the baby into his arms. "I better find Dumitra. I'm pretty sure she shifted into a bat and got stuck in one of the crevices. You know how she is."

The vampire watched as his daughter hurried down the hall, morphing midair into an elegant, long winged bat. Adjusting a gurgling Emma in his arms, he made his way back to the bedroom. When he entered, he took notice of Starlene fast asleep against Agatha, who currently sat in a rocking chair.

"Hey," he murmured.

"Hello," Agatha's eyes casted downwards towards their child. "Did you have a talk with the boys?"

"As best I could," he admitted. "And I broke the news to Sorina...well, Mila beat me to it."

"Well?" She ventured, careful not to jostle the toddler. "What did she say?"

"She's not happy about it."

"Oh."

He hated it when Agatha was disappointed. Or just upset in general. Dracula cleared his throat, trying to find the right words.

"Don't worry, she'll come around. She always has in the past, right?"

"It isn't her I'm concerned about." Agatha looked up to her husband, her expression one of concern. "Do you want this baby?"

He was taken aback by her question. Until that moment, he hadn't really thought about it. But then again, he hadn't really considered any of his children an option. Sure, maybe he and Agatha had planned for maybe two or three, but all nine of them-soon to be ten-he'd give the world. Dracula offered her a reassuring smile.

"We've managed not to kill any of our nine yet. What's one more?"

Agatha beamed, clearly comforted by the confirmation in his words. "What's one more?"

Suddenly, there came a loud crashing sound from down the hall followed by angry shouts. Agatha and Dracula looked at each other and sighed. Round ten here they come.

Well, this was something to write! To clarify, Sorina and Ivan would both be halflings and the rest of the kids full vampires (since I like to imagine Agatha was probably turned after Ivan's birth). Anyway, feedback is greatly loved and appreciated! I want to hear your thoughts! I'll be posting updates for my other fics this week! Until then, stay safe and healthy! -Jen