Thanks to my editor, The Grand Cogitator

Several readers have contacted me, protesting that even in these early documents, Kazuma's actions and claims are strikingly at odds with one another. Some even claim my closeness to the man himself clouds my professional judgement. I can only say that the man was well known for his ability to lie as naturally as breathing when it suited him, and that his closest friends and companions verify that he was indeed a man of many contradictions. As for me, I shall strive to maintain a neutral and professional tone, but admit there may be some bias. -NS

While it might have seemed ludicrous to go out after the giant toads again, I was prepared this time to bolt should things get too bad. Besides, Yunyun could probably roast the toads with a Lightning spell. Dinner, and a show. I was all up for it. Naturally, my overconfidence had to have triggered some flags or something. I should have known better than to go outside; It's not a natural place for a NEET.

At first, things went well. I had thought Yunyun would be suspicious about us taking her along to hunt Giant Toads. To my understanding, they were basically something only low level Adventurers bothered with, and a level 10 Archwizard was complete overkill for such a task. Instead, she seemed almost nervous at the prospect, and I began to wonder if she was up to the job.

"So, um, since we're friends, what should we talk about?" Yunyun asked in timid trepidation as we walked along the path. It was a bright afternoon once more, with nary a cloud in the sky. Sort of at odds with the looming sense of dread I should have felt.

I shrugged. "I don't know. You said you're a Crimson Demon. What's that?"

That made Yunyun look sideways at me. "I thought you knew, since you didn't make fun of my name…"

"Well, you didn't make fun of mine, so that only seemed polite," I pointed out. Yunyun was a pretty odd name, but in every visual novel I'd ever played through you didn't unlock the H scenes if you went around insulting the girls. "I can't imagine Kazuma Sato is a common name around here."

"Well, no, but most people...they think Crimson Demons are...strange," Yunyun admitted.

"I think everyone here is a bit strange, even Fortuna," I said, nodding to Eris. "But I am from a foreign land, so of course your ways are strange to me. I am sure some of mine will be queer to you. What can you tell me about Crimson Demons?"

Yunyun flushed, looking down. "No one's asked me that before…"

I had to hide an inward grin. She would be pathetically easy to seduce, and excellent start to my harem until I could figure out how to unlock the Eris route. I was trained by years of success in visual novels and H games. Of course, that meant I would have to hide my normal perverted tendencies for the time being, but that would be a small price to pay.

"Crimson Demons are famous for our mages; we all have naturally high stats, especially intelligence, and are masters of Advanced Magic!" Yunyun said eagerly, but then her expression fell. "Except for me. I only know Intermediate Magic."

Eris looked like she wanted to say something, but bit her lip and kept her mouth shut. I'd have to ask her later about what she knew. Instead, I said, "Well, that's more magic than I know, and spells like Fireball and Lightning sound powerful. They'll come in handy against the giant toads."

That made Yunyun light up like a Christmas tree. "Oh yes, I'll show you! I'm very useful, I'll be great to have in your party! You'll see, we'll be fast friends!"

"I'm sure we'll get along, Yunyun," Eris said, smiling. "The goddess watches over all those with kind hearts."

"Well, I hope she watches over those who are hunting giant toads too," I said, pointing. "Look there's a couple now."

Indeed, it was still early morning, and two toads were basking in the sun on the slopes of a grassy hill. For toads, they were quite colorful, one being cherry red and the other a bright yellow. They seemed to be sizing each other up, and I wondered if they were about to fight. Then, one toad turned around, and the other climbed atop it.

"What are they doing?" Yunyun asked, frowning.

Eris went pale. "Oh no…"

And then the toads began croaking loudly as the top toad thrust vigorously. I hid a grin. Well, it was supposed to be the mating season. Yunyun squealed and covered her eyes, while Eris went faintly green and looked away.

"This is the perfect chance!" I said, drawing my sword. "Quick, Yunyun, while they're distracted! You can fry them both with one shot!"

"B-but they're-" Yunyun turned away, blushing furiously. Ah, the shy type, eh? That was a bit at odds with her revealing clothes, but still very cute.

I put my hand on her shoulder as if to console her. "Yunyun. This is your chance. To prove that you are a true Crimson Demon, able to wield Intermediate Magic more skillfully than even the greatest master of Advanced Magic. I believe in you!"

Yunyun looked up at me, her eyes wide, her mouth open slightly. Wow, had no one ever given this girl a compliment before? I mean, I knew what that was like, but really a cute girl like her should have gotten more positive attention. I think she was actually about to start to cry. Then she nodded. "Right! I've got to prove myself!"

Then she threw a giant lightning bolt at the two toads. Now, to someone from Belzerg, a young girl throwing around a bit of Intermediate Magic isn't really all that impressive, as wizards aren't exactly rare. To someone from Japan, however, it was enough to scare the hell out of me. I immediately reevaluated Yunyun from "easy mark" to "terrifying super being" and resolved to not try anything with her unless I was very, very sure she wasn't going to turn me into an object lesson in why you don't go outside in a thunderstorm.

"Two down!" Eris said, apparently not scared stiff at the realization her party member could do a fair angry deity impression, being one herself. "Only one more to go, Yunyun! Great job!"

The praise made Yunyun beam, and I swallowed and tried to be useful, as I now had a vested interest in keeping Yunyun happy and seeing me as something other than target practice. "Right, I'll just go over and harvest the meat. You two keep an eye out."

While normally I'm adverse to hard work in all its forms, skinning and butchering the two pre-cooked toads didn't look all that hard compared to hunting down and killing a live one. It also meant I got to sample some of the wares, and I must say, lightning fried toad is simply divine, though it could use a little salt and maybe a marinade first.

Of course, I failed to consider the fact that crispified toads are appetizing to more than just hungry humans. I had just started in on the butchering when a dark shadow passed over my head. I looked up, expecting to see a few crows, or maybe an opportunistic hawk. Instead, my heart sank as I realized what sort of flags my earlier high spirits had triggered as a griffon began a slow, lazy descent on me.

Immediately, I panicked. I stood up and shouted and waved to get Eris and Yunyun's attention, then tried to make a run for it. For all I cared, the giant menace could HAVE the toads. Of course, that was when I managed to catch my foot in a carcass. I tried to pull free, but I just couldn't manage it in time. With a cry that sounded eerily like a lion's roar, the griffon stooped.

Thankfully, at that moment, I finally got lucky, and my foot sprang free. I dove into the nearest open hole: the mouth of the other dead toad. At first, this seemed like an excellent, if slimy, hiding place, and it would give the griffon what it wanted, which was a meal of toad. But then the griffon started to tear at the carcass, and its beak jabbed holes in the toad and nearly skewered me.

I let out a scream, and unfortunately I smacked the griffon on the beak with my sword on instinct. It was just a glancing blow; it didn't even damage the beast, but it did irritate it. Now, the griffon seemed to decide it wanted a side of Kazuma to go with it's meal, and started to rip and claw at the toad carcass, exposing me.

I let out a girlish shriek, and stabbed blindly at the griffon as it's beak snapped down at me. I didn't accomplish anything, but I did manage to get myself raked pretty good on my arms and chest. Pain filled my mind, and I immediately felt woozy from blood loss. I raised a hand to block the next strike, and the damned griffon bit it clean off, leaving behind a bloody stump as I slumped back, dazed. Just as I thought I was going to die again, a Fireball slammed into the creature.

The monster didn't seem all that phased by the spell, but it fluttered back, anger blazing in its eyes. For a bit, it seemed to hesitate under the onslaught of magic. I thought perhaps we might prevail after all, until I saw Yunyun collapse in the distance. The creature turned with a muffled squawk to where she and Eris were, both of them having approached for some reason. Probably a lack of self preservation.

It was at that point a very, very stupid thought entired my mind: the damned creature had eaten my hand, and I needed it back. You might not know this, but despite being right handed, I actually use my left to, as they say, polish the sword. It's just always felt better to me. Seeing my lover Lefty eaten by the griffon, and insane thought entered my mind: I had to get it back.

And so, I stumbled out of the toad carcasses just as the griffon reared and roared again, ready to charge down the now spent Yunyun and the combat-impaired Eris.

"Hey you stupid bird!" I roared. "That's my best friend!"

It turned to me as I raised my sword, and apparently decided to go back for seconds. This time, I was deprived of Righty, and while we did not share the same intimate relationship as Lefty, she was a close and dear companion of mine.

And so there I was, laying on the ground, completely disarmed, robbed of my lover, and bleeding out. The griffon reared up to attack again, but instead of a roar, it let out a breathy cough. I blinked at it. It blinked at me. It tried to cough, but nothing came out. It's claws went to its throat, and it gagged. It collapsed onto the ground and writhed for a bit, thrashing about with its wings and claws, and tossing me a good distance away. I had lost too much blood, and I passed out.

When I awoke, the first thing I did was cry, "Are they safe?!" This was, of course, in reference to Lefty and Righty, my dear departed friends and lifelong companions. To my shock, when my arms moved in front of my face, Lefty and Righty were back in their proper places. Tears filled my eyes, and I let out a sigh of relief. "Oh thank God, you're both alright."

That was when someone hugged me. Somewith with very large, very perky breasts. It was a sensation I had never experienced before, save for that one time when a female security guard had tackled me when I was caught taking upskirt pictures at the mall. Up until that point, that had been one of my fondest memories, though not the brutal beating that followed. This individual, however, was not looking to beat me, and instead pressed herself close.

"Y-you're a true friend, Kazuma," Yunyun wept. "You saved our lives! T-thank you!"

At this point, I should have done something productive. Cop a feel, maybe, or at least a quick pinch in the rear. Instead, my poor, battered, virgin NEET brain sort of shut down and was unable to process what was happening. Maybe it was the leftover adrenaline from having my hands removed. Maybe it was the fact that I'd lost a lot of blood. Or maybe it was the fact that my brain was screaming BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS and didn't have the processing power to grasp the situation.

Whatever it was, Yunyun sat back, and I saw both her and Eris smiling down at me. Apparently, Eris had healed me, restoring my dear companions. I blinked, unsure how I, or they, was still alive. "What happened?"

"It choked," Eris said.

I blinked. "What?"

"The griffon. When you attacked, it ate your sword. Somehow, it got lodged in the griffon's throat, and it choked to death," Eris explained. She sounded grave, but I got the impression she was trying to hide a smirk. "That was truly courageous of you, Kazuma. Even after it ate both of your hands, you still tried to save Yunyun and I."

"Y-you should have known better," Yunyun sniffed, wiping at her eyes. "Griffons are high level monsters! I don't know what one was doing here, but they're at least level 30! Why did you charge it, Kazuma? I was just trying to distract it so it didn't eat you, then Fortuna and I were going to run away! But somehow, you managed to defeat it."

A few things fell into place in my mind, and I realized what the situation had to have looked like from Yunyun and Eris' perspective: I, Kazuma, had attempted to defend our prizes, then, when my allies were threatened, I had charged the griffon and distracted it in an attempt to save them. Upon waking, I'd inquired about their health. I actually looked like a hero in all this, somehow.

"Well, I couldn't let my dearest companions be injured or killed," I said in an attempt to play the part. That made Yunyun smile again, so she seemed to be buying it. Eris, however, rolled her eyes, so perhaps I was laying it on a bit thick.

"We even managed to kill another toad before the griffon attacked," Eris added. "So we even completed the quest."

"Great," I sighed. That would give us some much needed funds. "Because I'm not coming back out here until we have a proper tank. I seem to be a tad too delicate to properly distract the monsters."

The girls laughed, and Eris helped me up. We collected a bit more toad meat, as well as some of the griffon's feathers and claws to prove our kill. Yunyun and I were both weak, and needed help back. Eris lent me her staff, while she supported Yunyun who had drained all her MP and stamina casting spells. I'd preferred it if the situation were reversed, but I decided not to press my luck. One near death experience for the day was enough.

Back in town, we were met with jubilation at the news we'd defeated the griffon, who had apparently been ravaging the countryside and stealing the kills of other Adventurers. It turned out to have had a 500,000 eris bounty on it alone, which combined with our reward from killing the five toads resulted in a rather tidy sum. We weren't exactly rich, but it was enough to live off of for quite a while. Which was exactly what I intended to do.

That evening, while we were sitting at dinner, a smug looking Chris approached us. "I just wanted you to know, Fortuna, that I have already recruited a powerful mage for my party! With her incredible powers, we were able to kill five toads in one day! She is-"

"Megumin!?" Yunyun gasped, staring at the rumpled and slimy little girl who was clinging to Darkness' back. "What happened to you?"

The other girl looked up, a self satisfied grin on her face. "Ah, Yunyun! Today, I surpassed you! With my incredible power, I took down three toads in a single blow! After that, it was a simple matter for Darkness to distract the remaining foes while Chris expertly took them down! Truly, I am the greatest genius of the Crimson Demon clan! How many toads did YOU slay?"

"Um, well, I also killed three," Yunyun admitted. "I almost went up a level from them, too."

"Ha! I managed to go up TWO WHOLE LEVELS! Meaning I am now level eleven, and more powerful than you!" Megumin bragged. "Soon, my mastery of Explosion magic will-"

"Yunyun went up five levels today," I put in, dipping my fried toad meat in some sauce. "The griffon she helped kill was worth a lot of experience. Good for you guys though, glad to hear you're doing so well. I'm certain we could use your help in defeating the Devil King."

That brought Megumin up short, and made Chris gasp in anger. "You killed a griffon?! HOW! My party is much stronger! I have two Advanced classes, and Megumin knows the strongest magic spell of them all! You just have a worthless Adventurer, a mage who only knows intermediate magic, and a stupid healer! How could you kill a griffon!?"

I shrugged. "We just got lucky, honestly. I couldn't have done it without Fortuna's healing and Yunyun's timely support. We do need a good tank though. Darkness is a Crusader, right? Why don't we team up? I think our skills compliment one another, and-"

"NO!" Megumin ranted. "I refuse! I shall surpass my rival, and become the strongest of the Crimson Demon clan! She would just steal all my kills, as usual!"

"I don't know," Darkness said, looking eager. "A griffon is a really strong monster. Perhaps if we joined our forces we could-"

"No! No joining forces! Dammit, it must be because they have a healer and a support class," Chris ranted. "Come on! We're finding a priest of some sort."

"Oh, well, I have connections to the Eris Church," Darkness said. "Perhaps we could-"

"NO! SCREW THAT BITCH ERIS! WE'RE GETTING HELP FROM THE AXIS ORDER! AQUA'S GOING TO CHOOSE ME!" Chris shouted, and dragged her party members away, with most of the guild staring after them.

I sighed heavily, and bit into my toad. It was pretty good; the sauce was nice and tangy, and fried up it had just the right amount of crunch.

"I-I need to go!" Yunyun said, bolting up. "Um, thanks for the party, it was nice! I, er, I know you probably don't want to see me again, but-"

"What?!" I gasped. This was terrible! I needed a good DPS in the party, or at the very least someone I could toss to the next monster that assaulted us. "No, you have to stay! We're, um, friends! Yes, best friends! You saved my life, so that makes us besties!"

Yunyun blinked at me. "You...you mean that? You want me to come back?"

I nodded frantically, trying in vain to hide my desperation. "Of course! You're clearly a strong and skilled archwizard. We really need you on the team!"

"I...thank you. I'll be back then, don't worry Kazuma! I won't abandon my friends! But, well, I'm worried about Megumin, and that strange lady Chris. We had a run in with the Axis Order already, and well...I just need to check on her. That's...that's OK, right?"

"Of course," I agreed hastily. "Take a day or two off, even. I'll put up a notice for a tank, and we can rest up. Then we can meet back up when it's time to go on our next quest."

"Right! I'll be back by tomorrow then!" Yunyun promised, then scurried off in the direction Chris and her party had gone.

"I should go with her," Eris said, standing. "I am...troubled, by what Chris is saying and doing. I feel...I don't know. A connection. I'll have to speak with Aqua. At first I just wanted to regain control over Chris, but now...it's almost like she is my daughter, or sister perhaps. Will you be alright, Kazuma?"

"Just fine," I agreed. "You take care of things." I needed some quality time alone with Lefty after the day we'd had.

That night I did manage to get some personal time in. I must say Lefty and I were almost strangers after having been separated for a short time, so we took a few attempts to become acquainted with one another. Still, with a bit of patience and coaxing, things worked out alright between us.

In the morning, I put up another insipid request form that was certain not to attract any applicants. Yunyun, after all, had been a fluke. There simply were not that many Advanced classes in Axel, and those that were around were either just passing through or already members of established parties. I phrased my request thusly:

Seeking: The strongest and toughest of warriors to join an established and close-knit fellowship of friends. Applicants must be an Advanced class, already have the best of gear, and be prepared to face the toughest of foes, even to the Devil King himself, as a shield for those who have defeated the griffin menace. No experienced Adventures with prior baggage need apply: we do not want a grizzled veteran, but a novice such as ourselves. Must be willing to embark on low level quests for level grinding and fundraising before assaulting the Devil King.

Personally, I thought the notice was a work of genius. It had so many contradictions that it should have been totally impossible for anyone to fulfill them. If someone was an Advanced class, they would already have needed to be an experienced Adventurer in all but rare cases. And if they were a beginner who was somehow in an Advanced class, they wouldn't be able to equip themselves with the best gear. Someone who was, somehow, all those things, would not be willing to embark on a series of easy quests to get levels and money.

Or so I thought.

"Excuse me," a soft voice said as I was reclining and sipping at a mug of ale. Truely, the lack of stigma on underaged drinking and the willingness to serve alcohol at any time of day was one of the best features of this world. "Are you still looking for a front line fighter?"

I looked up to see the cloaked and hooded figure I had seen Mitsurugi talking to the day before standing at the foot of my table. Out from under the hood looked two big, bright blue eyes, with a few wisps of soft blond hair, along with rosey cheeks with big dimples in them. It was, I realized, not a dwarf or something, but a little girl. Instead of laughing, I decided I was in a good enough mood to humor the child.

"I am indeed," I said sitting up and giving the child a grim look. "Are you a warrior of renown who is up to the challenge? I warn you, my party's goal is to defeat the Devil King; we will stop at nothing less. Our road shall be long, and hazardous. Are you up to the task?

To my amusement, the girl nodded seriously. "Yes. I am Alice, a Runeknight. I am already level 20, but I have yet to embark on any Adventures: all my levels came from eating special food as a child. See?"

She held up an Adventurers card. At the time, I didn't notice that her thumb was obscuring the name, instead focusing on her stats and class. The picture matched her face, so it had to be her, and her stats were, to say the least, astounding. Somehow, they were nearly as high as Eris' save for Luck, but even that was impressive. She didn't have any listed kills of monsters or completed quests; her card was totally blank there. However, the skills were things I'd have though only end level boss monsters or the strongest of Adventurers would have: Sacred Explode, Divine Sword Technique, Holy Lightning Blare, it went on and on, dozens of what had to be incredible spells and skills.

I looked at Alice, gobsmacked. She managed a nervous grin. "Um, do I fit your requirements, Mr. Kazuma?"

"Yes," I said faintly, pulling myself back together. "Though I must ask about your equipment. Our funds are limited, but due to the perils we will face, I'm going to require that you have the best of gear."

So Alice pulled out a sword that was bigger than she was, and showed it to me, shielding it from the room with her cloak, a nervous expression on her face. It glowed with a holy light, and its blade looked to be Damascus Steel, or as I would come to know it, Royal Steel, and seemed to be made of flowing metal. Alice quickly resheathed it, then pulled aside her cloak to reveal that she was wearing sparkling blue tinted armor, which I would later learn was Adamantoise, the strongest of metals in Belzerg.

"My gear is really good!" Alice promised, hiding her equipment in her cloak again. "And I have lots of money if you need help buying some yourself." She pulled out a massive coin purse and set it on the table, which made my mouth water even more than her cute looks.

"Well," I said, my fingers twitching slightly towards the money. "I think you more than meet the requirements, Alice. But know that you'll be our front line fighter: I am the party's skill monkey. That is, I have many non-combat related skills to overcome obstacles, as well as a few tricks to aid in combat, but I can't fight on the front lines beside you. Our other party members are an Archwizard and Archpriest, who are also ill suited to melee combat."

"That's just fine by me," Alice declared, then her cute lips curled back in a snarl. "I am going to defeat the Devil King myself. I'm not going to marry some rude scumbag who pats me on the head and treats me like a little kid! But if I kill the Devil King myself, I can marry whoever I want, no matter what daddy or Jatis say!"

If I had possessed even the slightest clue what any of that had meant, I would have run screaming for the hills and vowed never to have a single thing to do with "Alice" ever again. As it stood, however, a devilish scheme unfolded in my head. Eris and Yunyun were both softhearted. They would never consent to have this sweet little thing mercilessly beaten for our gain.

I extended a hand to Alice. "Welcome to the party. Yunyun and Fortuna should be back soon, I'll introduce you to them. How about a mug of ale while we wait?"

"You mean it? And...and you'll let me have ale?" Alice asked, sounding eager as she excitedly shook my hand.

I shrugged. I wasn't exactly a moral paragon, and I was a bit young to be drinking myself. "I don't see why not. Besides, you're buying."

Alice was delighted at the prospect, and eagerly guzzled her drink when it was brought. The serving girl gave me a scathing look to be giving a child drinks, but I just smiled lecherously at her, so she stuck her nose in the air and hurried off. I had thought a few mugs would make Alice tipsy, but she turned out to have the iron constitution only her inflated stats could have bestowed. Which was good, because as I would soon learn, my lolicon days were over if I valued my hide. Which, as it turns out, I rather do.

I smiled to myself, hiding the grin in my mug of ale. Between the small fortune we'd earned killing the griffon and toads and Alice's purse, we wouldn't need to go on a quest for weeks, maybe even months! I smugly patted myself on the back, and looked forward to a peaceful life.

That just goes to show you how much of an optimistic idiot I was.

The initial tales of Kazuma's early adventures are somewhat tricky to find, but after careful research, I can indeed confirm the portion of the tale relating to the griffon, which was a well known threat in Axel at the time. The claims regarding Kazuma's maiming can also be verified, though not his particular nighttime habits, as I am loath to inquire as to such affairs. -NS