2A Marauder Archive
A Summary Written by Remus John Lupin
Episode Two
You-Know-Her
Episode Two is all about revelations: You-Know-Her, Merlin's Order, Hogwarts motto, Padfoot not knowing what an unbreakable vow is—stupid, right? The most important revelation of all is how our beloved Prongsie made a bet and still owes me 20 chocolate frogs! I know you're the only one who reads this! I'll be imposing one per cent interest for every single hour you'll miss. It's retroactive! Oh shush, this isn't unfair, Wormy. Yeah, you're right…I barely got any sleep for the past week. I've been revising like crazy. I'm so tired, I feel like I'm drunk. What? Recording? Oh. Shite.
"Hey, hey, hey!"
"Are you imitating Santa Claus, Prongs?" Peter asked.
"Santa Claus?" James asked in return, confusion evident on his face. "Who's that bloke?"
Remus stared blankly at the two men before directly speaking to the microphone in front of him, "Can you believe that? We have been on-air for a couple of seconds and we're off the tangent already."
"Oh right—welcome, beautiful wizards and witches!" James greeted enthusiastically. "This is the handsome Prongs speaking!" He finished it off with a wink and a grin.
"The dashing Padfoot at your service," Sirius continued, mimicking James with an exaggerated wink of his own.
Peter watched them with a grin of his own. "This is Wormtail."
"And I'm Moony," Remus said, shaking his head to hide his amusement.
"We're still not yet sure how this works," James said.
"Yeah, please continue thanking Albus for that," Sirius threw in again, grinning as he remembered the numerous letters that came in for the Headmaster in the past week.
"Please don't. Headmaster Dumbledore threatened to cut our tea supply if he receives more letters next week," Remus muttered weakly.
"Dumbledore? Threaten? Please," James scoffed.
"Albus hides a bit of calming draught in his lemondrops. That's the most threatening shite he could possibly do," Sirius said, waving off Remus' worries in his own way.
"He does?" Peter managed to squeak out.
"But—my tea—what if he does? I don't know what I'll do," Remus weakly voiced out his thoughts.
"Serious question, Moony—tea or chocolate?"
Remus looked at James in terror, as if he was being asked by the Dorcas Meadows if he was a werewolf or not. James shrugged at the other occupants in the room when he received no response from the werewolf.
"One man down!" James happily announced as Peter laughed at Remus' dazed expression.
"Shame on you, Moony. We've only been on-air for a few minutes," Sirius complained. "If anyone is interested to be our fourth member, send your names in our Maraubins."
"If we're replacing someone, it's your ugly arse," James snorted, pulling the bowl towards his direction.
"Hey!"
"Wormy, left or right?"
"Left?"
James dug in his right hand in the bowl to pick a piece of parchment for their 'Hogwarts Asks' segment. Clearing his throat, he read, "FutureOM1 asks: How do I get a Merlin's Order?"
"That is an interesting question," Peter commented.
"No, that easy," Sirius said, waving off their thinking faces, "you buy it. That's what my grandfather did."
"If you're a bigoted man that's bloody rich, I guess that's one of your choices," James conceded. Shrugging, he said, "Or like Dumbledore, you can defeat a dark lord. Now that's what I'm going to do if I want to get an Order of Merlin."
Peter cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable with the topic. "Didn't...um...that Damocles bloke receive a Second Class a year ago for the Wolfsbane Potion?"
"Yeah, it should've been a First Class! You better fix that, Minchum!"
"Agreed, Snuffles. It should've been a First Class. His cause was very...deer to our hearts."
"We've agreed to not use that name while we're on air!" Sirius exclaimed.
"Your pun is an eight, Prongs," Peter remarked.
"Thank you, Wormtail, sir," James said dramatically with a flourish of a half bow. Looking at the man seated on his right, he poked the werewolf and said, "Moony, wake up. We miss you."
"I don't," Sirius chimed.
James pouted, pushing the bowl in Peter's direction. "Why don't you pick, Wormy?"
Peter quickly pulled a question out of the bowl. "Looks like you have a fangirl, Pads," he commented. He read it outloud this time before Sirius could nick it out of his hands, "LadySBlacK asks: Question for the handsome Sirius. What do you use on your hair? Your hair smells amazing. I have a strand of it and I sleep beside it every night. It's still fresh!"
"That is absolutely disgusting," James grimaced.
Sirius only puffed up his chest as he relished the compliment he received, "Thank you for that wonderful question, LadySBlack. You certainly do have extraordinary tastes."
James faked gagged while Peter laughed at his antics.
"Now that you've asked about my silky locks, what I use is—"
"Chocolates!" Remus cried out.
"Now, now, Moony. It's a common misconception that I use chocolates for my skin. What I use are blood—"
"I choose chocolates!" Remus cried out once again. With a sorrowful sigh, he closed his eyes as if he had just committed the biggest mistake in his entire life.
"Surprise!" James brandished a chocolate frog in his palm. It took awhile for the werewolf to answer, but he knew that he would've ended up choosing chocolate.
"Oh sweet Morgana," Remus cooed at the chocolate in front of him before grabbing it with much fervor that it scared the three men in front of him.
"As I was saying before you two rudely interrupted me." Sirius shot them pointed looks when James smuggled Peter a chocolate frog. He loosened up when James passed him a chocolate frog as well. "What I use is the—" He took out a bottle in his pockets to brandish it to everyone. "—Sleekeazy's Hair Potion!"
"Stop!" James yelled at him and attempted to retrieve the chocolate he just gave. Sadly, the dog Animagus just popped the chocolate inside his mouth.
"Is that really effective?" Peter asked with his mouth full of chocolate.
"Honestly, it's the best thing ever!" Sirius declared, moving away from James' hexes. He stood up, microphone in hand, and stalked away from the incoming James Potter. "Here's a trivia for you all: Sleekeazy's was invented by the exceptional Fleamont Potter, grandfather of our Quidditch extraordinaire, James Charlus Potter!"
"Stop it!"
Still evading the clutches of an irritated Potter, he announced, "I swear on my magic that it works on every type of hair—except for Potter hair because it's utter dungheap—and it'll turn your hair silky smooth like mine." He added, "And if you buy one, you get a date from our Prongsie over here!"
"No, I'm loyal to Evans!"
"You...you just did an Unbreakable Vow, Padfoot," Peter gaped at the Black heir.
"Oh, so that was the warm feeling that came over me!"
James snorted. "What did you think it was?"
"My confession towards my only love," Sirius said dramatically, placing a hand on his heart. He paused, took a deep breath and said, "Sleekeazy's Hair Potion!"
"Padfoot!" James cried before jumping down on the dog Animagus. He gave out a shout of triumph when he successfully pinned him down.
"Hey Moony, you have a Tilly Toke?" Peter asked as he peered at the werewolf's card. Remus was holding a Uric the Oddball card. "Want to exchange? I have five of her already."
"I have twenty-five. Maybe you could post it on the notice-board later," Remus said in a daze, staring at the half-eaten chocolate sitting in Peter's hand.
"Y-yeah," Peter squeaked out before shoving the rest of the chocolate in his mouth. He was genuinely scared for his life right now.
James and Sirius were still wrestling on the ground when a phoenix Patronus came inside the room.
"Boys, please, talk about something relevant! Argh, fine, I'm increasing your tea supply!"
Remus snapped out of his daze and zeroed in on the stag and dog Animagus on the floor. "You heard Dumbledore! Up and sit your arses in the proper places! Now!"
"Woah," James muttered under his breath. "You reminded me of Mum for a second there."
Once they found their seats, Sirius told Remus, "I wish you were my Moomy, Moony."
"Moomy," Peter repeated with a grin.
"Moomy," James repeated with an even bigger grin.
Remus took a deep breath. "I want my tea so I'll ignore what I just heard."
"Alright, Moomy," James responded, leaning closer to the werewolf as if in anticipation. Peter and Sirius leaned forward on their elbows as well.
"You are all dorks," Remus muttered when he saw three identical looks on him. The trio were looking at him with their heads cupped on their hands. Realizing that they weren't going to stop with their antics, he pulled the bowl towards him and pulled out a question. "RavenLaw asks: All of you are Gryffindors. How did you put the Maraubins inside all of the common rooms?"
"First of all, Ravenlaw, how rude of you to assume we're all Gryffindors!" Sirius said in a mocking tone. "Is it because we're all extremely hot and funny and cool?"
"Second, I like the name. Subtle change game you got going there," Peter commented with a thumbs up in the air. "Good job!"
"Third, I heard the tone of wonder in your question, RavenLaw! You are right to wonder in our magical prowess. We are noble men, looking for a little challenge in our lives and—"
"What Prongs is saying is that you can kick his arse and he won't tell you a thing on how we did it."
"Moomy! What incorrigible language you have!"
"Can't we tell a little, Prongs?" Peter asked.
"Please. Wormy, a gentleman never tells his secret," James said with a wink. "And we're four fine gentlemen."
"I think someone will be impressed if you tell it," Sirius said in a sing-song manner.
"We actually have a ma—" Remus quickly casted a Silencing Charm on him.
"Idiot," he muttered under his breath as he watched James continue his silent explanations with lively hand gestures to boot. Sirius and Peter were shaking with laughter beside him.
"You bloody twat, you were ready to tell our secrets!" Sirius accused, laughing when James noticed what he was supposed to do.
"We're doing all these amazing things—I know, I know, stop looking at me like that! I know I'm the one who told all of you to keep it a secret—this is actually the least of them! I think it's fine to divulge a little," James finished with a grimace.
"If you plan on telling it, then you'll be needing to reveal secrets number two and three," Remus said.
"No, it's secrets number three and four," James corrected him.
"I think secret number one hardly counts as a secret, Prongs," Peter whispered to James.
"In case any of you are wondering, our secret number one is: Prongs loves Lily Evans."
"Padfoot! I do not love Lily Evans!"
"Surprise," Remus said drily. "You owe me ten chocolate frogs. Just reminding you, no big deal. I want it tomorrow."
"Woah—what's this bet?" Sirius asked. Peter nodded vigorously beside him.
"Moony made me promise not to mention Ev—You–Know–Her—during our episodes," James said sulkily.
"He made the promise himself," Remus scoffed and imitated James' tone, "Oh Moony, you shouldn't get worried! One mention of Evans will get you ten chocolate frogs!"
"So that's why you didn't mention Lily's name in the last episode," Peter surmised.
James only pouted in response before speaking to the microphone in front of him. "Hey, Evans," he began, pushing away Moony's hand when he asked for another batch of chocolate frogs. "You-Know-Her, would you like to be part of our show? We can make you an honorary Marauder."
"I have to admit, Lily, the place is cosy. Endless supply of tea as well."
James snapped his head towards Remus' direction. "How does she like her tea?"
Remus raised an eyebrow at him. "Why don't you ask her yourself that?"
"She wouldn't—she'd only end up shou—nevermind," James mumbled, an unusual sight for everyone who knew him.
Remus shrugged at the other two men before moving on to the next topic. "Well, I don't have much to recommend today since I've started revising for O. ."
"Nerd," Sirius muttered under his breath.
"Anyway," Remus intoned, "this recommendation is mainly for firsties who haven't read 'Loony Nonby vs Cornish Pixie'. It's a humorous comic book about Loony Nonby, a wizard that's constantly bothered by Cornish Pixies."
"That was my religion when we were in first year," Peter said in a nostalgic tone.
Sirius snorted. "I hated it."
"You hated it because Lily claimed Loony's more handsome than you," Remus said drily.
"Blasphemy! There's too many plot holes!"
"It's actually answered if only you kept on reading, Padfoot! In issue #181, the prophecy named him the saviour of—"
"I don't think our listeners will appreciate the spoilers, Moony," Peter said meekly.
"It's just Albus," Sirius waved off his worries.
Dumbledore's Patronus suddenly burst in the room with more urgency than usual. "No spoilers, please!"
"You need to sort out your priorities, Albus," Sirius chastised him. "That issue came out a week ago!"
"I think we can move to the next segment now," Remus offered before the Headmaster could send another Patronus.
"Please tell theory number ninety!"
"You got it, snuffles." Peter grinned at them. "Theory number ninety: Hogwarts motto. According to our sources—"
"It's the hat!" Sirius gasped. "The Sorting Hat!"
"The same hat who requested anonymity," Remus reminded him.
Sirius dramatically rolled his eyes before letting out a deep sigh. "What's the hat going to do? Munch on my brains?"
"Ahem—" Peter interjected. "Might as well tell the story, mates? Alright, so we were trying to enchant the sorting haaaaa—oh—uh, yes, enchanting it with our looks—no magic used, Headmaster—"
Sirius emitted a wheeze, Remus palmed his forehead and James looked at him amusedly.
"Smooth, Wormy."
He grimaced at James before continuing, "As I was saying, the sorting hat told us that we were exasperating and acted similar to the founders—"
Sirius pounded his hands on the table before grabbing the microphone in front of him with gusto. "The tosser said I was similar to the snake! Can you believe that!"
"You can't escape your destiny, Padfoot," Remus said with a patronizing tone.
"Shut up, Mr. I-Knew-It-I-Was-Supposed-To-Be-In-Ravenclaw!"
"Oh come on, stop fighting," James attempted to placate them, hands raised in their directions. "We can't all be pure noble Gryffindors..."
"Because you're a simpleton, Prongs."
"Moony!" James gasped, his hands clutching his chest now. "I never—I gave you a chocolate frog!"
"Hardworking hufflepuffs to save the day," Peter sighed. "Now that you know our supposed...roles? Yeah, I don't know a proper word— the Hat told us how the founders came up with the motto!"
"Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus," Remus recited. "Never tickle a sleeping dragon."
Peter nodded eagerly at Remus. "Apparently, the founders found—heh—Hogwarts as an abandoned castle. They spent months fixing, cleaning and enchanting stuff here. Truly amazing, right? Powerful. Anyway, they were almost done with all of their plans when Godric and Salazar suddenly found a hidden area of the castle. Would anyone like to take a guess of what they found?"
"A dragon," they replied simultaneously, all of them saying it in a different manner.
"A dragon," Peter mimicked James' eager tone and ignored the dry and sarcastic tones of Remus and Sirius. "Salazar then raised a bet: he would name his first-born son in Godric's honor if he tickled the dragon. Godric—well, he was the embodiment of being a Gryffindor—he did it. The dragon awoke, almost killed them and destroyed the entire castle. The hat told us that they almost died again because of Rowena. She was so mad."
"I felt the hat's shivers," James commented quietly. The other three young men nodded somberly beside him.
"Helga thought it was funny. She had fun watching Godric and Salazar running away from the dragon and Rowena," Peter said.
"Guess we now know why that was the code to the kitchens," Sirius whispered to them, covering the microphone with his hands. Three identical grins were directed at him.
"And now everyone knows why that's Hogwarts' motto!" Peter continued a little louder this time. "Rowena got so mad that she made it their motto so Godric will never forget it."
"I can't blame her," Remus shrugged at them, "It sounds like something we'd do, especially you, Prongsie."
"Me? You and—"
"No, just you, Prongsie. You and your neverending things-to-do-in-life."
James scoffed at him. "You know what, the all-knowing Moony? I would like to offer you a trivia: I just added 'prank Moony during potions' in my cauldron list! See you next week, everyone! This is the handsome Prongs!"
Sirius let out a whoop before saying, "And this is the dashing padfoot!"
"I'm the hardworking Wormtail?" Peter suggested.
Remus shook his head at their antics. "I'm Not-Your-Moomy Moony."
"Don't forget to cause mischief tomorrow!" James exclaimed, blowing a raspberry at Remus' direction.
"And kiss Dumbledore square on the lips!" Sirius chimed in, blowing a kiss at Remus' direction.
Dumbledore pinched the bridge of his nose. For the past week, he received numerous letters from students and parents alike, filled with questions and word of warnings he simply ignored. The benefits Hogwarts gained from the entire ordeal weighed heavier than the drawbacks they might possibly get in the long run. Based on the first program, the marauders' station will give every employee in Hogwarts at least an hour to breathe.
It was a collective experience that everyone enjoyed—even he himself enjoyed listening to it. Even Hogwarts itself! He was certain that he could feel the thrumming of magic beneath his fingers.
But this week...it was different. He received letters from the staff and the press, requesting for an audience before the "Great Wizarding Hat". Of course, he ignored them all, including the attempts that were made by the staff itself to break into his office in an attempt to converse with the Hat.
Dumbledore sighed deeply and stared longingly at the high drawer where the hat was situated.
"You won't even dare have a proper conversation with me, yet you told them stories?!"
A/N: Last paper and I am officially done with the semester. This chapter is an advance celebration of that. Anyhoo, same question - Do you have any questions for the Marauders? Needing any advice? Yes, I will incorporate these in the story. :) For the questions previously posted/sent, I'll be adding those in a bit! This was already drafted when I posted ch1. Cheers for reading! x
