55Okay, so I'm going to have to stop trying to guess how many chapters this story will be, because I'm never right, lol. This chapter was supposed to be the last one, but it's not. I want to say that the next one will definitely be the last chapter, but who knows? Lol, this story just doesn't want to end, apparently.
This chapter starts off right after the final scene of the episode "We Dream of Machine Elves", when Olivia and Amanda are at the psychiatric hospital with Kathleen and Anais Adler, and will continue from there.
Just a reminder that Jesse, Billie, and Frannie don't exist in this story.
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For the third time in less than a week, Olivia has a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach and the nagging sense that all is not right with Amanda, when she notices that her detective has strolled away from the door of the common room at LaGuardia Psychiatric Hospital. She tears her gaze from the emotional reunion that is currently happening between mother and child, leaving Kathleen and Anais Adler to chat under the supervision of Kathleen's doctor, and follows Amanda down the hallway.
"Rollins, you seem to have developed an annoying habit of wandering away whenever something important is going on," Olivia remarks lightly, thinking back to the night at Dr. Adler's institute when Amanda had disappeared from the crowd in a drugged haze. "We're not quite done here yet."
"I know that, Liv." There is an edge to Amanda's tone and a pinched expression on her features when she turns to face Olivia, her skin more pale than usual. "I just need a minute, okay? And I don't need a babysitter this time. I'm fine."
"Are you?" The question comes out more harshly than Olivia had intended, and she watches Amanda flinch slightly, wondering what is going through the younger woman's mind and how she is coping with the events of the past several days.
Olivia has experienced a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions since the evening she had witnessed Amanda high on DMT and the awkward, uncomfortable scene that had taken place the following morning in the blonde's hospital room. The case has been keeping their squad quite busy and she hasn't had a chance to sort through any of the complicated feelings that have been weighing heavily on her all week, but during the rare moments that she has been alone with Amanda, Olivia has felt the tension crackling between them.
She still doesn't know precisely what Amanda remembers from that night; if the other woman recalls how needy and clingy she was, or any of the comments she had made, including her spontaneous declaration of love for her captain. Despite resolving to talk to Amanda once she was feeling better and adequately rested, there hasn't been enough time to sit down and have a proper conversation about anything that had happened. The more time that passes, the more Olivia feels torn between wanting to talk about everything that had occurred that night and wanting to forget about it and sweep it under the rug, afraid that Amanda hadn't actually meant the things she had said.
Deep down inside, she knows they need to get everything out into the open, though; that there is actually much more to discuss besides the drugged remarks that Amanda had made, including the reason her detective had chosen to inhale the DMT and the possibility of disciplinary action. Olivia can't help but wonder if Amanda really does share the same feelings she has for the blonde, but reminds herself that this particular subject should be the very last one on the list of topics that need to be broached.
As she studies Amanda's body language, the rigid set of her shoulders and the way those blue eyes dart in every direction except toward her, Olivia feels a wave of concern for Amanda's emotional state, wishing they were by themselves and not in a hospital full of people, so they could have a chat. She reaches her hand out to brush Amanda's elbow with the purpose of directing the detective's attention back to her, instead of the floor tiles that Amanda is currently staring at, and frowns when she receives a sharp flinch in response.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Olivia asks softly, trying to shove down the hurt she feels when Amanda takes a deliberate step away from her to put some distance between them. "I know this has been a really tough week for you; that it's been very intense with Dr. Adler, and the undercover operation didn't go as planned-"
"I already told you that I'm fine, Olivia," Amanda interrupts with a dismissive wave of her hand and a frown of her own. "Yeah, the undercover op could have gone better and it was definitely intense with Dr. Adler, but that's part of the job, isn't it? It's intense every single day."
"But this case has been a little more personal for you, compared to other cases," Olivia hedges quietly, irritated with Amanda for continually brushing off any attempts to delve deeper into these events.
"I can handle it," Amanda replies with a shrug, pivoting on her heel like she is about to stride back to the common room and put an end to their discussion.
"So that's why you walked away from everyone over there?" Olivia can't help pushing, as she gestures down the hallway. "Because you're fine and you're handling it so well?"
"I just thought it would be nice to give Kathleen and Anais a few minutes of privacy, so they could talk without being stared at by a bunch of cops and doctors," Amanda snaps in return, whirling back around to face Olivia. "But you don't seem to know what privacy is, do you, Liv? Because you sure as hell can't give me any."
"What's that supposed to mean?" In spite of the anger that is bubbling to the surface and threatening to explode, Olivia makes a conscious effort to lower her voice, not wanting to catch the attention of anyone nearby.
"It means that I can't even have a moment to myself without you invading my personal space," Amanda glowers, her hands clenched into fists at her sides. "You do know that I'm capable of standing here alone for a minute without needing to make sure I'm okay, right? You don't need to follow me around and act all clingy, like you did at Dr. Adler's place or at the hospital. I screwed up the other night, I admit it. But I don't need you breathing down my neck for the rest of my life, afraid that I'm going to mess up again, just because I made one little mistake."
"A little mistake?" Olivia repeats incredulously, planting her hands on her hips and tapping her foot against the floor in an agitated fashion. "You got high on the job, Amanda! That wasn't part of the undercover mission, and you know it. And for your information, I was trying to make sure you were okay, both at Dr. Adler's institute and at the hospital. I was trying to help and protect you. And I know you don't remember a lot of what happened, but it was you who was clinging onto me the entire time. I could barely take a breath, you were holding onto me so tightly. And I've never seen a performance quite like the one I saw in the emergency room, with you whining and begging me not to leave. I think the entire hospital could hear you shrieking like a toddler having a temper tantrum, when I had to go back to the precinct. So don't you dare accuse me of being too clingy!"
Olivia stops talking abruptly when she sees the stricken, mortified look on Amanda's face, realizing that she has let her emotions get the better of her while they are still on a case, and has said far too much. It's painfully obvious that the past several days of near silence between them is starting to take its toll on Olivia, to the point where she is the one acting unprofessionally now, and she feels a mixture of shame and regret when she notices the detective biting down on her lower lip, like she is trying to hold in her own emotions as well.
"I'm sorry," Olivia says gently, instantly contrite, even though she knows that she can't just let this go; that Amanda can't go on believing the incident at Dr. Adler's was just a tiny mishap that can be forgotten about and never brought up again. "I went too far, okay? This is not the time or the place to be bringing any of this stuff up, so I should have waited until later."
"Well, I guess I've made you wait long enough, huh?" Amanda murmurs with a shrug, Olivia's eyebrows raising high in surprise to this reply, as she has been expecting this conversation to either blow up into a loud argument or for Amanda to simply walk away from her. "I know I haven't exactly been an open book this week. The truth is...I'm horrified by what I did the other night. I'm so embarrassed, I can barely bring myself to look at you whenever we're in the same room, Olivia, and I guess it's just easier to blame you and get mad at you than to take responsibility for my actions. I...I remember more than I said I did, and I just don't know what to do with it...with any of it."
A surge of hope suddenly burns so brilliantly inside her chest that it nearly takes Olivia's breath away, and she steps closer to Amanda, relieved when the blonde doesn't back up. "What do you remember?"
"I remember a lot of rainbows," Amanda answers with a hollow chuckle, Olivia's lips quirking in amusement at this response. "I kept seeing them everywhere, for some reason. And you...you looked like one too. You were the brightest one of them all."
"Well, you did mention them quite a bit," Olivia laughs softly, reaching out to lightly brush the sleeve of Amanda's coat with her fingers, noticing that she doesn't pull away this time. "You mentioned a lot of things, actually."
"I know." Amanda's voice has dropped to a barely audible whisper, a blush blooming on her pale cheeks as she twists her hands together in a nervous manner.
"You do?" Olivia tries to keep the hope out of her tone, glancing around swiftly to make sure no one else is within earshot before she speaks again. "You know what you said?" She gulps hard, hesitating for a moment before deciding to take the plunge. "Did you...did you mean the things you said?"
Amanda's gaze locks with her own, so many emotions swirling in those wide blue eyes that Olivia's breath catches in her throat and her heart begins pumping wildly. She can see it in the detective's expression; that Amanda knows exactly what she is referring to, and she inhales sharply with anticipation when the blonde opens her mouth to reply.
Amanda's words are lost in a sudden piercing scream that sounds from the common room, a shiver of dread running down Olivia's spine as their conversation is put on hold once again and all personal issues are shoved aside for the time being, both of them taking off down the hall at a dead run.
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As Olivia relaxes on her couch, sipping a glass of wine and flipping aimlessly through the selection of movies on Netflix, she doesn't think she has ever been so relieved to see the end of a case. There had been some tense moments at the psychiatric hospital when Kathleen Adler had become overwhelmed and agitated during the visit with her daughter, and Anais had gotten very upset in response, but they were able to diffuse the situation quickly with the aid of Kathleen's doctor, and get them calmed down.
Now that the case is done and Olivia finally has some time to herself, Noah sleeping soundly in his bedroom, she can acknowledge just how truly exhausted she is and how much she needs this time alone. She still hasn't resolved anything with Amanda, but the wine and mindless romantic comedy that she has chosen to watch are helping to keep her mind off the blonde detective, deciding that their discussion can wait one more day.
Olivia is chuckling at a ridiculous scene playing out on the screen when her phone rings, the shrill noise startling her so badly that she nearly spills her entire glass of wine down the front of her shirt. Her heart leaps when she sees Amanda's name on the screen, nervousness immediately overtaking the calm, and there is a tremble in her hand when she picks up the phone to answer.
"H-hello?" Olivia winces at how shaky her voice sounds and hopes Amanda won't notice, ready to blame it on the alcohol instead of her nerves, if the younger woman makes a comment about it.
There is silence on the other end of the line for several seconds, Olivia tilting her head in concern as she waits for Amanda to speak, before hearing a softly uttered "Sorry" in response to her greeting.
She pulls in a deep, shuddering breath and exhales slowly, her eyelids fluttering closed as she rubs a hand across her forehead and tries to keep her voice from shaking again. "What are you sorry for?"
"Everything." Amanda's tone gives off a tired and defeated attitude, much like it had the morning after their undercover operation, the other woman sounding so unlike herself, and Olivia's heart goes out to her in spite of all the turmoil her detective has caused lately.
"Do you want to come over?" she blurts out, draining the last of her wine in one long gulp and hoping she doesn't sound too eager, any traces of exhaustion leaving her system now that they are finally talking.
"Right now?" Amanda asks in a surprised tone.
"Do you have other plans?"
"Well, it's late. I was going to go to bed soon."
Olivia swallows hard at this innocent reply, imagining what it would be like to tuck herself into the same bed as Amanda, lying side by side as they chat and cuddle and kiss and- "If you can stay awake a bit longer, it would be nice to catch up," she replies, cutting off her own thoughts before they start drifting into x-rated territory. "Noah has been asleep for a few hours now, so it's a good time. And I think it would be better to talk in person."
There is a pregnant pause and some rustling on the other end of the line before Amanda finally answers, a hint of trepidation in her voice. "Yeah, okay. You're right, this is probably the best time to do it."
"Great," Olivia says with more confidence than she feels, hoping she hasn't pushed Amanda to come over if the detective is not entirely comfortable with it. "I'll see you soon."
"Okay, Liv. See you soon."
Olivia can't remember the last time she has felt this apprehensive as she paces the floor while she waits for Amanda to arrive, almost jumping out of her skin when she hears the faint knock on her door nearly half an hour later, even though she has been expecting it.
Her heart rate picks up speed when she opens the door to reveal Amanda standing there in causal clothes with her hair pulled back into a messy bun, looking vulnerable, fatigued, hesitant, and adorable all at the same time.
"Hey," Olivia says softly in welcome, a tremulous smile stretching across her face and goosebumps lining her arms.
"Hey, yourself." Amanda's voice is equally soft, and for a moment they just stand there and stare uncertainly at each other without moving.
"Uh, come in," Olivia chuckles nervously, opening the door wider and gesturing for Amanda to step inside, chastising herself for acting like a jittery, lovesick schoolgirl on her first date. "Do you want some wine?"
"God, yes," Amanda replies instantly, and the sheer desperation in her tone breaks the ice between them, both of them bursting into laughter before Olivia puts a finger to her lips and inclines her head toward Noah's bedroom.
"I feel the same way," she admits with a grin, pointing to the half-finished bottle of wine and empty glass on the coffee table. "It's just that kind of night, isn't it? Luckily, there's plenty for both of us."
They get settled on the couch together with glasses of wine and bowls of chips and popcorn, eating and drinking in silence for several minutes, and even though there is still so much that needs to be said, suddenly Olivia isn't in a rush to talk, wanting to savor the peace between them.
"I fucked up," Amanda states abruptly, and just like that, the peace is shattered.
Olivia rests her head against the back of the couch, gazing steadily at Amanda while waiting for her to elaborate, when she notices the younger woman fiddling with something that is sticking out from one of the front pockets of her pants.
"What'cha got there?" she asks curiously, tipping her chin toward whatever object Amanda is trying to discreetly fidget with.
"Nothing," the detective mutters, the same blush she had seen at the psychiatric hospital displayed on her face once again.
"Doesn't look like nothing," Olivia observes with an arched eyebrow, the wine making her head swim pleasantly and encouraging her to be bolder than normal. "Show me."
Amanda puts her glass down on the coffee table and then slowly produces a crumpled piece of paper from her pocket, placing it on her lap and smoothing it out across her thighs with both hands. It appears to be a drawing of some sort, with scribbled words across the top, but the picture is upside down and Olivia can't make out exactly what it is, distracted by the way Amanda's fingers keep gliding over the paper to reduce the wrinkles.
"I found this tucked in with my stuff when I got home from the hospital the other day," the blonde explains in an embarrassed tone as her blush deepens noticeably. "I have a vague memory of asking one of the nurses for some paper and crayons so I could draw a picture for my boss."
She turns the paper around so Olivia can see it properly, her lips immediately twitching with suppressed laughter as she reads the messy writing that resembles chicken scratch: "Dear Captain Olivia Benson, you are the best boss in the whole wide world and even prettier than the most beautiful rainbow. Love, Detective Amanda Rollins." The rest of the page is taken up with a drawing of a gigantic rainbow, the colors bleeding into one another, and two crude stick fingers holding hands underneath, one with yellow hair and the other with brown.
"Wow," Olivia chokes out in surprise, bringing her wine glass to her mouth to hide her widening grin. "What a sweet gift. I'm very flattered, although our full names and titles make it sound kind of formal. And it's not that I don't appreciate the gesture, but I'm not sure if art is your forte."
"That might be the understatement of the century," Amanda replies with a roll of her eyes, her lips curling with derision as she gazes down at the picture. "Probably a good thing I decided to become a cop instead of an artist."
"Probably," Olivia agrees with a smirk, her eyes dancing with mischief as she gazes at Amanda's crimson face over the rim of her glass. "You get an A for effort, though. Would you like me to put it on the fridge next to Noah's painting from school?"
"No, I would not," Amanda growls with a menacing glare, and Olivia can't hold in her laughter any longer. "You're probably never going to let me live this down, are you? I don't know why I even showed this to you."
"Well, quite frankly, I'm shocked that you're actually showing it to me, but it's nice to know that you were able to occupy yourself while I was at the precinct," Olivia returns mirthfully, clearing her throat as she becomes aware of the nagging sensation at the back of her brain; the reminder that although this lighthearted banter is fun and a huge relief after such a difficult week, there is still some serious conversation to be had.
"Amanda, we have a lot to talk about," she says softly, setting her wine glass down next to the other woman's and straightening up on the cushions, her eyes falling back to the drawing, where Amanda is slowly tracing a finger across each color of the rainbow. "About why you fucked up and where we go from here."
"I know," Amanda murmurs in reply, her finger trailing down to trace circles around the two stick fingers that are hand-in-hand. "I think I just wanted to show you this stupid, childish drawing to have a good laugh and to put off the stuff we need to talk about. But I know, okay? I know I wasn't supposed to inhale, I know I should be punished for what I did, and I know..."
"What?" Olivia urges in a heated whisper, leaning forward on the couch so they are perched there eye to eye now. "Just say it, Amanda. You've been holding everything in for too long."
"I know those things I said to you...that you make me happier than anyone else in the world-" Amanda stops speaking suddenly and takes a deep breath, Olivia's eyebrows raised in anticipation as she waits for her to finish. "And that I...that I love you more than anyone else in the world...well, I know I said them because I inhaled the DMT, but I meant them, Olivia. I was finally able to say the things that I've been hiding for such a long time now."
Olivia sits there in stunned silence as Amanda gives her a shrug and a smile, the small blonde looking both hopeful and terrified as they stare intently at each other.
"I'm in love with you, Liv."
