299The Apotheosis of Haruhi Suzumiya
Look, if you were expecting Kyon, he's busy. Probably dealing with yet another incursion from Horror. Alucard really is a son of a bitch, and that whole Isekai Quartet thing was a mistake from the start.
Sorry, sorry, I know. I'm just not very good at telling serious stories, and, well, I'll try to make you laugh with this one, but honestly most days now I just feel like laying down and crying. Which is pretty stupid considering what I am now. Or always was?
Ugh. Anyway, let's take it back a few millennia. Or, however long it's been. I don't really experience time the way I did back when I thought I was mortal.
Right, introductions: Hello, I'm God. Or at least, I'm the Goddess of Comedy. It's all very weird and complicated and I don't feel like explaining theology right now because it's hella boring.
Where was I? Right. The beginning. Or at least, my beginning.
I was born Haruhi Suzimiya in Nishinomiya Japan, in the year 1988. Which is super weird when you think about it, because we're reckoning the date there from when Jesus was born, and I'm a literal deity and I've never met the guy. Not that I've tried too hard, but he's never at any of the staff meetings or the Division Chief's little get-togethers. But, then again, we're literally just the Japanese Department of Heaven. Maybe he's actually jewish or something. Ha! Sorry. That was a stupid joke.
Honestly, growing up, I knew something was just...off. That I was different. Special. I mean, I think basically every kid thinks that, but I was actually right. I spent most of my youth pretty damn frustrated about everything, because the world was just so BORING. Nothing interesting ever happened! There were no aliens, no espers, no time travelers, no sliders, nothing! Just ordinary people.
It would be just my luck that I showed up in a Slice of Life World first. They are just so dull they're not even worth talking about most of the time. I mean, I run a bunch of them now, but I make sure to put in a few wacky elements wherever I can. Be kinda nice if I'd actually ever gotten any worlds with people with a bunch of superpowers, but I always was the odd one out even among gods.
So, anyway, there I was, growing up human. Super, duper boring. Part of it was because literally everything was easy for me. Study for a test? Why bother. I had perfect memory and if I thought about most things hard enough I could figure them out. Math in particular was a joke as I always intuitively knew all the answers even before the question was asked. Sports? Please. It's no fun to play when you are 9 years old and are already on the level of most professional athletes. Seriously, I ran a 13 second 100 meter dash before I was 10, could deadlift 50 kilos before I was 12, and I was a girl.
I mean, I sort of am still a girl, or at least I think so. It's weird. Ask Nagato, she knows more about it than me. Or at least she cares more about it than I do.
Everyone wanted me to go to some super elite private academy or try out for the highschool sports team, but what was the damn point? I already knew I would get the best grades and win everything I tried my hand at. So it would be boring before I even started.
In a desperate cry for help, for SOMETHING to happen, I made up my own language and snuck into school and wrote a message for aliens on the field.
Except, I didn't write those lines. Kyon did. As John Smith. I still think it's hilarious I make everyone call him that even after all these years.
I'd say I'm getting ahead of myself again, but honestly my timeline is messed up even by deity standards, so there you go. Anyway, Kyon came back in time, and for the first time EVER, something interesting happened! I thought he was like, a secret agent or an alien or whatever, or maybe just a jerk playing a prank on me, but it was fun! And I decided I was going to North High, because that's where John Smith was.
Fast forward a couple of years, and I meet Kyon, only I don't know he's John Smith and he hasn't met me yet because he doesn't travel back in time for a while. Complicated, see? But we hit it off, and we start the Spreading Excitement all Over the World with Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade. Or as Kyon called it (because even I admit that's kinda a mouthful) the SOS Brigade.
And I met an actual alien, time traveler, and esper. Only, I didn't KNOW they were an alien, time traveler, and esper. You see, I'd sort of subconsciously created all those things in what was supposed to be a totally normal slice of life world. I mean hell, the person who was supposed to be the ACTUAL main character lived in Tokyo (because of course they did). But I kept pulling in all this weird stuff, or just flat creating it outright, because I was bored.
And I didn't even know I was doing it. That's how talented I am.
For most rational beings, the idea that some rando highschool girl is actually a super powerful reality warper at the low end of the scale and literally God in the worst scenario is utterly terrifying. So, I sort of attracted the attention of some powerful forces. They sent representatives to keep an eye on me. Pretty quick, everyone realized that if I got bored, bad things happened, so they instructed their agents to keep me happy. Nagato, the alien interface who had no idea how to interact with humans, and was nearly as powerful as I was (and had a hell of a lot better control). Mikuru, the cute airheaded time traveler who just wanted to make everyone around her take a chill pill. Koizumi the esper, my very first worshiper.
He is still salty I won't sleep with him. Sorry, I just ain't interested. Kyon or Mikuru had a better chance anyway. Look, I know I act like I'm super into romance, and I really do like to set mortals up and get them to do the horizontal hula (I consider Nagato and Kyon my finest hour in that regard) but for me personally I've never been interested. Or at least not since ascension. Just like most natural born deities (figure that out) I've got no interest in procreation, because, well, we don't procreate that way.
And then there was Kyon. Who appeared to be a perfectly ordinary highschool student, and is still my best friend. We did all sorts of wacky stuff to keep me entertained. We made a bad movie, played baseball, I became a rockstar and then retired, all kinds of stuff all just to keep me from getting bored and starting a zombie apocalypse or something to entertain myself.
And you know what? It worked. That was easily the happiest time of my life. I loved every minute of it, even when I acted like I didn't. Hell, now that I remember it, I even enjoyed that time Nagato stole my powers and re-wrote the universe to try to hook up with Kyon. Seriously girl, all you had to do was show him your tits or something and he'd have been all up for it. He's not that complicated. But, well, when you're an alien trying to figure out how humans work, you do some weird stuff. I mean, just look at me.
But, all good things must come to an end, at least if you're a mortal anyway. And I just about destroyed the entire world when I thought my little slice of paradise was going to go away.
You'd think the apocalypse would be something cool: an alien power was going to invade and try to suck the goddess juices out of me. A cult formed and tried to unleash my hidden powers and use me to rule the universe. Another rival deity showed up and challenged me to a children's card game for the fate of the universe (or as Yami and I like to call it: Friday Night Magic. Because screw his stupid Duel Monsters game, he always wins! Swear to me, that's why I made Tet an Elder God: just to teach that smug prick Yami a lesson).
No, it was actually super lame: Mikuru was going to graduate from highschool. We'd had two glorious years together, and I wasn't ready to let her go.
Little did I know that everyone had this all worked out. Mikuru was going to get a job as a TA at North High, and become our club sponsor, while they introduced another Moe character for me to sexually harass. Did you know that Koizumi actually thought that if I got laid I'd have mellowed out? He seriously tried to get himself, Kyon, Mikuru, and even Nagato to bang me out of desperation. Oh man, that was hilarious. Apparently I accidentally turned him into a girl for a week when he put the moves on me and Kyon had to trick me into changing Koizumi back into a boy. I'm half convinced Kyon lost his virginity to fem!Koizumi but Nagato tells a different story and she's a terrible liar, but you can't take my fanfictions from me.
Also I created a pocket universe where that totally happened. One of the benefits of being god is you can make all your OTPs a reality even if they're ridiculous. Unfortunately Ainz invaded and slaughtered everyone, which makes me sick just thinking about it. Fem!Koizumi and Alt!Kyon had even had a couple of kids by that point, and my not-actually-a-deity alternate had hooked up with alt!Mikuru. Nearly got myself killed trying to save them. Anyway.
Ok, sorry, this is just...it's hard to talk about. Because I really, really hurt my friends during that time. I said and did some terrible things to them. Not, summon forth an eldritch being and eat them bad, just...regular, mean things that only your best friends and loved ones can do and say to you.
I won't go into all the details of what I said and did to them. What I did to Kyon was particularly hurtful. I think it's why I'll never actually have a real romance, because it drove him right into Nagato's arms, even as they desperately tried to keep the world from falling apart as I called into being increasingly bizarre things. I never really learned about any of them, mostly because I wasn't paying attention. I was too depressed and frightened about what would happen with Mikuru, my shy, quiet, eternally abused friend, left me for college.
Honestly it was just normal human teenager drama. Or in my case, deity teenager drama.
And, like any messed up teenager, I needed a grownup to come in and set me straight.
It started when I did something particularly egregious: I made us all go and watch Godzilla: Final Wars. There were some hijinks involved in that, but the worst was when I insisted on having us dress up as kaiju. I accidentally turned everyone into mini-kaiju, but Nagato undid it.
What she didn't undo was when I summoned Godzilla and had him wreck a small pacific island. She didn't even find out about that. No one did, really. Because someone else came in and took care of it, restoring the island's inhabitants and keeping things quiet, even though they literally summoned an ancient dragon to do it.
And the next day, we had a substitute teacher. He was actually super unremarkable. Quiet, nerdy looking guy, late 20s, early 30s, with glasses and a big smile. Sure, he was jacked to all hell, but I was too busy stewing in my own juices to notice.
"Good morning class, I'm Mr. Son. I'll be taking over for your teacher today. Please get out last night's homework."
"Ugh, this is so dumb," I complained. I leaned forward and poked at Kyon. "Hey, did you do the homework? I forgot."
Kyon spun about, going pale. He had correctly guessed I was about to do some serious deity level nonsense. "You forgot?! You never forget your homework!"
"After the movie I didn't feel like it. Man, I wish Godzilla would actually show up so I didn't have to deal with this," I whined.
There was a sudden thud outside, and the building trembled. I ignored it, earthquakes are boring when they happen all the time. Our teacher adjusted his glasses, frowning. "Sorry, just one moment. I need to deal with something."
He walked out of the room, and I grabbed Kyon's homework and copied it down, not even noticing he'd got up and ran after our teacher. Like most everyone else, I didn't notice when Son Gohan and Nagato stopped the rampaging kaiju in the city park. I was so busy copying down the homework I didn't even notice when all my classmates suddenly decided it was nap time.
In fact, I was so oblivious, I didn't even look up when someone sat in Kyon's seat. I'd given up on the homework and was doodling about our next Brigade activity, but I was really just dreading that we only had a month of school left before graduation.
"Haruhi Suzumiya?" a nasaly voice said.
I frowned, not bothering to look up. "Yeah, who's asking? Look, if I'm going to get in trouble for copying the homework, I want you to know it's Kyon's fault."
"My name is King Kai. And I think you and I need to talk about your little problem. This world isn't supposed to have kaiju in it."
I blinked, and looked up. Then I did the sensible thing and let out a scream and fell out of my desk, because a blue grasshopper man was talking to me. Look, I might have said I wanted to meet aliens and monsters my whole life, but actually coming face to face with a blue skinned man wearing sunglasses was enough to scare the hell out of me.
"Are...are you an alien?" I gasped, breathing hard as a huge grin spread over my lips. "Did you get my message!? Why did it take you so long to get here!?"
And rationality gone. I've never been able to maintain what most would consider a normal level of common sense and sanity for very long. It's my nature. Literally: I'm the Goddess of Comedy (and Shipping). I can't go five minutes without doing something weird.
"I suppose by most standards, I am an alien," the blue cricket guy agreed. "But we-"
There was the sound of running footsteps, and Koizumi and Mikuru ran into the room. She had a futuristic looking laser blaster, and he had a blowing sphere of energy in his hand.
"Get away from her!" Koizumi roared, and threw the ball of energy.
Only for the world's ugliest troll doll to appear in the way of the blast, and catch it like a frisbee.
"Hmph. Not even worth the bother if you ask me," the short guy with the tall hairdo muttered. He squashed his hands together, and the energy vanished.
"W-who are you?" Mikuru gasped, raising her gun in trembling hands. "I-if you don't leave Haruhi alone, I, I'll shoot!"
"How adorable. Listen, girly, I don't know how you avoided getting hit with King Kai's little trick, but that pop gun you have there isn't anything that could put a dent in a real saiyan warrior. Your boyfriend's energy blast wasn't totally pathetic for a human, but you're just not on my level."
"I don't know who you are," Koizumi growled, summoning another energy ball. "But if you threaten Haruhi, we'll end you!"
"Woah, woah, wait, hold up. When did you guys become secret agents or whatever?!" I demanded, standing up and pushing aside the guy who I would later learn can definitely take even me in a fight. Vegita's kinda an asshole, and I was so close to biting it right then. "This is so cool! Why didn't you tell me you were an esper, Koizumi?! You know the whole point of the Brigade is to find interesting people like that!"
Koizumi flinched back. "Um, this is all just a play. A, er, event, we created for you, Miss Suzimya. I'd appreciate it if you just stepped outside, while I had a discussion with these gentlemen."
"No need. I think I can see what's going on here," the blue guy said, coming over. He inspected Mikuru and Koizumi as Vegita stood in the background, glowering. He does a really good glower.
"I'm glad someone does. Why didn't you just take Kakarrot and his brat to solve this problem? I have things of my own to take care of, King Kai," Vegita spat, but he was tensed for a fight.
"Because she's already created her own Pantheon. These two are semi-divine already," King Kai said, nodding to Mikuru and Koizumi. "That's amazing. I've seen deities pop into existence before, but never one this powerful. How did she go unnoticed for so long?"
"Wait, what are you even talking about?" I demanded, rounding on King Kai. "Who are you, anyway, and why'd you just show up?"
"I'll explain later. Right now I need you to come with me, and get your two other friends to stand down. Goku and Gohan are having a hard time deescalating things without having to kill anyone, and I'd like to avoid that," King Kai told me.
"I am so up for an alien abduction right now!" I said eagerly. "Come on you guys, let's get Kyon and Nagato and go! This is going to be great"!
"Haruhi, this...you're not supposed to know about this," Koizumi cried, looking desperately between me and King Kai. "If you realize- everything we've worked for, the entire world, it could all be at risk!"
"It's already at risk. Don't worry, now that I'm here I'll stabilize everything and get things back to normal. But we really do need to go stop the fight that's brewing," King Kai said, and put a hand on my shoulder.
The next thing I knew, we appeared in what was left of the city park. There were smoking craters everywhere, the dead body of a kaiju lying across the road with big chunks blown out of the corpse, and two glowing golden super warriors facing down against a battered and bruised Nagato who was standing between them and a very frightened Kyon.
"I'm not going to let you hurt her!" Kyon was yelling at the golden men in the sky, one of which was my substitute teacher, only he'd ditched the glasses and gotten a dye job. "You harm one more hair on Nagato's head, and I'll tell Haruhi I'm John Smith! I don't care if you're from the Sky Canopy Dominion, The Data Overmind, or Ringling Brothers Traveling Circus! Once Haruhi's unleashed, it's all over for you!"
I gaped at Kyon, and couldn't help but exclaim, "You're John Smith?! How!?"
He spun about, his face full of anguish and rage. "Haruhi! You have to stop this madness! First godzilla, now Super Saiyens?! It's too much! I know you're upset about Miss Asahina leaving the Brigade, but this was always going to happen! We're going to grow up, move on with our lives! You have to get this under control!"
"Two more members of your pantheon," King Kai mused. He nodded to the floating super beings. "Alright, that's enough, Goku, Gohan. This isn't a problem you can solve by punching it."
"I sort of figured that out," the older warrior said, dropping to the ground. "This girl is strong, but she's just trying to protect her friends. I'd feel bad about fighting her."
"Kyon. What do I do? Do I eliminate them?" Nagato asked quietly. "I can tap into Haruhi Suzimiya's powers easily now that she is here. I should be able to eliminate all resistance. But there is no data on these beings: I cannot simulate what the likely outcome is."
"I don't know, Nagato. I think...I think we need to talk this out," Kyon said, and put an arm around her shoulders, as if to steady himself. She leaned into him, looking...well, scared. Which was weird, because Nagato never looked like much of anything, ever. I mean, she still barely reacts to anything, and she's had a while to develop her human emotions.
"Tap into my powers? What are you talking about?" I demanded, planting my hands on my hips. "What is going on? I mean, this is really exciting, but I'm sort of getting upset."
"Energy spike," Nagato said quietly, pressing herself against Kyon. "Haruhi Suzumiya is doing something."
"I can sense it as well," King Kai said grimly. "Right. We're taking this to my own ground. You two are willing to make peace?"
"If it means Haruhi doesn't destroy the world, yes," Kyon agreed. "And as long as you don't do anything to hurt Nagato any further."
"Alright. Goku, take them to my planet. Primary dimension," King Kai ordered. "I'll contact Vegita and have him bring the other two as well."
Next thing I knew, we were standing on a world so small you can run around it in about five minutes. The gravity was so dense that Kyon and Nagato flopped to the ground, but it barely affected me.
"Sorry, I'll just turn that off for a moment," King Kai said, and snapped his fingers. Kyon and Nagato stood up, at the same time troll doll appeared with Mikuru and Koizumi.
"I've brought the two humans, don't know why you bother," Vegeta growled. "We're going to mind wipe them and send them back, right?"
"That's not really an option at this point," King Kai sighed. "More likely I'll have to clone them and insert the clones with altered memories back into that reality. This is getting to be too much of a mess for one God to handle. Maybe Vash has the right idea in restructuring. But that's a debate for another time."
"Ok, hold up right there!" I ordered, pointing a finger at King Kai. "What is with this "god" nonsense?! There is no god, or if there is, he's super boring because there's nothing interesting in the world! Where's the adventure, the excitement, the weird monsters and ancient magic?"
"In you, mostly," King Kai told me. He sighed and removed his sunglasses, which I've rarely ever seen him do. He squinted at me with his beady little insect eyes, then nodded and replaced them. "You are a Goddess. One of the most powerful one's I've ever seen, and I'm the God of Shonen. It's no brag to say that I'm the most powerful and influential deity in all of the Heavenly Realms of Japan."
"What, like, shonen manga? Don't be stupid, I've never heard of King Kai," I sniffed. "Try again. But you don't look like Buddah or Jesus, so you'll have to get creative."
Oh, by the way, I have met about a dozen versions of the Buddah. He shows up all the time in Japan. He ranges from super boring to kind of boring. We don't talk much.
"Exactly like shonen manga. That is my primary aspect," King Kai agreed. "I am the Deity of Youthful Vigor, the God of Combat and Conquest, the Patron of Overcoming Limits and the Mentor of Heroes."
"Well why didn't you put any heroes in my world!" I demanded. "Why didn't you make ME a hero!?"
"Because your world was supposed to be a simple slice of life comedy with no fantasy elements." A clipboard appeared in King Kai's hands, and he paged through it. "It looks like Botan was in charge of your world. She's been on a slice of life kick since Urameshi retired and got married. She wasn't really monitoring your world too heavily though, just had some minor deities keeping things humming."
"Er, Haruhi, you're taking this all remarkably well," Kyon said, turning towards me. Nagato had separated from him, and was eyeing Vegita and Father and Son (get it?!) with calm readiness, despite her injuries.
"I mean, am I supposed to have an apoplexy or something? Kyon, this is everything I've ever wanted! Aliens, monsters and-"
Kyon grabbed me by my collar and hauled me up to his eyes level, his eyes burning with anger and madness. "You don't get it, do you!? Look at us! Koizumi hasn't slept in days because he's been dealing with your constant nightmares! Asahina has aged a year in a few days because she's had to go jumping through time so much! And Nagato just had to fight SON GOKU! How in the hell do you not know who SON GOKU IS!?"
I blinked at Kyon. "Um, because I've never heard of him? Yo, Nagato, you've read like, every book. You know who Son Goku is?"
"No information found on this subject," Nagato replied, her tone calm and even, despite the murder in her eyes.
Kyon dropped me, spinning around. "What?! How do you- Look, Koizumi, Asahina...back me up? You've heard of Son Goku, right? Dragon Ball? Ring any bells?"
"Can't say that I have," Koizumi said with a shake of his head, his eyes never leaving Vegita, who was smirking in amusement.
"N-no," Mikuru whispered, her gun trembling in her hands as it pointed at the ground. Poor Asahina. She's never been good in a fight. None of us are, really. We sure as hell learned that from Nazarick real damn quick.
But then I looked. I mean, really looked, and I realized that all my friends looked beat to hell. Had I done that? Spoiler alert: Yes. Yes I had.
Kyon however, was still frantic. "How could you not? I mean, I've sort of wondered sometimes why I never saw any Dragon Ball manga or posters anymore, haven't since middle school but…" he trailed away, frowning. Then he slapped his palm into his forehead. "Oh god. I'm the slider. You wanted an alien, an esper, a time traveler, and a slider. So you yanked me all unknowing from another dimension to cater to your little delusions."
"I think it's time I laid things out properly," King Kai sighed. "You, Haruhi Suzimiya, are a goddess. You appear to be born of mortals. That happens, from time to time, but it's obvious you have always had an innate divine spark. We looked into your world, and the disruptions to the fabric of reality go back exactly 17 years, nearly to the moment you were conceived. As you grew, so did your power. Until it could no longer be hidden, or contained. I believe you invested much of your power into your friends here: extensions of your will and desires."
"Wait, hold on, are you saying I'm some sort of god now?" Kyon demanded. "Because I've seen a lot of things, but that's just silly! If I were a god, why do I still have to deal with all the day to day crap?! Why do I have to put up with Haruhi's nonsense instead of just waving my hand and making things normal!"
"You don't want to, remember?" Nagato asked. "You chose this world. You chose a life of adventure and fantasy, instead of a normal one. You turned the key I gave you."
Kyon looked pained, but nodded. "I...I suppose that's true enough. If...if I'm honest, even with all the insanity...these past few years have been the most fun I've ever had."
"Right!? That's the whole point! We're supposed to make the world more fun!" I declared. I rounded on King Kai. "So if I'm a goddess, that's what I'm going to do! We're going to keep right on spreading happiness around the world, to make everyone laugh, and smile, and fall in love! Because that's what life should be! An adventure with friends!"
"Hmmm," King Kai stroked his chin tentacle things, then slowly nodded. "Very well. It's going to take a long time to train you properly, but I think we can manage that. There's more to being a deity than goofing off and having fun. We are the light for the mortal races, leading them towards a better future. But I know that not everyone wants to gain strength through battle. And I'm a bit of a comedian myself. And you make me smile, Haruhi. So let's get to it."
Training is super boring, even if it's a montage, so we're literally skipping the next few hundred years. Oh, don't worry about Goku and Vegita and Gohan. They're mostly mortal, but they're also in an endless cycle of rebirth and renewal as King Kai's chosen champions. He can call up their most potent forms as his enforcers or whatever essentially at will. They are some of the strongest beings in all of reality, or at least some of the strongest I've ever met. If I had to fight Goku, I would lose.
I know that's hard to wrap your head around, but we gods are fueled by the belief of mortals. If a mortal believes strongly enough they can kill you, they can do it. There's more to it than that of course, but deities actually don't have all that much raw fighting power, aside from certain exceptions like Seiya. Our mandate is to guide and empower for the most part. Sure, we can literally make things from nothing, and we're not exactly weaklings when it comes to fights, but most of our power is locked up.
Personally, I use most of my energy keeping Comedy running. I keep all the Afterlifes that the various mortal races are in are working, so that they're either happy or learning their damn lesson before we kick them back out to be reborn. My power literally holds multiple universes together, and is the basis for dozens and dozens of magic systems. I actually have almost no power myself outside of the Divine Realm. I never needed it, and if I'm honest it kinda scares me what I can do if my power isn't being appropriately channeled.
Making Godzilla pop up in a city park is low balling it for me. Once, I had a really weird dream and created Pop Team Epic on accident. Literally an entire screwball universe just appeared out of nothing by my subconscious. That's why I make sure that almost all of my power is invested at nearly all times. I just keep the lights on, so to speak, and occasionally do some direct miracles to help people out, like that time I saved Ristarte and Seiya's kid from being bound to a demon lord's soul.
But I know the real reason you're here. Yeah. Let's talk about Aqua. My...ugh. First born daughter.
It's not like I had a fling with a sea god and nine months later I popped a kid out of the baby maker. That's not how it works. I mean, I suppose I could do something like that. I made up the "no gods boinking" rule because I thought it was funny. Well, that and there would be a serious population control issue if we just let immortal deities start making kids whenever they want. Or so Kyon lectured me at any rate. Stupid jerk has like three kids with Nagato, but what do I know? I'm only God. (Also you can totally get around that rule if you're willing to go mortal for a few decades, I'm pretty damn lenient as long as it's true love and not just a deity abusing their power. Or you just take a vacation in Danmachi where I just let my people blow off some steam).
Anyway, I'd just finished my training with King Kai. I learned all the good stuff. How to listen to mortal prayers, and help them with their lives. How to found cults and religions, and create suitable afterlives. How the Great Cycle of Reincarnation works, and how mortal souls can only be created, never destroyed (or at least that's how it should work, you can do some pretty messed up stuff if you really want to but only asshole deities we make it a policy to hunt down do crap like that. Not even Alucard, that bastard, is evil enough to violate that law).
Right about then, the Grand Restructuring of The Heavenly Realm of Japan was just wrapping up. It's long and stupid and boring and complicated but the skinny is this: there used to be only the Big Five. Shonen, Shojo, Seinen, Josei, and Kodomo. However, over time, things got too huge to manage. Since mortal souls are only created, not destroyed, and the same mostly holds true for deities, the Five Divisions of Heaven had gotten bloated and out of control.
Thus, the restructuring. Shonen, which I was a part of, split off into a lot of factions. CC became the Goddess of Mecha. Arceus (who sorta used to work for Kodomo but kinda not. It's complicated) because the God of Mons. Of course, Yami became the God of Children's Card Games (ok, he's the God of the Gaming division, but I insist on the former). There's a bunch of others you don't need to worry about, but I became the Goddess of Comedy. King Kai is still the God of Shonen, but he's more accurately the God of Shonen Battle.
The other divisions also restructured, save for Kodomo which is just kind of a mess anyway so no one cared. Honestly everything is convoluted still and there's a lot of times when we cross over into other divisions territory and it makes this huge bunch of arguing deities, but overall it works. Sort of. But what this really meant is I literally had my own Division to run now. It was made up of all the cast offs of the other divisions, worlds they didn't feel like keeping because they were weak or silly or whatever. But I loved them all and did my best to make things awesome for everyone. Even the cliche harem ones.
Of course, I had help. The SOS Brigade stuck with me. I don't actually know why, aside from us being friends. I told them they could go back and live normal lives, but they all turned me down. Kyon became John Smith, Director of Personnel. He's dating the Director of Magic, Yuki Nagato. Or are they married? I didn't do it, and I've never really asked as since as far as I'm concerned my job is done once they start bumping uglies on the regular.
Ok, yes, Koizumi was Director of Space, and Asahina became Director of Time. They all had their own little jobs, and we had a number of worlds that were ours right off the bat. I inherited a LOT of harem comedy world. I think King Kai has a bit of a fetish but I've never been able to get him to give me a straight answer. I had some deities kicking around to help me out too, ranging from Tet who started off as just some random angel I promoted because he's good at his job to Ristarte who started off as a mortal reincarnated as a junior deity.
Some people will tell you that comedy is a bunch of screwups and useless goddesses, but the reality is that we're SUPPOSED to be that way. We're supposed to make mortals laugh, love, and enjoy life. And, well, one way we do that is by showing them it's OK to laugh at us. It's not even really intentional for most of us, but we all do it. I don't go in for that dark comedy bullshit (that's Zetsubou's job). All my worlds are supposed to have happy endings (literally: everyone should bang at the end, but sometimes I have to sneak stuff past the censors). And then Ainz showed up. But that's depressing so let's skip over that for now.
After a few years of figuring things out, I decided I was ready to have kids.
Actually, that's a lie. Like most first time parents, there was an accident.
First, I had an idea. Like all of my ideas (even Isekai Quartet, because at least I rescued Subaru and Naofumi's groups) it was super amazing and awesome. I ran over to Kyon's office and barged in.
"Kyon, I've just had an fantastic idea for a new set of worlds!" I told him.
He looked up from his paperwork with an irritated expression. "What, is it more deformed little girls flipping people off and making rude jokes?"
"No, this one is WAY better than Pop Team Epic," I told him, shoving aside the paperwork and sitting cross legged on the desk, a wide grin on my face. He looked irritated, but also intrigued. We were both kinda young and inexperienced back then, only a few centuries, and Comedy wasn't tiny but we also weren't at war for our lives so things were pretty fun.
"Listen to this: you remember those cool old shows like Escaflone, Inuyasha, or El Hazard where the protagonist gets sucked away to another world?"
"I do recall those, yeah."
"I've totally got an idea for a whole new set of worlds: Ones where they're based off of video games, but instead of just choosing some brave hero, we send off shut in NEETs and Hikikomori types who obsess about that stuff!"
That's right: I'm responsible for the Isekai Craze. I told you I'm awesome.
Kyon rubbed his nose, groaning in irritation. "Haruhi, that sounds like a terrible idea. Those types would never be able to save those worlds."
"That's where my super awesome idea comes in! We get some of our goddesses to help and empower those heroes, just like Ristarte and those other guys do! I'll need to recruit a bunch more goddesses for this! They should totally be hilarious: convincing enough they can talk a NEET into risking his life for a fantasy world, but dumb enough that they actually think this is a good idea! They should also only be good at healing and stuff, otherwise it would be too easy and-"
There was a loud, wet splash, and Kyon and I turned to find a beautiful young woman with blue standing there, dripping wet.
"Um, hello? You guys got any snacks? I'm kinda hungry," the blue haired girl said.
"Wait, who are you? I've not seen you around before," I said, squinting.
"I dunno, all I know is that I'm a super amazing goddess! Obviously someone as talented as me must be a super powerful deity! Hmm, I don't think I have any mortal followers. I'm going to have to fix that, a goddess such as myself deserves some worship," the blue chick declared.
"Oh lord," Kyon groaned, face palming again. He does that a lot. He claims it's only when I'm around but I think he does it all the time even when I'm not there. "Haruhi, I think you just created this goddess."
"Oh man! Are you a goddess to help empower heroes to take down Devil Kings!?" I asked eagerly.
"I think so, that sounds like something I would do," the bluenette agreed. "Seriously though, snacks?"
I conjured up a bag of chips and some champagne. "Heck yeah! This is going to be great! Come on Kyon, let's celebrate! I'm going to start a new trend: The Isekai Program! We're totally going to save a bunch of worlds with heroes from another world! All those stupid demons and devil kings that keep bothering our fantasy realms will never know what hit them."
The newbie took the bottle out of my hands, then chugged it. She let out a happy sigh. "Oh man, this hits the spot! I totally bet I could take out a devil king myself, because I'm such an amazing goddess, but getting some stupid NEETs to do all the work sounds fun too."
"Perfect!" I studied the girl, then grinned and nodded. "I'm going to name you; Aqua! You will be a goddess of water, and a muse of the arts and-"
Look, it's embarrassing, but I sort of went overboard with Aqua's powers and stuff. What can I say? She was my first kid, we all tend to overdo it with them. I'm not really her mom or anything, she turned up as more or less as much of an adult as I am (haha, Kyon, yes, I know, debatable) and she got right to that whole Isekai thing. Worked out pretty great, until she got herself stuck with Kazuma Sato. Mostly her own fault though.
And as for me, well...I'm typing this up just after I sent my own daughter away to save her. She'd violated a lot of rules, and Alucard was calling for her head, and it was looking more and more like the Diet was going to vote to punish Aqua if I didn't do something. She could have died, or worse. I've seen what Horror can do now. But Aqua was in dire peril anyway.
Ainz has killed almost all of Aqua's followers. We did a rollback on one world, but things are still dicy there. I had to make her mostly mortal just so she could survive. King Kai's offered a helping hand, and as much as I hate to basically have to crawl back to my dad and ask for help, I'm at my wits end. I've tried everything to save my Division, but Ainz just can't be stopped by jokes and shipping.
It's going to take something else. It's going to take a real group of heroes. And there's no better place to find heroes than in Shonen. They're risking their lives for this, those brave heroes, even if they don't know it. This could give Alucard the excuse he needs to call in allies of his own. The Kaiju, Disaster, War, and other unsavory and violent divisions would be more than happy to partake in a war between gods. We have to tread carefully. And I'll do everything I can to help Izuku Midoriya, Kazuma Sato, and all the others. And make sure Aqua survives this.
But I'm totally making sure they all get shipped with someone. King Kai might think my boys and girls are there just to train but we're injecting some love and laughter into this Boku No Hero Academia world if it's the last thing I do.
Actually, all things considered...It just might be. Because Ainz has gone far enough. I'm not letting Alucard kill any more gods or mortals. This ends here. One way or another.
It was fun while it lasted.
