Beta'd and edited by The Evil Within

Chapter 16: Unleash the Holy Sword!

So you have to decide between a life without sex or a gruesome death? Tough call.

— Phillip J. Fry

Lying on top of the tangled bedsheets, Kazuma and Megumin both panted for breath as they embraced on another.

"I think...I think that's everything. But well, you know," Kazuma gasped, grinning proudly at Megumin

"Yes," Megumin agreed, a smug look on her flushed face. "I guess no one can call you a virgin anymore."

"Hey now, technically, we're both still virgins," Kazuma protested, a lazy grin creeping across his lips.

"Yeah, no. Nice try though. Good grief."

Kazuma and Megumin let out a squawk of panic, clinging tighter to one another at the sudden voice.

"Who is it?!" Megumin demanded, grabbing for one of the sheets and trying to cover herself. "I'll blow them to bits! Exp-"

"Not inside!" Kazuma cried, covering her mouth. But he still glared at the drapes around them. "Skinning this bastard alive, however, isn't off the table. Where's my sword?!"

Megumin giggled. "Still worn out, it looks like."

"Not that! I mean Chunchunmaru!" Kazuma stuck his hand out to the dresser beyond the drapes, fumbling around for a moment. He also grabbed Megumin's staff, tossing it to her as he brandished his sword. Then the both of them stuck their heads out of the drapes, weapons at the ready. Kazuma blinked at the sight that greeted them.

Whatever he had expected, a harried looking Japanese salaryman in a cheap suit wasn't it. Despite the fact that it was the middle of the night, the man wore sunglasses, and was yawning into his hand.

"Will you two quit screwing around, literally and metaphorically, and get out here already?" the salaryman complained, glancing at a watch on his wrist tiredly. "Look, I'm very busy, and I just don't have time for this right now. Good grief, you goddesses pick the worst times for this."

"Hey man, what the hell are you doing here?! This is our private room!" Kazuma shouted, pointing his sword at the main in a shaking motion.

"Yes! And I left specific instructions that I would Explode anyone who interrupted us!" Megumin snarled. "So if you don't leave right now, so help me, I'll-"

"Yeah yeah, let's just take this somewhere else, you're clearly not going to cooperate," the salaryman sighed, snapping his fingers.

The next thing Kazuma knew, he was sitting naked in a chair itself floating in a pool of light, a shocked looking Megumin in an identical chair next to him, equally devoid of coverings.

"Alright, let's just get down to it," the salary man said, sighing again and sitting down across from them, a chair of his own suddenly manifesting. He took out a pen from his front pocket and clicked it, a clipboard appearing in a flash of color in his hands. "Let's see, you're the goddess of...Explosions?! Since when did we have a goddess of explosions!"

"What are you doing!?" Megumin cried, jumping behind her chair and trying to hide. "This is inappropriate! I am a goddess, you know! You can't just treat me like this!"

"Yeah!" Kazuma agreed from his own position hiding behind his chair and trying to cover himself, while also trying to get an eyeful of Megumin. The lighting was… doing interesting things to her sweat-covered skin, to say the least. And she always was cute when she was angry.

"I know, that's what I just said. Let's see, you were recruited by...oh, good grief. Of course. Aqua. I should have known." The salaryman rubbed his temples. "Ugh. What was the Chief thinking when she created Aqua? That goddess has been nothing but trouble."

"Well, I mean, yeah, but at least she doesn't kidnap people and make them answer questions while they're naked!" Kazuma shouted.

"Oh, right, sorry. Here." The salaryman snapped his fingers, and two sets of robes appeared on the chairs. Kazuma and Megumin quickly scrambled into them, still glaring at their abductor.

"Just who the hell are you, anyway?" Kazuma demanded. "The god of cockblocking assholes!?"

"You can call me John Smith," the man said, leafing through his clipboard. "I'm the god of, well, basically everything, though officially I'm the Director of Personnel or something. I'm from Upper Management."

Kazuma and Megumin shared a worried look, then slowly sat down in their chairs, feeling their indignation give way to subtle fear. Aqua had always warned them to stay away from Upper Management, or getting their attention, mostly because it would likely result in them being kicked out of the divine realm.

"So," Smith said, looking up with a hangdog expression. "Congratulations. You've slept with a goddess and/or your first mortal. Huzzah. There are, of course, consequences, Mister...wait. This can't be right. You're human, how are you 215? Where have you...Oh good grief."

"Um, I don't know what you're talking about," Kazuma said. "I'm obviously 17. Or was it 18? Look, see, I was an ordinary Japanese High School student, and-"

"No, you were a shut-in NEET that got swept up in our Isekai program, because those types are desperate enough that they'll let us throw them into the most absurd situations with minimal complaints," Smith interrupted, his eyes darting back and forth on the page before him. "Ok, just what was Aqua up to? She kept you here in the divine realm for centuries! What were you even doing all that time?!"

"Um, playing video games together, mostly," Megumin admitted.

Smith looked up at her, scowling, then flipped through a few pages. "Oh, you have to be kidding me. Of course. You two knew each other as mortals, and finally decided to consummate your relationship the moment you got sent back to the mortal realm. Well, since you're both technically inhabitants of the divine realm, I guess that makes you both gods which makes this even weirder, somehow."

"So...do I get to keep empowering my followers?" Megumin asked, clutching her staff nervously. "We really need them to finish taking down the Lord of the Tomb, and well, we were trying to stay technical virgins so-"

"Oh please. Just because you two managed to avoid sticking it in a single orifice when you thoroughly exploited every other way of getting each other off does not make you virgins by any but the most asinine of definitions. I'm not stupid, and neither is the Chief," Smith told them, sounding completely exasperated. "I swear, every god and goddess tries this the first time. Let's step back a second though. You're actually fighting Nazarick? And you haven't been utterly crushed yet?"

"Um, the Great Tomb? Yeah, we've iced a bunch of generals," Kazuma said, not too sure about the sudden topic shift. "We killed the Duke of Terror, this robot maid, a lightning wizard maid, and a weird girl who summoned an army of goblins."

"My group took out the Wolf Queen, a predator slime and a weird bug monster, and they all looked like maids too. Naturally, my incredible mastery of Explosion magic was key to our success, and I personally dealt the finishing blow to-"

Kazuma rolled his eyes and interrupted. "The kids with the weird quirks got most of the kills, you know, the ones from that crazy future version of Japan?"

Smith sat back, looking gobsmacked, while Megumin glared at Kazuma. "You've taken out five of the Pleiades and two Area Level Guardians? That's...OK. Well then. Look, we're going to make an exception, for now. Normally I'd give you the whole spiel, but honestly, this is more progress than I had any right to expect, especially not from a couple of half baked NEETs who seem to have stumbled their way into divinity. I'm overworked as it is, but finally managing to push Ainz back...yes. You're keeping your status as a goddess. Contingent on future performance."

"What about me?" Kazuma whined, having literally died for the cause. More than once.

"Well, I'm not instantly reincarnating you or sending you off to heaven, so count your literal blessings," Smith told him flatly, making Kazuma shut up and sit on his hands. "We're done here. We'll be having another talk once you've managed to either die again or driven Nazarick off your world. You can guess which one I'd prefer." Then, with another snap of his fingers, Kazuma and Megumin found themselves standing naked in their room once more.

"What just happened?" Kazuma asked, looking around and blinking. "Was that some stupid dream or something?"

"I think...I think he really was from Upper Management," Megumin said, clutching at herself and shivering. "Kazuma, I sensed an overwhelmingly powerful aura from him."

Awkwardly, Kazuma stepped forward, wrapping Megumin in his arms to comfort her. "Hey, it's alright. Seems like we got away with it, even impressed him. I mean, I guess those maids were really strong or something. But, you know what this means?" Kazuma leered down at Megumin, and to his delight, she gave him a smug grin.

"Yes. No reason not to go all the way now. But, is the Holy Sword ready to venture unknown depths?" Megumin teased, moving side to side slyly.

"Oh, I'll be sure to boldly go."

It took a little bit of effort, but as it turned out, Excalibur was indeed more than up to the task, to their mutual delights.

The next morning, after a bonus round, Kazuma strolled down to the shared dinning room, where Izuku and Tokoyami were sitting at a table together, stupid, satisfied grins on their faces. Kazuma attempted to wipe his own languid smile away, but decided it wasn't worth the effort.

"Good morning," Kazuma sighed, sitting at the table and sipping at his mug of hot tea.

"Yeah," Midoriya said, sounding dazed. "It's good."

"Very good," Tokoyami agreed, his tone more distant than usual. Dark Shadow was on the floor, snoring with an arm covering his face.

Kazuma raised his mug to the center of the table in a silent toast, and the other two gently tapped their to his in agreement.

"We have become men," Kazuma said seriously. "No longer shall anyone call us virgin NEETs."

"No one ever called either of us a NEET, Kazuma," Tokoyami chuckled. "And we didn't spend hundreds of years as virgins, so we've hardly shed wizard status as you have."

"I thought Megumin was the wizard and you were an Adventurer?" Midoriya asked, looking a bit confused.

"You know, I'm going to let that go, just for today," Kazuma sighed, leaning back in his chair. "Nothing could go wrong today. Heck, I even feel like I could march right up to the Lord of the Tomb, and say-"

"KAZUMAAAAAAA!" Aqua wailed rushing into the room. She was still in her pajamas, and her hair was a frazzled mess. She frantically rushed over to Kazuma, who held up his hand, sipping at his tea.

"Aqua, I'm in a good mood this morning. So whatever disaster you're going to drop on me, it can at least wait until after breakfast."

"Upper Management came! I'm in so much trouble! They found out that I was keeping you in the Divine Realm against regulations and they said that I'm going to face serious consequences! What do I do?! This is all your fault!" Aqua wailed, dropping on her knees and soaking Kazuma's arm with literal rivers of tears.

"Oh relax. Smitty or whatever wasn't so bad. Why, he paid Megumin and I a visit last night, even said congratulations and stuff. Hell, he even confirmed I'm a god, so things are going to be just fine," Kazuma consoled Aqua, though each word seemed to stab into her instead.

"You don't understand! He said...he said if we don't defeat the Lord of the Tomb in this world, he's going to, he's going to," Aqua hiccuped, tears and snot streaming down her face. "Make me mortal!"

Izuku and Tokoyami exchanged flat looks.

"Oh, the horror," Tokoyami said dryly.

"I mean...it could be worse?" Izuku managed.

Kazuma, on the other hand, started freaking out. "What!? He can't do that! You're our only prayer against the guy! It's your stupidly OP goddess powers that give us a chance to take down that undead bastard!"

"What's happening now?" Uraraka groaned, walking into the room and scratching at herself. She yawned. "I heard Aqua making a fuss from my room. What happened?"

"I'm going to get kicked out of the divine realm forever!" Aqua wailed. "I'll lose all my stuff, and my powers and...and I'd have to...huh."

"What?" Kazuma demanded, feeling sick with panic. "What? You'll be able to still help, right?"

"No, I mean...I could just hang out with all of you," Aqua mused. "I mean, that's what I really wanted anyway. Sure, we'd die and all, but I know people, they owe me some favors. We could all just get reincarnated and be friends forever!" Aqua cheered, seemingly completely over her previous fear.

"You useless idiot!" Kazuma snapped, grabbing Aqua's shoulders and shaking her violently. "No one's getting reincarnated if the Lord of the Tomb takes over all the worlds and wipes out all the humans like he's been trying to do!"

Tears welled up in Aqua's eyes again. "It's not my fault! I've been trying to stop him by giving people all sorts of cheat items! But I didn't want to send you all back because if my friends died again I'd feel terrible, and if he kills me while I'm here like this I'll be gone forever and I'll never get to see any of you again!"

That brought Kazuma up short. "You mean...you couldn't be reborn, or anything?"

"No, I'm not just incarnated, I'm fully here. There's nothing back in the divine realm for me, if I die, I'm gone forever," Aqua said mournfully. She sniffed. "I mean, it happens to all gods eventually. You lose all your followers, or you just get bored after a few hundred millennia and just...go away. I didn't really care before, but ever since I met you, and Megumin, and Darkness, and now Midoriya and Hatsume and I guess even Uraraka and Tokoyami, my life's been a lot more fun. So...I guess maybe being a mortal won't be too bad…"

Blinking, Kazuma looked down at Aqua. "You really mean…? Aqua...that means a lot, but...this isn't the time to be losing your goddess powers."

"Actually, I have something to confess," Megumin said, fidgeting with her staff as she walked into the dining room. "Um, Kazuma and I sort of attracted the attention of Upper Management last night, and we maybe almost lost my own goddess status. Apparently, they don't believe in technical virgins."

"Oh." Tokoyami blushed, looking over to Darkness, who tried to hide behind her mug of ale. "We, er, sort of got busted last night too."

"See, this is what happens when you all act like a bunch of horny perverts. Much easier just to stay single," Uraraka sighed. "I guess I'm the only one who DIDN'T get a night visitor because I actually managed to keep it in my pants."

"You have a boy thing?" Mei asked, skipping into the room. She hurried over and sat down next to Izuku, looking very pleased with herself. "They are a lot of fun you know, but I do not think I would want one myself, it would feel funny."

Uraraka sputtered, going red. "I don't-look, it's just an expression. So what's the long and short of things?"

"Basically, we have to go defeat the Lord of the Tomb. Smith said something about Ainz? Is that his name?" Kazuma asked.

Aqua gave him a weird look. "Yeah, don't you remember?"

"Remember what?" Kazuma asked, as Megumin planted herself on his lap, sticking her tongue out at Uraraka. It was rather nice, actually, and he put an affectionate hand on her hip. She adjusted it to somewhere more...interesting. Man, she was great.

"We went to school together for like a year or something with Ainz. Seriously? I thought you were smarter than that, Kazuma. Obviously he's the Lord of the Tomb."

"Wait, when did you and I ever go to school together?" Kazuma demanded. "Did you know me back in Japan? Why did you never mention this!"

"I mean, it might have been in Japan. Don't you remember? It was a plot by Upper Management or something to make us 'grow as individuals' or whatever. We were all there, even Yunyun and Eris and that smug prick Vanir," Aqua explained, not understanding how he wasn't remembering this.

"What are you talking about?" Megumin said, scowling. "I went to school with Yunyun, but the rest of you didn't, and I certainly don't remember Vanir being there or this Ainz."

"Are you kidding?! We were there forever! We were in Class 2, and that weird guy Roswaal from Subaru and them's world was our teacher," Aqua said.

"Aqua, I don't remember anything like that," Darkness said slowly. "Why don't you tell us about it."

Kazuma sat, flabbergasted, as Aqua went through what sounded like an improbable and impossible time where apparently, he and his three friends (and Yunyun) had gone to school with a bunch of people from other worlds, including, it seemed, the Lord of the Tomb Ainz Ooal Gown, and the maids that they'd killed.

"How...how do I not remember this?" Kazuma said, rubbing his forehead and scowling.

"I don't know, you guys never talked about it so I didn't either. But I always knew Ainz and his flunkies were bad news! That's why I tried to kill him while we were together, but the stupid rules there prevented me from exacting rightieous justice upon him!" Aqua declared.

"Well, that explains why he's looking for Aqua then," Izuku observed. "These Pleiades, they were looking for Aqua, trying to kill her. That must be why he invaded your world."

Aqua looked thunderstruck. "You mean...it's my fault that Kazuma, and Darkness, and Megumin...and all my other friends...it's my fault everyone died?"

"Perhaps that is why Ainz seeks you in particular, but it is clear he's been conquering other worlds at a rapid pace," Tokoyami pointed out. "He would have found your world eventually."

"Yeah, and he seems bent on killing all the humans he finds. Personally, I think it's good you stood up to him Aqua," Uraraka said. "The only problem is, you didn't manage to finish the job."

"Well, now we can fix that, and kill this jerk like we did all the other ones!" Mei proclaimed.

"You did good though, I don't know why we don't remember this, but it could be really useful." Kazuma said, smiling at Aqua. "This time though, I think we'll need your help to beat him. You said he's undead, right? Well, I don't know anyone better at beating the undead than you, Aqua. Plus, this time we've got some help along."

Authors Note:

This is and always has been, primarily a Konosuba/MHA crossover. However, Isekai Quartet is canon (for a given value of how seriously you can take it). Outside of those taking the antagonist role, at best the others will get a cameo. As alluded to earlier, various members of the MHA cast got Isekai'd to other worlds connected to Isekai Quartet. All you really need to know is that the big bad (AKA Ainz AKA The Lord of the Tomb) figured out there were other worlds, and decided to conquer them, and really wants to kill Aqua for some reason. The rest is just flavoring for the wider universe.

John Smith is...someone else.