189Right now I'm sitting in front of an assortment of people with technicolor hair and impossibly big proportions.
I have absolutely no idea how my life became so void of any sense and/or sanity.
Well, I'm lying, of course I know how I got here, but it still is nontheless baffling.
Now, you may be wondering why the everloving fuck I'm starting in media res, like a fucking moron, instead of doing it from the fucking start, like a normal person.
And the answer is pretty simple.
Everything before this wasn't really that extraordinary.
Well, I'm lying again, of course there are *two teeny tiny details* that make it so.
But aside from that it was all pretty normal, well, as normal as it gets.
What where we talking about? Ah yes, the technicolor people.
"Well?" Redhead says. Fuck, I need to stop spacing out.
"Uh, sorry could you repeat that? Wasn't listening." I really didn't want to sound like such a jackass and it feels like I'm burying my own grave right now.
She takes this in stride though. "Could you please explain to us what are your intentions?"
Intentions? "Well, my intentions could be easily summarized as staying out of trouble." Perfect, avoid involvement ASAP.
"Staying out of trouble? Why is that?" What are you, a fucking psychologist? Stay outta my mind.
"Because I don't want to get in trouble? What the fu-" Oops, potty mouth. "What do you want me to say?"
She is considering my words, seriously red lady with non proportionate assets, let me go. Quiero ser libre~ Libre libre, como el viento~
She looks at me "Would you consider joining my peerage?" Ah, the dreaded question, what will it be what will it be, curiosity is killing me.
Hell no "Sorry but I'm not interested" I really try to put all the polite juices that I have left in my husk of a body into that sentence.
She looks really disappointed, almost makes me feel bad. Almost. She suddenly changes her kicked puppy expression to a uh, determined one? "Well, we'll see about that." Wait what.
"What?" Fuck, said it out loud.
"I said that we will see about that, you'll learn that us devils can be very persuasive when we want." Titty Warfare™ then, fuck me.
"Uh, yeah, sure." I seriously just want to get the fuck out of there. I stand up from this very comfortable chair and go towards the door, technicolor gazes still following me.
...Seriously, what the fuck is up with that, please don't hurt me.
I finally reach the doors "Goodbye." I'd really like to say something else, much more colorful and with a string of very not polite words but I really want to live and not die
"See you tomorrow." Redhead says. Not if I can do anything about it. I open the (literally) godforsaken doors and step through
I close the doors.
...
FUCK.
I really, really, really, really didn't even want to talk to the fucking scooby gang, but here I am, having just finished talking to scooby doo himself, but with tits and red hair.
The first fucking objective I set upon myself the moment I realized WHERE I really ended up was to not get involved in the shitshow.
Guess what, I just got involved and now the shitshow knows where I am and who I am, and I really don't like shows with shit, I like having my person very far from any substance related to human feces thank you very much.
I was just going to sit down and let the fireworks go, maybe with some popcorn, and let the shitshow solve itself. I was supposed to be a nobody here and that was fucking perfect for me.
But I just know that dream of fading into nothingness won't really happen now, the universe wouldn't be happy without giving me my daily kick in the balls, balls that don't even resemble what they once were, after all the abuse.
I start walking home at the fastest speed I can muster, which isn't very much to be truthful, while thinking about how fucked I am.
Because it oh so happens that I know what the fuck is going to happen now, oh yes I know.
Introducing Teeny Tiny Detail That Makes My Life Not Ordinary™ Número Uno: I am not from this world.
Yes, unexpected, don't fall over your seat. I know this is the most overused trope ever since the creation of Alice in motherfucking Wonderland but it's not like I even wanted to be here.
How did I get here? Heh, wouldn't I want to fucking know. I was about to end my last year of high school, preparing for college and having an overall direction in my life
And then one day I wake up in MOTHERFUCKING JAPAN. Fucking. Japan. I still can't get over this fucking bullshit.
Thank god I had the Japanese Language DLC Pre-Installed in my person because fucking hell, I really didn't want to learn this fucking language.
Then again, presumably God himself was the one who put me here, so fuck him anyway.
This whole fucking situation has to be some sort of awful sitcom to some twisted deity who enjoys displacing stupid fucking teenagers into another dimensions.
Ah yes, dimensions, forgot to mention that this wasn't the good old Japan that all the weeaboos wet themselves over, but it was in fact an even worse version, if that's possible.
It's Technicolor-Gravity Defying Tits-Shitty Harem with a pint of Half-Assed Mythologies Japan, The DxD Japan if you will.
The fact that I even know what the fuck DxD is in the first place brings me great shame, one can never erase the weeaboo years.
Never.
I remember having watched the anime and the novels of this fucking wreck of a show. Seriously, before all of this happened I used to remember what this show used to be like, and then end up laughing at the sheer stupidity of it all.
Not laughing much now to be honest. Because one thing is laughing at this shit from the comfort of my very rational not stupid universe and the other is living in a very not rational stupid one.
I look around and notice that I'm halfway to my house, at least it isn't that far away.
The house I woke up in is at least serviceable, I have all the basic necessities for life in there and the house always stays reasonably clean, not because I am clean per se, but because I don't really have a way to make a mess considering I'm living alone as an orphan.
Oh right, in this universe I am apparently an orphan, throw the confetti guys.
Honestly? I don't mind it much, it would be very uncomfortable to have a pair of strangers treating me like a son, god knows that I would never even consider replacing my good old parents.
My parents are the only real thing I'm concerned about from my home, well, them and my brother, it really fucking bothers me thinking about how my family may have taken my ascension into weeaboo heaven, all rapture like.
But aside from that, I don't care much for the people I left behind.
I could say that I had a group of friends but we were never that close, especially after I actively pushed them off.
So yeah, that would put you up in speed.
Oh, looks like I arrived.
I retrieve the house key from your pocket...
Uh, key, pocket...
Shit. Looks like I, in all of my autistic glory forgot the damned key.
Guess this is a good time as any to introduce the Teeny Tiny Detail That Makes My Life Not Ordinary™ Número Dos: The Sacred Gear.
For anyone without a degree in shitty harem anime culture, this is basically a special ability one haves.
Of course not everyone has it, it would be complete chaos if it was like that, but luck was on my side this time.
Or not, this could very easily be a convoluted plot with a hero's journey that will end up with me being an omnipotent god at the age of 17 with a harem of infinite dubiously legal schoolgirls.
Pfffft, as if.
You just know that if things went your way in this shitty plane of existence you would have peacefully continued your life with the added support of a cheat, because it really isn't that suited for combat.
I put my hand on the doorknob and try to push the door, yup, pretty sturdy alright.
I activate my sacred gear and wait a few seconds, hand still on the doorknob.
Aight, I think that's it.
I try pushing the door again, this time successfully with little to no resistance, I hear something breaking while doing it.
Great, I have successfully broken the lock, hooray.
It's not even the first time that's happened too, if I'm remembering correctly this is instance number 12 of breaking the lock of my own house.
That happens in the first place thanks to my oh so trusty and wonderful Sacred Gear.
It's real name is Status Degenerator, but that's a fucking mouthful, so it was decided to rename it to a band's name a la JoJo, copyright laws be damned.
It's new and very much better name is Megadeth, which makes it sound much more menacing than it really is, but I tell myself that it is a strategic advantage on my part.
It has the power to lower the quality of anything it touches, which sounds pretty vague, so let's put some examples here.
Let's pretend that we have a rock, a big fucking rock, taller than you and thicker than you and certainly more resilient than you. Thanks to the power of Megadeth, I lower the quality of the rock; it's attributes. This makes the rock "weaker" in a sense, it makes the rock lighter and fragile, making it so I can punch the rock and make it have the resistance of a flimsy piece of paper instead of a big fucking rock, all without changing it's appearance, making it look to any bystander like a big fucking rock.
Megadeth has also another function, that works better in other circumstances. That function makes it so that instead of lowering the quality of the internal values, it lowers the external ones. Let's say I have a photo in my hand, I could make the material of the photo even weaker, but I could also make the photo itself a lower quality, making what could be a clear photo of a person into a shitty crusty jpeg.
Yes, Megadeth's power can basically be summarized as a shitty jpeg creator. That almost makes the fucking trip to titty land worth it.
And while this power sounds very fucking powerful in paper, in practice not so much.
Let's be clear, I love the fucking thing, but if for some stupid reason I get into a fight with a scantily clad fallen angel, I would probably lose.
While it lowers the quality of anything it touches at a great speed, and can also be used at some range with a lower speed, Megadeth doesn't turn my squishy weak fragile human body into a sturdy one.
And while it may be able to lower the quality of, let's say, a spear thrown at me, the speed of the spear may be either too fast for Megadeth to take or have so many spears thrown at the same time that it makes it just impossible to survive.
While I like to think that I can hold my own in a case of sudden assassination attempt in the form of dangerous schoolgirls, I don't really have that much faith in my odds of survival.
Besides, knowing how fucking broken the main cast of this fucking anime gets later on makes it a moot point to even try to get strong.
Seriously, one could say that the fucking protagonists Sacred Gear is as close to a spit on my face as it gets, because it just keeps fucking boosting it's power, making it fucking impossible to make any kind of power degeneration to him.
In fact, isn't the fucking edgelords Sacred Gear, the one with the white hair and shit, basically mine but better?
Yeah! What bullshit! It literally makes it happen in a second and it cuts power in half AND fucking absorbs it, what a fucking joke.
Anyways, where was I?
Ah yes, house, shitshow, peaceful life over.
Fucking hell, this is going to be such bullshit, I can't wait.
When I woke up here I had apparently been enrolled into Fanservice Academy, where the female students wear corsets, cults are formed around two fucking teenagers, everyone has technicolor hair and sexual harassment is just par for the course.
I don't know who the fuck did it, but I blame God on this one.
So of course I had to go there because you don't want the nice men with guns to knock on my door for skipping school, and also I needed to waste time somehow, because the house had nothing for entertainment except for a shitty laptop that can barely run Skyrim. Seriously, I had to squeeze the fucker and make him look like a fucking PS1 game, it was glorious.
And of course when I go there I do it fucking praying to the dumbass God that put me here that please all of the technicolor hair and floating tits were just a sick dramatization from some sick author, I begged for him to grant me this small mercy.
He did not.
I have been 6 months here and it's all just so fucking weird, maybe the fact that I speak a fluent Japanese when all my documents say that I'm a Latin Foreigner may be part of the reason.
Honestly it wasn't all that different from home, classes were about the same thing as usual, perhaps harder, and people still did not talk to me, which was fine, I like being alone, it's easier.
What WAS different though was the assortment of the aforementioned technicolor hair, impossibly big female assets and the god damned fucking corsets everyone is wearing.
How a million fucking lawsuits haven't razed this shithole to the ground is beyond me.
And of course every single fucking time someone is talking about the "Two Ladies of Kuoh", and the fact that a fucking cult has formed in every classroom kind of scares me, that without mentioning the fact that they were devils in the first place, with one of them being the fucking sister of fucking Satan himself.
What's also terrifying is the fact that people like the...the...fuck you really don't even want to mention them and their stupid fucking name, but sadly, the fucking MC of DxD is in that group and they are an special kind of fucking annoying, the fucking annoying that makes me want to go full postal and unleash thy rage on everyone on my way.
Those fucking assholes of course are the "Perverted Trio" and they are just...fucking awful, seriously, the levels of shittiness that emanates from them is fucking disgusting, they even watch porn together and talk about it in the middle of a fucking lesson for fuck's sake. The worst part is that Mister Protagonist is arguably the ring leader of those assholes, which makes me wonder what kind of fucked up karmic system are we all in that makes people like him get godlike powers and a fucking harem full of jailbaits.
Not that I want that shit in the first place, I'm pretty happy with Megadeth, don't worry officer I don't have any kind of underage schoolgirl under my desk, I think I saw a guy over there with like 20 of them, you should go check over there.
And all of this brings us to the crux of the matter, the reason why this tale began in the first place, the reason why I started in media res instead of starting like normal, sane person, who doesn't have to deal with this shit.
I, in all of my infinite wisdom, decided that it would be a good idea to use Megadeth inside the fucking school grounds, you know, the place with all the magical wards put on to protect the fucking demon princesses that also happen to be the Satans' sisters. Can I ask for a round of applause for the stupid asshole?
It was for a good cause, I swear! I just really wanted to save a kitten from a tree.
...No, seriously, that was the reason, I saw a kitten up there crying like all hell was loose and there was no one around so I just used it.
Yeah, that's what kindness gets you, you try to save a poor little innocent animal and you somehow summon a teenage devil that really wants to fuck the savior of the kitten over by inserting him into the plot.
At least the fucking cat isn't on the tree anymore, jolly ho.
And everything else after that was already narrated by the narrator, who still doesn't fucking know why he's self-narrating in the first place.
So now I'm left with a big fucking question with capital everything.
What now?
Not going to school is just going to make Redhead fucking suspicious.
Going to school will get me on Redhead's Military Service Recruitment range and I just really don't want to deal with that.
But it really seems that I will have to deal with Redhead's bullshit if I don't want to find myself in hell's jail, where all the people who proclaim that morality doesn't exist on reddit and the fans of DxD find themselves in.
Terrifying.
I'm are mentally exhausted right now. I do my best to put the door with broken lock on it's place and then head to my bed to have sweet sweet dreams.
I throw myself at the bed and close my eyes.
...
This fucking sucks.
...
My name is Francisco Guerrero by the way.
AN: This chapter was rewritten to change the 2nd Person perspective this story had in the first 7 chapters. I'll try to rewrite those chapters in the same day, but if for some reason I can't and you're a new reader and the only thing you don't like is the POV then please stick around until chapter 8, where it's 1st Person from there on.
Hopefully you'll enjoy this story and Francis as a main character, he's a uh, kind of semi-SI. The only thing I, the author have in common with the character would be shit like musical taste, country of origin and crappy sense of humor, there may be more similarities, but please think of him as a character and not a complete self insert, because if it was that way it would be impossible for me to write this without cringing to death.
Thanks for reading and I hope you stick around with my trash story.
