3rd Hokage says: Fuck your couch! One shot(s)

Alright don't mind me this is just a bit of a venting fic because a lot of times Konoha and the perception of the Hokage in the fandom pisses me off. This is essentially my take on a "no fucks given" Sarutobi Hiruzen when he was forced out of retirement to deal with the shit storm that was now and later became (in canon) his village. Warning: Lot's of deviating from the story to come.

The title is a joke/reference to Dave Chapelle.

This will be more like snippets unrelated to each other about different situations that (probably) happened in the show...shut up! I haven't watched the anime in years, ok? If you wanna view each part as a continuous flow of things then go ahead.

Decided to break them up into chapters instead of doing page breaks but as far as I'm concerned...this is "complete" unless I get a new idea of Sarutobi just doing as he pleases to add in.

(A meeting about the death of the 4th Hokage and what should be done with his property and assets, Naruto included After Minato's wish for Naruto is known)

"Excuse you? Who the hell do you think you're talking to? Who the fuck do you think I am?" Sarutobi barked out firmly as he gazed at the council who became nervously quiet. "S-sorry Hokage-sama", a few muttered demurely, the others who lacked enough sense attempted to bluster through the rebuke. "Lord Hokage the 4th is unfortunately dead but surely you can see that we as the Council are correct in that his assets should be used for the good of this village instead of frozen for the future use of the demon! I still fail to understand why the demon hasn't been killed once it was finally subdued and I know there are others in agreement with me on this!" One particularly cocky civilian council member insisted amongst muttered agreements, just on this side of disrespectful….perhaps more.

Sarutobi gave a sharp look to the fool and as soon as said fool finished speaking sent a burst of killing intent to shut him up which had the side effect of also making him sit down trembling and the other fools to lose their confidence in getting their way in this. Pinning each person in the room with a gaze of hot disgust Sarutobi replied, "I see. So what you're informing me is that due to your own greed and ignorance...you'd commit treason against your Hokage", more than half the council gasps in surprised denial but he continues on in the same calm tone, "Both Minato has ordered that the child, his son, keeping the nine tailed fox away from killing us all be treated as the hero he is AND I have ordered that any willful attempts on that child's life is automatic grounds for execution due to treason for that same reason as well as the fact that once Naruto dies the Kyuubi is released. And yet you all sit before me, demanding of your Hokage, that I give you the head of an infant who is this village's savior on a pike. Either this room is filled with impostors, you are all guilty of attempted treason, or the tragic incident that has just passed has rendered you all into ignorant distasteful simpletons".

Every person in the room remained still as those words sank in. A few felt an impending sense of dread. Their leader had not only voiced a feeling of suspicion towards them but a suspicion great enough to warrant their deaths if they did not switch tracks and do so quickly with the utmost respect. And if that wasn't enough he thought them pathetic idiots too!