just keep breathin' (things just take way too much of my energy)

By: AndiKaneUnderwood

AU: Alpha/Beta/Omega, Canon Divergence

Sam hadn't been so isolated from his brother since a few years ago when he'd gotten so pissed at him he'd demanded they not see each other and told him that all family meant was that they were related. They'd had a full fight about and not seen each other for months until they ran into each other on a case, worked it together then went their separate ways. Sam thought maybe it was after Gadreel, but honestly who was keeping track? So much had happened since their fight and temporary sort-of-disownment that Sam couldn't remember what he'd been mad about in the first place. Here's the thing about that; back then, Sam hadn't had a kid to take care of or a line drawn in the sand that meant said kid was off-limits.

He had never thought this would happen. He'd never thought he would ever have a kid, much less that Dean would manipulate him like that. Sam was angry at him, yes, but he also understood. Jack hadn't meant to kill Mom, but he did kill her and Dean would probably never forgive Jack for killing one of the most important people in his life. Sam, who'd had a similar experience with the amount of power Jack currently had, understood that sometimes you didn't mean to hurt people but you ended up doing so anyway. Sam understood what it was like to have so much power, you were corrupted by it and didn't understand right from wrong. Sam had once been able to predict the future through prophetic dreams and exorcise demons with a thought. When he was binging on demon blood, he'd been corrupted by the power inside of him, willing to do anything to get more. Sometimes, the cravings came and buzzed under his skin, letting him know that he'd never truly be rid of the urge to cut open the nearest demon and drink until he could split the demon's nonexistent skull open within a heartbeat. Sam was just thankful that Jack didn't have those urges, that he was just soulless and that could be easily fixed.

Sam's thoughts once again turned to his Angelic lover. He wished he could pray to Gabriel and have the Alpha there in moments, but the angel was currently sleeping in the Empty, waiting for Sam so they could stay in Sam's Heaven together. Sam wanted to introduce Gabriel to Jack properly, not just a crash-course of everything Jack could do while preparing to fight in a war they weren't sure they could win. Sam wished he could have saved Gabriel, but it wasn't his destiny. His thoughts were interrupted by Jack knocking lightly on the wall to catch Sam's attention.

They were a month from the day that Sam decided to save his son rather than follow his brother blindly. Jody had graciously let them live in the cabin behind her home as long as they needed it. As Sam had said he would, he contacted Dean a few days after they arrived at Jody's. He's used a burner phone and gone far away from Jody's house so that even if Dean did figure out what cell towers the call had pinged off of, Sam wouldn't be found there. Sam had told Dean what he'd done and why, but Dean maintained the idea that Jack had brainwashed Sam and Cas.

"Don't worry Sam, I'll find you." Dean had vowed firmly, then hung up the phone.

Sam had sighed, knowing full well that Dean wouldn't be able to find them, even with all the hunters still out there that they were on good terms with. Sam knew how to disappear if he needed to, he'd done the same thing when he went to college. No card transactions, don't draw attention to yourself, speak only when you need to and never reveal anything personal. Don't make any kind of lasting impression so people don't remember you and never use your real name if you can help it. He employed the same tactics on hunts so people didn't remember him after they'd left. Sam had put out a message to all the hunter he could and let them know that he was in hiding with Cas and Jack and Dean could, under no circumstances, know where he was. To the hunters, Sam was their leader and anything he wanted he got, so if they saw him they said nothing. The same rule went for Cas and Jack; if any of them saw Cas out in the store one day or fueling up at a gas station as they passed by; if they saw Jack in the woods or at a dinner waiting for someone, they said nothing to Dean and they didn't approach any of them.

Sam smiled at his son as he gestured the younger Omega over. "Hey, honey. What's going on?"

Jack sniffled, nose red. "I think I'm catching a cold. Which is strange considering my grace having returned."

Sam laughed softly as Jack curled up against the older's side and laid his blonde head on Sam's chest, "It's alright. Some viruses affect angels, Cas can tell you about them when he gets back from the supply run. For now, I know enough to help you feel a bit better. Tell me what's wrong."

Sam listened to Jack tell him about his chest feeling tight and his head feeling like it was full of cotton, which sounded something like a human cold, but for an angel, it was a bug that caused those symptoms by attacking angelic grace. Sam rubbed Jack's back with a gentle hand, "Don't worry, this one is minor. You'll be back to normal in a few days. I'll make you something to eat, you wanna let me up?"

Jack shook his head.

Sam laughed softly, "Cuddles instead?"

Jack nodded, "Sleep first, food later," then promptly cuddled closer and fell asleep.

Sam smiled, thankful Jack had enough of his soul to let Sam help him feel better when he was sick. He carefully moved himself and Jack so that they lay more comfortably on the bed and closed his eyes. Might as well get some sleep while he could.

Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural

Sam jerked away nearly an hour later, body jittery with anxiety and tears streaming down his face. Jack was immediately right there, speaking soothing words and "It's okay, I'm here." Slowly, Sam calmed down enough to look around and understand that he wasn't in the cage with the Fallen Angel, but his room in Jody's cabin. He sighed, breath still coming in sharp pants as his heart stopped racing.

"Sam?" Jack asked, head tilted in worry.

"I'm alright, Jack." Sam murmured back.

Jack's face looked just as blank as it normally did, but the faint pinch of worry around the eyes gave Sam hope for the restoration of his soul. If they could just get in touch with Chuck. Sam sighed, allowing Jack to cuddle closer and wrapping his free arm around him. He hugged the smaller male close, then let him go. "Ready for that soup now?"

Jank nodded, his stomach letting them known it was more than ready for nutrition with a loud growl. Sam laughed, then stood. "Come on, I'll make it for you."

The blonde Nephilim offered a subdued version of his megawatt smile, letting Sam lead him away. If he subtly checked Sam over as they headed for Jody's kitchen, then nobody needed to know.

Supernatural~Supernatural~Supernatural

They finally decided that it would be a good idea to go back out on hunts, but Sam wanted to slowly ease into it rather than just jump right in. They were on a vampire hunt when Sam was stuck with a flashback.

Dean had been turned and they had to get him back. The fight they'd had in the ensuing days had been brutal, Dean pissed about Sam's hovering and Sam's worry had translated into aggressive caretaking. Dean had gotten so angry, he turned and grabbed a beer bottle, tossing it not at Sam, but across the hotel room to let it crash and splinter apart against the wall. Sam had flinched, a yelp slipping past his lips. Dean had been immediately regretful, apologies pouring from his lips as he comforted his trembling brother. Once Sam was calm, Dean cleaned up the glass and promised never to throw anything like that again. Sam had nodded and agreed. To this day, Dean had kept that promise, but any kind of shattering glass could make Sam flinch. It was the shot glass slipping off the table, the way it hit the ground sounding exactly like that night. Sam had heard it and was thrown back into that night, but with a violent twist. Cas had noticed immediately and began coaching Sam through the breathing exercises he'd been taught. Jack had made sure to stay close to his father figure the rest of the night, even after they managed to find and kill the nest.

The nightmares hit him hard that night, making it hard for him to sleep and when he did he woke up screaming. He was sure the people next door hated him, but he couldn't help it. Every time glass shattered, every flash of dark red and thick black smoke, every glimpse of a fast-moving unknown object, every glint of metal, it didn't always trigger him, but sometimes it did. He still had trouble with blonde men with dark grey eyes and he hated it.

"Sam, you have to calm down, you're hyperventilating," Cas directed softly.

Sam tried to get his breathing under control, using the grip Jack had in his hand and Cas's exaggerated example to guide him. Once he was calm, he swallowed down the panic and exhaled, "I'm not in the cage."

"No, you aren't," Cas murmured.

"Lucifer used to take my memories and twist them to make Dean the bad guy, tried to convince me that I was better off in the cage with him and Michael. I never let him, I clung to my memories as hard as I could." Sam flinched when Jack moved too fast, reaching for the water glass on the table.

Castiel hissed in Enochian, eyes flickering angrily, and Sam had no doubts that he was cussing at his brother with every word and phrase he knew. When Cas had calmed down, Jack glanced at him, handing Sam the water glass, "Sam, you know he can't hurt you anymore, right?"

Sam nodded, "He's dead."

"Yes, he's dead. He can't hurt you anymore, Sam." Cas added in, "We killed him."

Sam nodded again and sipped at the water, letting the cold soothe the phantom heat he could feel licking at his limbs. He vaguely remembered Gabriel saying something like that once when Sam had needed his help with a case while Dean was in Purgatory(1).

"Sam, hey. Sam, he can't hurt you. Sweetheart, he's dead. He can't hurt you anymore." Gabriel had murmured, holding Sam's hands in his as he watched his lover closely. Sam's breaths came in short gasps that got steadily longer the more he calmed down. Gabriel gave him encouraging smiles, whispering sweet words in Sam's ears. "That's it, good. You're doing so good Sam, such a good job."

Jack curled up against Sam's side, breaking Sam from his memory. "I'm going to sleep with you tonight. Is that okay?" Jack asked.

Sam nodded, "Yeah." He sighed, hoping he could get some decent sleep before their drive back to Jody's the next morning. "That's fine."

Castiel sat back down on the other bed and Jack laid his head on Sam's shoulder. Sam closed his eyes. Just before he drifted off, Sam heard Jack murmured, "Just keep breathing, Sam. It's going to be okay."

Sam's smile flickered across his face, he chose to believe that Jack was right.

(1) Because of my Soulmates and A/B/O AU, Sam knew very damn well that Gabriel wasn't dead. This led to Sam calling for the angel when he was hurt or lonely. While Dean was in Purgatory, Sam called for Gabriel to help him out on cases sometimes.