1May 27, 11:15PM
You sat in the living room, staring blankly at the TV screen. Your reflection stared glossily back at you, expression set in an apathetic frown. The ticking of the electric blue clock directly above the 40-inch flat screen drowned out any other noise in the small rental apartment.
It was a quarter past eleven, and your maroon-haired boyfriend still wasn't back yet.
You reached for your phone lying beside you on the couch. Pressing the home button, your heart continued to sink in disappointment when you found yourself staring at your lock screen photo, unhindered by notifications.
You had called him at least 13 times since dinner. In the last hour, your calls went straight to voicemail, indicating his phone had either been turned off, or had run out of battery.
You hoped it was the latter… but these days, you couldn't be sure.
You sighed for the umpteenth time.
You wanted to be angry at him. But instead, all you could feel was an overwhelming sadness. Your pathetic state fueled your frustrations. There was no outlet, no target, nowhere for which your emotions could go.
You had tried to watch TV, you had tried to read a book, you had tried to listen to music, you had tried to go to bed. But your thoughts were too loud, and your emotions too muddled, and try as you might, you couldn't get anything done.
So, you were stuck here idling. Idling with your thoughts that hurt too much, that refused to shut up, that were adamantly wandering into territory that you didn't want them wandering into. Because you didn't know how to deal with it.
Usually, Rin would be the one to pull you out of this state. He was the one who knew how to handle your demons when you couldn't. But this time, Rin was the reason why your monsters were set loose. You couldn't real them in, so you let them go. Let them run, let them rampage, until you were empty inside.
May 27, 6:30PM
You stared down the slab of meat on your plate. The gravy drowned most of it in a thick dark brown, and was now ebbing toward the white mountain of mash. You poked unenthusiastically at the green peas dotting your plate, trying to save them from the ever-expanding gravy wave. Your actions confused you. You loved gravy.
"Honey, are you okay? You haven't touched your food at all."
You grimaced. Hearing her squeaky voice, you lost whatever remaining appetite you had and placed down your fork.
"I'm okay, mom. Just not really hungry."
"You shouldn't aspire to be like one of those anorexic girls on the front cover of Teen Vogue. If this is what photography is doing to you, I think you should stop."
It was a good thing you weren't holding your fork anymore because you had a good feeling you would've stabbed something with it, hard. And that was surely not appropriate etiquette for a restaurant of this caliber.
"First of all, mom, I don't read Teen Vogue, I never did. Secondly, I do street photography, not fashion. There's a difference. And third, I'm not eating because I'm really, just not hungry. I had a late lunch."
You knew the third was a lie, but she didn't have to know that. After all, you couldn't exactly tell her that just hearing her voice made your stomach turn.
Your mom took a bite of her salad and waved her fork in your general direction.
"Well, either way, don't you think it's high time for you to find a real job?"
You took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Here we go again.
"I'm a freelance photographer, mom. I get paid for my work. It is a real job."
"I mean a sit-down job, an office job, with a stable income and benefits." Oh hell, again with the benefits!
"Look, mom. I know that when I graduated from university, working as a photographer was not what you had envisioned for me, but I'm so happy with this job right now. I really am."
Your mom sighed as if she were explaining something to a small child for the umpteenth time.
"Honey, life is not always about whether you're happy or not. I know you love photography, but passion and work are two separate things. You need to find something that's going to help pay for the bills as you get older. And a job with benefits will be much more secure than what you're doing now."
You could feel your blood pressure rising. Picking back up the fork, you skewered a couple of peas.
"It's not like I don't have any plans, mom. This freelance thing is just temporary. You know that I've always wanted to work as a photojournalist for TIME magazine, ever since I was little. But in order for that to happen, I need to build up my credentials. Freelance is the only way for me to do that right now while also earning me some income."
Your mom pursed her lips. She took a slow sip of wine before continuing.
"(Y/N), it's not that I'm not supporting your dreams. I'm just trying to be realistic. There are so many talented artists out there who never get that break. I just don't want that to be you."
You didn't like how she used the word talented. It felt fake. Especially since she couldn't even tell the difference between your work and those from the front cover of a fashion magazine.
"I don't either mom, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there." You shoved the peas in your mouth, chewing angrily.
"But what if it's too late by then? And you're broke on the streets like your good for nothing father."
You placed the fork down with a bang.
"Mom! I'm not him, okay. I may have gotten my love of art from him, but I'll never abandon my family like he did. I have my values, and I'm going to stick to them and see where they take me. And if I end up broke on the streets, then like I said, I'll cross that bridge when I get there."
You restlessly glanced down at your silver analog watch. It was ten to seven. Where the hell was this man?
Never missing a beat, your mom caught on to your fidgeting.
"Didn't you say Rin was going to join us for dinner? Where is he?"
"Probably still at practice. I'll text him again."
You sent off another SOS even though you knew he wouldn't see it. He always kept his phone in his locker when he was at the pool… assuming he wasat the pool…
You immediately squelched any other thoughts wandering in that direction. You couldn't handle that thought right now. You had enough to deal with as it were.
"Look at him, practicing so hard he doesn't even have time for his girlfriend," your mom forged on undeterred. "Are you sure Rin is the right guy to be with? Olympic swimming is a short-lived career. Does he have a back-up plan ready for when his body fails him?"
"Mom, Rin doesn't really have the time to think about anything else right now. Getting that qualifying time for the Olympics is stressful enough as is."
"Aren't you worried about his rising popularity? He might meet other girls if he goes global."
You closed your eyes, just about ready to throw in the towel.
"He doesn't have the time." You meant for it to come out stronger than it did. You didn't know who you were reassuring more, your mom or yourself.
God, you really wished he were here right now. He would have never let this happen. He would have exchanged knowing glances with you and found some way to change the direction the conversation was taking. He would have sung praises around your work until you blushed and told him to shut up. He would have made plans for something afterwards and he would have made sure that you were beaming by the time the night was over. But Rin wasn't here right now. And you couldn't be certain if he were even at the pool. You hoped he was. God, you really hoped he was.
Your mom was a shrewd one. You swore she could work part-time as a private detective.
"Is everything okay between you and Rin?" She asked skeptically as she swirled her wine glass.
"Yes, mom. Everything is fine."
You tried to sound as convincing as possible. You tried to sound as if you weren't completely falling apart inside. You tried to forget the name that flashed across Rin's phone three nights ago—a name that was both unfamiliar and unmistakably a girl's. You tried, but that wasn't enough. For your mom, it never was. So, you did the thing you were best at. You ran. Excusing yourself to the bathroom.
May 24, 9:20PM
"Rin! Don't use all the hot water! I thought you showered at the pool."
"I didn't have time. The pool was closing. You know, you can always come join me."
You let out an amused laugh, and rolled your eyes.
"Then we'd never get out of the shower," you called back through the door.
"Fine by me," his voice rang out.
"Not until you see that water bill."
A pause.
"You know, logically, showering together would save water."
"Yeah, but that's assuming we're not doing other things in the shower."
Another pause.
"See, that argument went better in my head."
You smiled because you knew you had won this round.
"Okay, genius. Whatever makes you feel better."
You settled back into the pillows, and flipped open the paperback you had been reading. It was a historical fiction about a French girl and a German boy set during World War II. Just as their paths were about to collide, Rin's voice cried out from the bathroom.
"(Y/N), I forgot my towel. It's in my duffle bag. Can you grab it?"
Stifling a groan, you got out of bed and stalked towards his red duffle in the corner of the room. As you reached for his white towel, his phone, which sat directly on top of said towel, dinged, alerting you to a text message. The screen lit up and you frowned at the unfamiliar name displayed across the photo of you two in front of Luna Park's Ferris wheel.
Leah Anglo.
You didn't mean to snoop. But the name intrigued you, and the accompanying message even more so.
I know you're in the shower
You didn't know how you felt about other girls picturing your man in the shower. Maybe she was the coach's assistant, and they were at practice together. That could be why she knew Rin didn't have the time to shower, and as such would be showering now.
You were about to drop the subject when the phone dinged again. This next message doused you in ice water, leaving you drenched and shivering.
I'm waiting for nudes
Thank God you weren't holding his phone because you knew you would have dropped it like a hot potato.
Okay, so maybe she was coming on to him. Or maybe they were already seeing each other? Was this the start of sexting? Maybe you should shut this down now. Should you go ask Rin about it? What if he lies? Lie? You couldn't believe you were doubting him now.
You took in a shuddering breath and tried to calm your rising anxiety.
Logically, you knew he wasn't cheating. Because between swimming and training, he honestly just didn't have the time. But logic was a foreign concept to emotion. And emotion liked to go on the tilt a whirl a lot of the time—a ride which, you just noted, you never particularly liked. And that ride made logical thinking hard. Hard and seemingly irrelevant.
"(Y/N)? Did you find it?" As always, Rin's voice broke through the cacophony of your thoughts, ringing as clear and melodic as a glass furin. It sent a jolt of pain through your heart—something that never used to happen before.
You swallowed and choked on air, realizing your mouth was suddenly too dry.
"Yeah," you croaked then clearing your throat you called out louder, "it was caught on the zipper."
Your heart hammered against your ribs as you stalked towards the bathroom, mind furiously debating between playing the sane girlfriend through quiet observation or launching into a shit storm through unhindered accusations.
You wanted to trust him. More than anything you wanted to believe Rin would never cheat on you, that if he were unsatisfied, he would talk to you first and try to fix the relationship before he did anything that he couldn't take back with anyone else. That he wouldn't give in to temptation even if he were presented the opportunity to. That he loved you enough to give you the respect and dignity you deserved. That he wouldn't ever betray you like that.
But you were an artist by nature, and you were ruled by imagination. And it was so, so, so easy to picture Leah Anglo: a tall slender figure complete with legs that stretched for miles; her long, flowing, blonde hair, almost like spun gold silk; her mesmerizing cerulean eyes sparkling in the sun like honey rays reflecting off the deep blue sea. A painting of perfection.
Clutching the towel like your life line, you pushed open the bathroom door. The hot steam and stifled air that you normally relished in was now suddenly suffocating, and it made you feel even more uncomfortable, worsening your anxieties.
Rin stood under the rain shower. The glass had fogged up with the heat, but not enough to obscure your view of his muscled back and toned biceps. His fingers threaded seamlessly through his maroon locks as he washed away any traces of the day's events.
As he washed away any traces of Leah Anglo.
You violently shook your head as the thought crossed your mind.
Rin wouldn't do that to you. You knew that he wouldn't. Right?
You didn't realize you were staring until you caught Rin's gaze. His face broke into a devilish smile.
"Like what you see?"
His voice was coarse ground gravel.
"Huh?"
Catching sight of your expression, Rin frowned. With the help of his forearm he wiped away the steam on the glass so that he could get a better look at you.
"(Y/N)? Is everything okay?"
Although muffled by the glass, the genuine worry bleeding from his voice, coupled with the earnest concern shining through his ruby eyes made tears well up in your eyes.
He wouldn't do that to you. You knew he wouldn't. There was no way.
Placing his towel on the counter, you unfastened your day dress, letting it pool in a flowery puddle by your feet. Your ruby red bra came off next, followed by your satin panties.
Rin stared at you, caught in a trance of wonder and slight disbelief.
You slowly pushed open the shower door and stepped under the steady stream of hot water, pressing yourself right up against Rin's chiseled chest. You desperately needed to feel his touch. You desperately needed to be reminded that he was yours.
Rin stared heatedly at you, but he hadn't moved a muscle.
You wrapped your arms around his neck and stood on your tippy toes, leaning your full weight against his frame.
You nipped at his ear, pulling slightly at the soft lobes.
"Rin," you breathed, "touch me."
Like the words to a spell, the enchantment broke and Rin brought his hands down around you, caging you to his body.
This was what you wanted. No, this was what you needed. This was what you didn't know was missing until now.
Rin's touch scorched every inch of your body burning away all thoughts of Leah Anglo. For now, he was yours. Only yours. And that was more than enough. At least for now.
For now, you would relish in him. For now, you would let him erase your doubts. For now, you would pretend everything was fine. Because in this moment, it was.
At least for now.
May 27, 7:00PM
You clutched the edge of the pink marble counter, knuckles turning white from the exertion. You tried your best not to throw up what little you had of your meatloaf dinner into the white porcelain sink.
Everything was not fine.
You had known dinner with your mom wouldn't be easy. You had known she wouldn't keep quiet about her qualms with your job and your boyfriend. You had known she would pick a fancy restaurant, not just because she liked to flaunt her status, but also because she knew you wouldn't be able to raise your voice at her here.
But what you hadn't known was that Rin wouldn't be here with you for the battle. And what you hadn't known was that your thoughts of Leah Anglo would be your plus one instead.
Just thinking about her stirred your imagination, and you found yourself feeling nauseous all over again.
Pulling out your phone, you sighed in disappointment. Your boyfriend was still MIA. You double checked the service bars in the top-left corner of the screen and dared it to show something other than full strength. No matter how you glared at it, the bars did not recede.
"Something wrong with your phone?" A voice piped up from beside you.
You turned to see a lady sporting a jet-black pixie cut expertly touching up on her camellia-red lips. Her visage was glamorously painted but not gaudy. She moved the tube of lipstick across her mouth swiftly and efficiently. Her actions were of one who was not a stranger to their body.
You discreetly surveyed her figure in the mirror, checking for external devices to make sure she was talking to you and not someone on the other side of a hidden technological appliance. Her cool grey orbs suddenly met your own.
"I have a charger in my purse if you need it," she continued, unperturbed by catching your wandering gaze.
The intense surety of her stare had you ducking your head in embarrassment.
"Oh… uh, no… sorry. I don't need a charger. My phone is fine, thanks," you sputtered.
You immediately felt stupid for harboring such noticeable anger towards something so inanimate. There was nothing wrong with your phone. Nothing at all.
"Well, that's good. Just thought I'd ask," the lady responded, snapping the cap back on her make-up tube.
She blotted her lips then turned to you, flashing a beauty-queen award winning smile.
"Nothing worse than being stranded without a working phone. Trust me, I've been there."
Zipping up her designer purse, she checked her image in the mirror one last time before waving a slender model-worthy hand in your direction.
"Have a good dinner," she said as she opened the door to exit.
"Y-you too," you replied just as the door shut closed.
For some reason, you felt even worse than before you had entered the bathroom.
You had always been intimidated by people like her. People who oozed confidence with every breath, with every motion. People who weren't scared to speak, to make their presence known. People who boldly applied make-up in a public restroom, daring anyone to judge their vanity, to challenge their appeal. People who looked twice at their reflection. People who never second-guessed themselves.
You had always been intimidated by these kinds of people. Because you felt you could never compete with them. Because you felt you could never reach that standard no matter how hard you tried. So, you just didn't. You didn't try. You didn't try to be perfect. You didn't try to be prettier. You didn't try to stand out. You didn't try to be the best. And with Rin, you had always thought you didn't need to try. With Rin, you had thought he accepted you for who you were. With Rin, you had thought just being you would be enough.
Were you wrong to think that?
You glanced down at the phone in your hand. The unwavering service bars continued to mock you.
Pulling up your contact list, you hit the first person listed under favorites. The phone rang three times before you reached Rin's voice mail yet again.
Your heart twisted uncomfortably. Sighing, you stuffed your phone back in your cross-body purse.
You made sure to avoid looking at your reflection before you exited the bathroom.
May 25, 1:00 PM
You glared at the black liquid make-up pen in your hand. You had bought it earlier today at the neighboring drug store—along with the new dark purple eye shadow you were currently wearing. You had initially gone to pick up some more clothespin for the darkroom (which was really just the bathroom with the lights off), but the newly remodeled make-up aisle piqued your interest. You swore it was the lighting that drew you in. Like time square, but in an aisle.
You convinced yourself that you were being spontaneous, and that your purchase had nothing to do with your imagined image of Leah Anglo, an image that was becoming less blurred and more developed with each passing hour.
Unfortunately, your spontaneous investment looked less spontaneous on your face and more like a 3-year old's scribbles. The measly lines had grown thicker with each correction, and you were becoming ever more frustrated with how the two lines never mirrored one another.
Realizing each attempt was causing more damage than good, you ceased your futile actions and placed the pen down. You turned off your phone screen which had been re-playing the same "How To" video titled "Perfect Winged Eyeliner Easiest Technique" for the past 15 minutes.
You stared at yourself in the mirror, feeling dejected and stupid.
"What the hell am I doing?" you mumbled.
"(Y/N)?" A sudden knock on the bathroom door interrupted your self-pity party.
"Wait, Rin, don't come –"
The door swung open before you could finish your sentence, and Rin stared in surprise at the unexpected sight before him.
"—in here," you finished lamely.
Rin tried to mask his growing amusement with a stifled cough, but, unlike you, he was not an artist by nature. As a matter of fact, he was actually one of the worstcharade-players you had ever met. So, after an unsuccessful attempt, he threw caution to the wind and all but burst out laughing.
His uninhibited elation at your misery, only made you glower more.
"Okay, I get it. I know."
"You… you look…" Rin began but guffawed, wheezed, and pealed some more with laughter.
"Yes, I know. I look like a peacock. Haha. Very funny. Are you done yet?" You were entirely unamused.
Rin's squeals of delight dwindled as he wiped the tears that had collected in the corner of his eyes.
"Almost," he chortled.
"Rin!" you whined.
"Okay. Sorry… sorry," Rin relented, "but, (Y/N), why the sudden interest in make-up? You hate this stuff."
"I…" you began as you started playing at your bangs, twisting and untwisting the dark locks, "I wanted to try something new."
Rin picked up on your actions immediately and recognized them for what they were. It had always been a nervous habit of yours to fiddle with your hair.
"You know, I fell for you even without all this," he gestured, "on your face."
"I know… I just… I thought you'd appreciate it if I put more effort into my appearance."
Rin frowned.
"Are you saying I don't appreciate you enough?"
"What? No! That's not what I meant. I just… I thought I'd be more appealing."
Rin's expression softened and he came up behind you, wrapping you in a bear hug. You met his wide, earnest, maroon orbs in the mirror.
He dipped down lightning-quick and kissed your neck. Then, tracing your pulse with his nose, he made his way to your chin, then your lips, then cheek, planting wet kisses all along the way. The air around you turned to static electricity. Your skin began to grow hot as he slid his mouth across your cheek to your ear.
"You are appealing," he whispered, breath fanning your helix. A shiver raced down your spine as your heart rate picked up in anticipation.
"Rin…" you breathed.
He nibbled at the soft flesh of your ear lobe and you couldn't help but squirm in pleasure.
He grunted as your ass accidentally grinded into his hardening member.
"See?" he muttered.
Turning in his embrace, you slung your arms around his neck, needing to bring him closer.
"I know I'm not the prettiest girl out there," you mumbled into his chest.
You felt him tense, and you hurriedly pulled his lips down to yours, effectively silencing his protest.
His lips were soft and he tasted faintly like Tiki Tangerine lip balm. You vaguely wondered if he had stolen that tube from your drawer as you had been unable to find it for some time now. The sudden presence of his tongue brushing against your lower lip centered your wandering thoughts. You parted your lips, allowing him full access to your mouth. Rin's grip on your body tightened. You loved the way he kissed you. As if he wanted to devour you. As if he never wanted to let go of your essence.
Before you could lose yourself in the kiss, you pulled back begrudgingly. There was something you needed to tell him.
"I know I'm not the prettiest girl out there," you repeated. "But, fuck Rin. I don't know how you always manage to make me feel like I am."
Rin grinned.
"Oh, I'm just getting started here. By the time I'm done with you, you'll feel like the prettiest girl in the world."
And true to his word, he kissed you, teased you, and made love to you, until you felt like the prettiest dang thing in the entire fucking universe.
May 27, 12:06PM
It was a little past midnight when you finally heard the lock turn in the front door of your shared apartment.
Before Rin had even finished taking off his shoes, you launched at him.
"And where the fuck have you been?"
He paused mid-action and turned in the direction of your voice.
"Jesus (Y/N), why the hell are you sitting in the dark?"
Dropping his duffle bag by the entrance, he reached to turn on the living room lights. You were momentarily blinded.
Rin made his way over to the couch and took a good look at your expression.
He frowned.
"Have you been crying?"
Hot tears brimmed at the corner of your eyes. Damn it, why did seeing him hurt more than not knowing where he was?
"Where were you today?" There was no bite left in your tone. You felt suddenly exhausted.
"Practice ran long. Then coach insisted on dragging me to his favorite bar to let loose and celebrate before the OQTs*. They held my phone hostage the entire night."
You weren't sane. You knew you weren't sane. Every word that came out of his mouth reeked of lies. Alcohol? Before a competition?! Did he think you were stupid? Held his phone hostage? He could have easily borrowed another one to at least let you know where he was.
Unless he didn't want you to know. Location service didn't work if he deliberately turned off his phone. If he were at a hotel. If he were with Leah Anglo. You swore you smelled her perfume on him. The sickly-sweet scent of cotton candy.
You hated this game you played with yourself. Because you never won. Not once.
"(Y/N), this isn't the first time I've been back late without being able to tell you. Why are you so shaken?"
You closed your eyes, trying to gather your thoughts. Trying not to scream and yell and accuse him of the crimes you were sure he committed.
"Because you missed dinner with my mom, today. I thought you wrote it in your calendar. I guess I was wrong." I guess you deleted it. I guess Leah Anglo was more alluring.
Rin's eyes widened at that.
"I thought that was next week. I have it down for next week."
He searched for his phone and cursed when he couldn't find it.
"Damn, Natsuya that bastard still has it." I forgot it at the hotel. I was too busy fucking Leah Anglo.
"But, (Y/N), why didn't you remind me?" Why didn't you tell me sooner? Tell me that you would miss me, that I would get caught.
You balled your hands up at that. You weren't sure if you were angry that he was trying to turn this around on you, or if you were just desperately trying to keep yourself from falling apart.
In all honesty, you could've reminded him before he left for practice this morning. But firstly, your thoughts were elsewhere, and secondly, you didn't want to place any further pressure on him. You both knew that dinner with your mom wasn't exactly something to look forward to at the end of the day.
"I forgot to."
Rin frowned.
"Okay. We both know that's a lie. You'd never forget dinner with your mom. If anything, it'd be the exact opposite."
Of course, Rin was right. You hadn't been able to stop thinking about this dinner ever since she had planned to meet up. Dread was not nearly an adequate enough term to describe how you felt leading up to the event.
And Rin would know.
He knew how you felt about your mom ever since that first Christmas when you had begrudgingly brought him to your childhood home. He had insisted on seeing the woman who brought you up, and your mother had similarly demanded on meeting the guy who captured, as she so called, "your icy heart". Having been constantly bombarded on both ends, you eventually gave in to their incessant appeals. Rin who had refused to heed your warnings saw first-hand the disdain your mother harbored after her fifth glass of eggnog. He had made it up to you with what he knew you were weak for: cuddles, kisses, and sex. It goes without saying that he never asked to meet with your mother again.
Of course, that didn't stop your mom from wanting to meet with you, and you had always begged Rin to come along whenever she did. He was always better at deflecting her jabs in a civil, non-aggressive way. Sort of like spreading cold butter over bread. He was patient in his approach, waiting for the right time, waiting for the butter to melt, for her demeanor to crack. He liked to get to the root of the problem.
On the other hand, you were the impatient type – at least when it came to your mother. You liked to forcibly spread the butter until the bread was a mangled mess and riddled with holes. You focused on the now, on figuring out the fastest way possible to dispel the pressure she loved to dole on you. Often, that involved lots of swearing and yelling until she backed off. You knew it was an unhealthy approach and that it just served to further break down any form of communication. But you couldn't help it. The words that left her mouth always had your blood boiling. You couldn't think rationally like Rin could.
And therein was the problem. Rational thinking wouldn't be so hard if your mind didn't cave so easily. If you had more confidence in yourself both as a woman and as a partner. It goes without saying that your mother's constant disapproval didn't help any with your self-image. However, you also knew that it was unfair of you to blame it on your mom when it was you who doubted Rin in the first place. You knew deep down that your mother just wanted what was best for you. All mothers did. It was just hard to translate that love to something that wasn't so destructive.
So, taking a page out of Rin's book, you decided to be patient. To spread the butter without mangling the bread. To get to the root of the problem. To communicate. To feel vulnerable.
Taking a deep breath, you mentally prepared yourself for what was to come.
"Rin, I need you to answer me honestly." Your voice wavered with emotion, and you swallowed hard. "No lies, just the truth. Can you do that?"
Rin frowned, "(Y/N), baby, what's going on with you?"
"Please, Rin, don't argue. Just answer me truthfully."
Rin regarded you for a minute. He was more than confused by your request, but from your demeanor, he could tell this was important to you. So, he nodded in understanding.
You expelled a shuddering breath before looking him dead in the eye.
"Do you love me?"
Rin stared at you dumbfounded before what you asked sank in.
"Hah?! What the hell kind of a question is that?"
"Just answer the damn question. Do you love me?"
He looked like he wanted to argue some more, but catching sight of your solemn expression he backed down and fixed you with an equally heated intensity.
"Yes."
"Are you cheating on me?"
His eyes widened.
"What? (Y/N), what are you—"
"ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?"
You were aware that your voice had peaked slightly with hysteria. There was a pause. Sensing the severity of the situation, Rin spoke earnestly.
"No."
You had thought that hearing what you wanted would give you peace of mind, would have you expelling a sigh of relief. But you felt no such aphrodisiac effect. Your mind continued to spin nightmares and scream deceit. You clutched at your chest. Your heart was beating too fast, and you felt like your lungs were constricting. You couldn't suck in enough oxygen no matter how hard you tried.
"(Y/N)?" Rin's voice suddenly sounded too far away.
Your vision swam, and you closed your eyes to ward off the wave of nausea that threatened to engulf you. But it wasn't enough. You swayed with the lull. The floor beneath you turned to liquid, and you lost your balance.
"(Y/N)!"
You expected to meet the harsh surface of the synthetic floor but found yourself falling into Rin's sturdy frame instead. However, he didn't expect for your legs to give out at that instance. The force of the momentum brought you both tumbling to the floor, and Rin grunted on impact. You sat, back against his front as he had both arms wrapped around your midsection. The familiar scent of chlorine and shampoo surrounded you and your eyes prickled with tears. You felt so safe here, yet so vulnerable.
"Fuck (Y/N), I'm sorry I missed dinner with your mom, but you can't just not eat. I know what she says upsets you, but you can't let her ruin your health like this." You felt his chest rumble with each word.
His concern for your well-being dented your last line of defense. The metaphorical floodgates all but cracked open, and your tears streamed shamelessly.
"How can I trust you?" you sobbed. "How do I know you're not lying to me."
Rin stared down at your small figure, expression contorted in confusion and slight desperation. Seeing you like this was worrying because he couldn't make heads or tails of the situation. He knew you like he knew how to breathe underwater. Like second nature. So, not being able to tell where your distress was coming from was really throwing him for a loop. He tightened his arms around you, his brain not quite able to form the words of a proper reply.
You were beyond exhausted. You had been fighting with your thoughts for 3 days now. Doubting him. Doubting yourself. Doubting everything you had always sworn to be true. But you were tired of the doubts. And you were tired of not knowing. So, you gave voice to the question that had been haunting you for what felt like an eternity.
"Who's Leah Anglo?"
You felt Rin's figure stiffen.
"What?"
"Leah Anglo. I know you've been texting her. And not PG things either. So, who is she? I've never heard you mention anyone like that. And she seems to know exactly when you're in the shower since she has the audacity to ask you for nudes."
You felt his breath hitch. Within seconds, you felt his heart rate speed up to the point where it threatened to pump out of his chest. His breathing became unsteady. When the arm around your middle began to tremble, you began to cry.
That was until you heard a snicker.
At first you thought you had heard wrong, but when Rin's entire body began to shake, you twisted around in his grip to get a better look at him.
The sight before you had your jaw dropping in disbelief.
He had the widest smile on his face, and he was trying so hard to contain his laughter, pressing his lips so tightly together they turned white, that tears began welling in his eyes.
He choked. Then rasped. And all the while, he saw the look on your face begin to sour.
"(Y/N)… I'm… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… I can't…" He brought his arms up to wipe at his eyes as he dissolved further into a mess of snorts and wheezes. You shifted so that you sat facing him, arms crossed, face less than unamused, waiting for his rudeness to subside.
"What. The. Hell. Rin! You better explain yourself. Now!" You couldn't believe this man. You were here baring your naked soul to him and he had the fucking nerve to laugh at you?
When Rin finally regained his composure, he rested his gaze on you.
"What's Leah in Japanese?"
"Huh?"
Catching sight of your puzzled expression, Rin elaborated.
"Phonetically, how is it spelled?"
You thought for a second.
"Rei (レ) and a (ア)."
He looked pointedly at you.
"Know anybody from Japan who partially goes by that first katakana character there?
It clicked for you then.
"Rei? Leah is Rei? Ryugazaki Rei?"
"Mmhmm," Rin hummed in accord.
"Why the fuck would you name him as Leah on your phone?!" You screeched.
"Because he named me Lina on his!" Rin retorted as if it were the most logical, flawless, and sound-proof answer.
You sputtered.
"Why are you guys naming each other after girls anyway?" You argued not bothering to hide just how perturbed you were.
"Because Nagisa said we had girly names so our English names should be girl names to match."
"And you're giving each other English names because….?"
Rin sighed.
"Look, Rei wanted me to help him practice his English. Nagisa said if we used English names it would be more of a motivator. So, it was just Rei's brilliant idea to stick the phonetic 'a' after our real names to make them English."
You took a minute to digest what he had said. If Rei and Rin were English conversation partners, Leah's last name started to make a lot of sense.
"Okay, that's fine and all, I guess…but remind me again, why is Rei asking you for nudes?!"
"Okay now that was all Nagisa. You know what a joker he is. I wouldn't respond to his texts so he used Rei's phone instead. As if I couldn't tell the difference between the two. Their texting styles couldn't be more different. He was just trying to wrangle a response out of me."
You stared at him, dumbfounded by his revelation. You knew he was telling the truth because one, there was no way he could come up with such an elaborate lie on the spot, and two, knowing Nagisa, this was definitely something he would do.
You groaned, mostly in embarrassment but also partly in relief.
"Rin, honestly, your choice in friends… Do you have any idea what the past couple of days were like for me? As if seeing my mother wasn't vexing enough. I had to wrestle with the thought of you with another girl."
Rin pinched both your cheeks and pulled hard causing you to yelp in pain.
"Hey, don't blame me for jumping to conclusions. That's all on you. As if I would ever mess around with another girl. How could you doubt me like that? Really, (Y/N), I'm beyond insulted and hurt. Very hurt."
You tried to pry his fingers from your face. He let you go.
Even though he was being sarcastic about it, there was truth in what he was saying. He should be insulted. He should be hurt. Because you didn't trust him. And sure, naming Rei as Leah Anglo on his phone and not telling you about it probably wasn't the best idea, but if you had doubts, you should have talked to him about it. Instead of hiding your worries behind sexual favors, and twisting your thoughts into deep dark corners, you should have confronted him sooner.
"It's not you that I doubt. It's myself. I catch myself thinking all the time how someone like you can be with someone like me. I've never been good at expressing myself, but you seem to know exactly what I'm thinking without me even having to say it. God Rin, the way you read me… it's like you know me better than I know myself. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you. That you'd be better off with another girl. Someone who was more articulate or more charismatic, or just generally more of what I'm not."
Rin grabbed your face with both hands and kissed you full on the lips before you could say more.
"But I don't want someone who's not you. (Y/N), I can't believe you don't know how much you matter to me. I honestly can't do what I do without you there to support me. And don't say you don't. You may not be the most articulate, but that never once mattered to me. Because your actions, the way you hold yourself, and the way you capture art, it speaks volumes. Here, I'll prove it to you. Where's your phone?"
Spotting the device on the sofa, he reached behind him. Holding the phone to your face, he unlocked the screen and quickly opened up your camera roll. He randomly tapped on the album titled "Sharkie's Summer Training". Your screen flooded with candid pictures of your maroon-haired boyfriend.
He scrolled through a couple of photos. You didn't get what he was trying to say.
"Rin, what am I looking at? These are all picture of you. If you're trying to prove I'm obsessed with my boyfriend, you can stop. We all know I melt at the sight of your body."
"(Y/N), just shut up and look. Like really look."
You sighed, but continued to stare at the images as he scrolled. Rin standing by the pool, Rin crouched on the diving bored, Rin mid-dive.
As he swiped through the photos, something began to stir at the back of your brain. These were all pictures of him. You had photographed his every angle, every posture, every expression. The camera lens was trained on him, capturing his essence, as if he were starring in his own summer movie.
The upshots, the full shots, the close-ups, the extreme close-ups, each image told so much about Rin. How the muscles in his face tightened up when Mikhail chewed him out for being late, how his teeth glistened in the sun when he saw his competitive time, how he blushed and scratched at his cheek when his teammates revered him, how his eyes hardened in determination when he got ready to do 20 laps.
These were all picture of him. But more importantly, about how you saw him.
Because the woman behind all of these photos was you. You who silently cheered him on, who noticed these details – these insignificant, miniscule, details, you, who chose to capture it—no, was compelled to capture it, who somehow, by capturing it, made it beautiful, you made him beautiful, made him glow, made him feel like he could win the entire world series with you, if he were with you.
"Trust me, only you can make me look this good," he breathed.
Your eyes watered. Without any real words, Rin had restored your confidence in your work, and in your love for him.
You punched him in the arm. "Trust me, with your face and build, it's really not that hard."
He glared at you, ready to rebuke your rebuttal, but stopped short when he saw the look on your face. You smiled reassuringly at him. He knew you knew the point he was trying to make. That just as you claimed he could read you, you could read him. The same way you could always find him in your frame. The same way you noticed and captured all the miniscule details. You observed him just as closely as he observed you. You loved him, just as much as he loved you. And he felt it. He knew it, better than you did.
"It's not just limited to me. Have you seen what you've taken so far?"
He scrolled to your most recent photo of a bicycle leaning against a red-bricked exterior. It was taken a few days ago when you and Rin were heading toward the supermarket. You had made the swimmer stop and wait while you photographed it.
"(Y/N), fucking hell, you even make bikes look romantic."
You giggled at the incredulous tone in his voice.
Placing the phone on the coffee table, he reached for you, tucking a stray lock of hair behind your ear so that he could see your face better.
"You find beauty in everything but yourself," he murmured. "Why is that?"
You blushed and looked down, not quite knowing how to answer.
"I don't know," you admitted, then meeting his gaze, "but being with you somehow always makes me feel beautiful."
He wrapped his arms around your middle and dragged you into his lap. You buried your face in his chest, gripping tightly onto his black t-shirt.
"One day, I'm going to make you see yourself like how I see you. Like how you see me, like how you see the world."
You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak.
"Just wait, you'll wake up one day and you'll just know it. You'll feel it. Without me having to say anything."
You sank deeper into him. In all honesty, what he said sounded too good to be true, but you let yourself believe in it anyway. Because Rin had that effect on people. When he believed in something, he made others believe in it too.
"Are you going to show me a sight I've never seen before? Like how you showed your high school friends?"
"You bet your ass I am. I'll definitely show it to you."
You smiled.
"Can I hold you to that?"
"Always."
Your heart swelled.
"Fuck, Rin," Pulling his head down, you kissed his lips. "I love you," you breathed.
He grinned.
"I love you too."
It was precisely times like these that you wished you had an invisible camera. Rare moments like these that you wished you could capture and freeze in time. Raw moments like these where two people were at their most vulnerable. Where distance became metaphorical. You itched to grab your phone, but you knew doing so would undoubtedly dampen the mood. So, you threaded your hands into his hair instead, pulling him towards you. Rin gripped your waist in response. His touch was lava.
You wanted to ingrain this moment into your memory, but you knew it wouldn't be enough. Because memory was prone to fade and susceptible to change. So, you decided instead to burn him into your skin. Everywhere he touched, everywhere you touched, it was a minefield. He set your body ablaze leaving scorch marks in his wake, you set him on fire until he incinerated from the inside out. You burned so hot you were scared you would melt. It was pure sin and pure love. And fuck, you never felt so complete.
And somehow, after the razing flame became a soft glowing ember, you found yourself on your shared bed curled up beside him. It was then that you remembered something important.
"Rin?" You called out into the dark, voice hoarser than you expected.
"Hmm." He hummed in satisfied exhaustion.
"Would you turn me in if I killed Nagisa?"
He laughed, then pulled you into his naked chest, trapping you against his heat.
"No," he muttered.
A heart beat.
"I'll gladly be your accomplice."
Story Note:
*OQT = Olympic Qualifying Times
Author's Note:
It took me a while to write this because some of the insecurities that the reader deals with hit a little too close to home for me, but I actually had to try and find solutions for some of the problems. I'm thankful Rin turned out to be such a supportive boyfriend. I think it's because Rin has dealt so much with his own shortcomings and vulnerabilities in his life that it's easy to picture him recognizing and helping out someone who's feeling insecure. Even more so if that someone happens to be his girlfriend. Sadly, this is not a continuation of my other Rin fic, Every Second Counts. As much as I want to see Alice reunite with Rin, I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to navigate that. But thank you so much for making it this far! I hope you enjoyed it.
