1A/N: I've come back to this episode again, and again, and again throughout my many years of watching Law & Order. I've wanted to write something a little more about Diana Hawthorne's motivations for a long time to go with my fic "Maybe that's affecting your judgement." I'm hoping to continue this.
Claire. Claire, Claire, Claire. So that's who replaced her, she thinks bitterly. He's certainly changed his type. He always used to go for blondes and that untouched ingenue look. Claire may be many things but ingenue she is not, not after that debacle with Joel Thayer.
Liz used to talk about her, just in passing, when they discussed the cases she was consulting on. She skirted around any mention of the evident relationship Claire had with Jack, but it was obvious, Claire practically sent an engraved invitation announcing it.
I expect him to tell me the truth.
She almost laughed in Claire's face. The truth ? Since when did Jack McCoy tell anyone the truth? He wouldn't even acknowledge it himself. But she looked so earnest, so eager, so young . So impossibly young. An idealist, still, after years in the DA's office. Well, she'd worked for Ben Stone, that white knight. Of course she made it through those difficult first years with her integrity dented but intact.
She can't focus on work so she just stays in her office, doodling on her notepad and pretending to be on the phone, until she can finally leave. It feels like getting out of school for the summer. She's never been so eager to leave for the day… except after Jack broke up with her.
God, it's been years now, almost five years since they were together, and she still thinks about him, wonders about him, wants him. She wonders if anyone else feels like this about the charismatic men who take over everything in their lives… does Liz still feel like this about Mike? Does she wonder about him and try to picture him and his day and does she imagine him and burn for him and ache for him the way she does with Jack?
She's dated other men since Jack but no one has had the power to move her like he did. It's not just sex, though of course that's part of it. It's the sheer intensity of being an equal match on every level-personally, professionally… being with him was like a marriage. They were together almost every minute of every day and she loved that, she loved having her life consumed into their life, she loved him…
She steps outside and sees him. There he is, my God, my God. After all this time… there he is. Waiting for her. Still wearing that awful jacket. A little thinner, a little greyer, but it's him. It takes every single ounce of willpower she has not to throw her arms around him and it's beyond her to stop a smile from spreading across her face.
'Jack,' she says, trying and failing to hide just how moved she is.
'Diana,' he says, and God, his voice still does something to her.
'I begged you to get rid of that coat eight years ago,' she says, being flippant because how can she be otherwise with him, here, standing in front of her.
'You suborned perjury,' he says, and her heart stops. 'You never showed me the witness statement. I've been suspended. Two boys are dead.'
Of course he'd think being suspended was worse than two boys' deaths , she thinks to herself, surprised by just how bitter and twisted this moment became. 'Wonderful opening statement,' she tells him acidly. 'Concise but strong. I'm sure Claire is learning a great deal from you.' She looks down her nose at him but her heart is racing, she feels adrenaline pounding through her veins.
'For the past three hours I've been trying to figure out what the hell you were thinking,' he says, shaking his head at her like she's some child who misbehaved.
'What you were thinking,' she tells him, using every single ounce of energy to keep from breaking down on the street-just how she would break she doesn't know. 'Win the case.'
'Like that?' he asks, astonished, as though this is something that would never occur to him to do.
'How many times have I seen you reject unreliable witnesses?' she asks, feeling anger bubble up. 'How many times have I seen you give experts a little "pep talk?"' She's almost spitting now at his hypocrisy, at how ridiculous he's being. He does this too! He's always done this! 'How many times have I seen you use a footnote to the fine print of the CPL to avoid giving something to the defense?'
'You crossed a line I never came near!' he shouts at her. She feels flecks of spittle land on her face and resists the urge to wipe them away.
'Get off it, Jack, you know what I did,' she snaps. 'Exactly what you wanted me to.'
She sees his stunned face, his astonishment, and she just… she is so angry with him. With herself. With what happened. She shakes her head and turns away from him and doesn't look back. After a moment, she hears his footsteps, familiar still, walk away.
She is shaking by the time she reaches the corner and she knows that she won't make it home. She holds up her hand to hail a cab and thankfully one pulls over right away. She climbs into the back and gives the driver the address, then leans back against the seat and takes a deep, shuddering breath.
This is not what was supposed to happen. She thought Andrew Dillard was guilty, she thought that the witness statement would just muddy the waters, be used by Dillard's attorney to prove reasonable doubt. She never, never, never thought there was anything in it.
She wanted them to win. They needed to win, to get that monster off the streets… this would have ruined their case, this would have let him go, this would have…
But that's wrong, she knows now. Because Andrew Dillard was innocent all this time. Simon Brooks was guilty. And if she hadn't suppressed the witness statement… if she had let the police follow up… if she had followed up on her own…
Then two boys wouldn't be dead. Then the real killer would have been found. Then an innocent man wouldn't be in prison.
Oh, God.
