10A/N: Finally posting this little tag to "Unbecoming An Officer" after many, many weeks of writing it. It was kind of one thing and then another and then I selfishly kind of wanted it to fit with the second chapter of my Breaking Down Doors fic which I'm still trying to finish. Anywho, I'm happy with it and the bromance it contains. Hope you enjoy!
Sonny was brooding.
Everyone else had crowded around the bar, chatting, laughing, blowing off the steam of their crazy mission and subsequent mad dash to save Lisa. Even Vic was having a good time despite their near brush with death. Sonny had been in on the fun earlier, but then he'd seen some young buck chatting up Lisa and his good mood had instantly evaporated.
He'd told the truth today; Lisa put the Navy first, above her own happiness. Apparently his happiness was just collateral damage. And he'd had just about enough of remembering that.
As he began reaching for his wallet Clay walked in and slid onto the stool next to him. "So?" he said quietly.
"So what?" Sonny said, putting a couple of bills on the bar.
"So it's later," Clay said. "You want to talk about it?"
"About what? That monkey suit you're wearing?" Sonny asked, eyeing Clay's fancy get-up. He'd clearly come directly from a date with his new lady.
"About you and Davis," Clay said bluntly. Apparently he wasn't in the mood to put up with Sonny's evasiveness tonight.
"Not particularly." Sonny downed the last sip of his beer and stood.
"Come on man, I know why you couldn't say anything before, but you clearly need to talk it out."
He glared at his friend. "I do not need to have some kind of lady chat about my feelings. And it ain't your damn business."
He pushed off from the bar and headed out the back for some fresh air. He was suffocating in the heat and crowd. Apparently Clay hadn't gotten the message because he followed him. "Sonny, we are gonna talk about this."
"What part of it's not your business ain't making sense in your head?" Sonny said.
"Look, this has clearly been some tough shit and I want to help you deal with it!"
"Oh you want to help me deal with it Dr. Phil?" Sonny rounded on him, eyes blazing. "You sure you're not too busy hightailing it off with your fancy, new girlfriend, pretending to be something you sure as hell ain't?"
"Hey back off!" Clay barked. "This is not about me tonight!"
"Well it damn well feels like it! Because as far as I've seen, the last couple months you ain't given two shits about anybody on this team outside of the work day." He was hitting below the belt but he didn't care. He felt so alone and hurt right now, abandoned by the two people in the world he most depended on, and he didn't want to hear that he was a mess or any of Clay's advice on how to fix it.
"That's not true and you know it." Clay's eyes were cold. Sonny had struck a nerve and honestly, right now he was ready to let it all blow up. There was so much angry, restless energy inside him and he wanted some way to let it out. If that meant a knock-down, drag-out behind the bar, he was ready for it.
"But you know what that's fine," he continued to push. "I got me a new wing man now and plenty'a ladies lining up around the block now that Sonny's back on the market."
"You're an idiot," Clay told him. "That's all some kind of fucked up fantasy you've created in your head because I know for a fact that you haven't been with anyone since you and Davis called it quits."
"Yeah and how the hell do you know that?"
"Because I know you Sonny! I've seen what you've been like these last few months. You're different."
"I ain't changed a damn thing."
"Yeah you keep telling yourself that. I've seen the way you look at her. You've never looked at anybody like that."
"And how is that exactly? Please tell me, in all your wisdom, with all your successful relationships, how do I look at Davis any differently than I look at anybody else?"
"You look at her like part of you is missing," Clay said quietly. "Like you're fucking torn apart."
Sonny went silent. Because it was true. He'd given a piece of himself to Davis that he couldn't seem to figure out how to get back. It was like an empty hole had opened up inside his chest and nothing, not drinks, not women, not the job, could fill it back up again.
"This wasn't just some kind of fling, was it?" Clay asked. "You loved her." His eyes seemed to see right through Sonny. "You still love her."
He ran a hand over his face, his throat feeling tight as all the anger he'd felt morphed back again into an agonizing loneliness. "It's against the rules."
"That doesn't make your feelings any different," Clay told him.
"She made a choice. And I…" Sonny shook his head. "She made a choice." He sank down onto the back steps of the bar. How could it possibly still hurt this much? He'd always dealt with romantic blows fine in the past. This time, none of his usual tricks were working and he was just about clean out of ideas.
Clay sat next to him. "Must have been hard to hide it from all of us."
"Ray found out in Serbia," Sonny said. "Once that happened, I think it spooked her. Too much on the line. Her job, my job."
"That's a tough spot to be in."
Sonny let out a humorless chuckle. "Didn't seem tough for her. The job or me? I woulda picked the job too."
"Do you blame her for that?"
"No." He didn't. Truly. As much as it hurt, he'd had a lot of time to get some clarity on it. The job was what had saved her. It was where she found her strength. He couldn't deny her that when he felt the same way himself. "No she did the right thing." He scrubbed a hand across his face. "I just, I miss her. Things with her were different. Better. When we were together…" he shrugged. "We had a really good thing. Best thing I've ever had. And I wasn't ready for it to be over yet."
He was a little drunk and a lot unhappy so the words started slipping from his tongue before he could stop them. "I can't believe she didn't even tell me she was in trouble. Used to be I woulda been her first call. Now she's what? Doing everything alone? That ain't right."
"She's just trying to figure out this new job."
"She asked if we could still be…buddies. But I can't—I don't think I can go back," he said, a pained expression on his face. "It was too good. And I don't know how to reset the clock on some of it."
Clay nodded. "So was it worth it then?"
"What?"
"Letting her go."
"I didn't let her go." Sonny felt something twist sharply inside him. "She left. What was I supposed to do, get down on my knees and beg? I didn't have a choice in the matter, she made that pretty clear."
"You always have a choice."
"Spenser either say what you mean or leave me the hell alone." He was too wrung out for any of Clay's philosophical bullshit this evening.
"Just saying, the job…that's temporary. Eventually we're all going to be too broken to do it, if we even make it out in one piece at all. But there's some things that are going to be around a lot longer. And if it's good, maybe it's worth making some sacrifices for."
Sonny stared at him. "Who are you and what have you done with Mr. Frogman-til-I-die?"
Clay shrugged. "Just been doing a lot of thinking lately. About how much good we're actually doing. And what I want my legacy to be."
"Huh," Sonny said. "That fancy girlfriend putting some ideas in your head?"
"Never hurts to plan ahead."
Sonny felt a shiver of foreboding. "You're not thinking of leaving the team are you?"
As annoyed as he'd been with his brother lately, he wasn't ready to let him go yet. The new guy still had a lot to learn, and he was nowhere near as good a wingman as Clay, not that Sonny would ever admit it. "Just been thinking about the future," Clay assured him.
"Yeah well so long as the future doesn't end up being tomorrow," Sonny said gruffly.
"Point is, Davis might be the one who walked away, but you're the one who gave it up without a fight. And that's not like you at all."
That stung. He had let her walk away. His pride had been too wounded to do anything else. "It's over now. Nothing to do but move forward."
Clay looked him dead in the eye. "She's not over you, you know that right? You can still make a different choice. Just gotta decide which one you'd rather live with."
He clapped Sonny on the shoulder and headed back inside, leaving him alone to mull things over. This was the problem with talking to Clay; he'd never tell you exactly what he thought, but instead sort of talk around the issue and leave you reconsidering all your life choices. It was all those damn books he read.
He'd never planned to leave the team until he was too old to hold a weapon or the good Lord called him home early. But…was there a chance Clay was right? Were there some things more worth it than the job? He wasn't sure and he didn't know how to figure that out.
The door opened and Brock stuck his head out. "Hey! You coming back or what? That blonde was asking."
Once upon a time the thought of spending a night with "that blonde" would have had him heading straight back inside. But now…Clay was right. He hadn't been with anyone since Lisa because he didn't want to be. Not now. Not with her standing there watching. He shook his head. "Nah, I'm gonna head on home."
Brock raised his eyebrows. "Suit yourself."
Sonny fished out his keys. He'd sit in his truck until he was sober enough to drive. And then…he'd go home alone. Again.
A/N: On another note, I am SO FLIPPING EXCITED for Wednesday. 2 hours of amazingess is coming our way!
