23She'd tried to put him out of her mind. It had been almost six months since Jane had killed Red John and run off to God knows where, and she had tried desperately to put him out of her mind. Her efforts were futile, though. No matter what she did, she couldn't stop thinking about him. Her partner and her best friend both gone in an instant, taking with him her job, team, and stability. Her entire life had been turned upside down and she was left standing without the one person who mattered most beside her. He'd left before and she'd survived, the only difference was this time, she had a sinking feeling it was permanent. She couldn't fault him for doing what he had to do. Of course she'd hoped he would have made a different decision when the time actually came and allowed her to help him, but she couldn't blame him for avenging his family.
She could, however, blame him for years worth of transgressions against her. While he was still in her life, his charm and fussing over her was enough to blur his sins enough to where she stopped feeling the pang of hurt. The occasional coffee, pastry, or guiding hand on her back nearly made up for all the trouble and grief he caused. Now that he was gone, it was like she was living every transgression fresh, the sting of the betrayals biting like the cold handprint she felt at the small of her back.
It killed her not knowing where he was or how he was doing. She worried for him every day, hoping he was happy and safe. That seemed like a lot to ask for after avenging the death of your family and going on the run to escape murder charges, but she would have settled with just knowing he was alive. She knew why he couldn't make contact, but she also knew that Jane found a way to do what was important to him. The fact that she hadn't heard from him in nearly six months led her to the obvious conclusion — he was ready to put Red John, along with the CBI and everything that reminded him of Red John, behind him.
As she put her gun in the safe and went upstairs to take her uniform off, she began to reflect on all the times Patrick Jane had broken her heart. She'd already had a shitty day at work, so she decided to indulge herself. She thought about when exactly the damage had been done — what specific time he'd hurt her the worst. It wasn't him lying about remembering telling her he loved her, it wasn't sleeping with Lorelei, it wasn't even him leaving. It was when he left her on that damn beach to go catch Red John. She'd always expected him to ditch her, but she never expected him to emotionally manipulate her in the process. Hell, she could handle him ditching her. But he expertly played her emotions, knowing her love for him was her weakness, to catch Red John alone. That was a sting she doubted would ever dull.
She rid herself of her uniform and began to run a bubble bath. She put her robe on and made her way down to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine. Being the sheriff of a small town certainly wasn't hard work, but it was often very tedious. She had only been on the job for a couple of weeks and she was still learning the politics of the small office. There were several "good old boys" who didn't take well to having a female boss, especially one younger than themselves. Today had been a mess. She'd had to reprimand one of her officers for excessive force, and he had not taken it well. He lashed out at her, and she had to fire him for disrespect on the spot. Endless paperwork and meetings had ensued. She was looking forward to having a glass of wine and forgetting the day surrounded by bubbles.
Just as she was about to make her way back upstairs, the doorbell rang. She had absolutely no idea who it could be — she hadn't been in Washington a month yet and certainly hadn't made any friends. She began to walk to open the door, then remembered her bath water running.
"Just a minute!" She called through the door, running up the stairs to cut her water off before she flooded her entire house. She put her glass of wine on her living room table and peered through the peephole. Her legs almost gave out underneath her, and she flung the door open.
"Pete?" She asked, disbelief covering her features.
"Hey Pepper!" She always hated that damn nickname, "Mind if I come in for a minute?"
She dumbly shook her head and motioned for him to come in. He went straight for the couch in her living room, and she followed, too shocked to say anything.
"By that look on your face, I can tell you're wondering what I'm doing here," he said. She found her voice.
"I will admit I was not expecting to find you on my doorstep. What brings you here? Unless," she trailed off, "Is this about Jane? Do you know something?" She was suddenly frantic, "He's not…" he cut her off.
"For Heaven's sake no! But this is about Paddy. He wrote me a letter. Wrote you one too. He asked me to bring it to you. You're not an easy woman to find. He sent it a couple of weeks ago, but I just now was able to find you and make my way here," he said. He threw the letter down on the coffee table, next to her forgotten glass of wine, "I should be getting back to Sam. She's waiting for me at the hotel," he stood up.
"Oh, uh, thank you Pete. At least let me pay for your hotel since you came all this way to deliver my letter," she said.
"Don't worry about it. Sam and I needed a vacation and Paddy already took care of it. He may be a pain in the ass, but he does think of everything," he said.
"That he does," she shook her head, unable to hide a smile at the thought of him, "well thank you. I wish there was something I could do for you all," she said.
"Don't worry about it. Paddy asked me to and, to be honest, we owe you all one after finding baby Kaitlyn last year. I'm expecting Paddy to send more letters, so from now on I'll mail them. Paddy told me to mail them with 'Paper Frogs, Inc.' as the return address, whatever the hell that means," she couldn't help but quirk her lips at his callback to the paper frog he'd given her more than a decade ago. She nodded as he made his way back to the front door.
"Pete — thank you. Really. This means so much to me," she said. A knowing smile crept onto his features.
"Night, Pepper," he said with an understanding gleam in his eye. She closed the door behind him, grabbed her wine, and settled on the couch. She practically tore into the letter, suddenly unable to wait another moment to see Jane's beautiful handwriting and read what he had to say to her.
Dear Lisbon,
Let me start off this letter by answering the questions I know you've been asking for the past couple of months. Yes I am okay. No I am not dead in a ditch. In an effort to keep you clear of any wrongdoing, I'm not going to tell you where I am, but it is somewhere warm, beautiful, and without an extradition agreement. And finally — yes, I miss you every day. I was able to keep up with the news enough to hear about the dismantling of the CBI. I'm so sorry about that. I know that was the place that felt like home to you — to me, too. I know your life has been turned upside down and I know it is my fault. I truly want to apologize. But, if I know one thing about you, it's that you'll land on your feet. You always do.
I thought killing Red John would make the guilt and heaviness in my life disappear. I thought I would all of a sudden feel normal, whatever that is. Instead, I'm left with a hollowness and I feel as if I'm mourning Angela and Charlotte for the first time. It's probably what a psychiatrist would say is a healthy response, but what do they know? I don't tell you this to worry you, but you're the only living soul that I trust enough to open up to. To put your mind at ease, I am healing, it's just a slower process than I expected.
I want you to know I left you a voicemail right before I took off. I suspected when you didn't pick up that the FBI had confiscated your phone, and I've feared they deleted my message to you. It wasn't long or detailed, but it is important to me that you know I didn't simply neglect to reach out to you. I have just recently gotten settled in my new life here, and I couldn't wait to write to you. Please know that you have never been forgotten or an afterthought. You've been my North Star for years, and that will not cease just because we are apart.
I hope all is well with you. I must admit, I've had to be on my best behavior around here since I don't have you to clean up after me. I'm going to have to find some trouble here soon or I might die of boredom. Please pass along my well wishes to the team. I could never have caught him without their help — or yours. I owe every one of you my life many times over, but a letter will have to suffice for now. Be well, Teresa.
U no hoo
She must have read that letter fifty times over, each time finding something new to hang onto. It was as if the life came back into her. The numbness she had felt for six months suddenly vanished, leaving her in a heap of different emotions. Happiness bubbled up in her, mixed with rage, grief, hope, and most of all, love. She'd been afraid to admit it before, but he was gone and she likely would never see him again. If she were to be honest with herself, she knew she was in love with him. She had been for years. She didn't know if she'd ever get the chance to lay out her grievances before him, but she knew that even if she didn't, he was already as good as forgiven. Damn the bastard, she couldn't stay mad at him.
She got up from the couch and went to her attic where she kept a few boxes filled with things from her childhood home. She carefully opened one of them and pulled out a beautifully carved wooden box. She remembered her mother keeping all of her recipes within this box and she had been told her grandmother had done the same. She had never known what to do with the box since she didn't cook and didn't have recipes to fill it with, but it seemed now it had a purpose. She brought the box downstairs, placed it on the center of her coffee table, and placed Jane's letter inside. She said a quick prayer that she would get to add to it before heading off to bed for the night.
Pete got his hotel key card out of his wallet and inserted it in the door. To his surprise, Sam was still awake watching television,
"Well? Did you get it to her?" Sam asked. Pete grinned at her and nodded, "And?" She asked.
"She's hopelessly in love with Patrick Jane."
