228Chapter 10: I'll Gift Fire to the Ice Queen
Let it never be said that I allowed myself to be roped into visiting some 9 to 5 desk job though.
My second choice had been to visit a martial arts dojo, and of course, my masters were more than happy to allow it. So I ended up just having a regular training session. Of course, no one else was really interested in a career as a fighter or coach, so I went alone, which was actually great, since I wouldn't have to think about cutting the session short or adjusting to them.
We got some padwork in, my Kru criticized my kick technique and told me I should teep properly, and then we did some light sparring. Good times, good times.
But with that out of the way, stuff went back to normal.
Studies, working out, martial arts, drawing, the otaku life. Everything I did.
And the Service Club went on too.
After our first few requests, things were mostly quiet, and we didn't get any new clients. That was actually perfectly all right. These days, I enjoyed going there just to relax. Yukinoshita, Yui and myself had fallen into a kind of natural pattern. It was calm, predictable even, but comfortable. Yukinoshita and I would both be doing our own thing respectively. Yui would try to break the ice, which would lead to an inevitable argument between the Ice Queen and myself, before we'd once more go back to whatever it is we were doing. Then the cycle would repeat. It wasn't bad at all. Much of the hostility Yukinoshita had had towards me was gone, and speaking for myself, I didn't really find as much reason to dislike her as I did before. I suppose it really had been a case of getting off on the wrong foot.
Yes, she was a believer in duty, something I put no stock in.
She was a believer in doing right by society, which I despised.
I was a hedonist, which went against her ideas.
I believed in having fun above all else, which disgusted her.
But that was just a small part of what made us, well, us.
You see, no matter how many times I say I'm a hedonist, that's only one part of me.
Like I've said, humans cannot be reduced to a single trait.
At the best and worst of times, in the best and worst of us, there is both good and bad. And we're full of contradictions. Maybe, an altruist could have fun once in a while. And maybe, a hedonist could make sacrifices.
Yukinoshita and I had plenty we agreed on too.
Maybe we'd decided to just focus on that.
It wasn't a complete solution. But for now, it was progress.
It was a nice rhythm we had, which was why I was a little surprised when I came to class one day, and found Yui hadn't turned up.
Of course, true to tradition, I hadn't done the obvious thing and gotten her number yet (though we hung out every day). So I couldn't text or call and ask her what was wrong. Of course, asking her "friends" was out of the question. A few of them were still on good terms with her, despite knowing her association with me. But that didn't meant they were on good terms with me. I shook my head. There was nothing I could do for the moment. Maybe she just had a cold or something, and took a day off. Hoping it was nothing serious, I got into my seat and prepared to begin the school day.
Classes proceeded pretty much as usual.
Even Modern Japanese.
Sensei never brought up the matter up the matter of my confession, and I certainly didn't do so either. She didn't act awkward, or otherwise change how she behaved with me. For all practical intents and purposes, we were what we had always been: teacher and student, with some shared hobbies. Thus, I didn't see any reason to be awkward around her either. We met in class, and occasionally at Club, and that was it.
That day, I finished my classes and went to the Service Club's room, as always. It was only once I arrived at the door that I realized Yui wouldn't be waiting for me on the other side today. It would just be Yukinoshita and myself. I wondered for a moment if things would be strained, as they had once been, without Yui's ability to smooth things over in play. Well, there was no point thinking about it. Sliding open the door, I saw Yukinoshita in her usual place at one side of the table.
"Yo," I greeted, as usual.
"Good afternoon," she replied.
Thankfully, none of the old hostility was in the air. I decided to head over to my own seat and take it. I wasn't in the mood to draw anything at the moment, so I decided to get my phone out and watch clips of various "off brand" anime, as the Westerners like to call them. And no, the idea was not to get off on them. YouTube videos are heavily edited to avoid being taken down, so by the time they actually go up, almost nothing remains except a garbled mess that becomes hilarious to watch. Combined with the smartass comment sections, they were a goldmine of comedy. I highly recommend trying them out sometime.
"Hikigaya kun. If you aren't terribly busy watching strange videos, there's something I'd like to talk about."
"They aren't strange videos. It's called hentai and it's an art form."
Hmm.
Maybe I shouldn't have said that.
She looks disgusted.
Yep, I shouldn't have said that.
"Truly despicable, as expected from Lowlife kun. Despite winning over the affections of a young maiden, you still feel the need to indulge in such filth."
Wait, hold on. How does she know about that? Did Yui tell her? Or worse, did she figure it out just by looking at us?
"Yui and I aren't going out," I blurted out.
This seemed to genuinely surprise her.
"... That is news to me."
I sighed.
"How did you even find out about this anyway?"
"It is fairly common knowledge. It has to do with the fact that you apparently 'stole' her away from her so-called friends in public."
Oh.
Yeah, that did happen.
At the moment, it had felt like an epic win (which it was, let's not lie to ourselves), but mentioned in this context by Yukinoshita of all people, it made me feel more than a little bit of embarrassment at my own antics.
"A-ah, well, about that…" I started to explain.
"It's best if you let it go, Lowlife kun. You're only digging yourself into a deeper hole."
Did… Yukinoshita just score a point off me?
I looked at her, at the tiny hint of a smile on her face, and I realized that yes, she had indeed.
I was on the verge of retaliating, when I noticed that there wasn't any kind of malice in her words. If I looked closely, the joy on her face was pretty innocent. Feeling a smile coming on to my own face, I decided to let her have this.
"Yeah, all right. Fair enough."
Instead of gloating on that, however, there was just a little twinkle in her eye, as though she had understood.
"Hmm. Well, in any case, what I wanted to talk to you about is actually related. What are you going to gift Yuigahama?"
Gift?
For what?
Wait, hold on a second.
Oh. Oh.
"Her birthday's coming up?" I asked.
Yukinoshita looked at me in disbelief.
"You weren't even aware of this?"
I shook my head, slightly ashamed.
She facepalmed.
"You should do the poor girl a favour and break your spell on her. I don't think this kind of neglect is good."
"Oi, woman, I just didn't know, okay? Hadn't gotten around to asking her."
She shook her head.
"Excuses. Just accept your mistake, Careless kun."
"Oh, for fuck's sake. I was in the wrong, all right?
Yukinoshita smiled, clearly happy with the string of victories she was racking up against me. Enjoy it while you can. I'll be coming for payback.
"In any case, her Birthday happens to be today. That, in case you're wondering, is why she hasn't come to school today. As I understand it, she's celebrating at home with her family. She will be coming tomorrow though, which is when I plan to give her my own present. Which I haven't bought yet. Since you evidently haven't done so either, I was thinking…"
All of a sudden, she seemed slightly nervous about something.
Face slightly red, she stuttered out the next bit.
"Do- do you want to go out with me? To buy gifts?"
Of course. Good thing you added that last bit, because the rest wouldn't have been misleading at all, would it?
I'll be taking a point back now, please.
"Do yourself a favour, and avoid talking to boys. Your phrasing needs a lot of work."
"Eh? What do you mean? My grammar is technically correct, as far as I'm aware."
"Never mind. Any boy who talks to you probably already knows he hasn't got a chance."
"Chance? What are you talking about?"
"Nothing. I'll come with you. Let's buy those presents."
Yukinoshita seemed slightly relieved at my acceptance.
"Well, then, we should get moving."
I nodded, and we both picked up our stuff and made our way out.
We were actually closing up a bit early. Most clubs were still on, so we ran into quite a few people on the way out. As is their wont, people whispered when they saw us together. I caught enough of it to know that what they were saying wasn't very flattering. I was used to being hated, so I didn't really give a fuck. But Yukinoshita was a different matter.
I snuck a glance at her. On the surface she looked the same as ever, her face impassive to the world as always. But I knew that what one saw didn't always indicate the truth. For the first time, I found myself… worried about Yukinoshita?
But there was no way she'd react well if I made as much known.
I tried a roundabout approach.
"So, how's it feel?"
"How does what feel?"
"Your trial version of 'Be the Most Hated Person in School."
She initially seemed surprised, but soon, the tiny smile that I had seen before a few times appeared on her face.
"I'm afraid the only system with that program installed is still yours, Joker kun."
"If you're going to liken me to a villain, I at least want to be Dio. I'm quite good looking, you know."
"Indeed. Shame about your personality. And your eyes. Your soul? Yes, that too."
Ah yes. Her tongue was as sharp as ever. She was fine.
Looking at her again, nothing had changed. Almost. That half smile remained on her face, unlike before.
We decided to head to one of Chiba's bigger shopping malls. Once past the gates, I looked around, taking in the sights. The design was quite fancy. The entrance space had a massive fountain, with the floors above looking down on it from walkways. Many of the levels above had glass floors and walls, reinforced with steel, and the ceiling had a lighting system built to look like a chandelier.
Seeing it all, I felt an uncomfortable twinge in my brain.
Something nagging me.
Like the feeling that there's something that bothers you, but you just don't know what.
As I looked up at the chandelier, I momentarily saw an image.
A smile. Hopelessly broken.I could feel a palm in my sweaty hand, and I desperately tried to hold on, but I didn't have a good grip. It was slipping, alarmingly fast, and that broken smile was moving further away from me.
"Are you doing it? Are you being a badass?"
I shook my head, hard, and managed to snap out of it.
"Hikigaya kun? Are you all right?"
I heard the voice as though it was coming from a great distance, or like I was underwater.
Turning, I saw Yukinoshita staring at me, looking concerned. It was strangely touching to see her that way.
"I'm fine," I said. My heart was still pounding hard, but I was bringing my breathing back to normal.
"You don't look it," she insisted.
"It's not a big deal. This happens once in a while. Nothing to worry about."
It was true. Over the months, the episodes had gotten rarer and rarer, as I'd successfully shut away the memories, like I'd been taught to. It was only recently that I started to see more and more glimpses of that time.
Yukinoshita didn't seem entirely convinced by what I'd said.
"Hikigaya kun, we can sit down for a while if you want-"
"That won't help. Last time I saw the doc, he told me it was best if I stay active, do anything at all to keep my mind off it."
This again was true. It was strange to think about, and I very rarely did. Day to day, it hardly mattered, and almost never affected me, so I didn't really bother about it much. But this was very much a part of my life, no matter how much I ignored it.
I looked at Yukinoshita, and immediately felt bad about even mentioning any of this. She had the strangest combination of guilt, concern… and powerlessness on her face.
Of course. To someone who believed in duty, in helping others because she owes it to the world, this must hurt. To realize that there are certain things she just isn't qualified to do. As knowledgeable as she was, she was not a trained doctor, or a psychiatrist. Being in this position must be hard for her: to have someone in front of her whom she couldn't help.
Maybe this is the right time to show her something else too.
Life can get serious at times.
Fortunately, human beings can laugh. I think it is one of our strengths. To be able to make light of our own troubles.
"You can totally make me feel better if you buy me a copy of the Berserk anthology."
She blinked. Once. Twice. Thrice.
"What?"
"It's a manga. Clinically proven to either traumatize you, or cure trauma. In my case, it'll do the latter. So loan me, let's say, fifty thousand yen, so that I can buy the whole series."
I held out an open hand in front of her, and waited as her expression became more and more deadpan.
"It seems you're fine, actually, so you'll forgive me for not funding that purchase."
With that, she moved ahead, leaving me grinning and walking after.
Of course I'm fine. Haven't I said? I'm strong.
All that being said, however, a part of me was still touched by her concern for me, though I couldn't acknowledge it right now.
We ended up going to a couple of different stores. Yukinoshita ended up buying a frilly pink apron as her gift. I still hadn't decided what I wanted to get Yui, so we wandered around so I could check out different stuff and decide.
Somewhere in the course of all that, we decided to take a break, and sat down at one of the benches strategically placed around the mall.
"Hiki-incapable kun is incapable of choosing a gift, as usual."
"One must put some thought into this. There are things at stake here."
"Such as your success at seducing Yuigahama san? Cease and desist, Lowlife kun."
"Oi."
Yukinoshita smirked slightly, and I found my desire to retaliate slipping away. Hmm. That's happening a lot today.
I was just about to fire back with a friendly one liner when we were interrupted by the sound of a voice.
"Waah! Yukino chan!"
I instantly cringed slightly. Something about that voice annoyed me right away.
Was it too high pitched? Eh, maybe a little, but that wasn't it.
Too… friendly? Artificial? Fake. That's it.
I looked at Yukinoshita, who was staring past me, at the one who had called out to her. She looked like she had seen a ghost. This was the second time I had seen her without her constant aura of calm coolness. The first time had been earlier this evening. But this time, it wasn't out of concern. What I was seeing on her face was… fear. Despair even. It was like all the life and energy she had been showing seconds ago had been frozen, leaving her only the ability to reply mechanically.
Right away, without even turning around to see who the person that had put her in this state was, I knew one thing for a fact. I hated them. Every instinct in me wanted to protect Yukinoshita from whoever could do this to her… and I was going to listen to every one of those instincts.
Even before turning around, I'd already decided.
Whoever you are, you've made a mistake by existing.
And then I heard the words leave Yukinoshita's lips.
"Nee san…"
What?
Turning around, I looked at the person approaching us.
I could see certain similarities with Yukinoshita in her features. She was a little bit taller, probably around my height, and had short hair in contrast to her younger sister. Her figure was different too. From a purely objective standpoint, one would be hard-pressed to say she wasn't attractive. Unlike Yukinoshita, she smiled and waved, the picture of friendliness.
A picture I knew from my middle school days to be absolutely fake.
Coming up to us, she greeted her younger sister.
"Yukino chan! What a surprise running into you here. You should have told me if you were planning to go shopping. I'd come along with you."
There was a barely perceptible flinch in Yukinoshita's body, but I noticed it.
The elder sister still had that smile on her face, but it didn't reach her eyes, which remained cold.
Yukinoshita was an Ice Queen, no doubt, but her cold was natural, like a winter. This other person's coldness was different. Malicious, somehow. She knew she was making Yukinoshita uncomfortable, and she was revelling in it.
Also, she had flat out ignored me, and spoiler: that's not a good idea.
Hikigaya Hachiman respects families handling their own business, and generally doesn't interfere.
Unless you piss me off, in which case, I respect nothing about you.
Tapping Yukinoshita on the shoulder, I spoke.
"Hey, Yukinoshita. Who's this?"
My words instantly broke whatever spell had come over the Ice Queen. No longer frozen over, she stared at me, apologetic for not having introduced us.
It was quite satisfying.
Seeing the utter shock on the elder sister's face upon realizing the frozen fear hold she had on Yukinoshita had just been broken.
Have I mentioned?
Of all the things, I, Hikigaya Hachiman, enjoy in life, absolutely destroying those who torment others ranks very high.
And I was nowhere near done.
"Ah, sorry," said Yukinoshita. "Nee san, this is clubmate of mine from school. Hikigaya kun, this is my elder sister."
Looking at her now, I saw that I had Yukinoshita elder's undivided attention.
She was staring at me, fake smile no longer on her face. I could see the gears turning in her head as she tried to analyse and read me.
"Hikigaya kun, eh? Nice to meet you. Yukinoshita Haruno here."
She held out a hand, a traditionally Western greeting that might throw a lot of boys off, especially coming from a beautiful older woman.
But I had literally just asked out another, more beautiful older woman, and also happened to watch a lot of Hollywood films, so it didn't really do anything to me.
I took her hand and shook it, and found that she gripped firmly, meaning I could do so as well without feeling awkward about it. She seemed a little surprised that I didn't back down from the challenge as we both pulled our hands back.
"Hikigaya Hachiman," I answered. "Pleasure's all mine."
Again, a typically Western answer, translated to Japanese, deliberately awkward in its word choice.
In sparring, verbal or physical, never underestimate the opponent with "bad rhythm". Good rhythms are predictable. Bad ones? You never know what's coming next, or when.
She now looked curious, though not in the least happy.
"Hikigaya kun… I can't recall ever hearing about you."
I shrugged.
"I'm a bit of a ghost, really."
"Is that so? Ghostlike indeed, but also very alive. You're out here with a pretty girl on a date, after all."
Yukinoshita was about to protest angrily, as I could see out of the corner of her eye, but that would have been a mistake.
When dealing with a troll, don't get angry.
Troll back, harder.
Hoping my charisma stat (which I didn't have a lot of faith in), would be enough, I wrapped an arm around Yukinoshita and pulled her closer.
"Hi-Hikigaya kun!" she all but squeaked out.
Ignoring her, I looked at Yukinoshita the elder.
"As a matter of fact, right about now, I feel quite alive."
Seeing her stumped for the second time in such a short period of time did all sorts of good to me.
However, she quickly rallied, managing to bring that plastic smile back onto her face.
"Wah, how nice to be young! Still, Hikigaya kun. You are both still in school, you know. You wouldn't want to get ahead of yourself now, would you?"
"Absolutely. Good thing there's no chance of that happening, because of how damn good I am."
"Oho! Hikigaya kun is quite sure of himself, huh?"
"Absolutely. In fact, seeing how much confidence you carry yourself with shows me that this is indeed the right way to live."
This person probably wasn't used to someone answering back. Even with her formidable facade, she wasn't able to hide that split second reaction of her eye twitching.
Life tip: Facades are bullshit. Really. There are entire branches of law enforcement in various countries that are trained to pick up body language cues. And the reason behind that is simple: human beings absolutely suck at hiding information.
To her credit, though, her mask only slipped for a moment.
"Best way to live indeed, wouldn't you say, Yukino chan?"
She looked meaningfully at Yukinoshita. Doubtless that glance carried some meaning hidden in their shared past.
Despite me having done everything I could to destroy her sister's influence by introducing other factors into the situation, she still seemed slightly defensive.
"Nonsense," she said, lowering my arm from around her as she created some distance again. "No path endorsed by Lowlife kun can be the right way to live."
"Wow, that hurts a little," I said.
The elder sister merely took in this dynamic for a moment before she giggled slightly.
"I see. Well, I think I've interrupted your 'date' long enough. You are quite an interesting person, Hikigaya kun. Take care."
She probably intended that last bit to come out intimidating, but honestly, cliched villain line is cliched.
" 'K, cool. Later, Yukinoshita san," I said, making sure to be polite on the surface, but putting as much disdain as I could into the word choice.
I was rewarded with another eye twitch before she walked away.
"Well, that happened, huh?" I mused aloud to myself.
"Hikigaya kun!" hissed Yukinoshita the younger, who was relaxed now that the elder was gone. "What on earth were you thinking? Were you out of your mind?"
She looked worried, and a little angry, but I was glad to see one thing.
Both those emotions were now there on her own terms.
It wasn't an uncontrollable worry, a fear that left her frozen.
"Eh, I was just trying to help. Your sister seemed a tiny bit overbearing."
"I didn't ask for your help!" she snapped.
I paused and looked at her, and was forced to concede that she had a point.
Having help forced upon you is annoying.
Wait, didn't I just tell her earlier today that she couldn't help me?
Hmm. Can't go becoming a hypocrite, can I? My problem isn't something that Yukinoshita can help with. But then, maybe her problem isn't something I can help with. Success is never guaranteed. But that wasn't the point.
It wasn't so much the effectiveness of the help that mattered.
It was the act of helping, and the act of accepting help. Accepting someone, believing in them, depending on them.
I wouldn't depend on someone if they couldn't depend on me.
"I'll tell you what," I said to Yukinoshita. "You probably don't want to tell me what you problem is. And that's okay. But I'll be waiting. Someday, when you're ready, depend on me. You tell me what left you scarred… and I… I'll tell you what left me scarred."
I didn't have that piece of information yet.
The doctor had had me practice a variety of techniques that avoided reawakening those memories.
Something had happened, with him. Something that had been bad enough, that I'd been afraid to even remember his face.
And on my own, I wasn't brave enough to face that past again.
I looked at Yukinoshita.
But maybe… maybe if I'm not alone, I can face it again.
She was staring at me, eyes wide.
The Ice Queen persona had fallen apart, and I was happy to see it wasn't due to fear, or worry.
Just hope.
Don't get me wrong. Fear and worry were still there. It's not easy to trust someone. I know. I know all too well. But she was choosing to face them.
"Why?" she asked softly. "You don't even know me. Why would you choose to help me? Is it because it's fun?"
She was throwing my own stated reason back at me. Would it hurt her if I were only helping her for fun?
"Is it so wrong that I enjoy helping people?" I asked simply.
She stared at me like she couldn't believe what she was hearing.
Finally, her words came, soft.
"That's impossible. When things come to a head, people run. No one enjoys helping others."
I see. I see now.It was like a cold wind passing over me.
Yukinoshita and I were one and the same.
We had both been suffering.
And the one she had believed in to save her, had abandoned her.
And the thought of that infuriated me.
I can't stand the idea of betrayal. It fucking makes me sick.
It goes against everything he taught me.
And I realized.
This was the reason Yukinoshita was cold. The reason she was distant.
Once upon a time, she'd had hope too, until it had been cruelly stepped on.
Like me.
But I hadn't been abandoned.
When I had needed it the most, he had been there for me. I'd been saved. Inherited a legacy. Taught a lesson. About how to live.
"Hikigaya Hachiman abandons no one!" I said to her with conviction. "Throw it all at me. Your doubts, your fears, your insecurities, your anger. I'll carry it all. It's not even a warm-up weight for me. You haven't been shown how to live. You probably don't even know what it is you really want. This I promise: I'll show you that you can live life exactly how you want to! So come at me! Even if you don't ask for help, I'll meddle. I'll save you."
My shameless, blatantly self-aggrandizing speech, which made even my own stomach turn with how cheesy it was, paid off. Perhaps precisely because of how cheesy it was, it managed to break through the jaded armour of the Ice Queen.
"Why? Why would you go to such lengths?"
"I'm a lowlife, remember? I do what I want."
