1"Conner, I mean this guy looked a LOT like Payton. Yeah, the face was a little different, but it could have been his brother."
-"Payton's dead."
"Look, remember the thing Payton used to do with the quarter? Well this guy was doing it too."
-"So why didn't you go over to their table and talk to him?"
"What was I supposed to say? 'Hi! Remember me? We used to rob and pillage together?'"
- Viper
"Having second thoughts, Commander?"
-"Well those of us with a conscience tend to have them."
"Look, we've taken the Outfit's best wheelman and made him our driver. It's airtight."
-"Hm. Unless the Outfit finds out."
"*nervous stare*"
- also Viper
"This is an example of an owner taking it back to stock after a WRX STI has been mutilated."
- Regular Car Reviews
"This is borderline experimental."
- Red Letter Media
OOOHHHHHH-
Who has a cursed uterus doomed to feed Demon Lords?
PRIN-CESS TEE-ANA!
Empty, and hollow, and virile as rotting cardboard?
PRIN-CESS TEE-ANA!
"Mmngh…"
Her eyelids wiggled as she awoke to the sound of singing. The voices were garbled and muted, like an alarm clock with one speaker broken and the other stuffed in a pillow. She couldn't make out a word they were chanting or even why they were chanting it. If this was Heaven, maybe the angels were just at choir practice.
The young blonde woman stretched with another soft groan while she sat up. She'd been lying curled on a floor that looked like a giant digital board trying to replicate the look of ancient marble tiles. There were no sheets or blankets—the nearly weightless white gossamer dress draping from her body provided her all the warmth she needed. It was surprisingly revealing for something that still felt secure enough to wear. She imagined it was meant to draw the attention of everyone around her, or maybe draw the attention of one specific person. She just wasn't sure who.
She wasn't very sure about anything, now that she thought about it. She couldn't remember where she was, how she got here, or anything that had happened before she woke up. Even her own name eluded her memory. All she had was the distant notion that something awful had happened to her and she was in a safe place where she could recover.
She stood up on slender feet clad in open sandals. Her vision focused in and out as her head continued to spin. She pressed her palm to her temple and slowly massaged her dizzy mind.
Turning her eyes, she realized there were two others with her in the room. The first was a shorter grandmother goddess with a friendly smile on her wrinkled lips. The other, a buxom younger goddess with ruby hair, looked stoic and slight uneased. Neither one seemed to hear the strange singing in the background, or they just chose not to acknowledge it.
"Oh? So you're awake. I'm Ishtar, the matron here," the kindly elder goddess said. "Take your time to get your bearings. You've been through quite the ordeal, after all."
"Aria, pleased to meet you," the redhead goddess bowed toward her with what almost seemed like a tinge of remorse. She was pretty sure this was the first time she'd ever met Ishtar, but there was something vaguely familiar about Aria.
The nameless young woman's headache faded faster than she was expecting. It was then she realized her fingers weren't just massaging her temple, but transferring delicate energy that relieved her ache. She pulled her hand away and looked at her palm with surprise. Her fingertips were still glowing with a soft holy aura.
"White magic. I'm some kind of nurse?" she asked as she tried to remember the details that got her here. When she spoke, her voiced chimed like chapel bells with a soft castellan accent.
"Ah. You're our new Goddess of Healing, Ristarte!" Ishtar's face brightened as she made the announcement. "We're so delighted to serve along with you, child! We could always use help from someone with your good graces."
Child... The word pounded like a dull lingering pain at the bottom of Ristarte's stomach, but she had no idea why. She steered her thoughts toward the more tangible things she could reason out.
"This is support magic. I couldn't have been on an adventure by myself. What happened to the rest of the party?"
"Well, um… err… uh…" Aria nervously sputtered in response. Ishtar picked up the slack with a quiet smile and a nod.
"You see, they weren't reborn quite the same way you were. It's rather unfortunate that you all fell together, but you had… well, priority, as Heaven happened to see it. It's… going to take us some time before we track down your other friends."
Aria and Ishtar quietly turned to each other, speaking in hushed tones not even the keen ears of a goddess could detect.
"You did a splendid job with her hair. And she's certainly got the looks of a goddess," the younger deity said to the elder. "Did you really need to give her the exact same face and voice, though?"
"I had to work with what you brought me," Ishtar secretly murmured back.
Oblivious to the conversation they were having about her, Ristarte struggled to calm her senses. It was a constant tornado of unsettling feelings. One second her gut would be throbbing and her head felt like it was full of thin air. The next second her head would be burning and her stomach felt like an empty void.
"She doesn't look too well. Are you sure she'll be fine?" Aria asked her superior. Ishtar closed her eyes as she gave a regretful but assuring nod.
"Complete reincarnation. All the wiring in her oven is in healthy working order. She just doesn't have any buns baking inside."
"Still. The way she's acting worries me…" Aria nervously pondered.
"The poor thing is going through a lot of residual trauma," Ishtar explained in whispers. "We helped her mind forget, but the soul remembers. With how horrible it all happened… she's always going to sense something's missing that's supposed to be there. We'll have to be gentle on her and avoid saying anything that could stir up old emotions."
"What about when she meets him? It's got to happen eventually," Aria said.
"Oh, I am a little worried about that," Ishtar sighed. "The poor dear will probably be overwhelmed with impulses that make her as lusty as any succubus. It will be completely maddening for her. Even she won't be able to understand why her attachment toward him is so powerful. She's lost all of the patience and manners she always possessed as a mortal because of the way she died. She'll look for any opportunity to reintroduce her body to his. Her spirit is as kind and pure as they come, but it yearns so deeply to get back what it lost."
"Does that explain the showy uniform you gave her?"
"Yes, I wanted to help her be easy to notice. But she has to be eased back into the relationship before she learns the sad truth. It's not fair to either of them. How I wish I could simply flip over the hourglass for her and give her a second chance at the ending she worked so hard to earn. This compromise is the best I can do."
"I'll keep an eye on her," Aria whispered back, hanging her head in reserved sorrow. "It's my fault for not doing it last time."
Who swoons for lazy heroes and falls into ill-fated flings?
PRIN-CESS TEE-ANA!
Gives out nice heals but ends up stuck in bad deals?
PRIN-CESS TEE-ANA!
The old and young goddess turned their heads back to Ristarte and gave her smiles that told her there was nothing she should be concerned about. They raised their voices back to normal speaking tone.
"We're very grateful to have you here, Ristarte. If you need anything at all, just ask either of us," Aria said in a showing of utter respect. The elderly Ishtar added her own praises.
"Since you died—" Aria lightly elbowed her in the gut as she spoke "—bravely, selflessly, and with a heart full of love for your people, you've earned the honor of being reborn as a goddess."
"How did I die?" Ristarte asked with innocent curiosity.
"W-well…" Ishtar struggled to give an answer.
"Uh… wuh…" Aria stalled for a response at the same time. Ishtar finally put something together after they exchanged awkward looks.
"Ohh… um… errr… Well then, where did I put your file? I'll have to look that up."
"So… so how do you like the Divine Realm, Ristarte? I know it was overwhelming for me when I first started," Aria said in an attempt to change the topic.
"I feel so empty…" Ristarte let out a melancholic sigh. Her thoughts were anywhere but the interior decorating of her new homeworld.
"Why, that… that's just… are you trying to say you're hungry, my dear?" Ishtar hesitated as she asked.
"Yes, of course! That's it!" Aria quickly agreed with her elder. "You must be starving! I'll make something nice for you right in a jiffy!"
With a wave of her hand and a flash of pink sparks, she was suddenly holding a full-sized sterling silver platter. As Ristarte set her eyes on the wide covered lid, it occurred to her she was hungry. Very hungry. She may have even been hungry enough to eat a course meant for two.
The gold-haired goddess took cautious but curious steps toward Aria to see what she had magically cooked up. Ristarte's excitement started to grow as Aria wrapped her fingers around the handle of the lid. Steam spilled out from the silver dish as she uncovered Ristarte's meal.
It was a plate of slaughtered lamb swaddled in a blanket of Parmesan.
"Eeeyh!" Ristarte flinched ten feet away in terror. She clenched her eyes shut and squeezed her nose to block the platter out from her senses.
"No, no!" Ishtar shook her palms in a panic. "That won't do for her poor belly! Try something vegetarian!"
"Um… er… Of course!" Aria quickly shambled together an apology. "A… uh… a Healing Goddess would always prefer a more earthy diet! How could I forget that?"
She instantly summoned a second dish in her arm. This time it was a salad piled up with tomatoes, carrots, and cabbage leaves. Ristarte showed her approval by grabbing the fork resting on the dish and diving straight in to her heart and stomach's content.
"How's that, Ristarte?" Aria almost started giggling at how quickly the new goddess could eat. "Is everything in the recipe to your liking?"
"Mmnffmmchmcch… it'sf pretty goodf," Ristarte nodded in gratitude with her cheeks puffed like a chipmunk's. After swallowing a large bite, she pointed at the salad with the prongs of her fork.
"What are these little red spotted things? They're really fresh!"
"Why, that's toadstool, my dear. It's the closest thing to ambrosia to us god-folk," Ishtar said in what she thought was a perfectly harmless answer.
Ristarte's jaw abruptly locked up as her eyes bulged in horror. Her entire body froze as rigid as ice. She stood there motionless with her fork held up for at least a few seconds. Halfway through her bite, one cheek was still puffed while the other was flat. A bit of unchewed parsley slipped down the corner of her mouth in a small trickle of drool.
"Oh dear. I should have phrased that differently," Ishtar put her palm on her cheek as she muttered in regret, realizing exactly where she had made the mistake.
When Ristarte came out of her shock, she swallowed what was left in her mouth, carefully put her fork back down, and slowly pushed the plate back toward Aria. It was like she was retreating from her food while trying not to hurt the red-haired goddess's feelings.
"Ehh… I guess I'm not so hungry after all," she shook her head. Now she was the one trying to change the subject. "You said you needed my help. Do you have any work for me?"
"Of course, dear!" Ishtar happily answered. "That's what I like to see! A goddess ready to take on any challenge right out of the pearly gates! It's a good thing I brought all of the open assignments with me!"
In the same manner that Aria summoned away the salad platter, Ishtar called up a stack of neatly organized papers in the crook of her arm. She handed them over to Ristarte so the diligent healing goddess could skim over her choices.
Ristarte blinked as she silently read the profiles of at least a dozen different offworlds. As a being of the Divine Realm, she could descend anywhere she chose with only minimal supervision. The profiles showed the age, geometric stats, and magical properties of each world currently needing an intervention from Heaven. The last item on each profile was a letter grade that rated that world's level of danger.
Her hands shuffled through each single-page report like they were big playing cards. Her eyes darted back and forth as she read their names. Polynossus. Salvation Grade: B. Gaeabrande. Salvation Grade: A. Sinann. Salvation Grade: B. Fantasia. Salvation Grade: B. Exegol. Salvation Grade: F. Ixphoria. Salvation Grade: SS.
"Why is this one ranked so high?" Ristarte asked as she held out the data sheet for Ixphoria.
Aria instantly shot Ishtar a death glare, silently mouthing the words "You let her see THAT?"
"Oops.." Ishtar silently mouthed back. She handled her answer for Ristarte the best she could manage.
"Well, my dear, the last time we tried to go there…"
Aria turned her head to clear her throat as Ishtar was speaking.
"… the Demon Lord bound to that world was only just starting to come into power. We recruited a party that was going to destroy him before the problem got any worse. They made the best effort they could, but… a few minor mistakes were made… as it unfortunately happens from time to time."
Aria sounded like she was going to hack up a lung.
"The party was defeated just when they were about to finish their quest. The demons were able to accomplish a certain ritual at a critical moment that increased their strength exponentially. That's how the world fell into the rating it lies in now. Most worlds that wind up in that state are considered lost."
"What was the ritual?" Ristarte asked. She had a very unnerving feeling she wasn't going to like the answer.
Aria's eyes flew wide with terror. She and Ishtar frantically shot glances at each other, then toward Ristarte, then toward each other again.
"Well, we… wuh… we… don't exactly know, to tell you the truth. And actually, we'd prefer not to find out," Ishtar clumsily but gently replied to salvage the conversation. "Goddesses shouldn't worry themselves over things beyond their control. The demons can keep all the nasty little details to themselves."
Tries to clear out a dungeon but the boss clears out her tureen?
PRIN-CESS TEE-ANA!
A basket that only bears fruit until it's just ripe enough to eat?
PRIN-CESS TEE-ANA!
A pretty brown bird whose eggs are all tasty Faberges?
PRIN-CESS TEE-ANA!
High magic stats but lacked defense down below?
PRIN-CESS TEE-ANA!
Wanted to be a mother but had to settle for master chef?
PRIN-CESS TEE-ANA!
The incoherent chanting in Ristarte's ears was starting to get irritating. She knew from their tone they were either mocking her or telling her something she was supposed to know. She just had no idea what they were saying.
"Let's not rush into things, Ristarte," Aria advised in a friendly tone. "Why don't you start with one of these easier worlds until you get the hang of working with us?"
Ristarte continued to stare at the sheet for Ixphoria like it was gradually becoming her obsession. She squinted, tilted her head, and slowly held the paper closer to her face, trying to pull a deeper understanding from the little blurbs of text laid out in front of her. What was it about this one specific place that felt so important to her?
But then she shrugged. Sorting the paper back in the stack with the others, she let the whole subject drop from her mind. Somehow, she instinctively knew Ixphoria would come back up in the future, but not right now. Right now she was supposed to be adjusting to her new life and making new memories to replace the old ones.
"I guess you're right," she said in acceptance. "I need to start with baby steps."
Ishtar and Aria slipped glances at each other, sighed together as if the burden of the entire known universe had just been lifted from their shoulders, and secretly wiped the sweat from their foreheads.
Author's note: The title I went with is a reference to the Cold War post-nuclear holocaust TV mini-series from the 80s. It's NOT supposed to be a reference to Viper, Muv-Luv, that Roland Emmerich disaster movie, the South Park episode that mocks the Roland Emmerich movie, or any of that other stuff.
