1Storm's Building
Thunderstorms. Darkness. Lightning. As individual components, Makoto has no problem dealing with them but when all three strike on a night such as this, they dredge up fears from the past. As an adult she has learned how to control her fears but occasionally, when she's vulnerable such fears will slip past her defenses. Ren knows this best of all, being the one who has been by her side the most.
However, this time the cause for her fear is Ren…?
I sense pathos.
Ren propped himself up on the sofa. He lifted the blinds with two fingers and peeked out the window into the inky darkness. Storm approaching.
Just kidding. It's just a drop in air pressure.
"Ren, was there something out there?"
The blinds clinked as he drew his fingers away and he casually folded his hands behind his head. "Nah. It's nothing."
"Oh… Okay." Makoto slid her hand from the wall and shuffled her feet towards the study.
"Hey, I have an idea." Ren kicked his legs up and sprung from his seat like a sprightly cat. In two leaps and a twist he swung around the doorframe. "Let's go to bed early."
She folded her arms. "Who are you, Morgana?"
"C'mon. I'm tired. Aren't you?"
He sauntered over to her. She only looked at him and raised an eyebrow.
"We both know you're just going to lie in bed and read."
"Maybe."
Ren took her hands right as the first peal of thunder rolled overhead. Lightning struck causing the lights to flicker. And flicker. And flicker some more before the bulbs finally expended all their efforts to stay lit in one last hurrah and fizzled out.
Brilliant. Just brilliant. No bedside reading tonight.
"Well then."
Ren closed his eyes and activated his Third Eye. There would be no stumbling or stubbed toes - not on his watch!
Makoto looked around, waiting for her eyes to adjust to complete darkness. She slipped her hands out of his grasp and pressed her palms together. If Ren was confused by her sudden withdrawal, he did not say anything.
"It's been awhile since there was a power outage. Nothing to do now but to brush our teeth and get ready for bed. This works out actually since you have to get up early, right?"
She then promptly marched towards the bathroom.
"I say we just jump under the covers and forego the teeth brushing."
"I'll brush your teeth for you." she teased.
In the dark? "Tempting, but no."
...
Ren unclasped his wristwatch and set it on the bedside table next to his phone. It bore eight years worth of wear and tear but the cogs, the gears, and the dials still functioned like new - a testament of its quality craftsmanship selected under the keen eye of its gift-giver and careful maintenance by its recipient.
After setting his alarm one hour earlier, he settled under the covers. "'night."
"Mmm. Good night." came Makoto's small voice from his left. The dark made it feel as though she sounded further away than she was.
Thunder rumbled and rain pelted the roof. Makoto lay on her side, eyes shut, quieting her thoughts in an effort to relax and fall asleep. She was not tired at all or rather, her body was weary but her mind was alert and became increasingly sensitive to every little noise caused by the storm.
It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
Darkness seemed to increase in power as the storm worsened. Shadows filled the bedroom, tall and menacing, making her feel small, blind, and helpless.
It lies behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes it fills.
All her thoughts veered towards what she had lost on that terrible night. She was only a teenager then, but her father's passing slammed her against the wall of adulthood. She was expected to shoulder the responsibilities that came with a death in the family, to act like a proper adult. But she could not. She only acted like a scared, spoiled child. So her sister had to bear the brunt of the burden.
Enough.
She forced herself to think in more practical terms. To rationalize her fear.
I've already made peace with this. What I need right now is sleep if I am to carry out my duties as a police officer.
Sleep.
It comes out first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.
She opened her eyes, knowing that forcing herself to sleep would be an exercise in futility. Presently, she heard Ren give a long sigh and turn over. She rolled onto her back and reached over to join their hands. She ran her thumb along his dry knuckles and over the smooth gold band sitting on his ring finger.
"I know it's loud. Just try to get some rest."
He linked their fingers together.
"How can I sleep when my wife's so scared, she tries to lie motionless at the edge of the bed while she clenches the sheets, and thinks I won't notice?"
Urk. She turned her head away and unclenched the sheets. "Don't mind me. I'm fine. Just go to sleep..."
Lightning cut across the sky and he saw her suppress a flinch.
"Are you thinking about your dad?" he asked quietly. In the year they met, he had learned she was "a little afraid of the dark". She had told him thunder, lightning, and darkness weren't that scary on their own. But the night she received the news of her father's death, she remembered standing in the dimly lit doorway while the rain and wind whipped against the windows, heartbroken and wishing that it was all just a nightmare. And on stormy nights like this a flash flood of memories would surface, unbidden and unwelcome.
She was silent for a few minutes before she shuddered and whispered, "Always. But, it's fine."
She turned towards him, squeezing his hand as she did so. "I'm fine."
Her voice wavered, barely audible over the roaring thunder. But he heard it.
"Makoto." He leaned over her and took her face in both hands.
"It's okay." he said softly.
His lips glided over her forehead. Her eyes fluttered shut and she held still, taking in the warmth from his lips, his hands, his breath.
"It's okay."
He kissed each brow.
"It's okay."
He lightly kissed her eyelids.
"It's okay."
He slowly kissed her right cheek, bumping her nose with his when he moved across to kiss the other cheek.
"It's okay."
She reached up and ran two fingers along the side of his face, stopping over his mouth. "I know. You're here."
"Then talk to me." he murmured into her fingers.
He shifted his weight, causing the blanket to slide off his back, letting in a draft of cold air between them.
She shivered and wrapped her arms around his torso. Then, gripping the back of his nightshirt she pulled him down. He grunted as he face planted into her pillow. He had nearly forgotten how strong, how impulsive she could be when she was frightened. He rolled over to his side and pulled her closer to the middle of the bed, wrapping his arms around her securely. She buried her face into his chest.
"I'm-"
"-not. And you never have to be. Not for something like this. I don't get to do this much anymore; tough cop that you are."
She lightly needled his chest with her index finger.
"You're just too observant for your own good."
"It's one of my many flaws. Forgive me." She sensed he was grinning like a Cheshire cat.
His fingers ran through her hair in small gentle strokes and he spoke in a low voice, soothing her nerves. "But really, if something's bothering you, you don't have to hide it. I'm here for you."
She fell silent again. Ren waited, figuring she was collecting her thoughts but what she said next threw him for a loop. "You always tell me that and I'm grateful. But you don't give yourself that same care and attention."
"What are-"
"Lately, you've been...preoccupied with something. You look tired and stressed out when you come home from work. But when I ask you, you just smile like you always do and tell me not to worry about it. But...that just makes me worry more."
He clicked his tongue. "That's different… I don't want to drag back…'work' home with me. It's stressful enough and I don't want to bog you down with it. Plus I'll probably end up yelling and upset the both of us."
"So yell. This wouldn't be the first time we've had a shouting match."
"Makoto…"
"I know." She gripped his nightshirt. "I know, Ren. And I know I'm not exactly the best person to confide in and I probably can't fix the situation, but even so I want to help in any way I can. If you don't want to talk about it now that's fine. I understand. Just please...don't keep pretending things are fine for my sake."
He exhaled slowly and shut his eyes. "Fine. But if I get too worked up over this, I'm stopping."
"Okay."
Amid the sound of the pounding rain he began to speak softly.
"We haven't been making any progress and it feels like we're just going in circles, talking about the same things over and over. Sure, they tell me I make good points and I address the issues in a succinct and presentable manner. But what does that matter? They dismiss me because I'm still young and inexperienced. 'I still have a ways to go,' they tell me. 'Now go run your little campaign if you want a seat at the table.' Yet all the senior politicians, the guys who've been in the race for years only seem interested in promoting their own agenda not the people's. At least until they retire or if they don't get reelected. And then they - are you sure you wanna hear this? I'm just venting. About. Stupid stuff."
He felt her grip his shirt again and she bumped her head against his chest. "Tell me. I want to know. I want to know what you're going through."
"Okay, um... We talk about fund deficits. And taxes. Everyday there's talk about taxes!" He rolled his eyes. "What are we doing, really? We sit around all day in an air conditioned room, lobbying these lofty ideas on how to 'fairly and effectively' redistribute taxes like we're playing the board game of LIFE? On top of that we're paid for meeting and discussing the 'issues' ad nauseum without taking any action. No wonder people think politicians don't contribute anything whatsoever to society's productiveness!"
Ren knew he was getting testy so he paused and tempered his breathing. Makoto took his hand in both of hers and massaged his palm and along the faint scars on his wrist.
"It's true that politicians get a bad rep for gaining power through bribes and underhanded deals, and issuing laws that benefit only themselves. If they get caught, they're publicly shamed by the media and once they've served a short sentence, or paid a small fee they go back to doing the same thing, which amounts to nothing more than a slap on the wrist. It's like how there are many crooked police officers who enforce their power on civilians instead of protecting them. But there are good politicians out there, just like there are officers who are honorable and uphold the law. Those people, want to make a real difference in the world. You're being trained by such a person and you're also one of them."
He smiled at that before sighing dejectedly. "Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough with what I have. Or is everything I do futile in the long run? We changed the hearts of the public eight years ago, but nothing seems to have changed. Everyone wants change but no one actually wants to put the effort in. We get stuck in our complacency and we're too eager to point fingers at each other. It just feels like we're adding to all the political corruption. More and more, our government seems to be constructed of laws and regulations 'by the people' and not so much 'for the people.'"
He shook his head. "How can I stay true to my own convictions when everyone around me seems to have fallen away? Some of them also started out wanting to help people but eventually gave into personal gain and selfish ambition when they grew in power. Will I end up like them in time? I hate myself for thinking that way. For letting the frustration get to me."
Makoto heard him take a stilted breath.
"I almost want to give up…" he confessed. And he sounded ashamed of himself.
"Oh, Ren." She held his forearms close to her chest and pressed herself against him. His face sank into her hair.
"I know what you mean. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have those same thoughts whenever I felt discouraged." she responded, squeezing his hands empathetically. "The police are supposed to be fighting against the corruption in society but instead, it continues to be a part of that corruption. People do nothing but argue amongst themselves both in the workplace and with civilians. There's unrest everywhere and everyday I'm either mediating between my coworkers or angry, unreasonable people who want to make a case for something. It's not like I didn't know how things were when I entered the police force but just seeing it daily takes its toll on the mind and body."
"You're really enduring a lot." he murmured heedfully. It's not that I didn't know. Makoto's tough after all. I know she's able to handle it that's why I thought… What? That'd she'd be okay just because she wasn't complaining about it?
"Comes with the territory. But compared to some of the other women in law enforcement, my troubles aren't as bad. Actually, about a month ago..." She hesitated. Ren intertwined their fingers.
"Go on."
"About a month ago, one of the chief superintendents was caught promoting some of the rookie female officers to a comfy desk job...if they came to his house. At night. And if they refused... Well, let's just say he knew how to manipulate the system to get what he wanted."
"What? You never told me about this!" he said sharply. She knew his anger was directed towards the sickening familiarity of the situation. She also knew he was thinking of how close she was to the situation and tried to mollify him.
"Don't worry. It's over now! He got careless and was caught red-handed and several of his victims came forward and testified. He's been fired and will serve time accordingly."
His voice became cold and deadly. "Did he ever approach you?"
"No! No. That was a different division entirely. I only knew after the news spread to our division and his indictment was announced."
Now he was fuming silently. Makoto knew full well the extent of her husband's wrath. Anyone foolish enough to test him would be signing their own death warrant.
"Ren? Ren. I'm telling the truth. I never met him."
"If anyone ever tried to-" he seethed.
She gripped both of his hands. "That won't happen. I'd do everything within my power to not let myself or my teammates fall into that situation."
Ren flopped over on his back, the back of his hand draped over his eyes like a blindfold. What else had he missed? Had Makoto wanted to talk about this when it happened? It had to have bothered her but instead - she… didn't want to burden me.
He let out a frustrated groan. Makoto continued to massage one of his hands.
"I'm sorry." he whispered. "For being so distant. You must've wanted to talk about it, right?"
She nestled her head on his shoulder. "Mmm. But not tonight."
"Alright."
They held each other in silence for a while. Ren mulled over her words and over what this unexpected conversation had forced him to confront.
All the while, rain pounded ceaselessly down the walls of their house.
"You're not unreliable. I just didn't-"
"Want to worry me. I know. But when I see you struggling on your own I can't help but feel I'm failing you as your wife and then I start thinking how inadequate and useless I am. And I hate how I get stuck in that mindset even when I know that's not what you-!"
That's when her voice broke.
"I'm sorry," he whispered again. His hands gently guided her head to rest in the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry I made you feel this way."
She sniffed and shook her head. He felt her core strain and tremble against him in an attempt to repress her tears. One choked sob escaped and died down to a whimper when she bit down on her finger. His collar grew damp while he continued to hold her. Each whimper she strangled, each sob she smothered, chipped away at his heart.
When she tried to speak, her breathing spasmed and her throat closed in on itself, resulting in more strangulated crying. She clenched her teeth, fighting to regain control of her emotions.
"I keep messing up. Sorry, I-"
She placed two fingers on his lips. "Don't apologize. How about we try this instead? Let me share your burden from now on."
"From now on." he repeated.
"Yes. Ren, you're always considerate of me and you always go out of your way to never trouble me with your worries. But our lives are intertwined now. We can't box off our problems like this. If I get dragged down with you, that's fine by me. I'm not letting go. So-"
That distinct ferocity in her voice had returned. It promised loyalty. It promised faithfulness. Even after he had closed himself off.
"You're right. I was being a noble idiot thinking I'd spare you from pain. I thought I would crush these feelings of frustration, have them play out for a week and get back to my life. Instead I dragged it out and - wow, I really didn't mean to let it go on for this long. But..." He released a strained sigh. "This isn't going to be easy for me."
He rested his forehead on hers. "I realize this is selfish of me to ask but please be patient with me."
She laughed softly. "What are you saying after all this time? Isn't that our usual way of doing things?"
Relief filled him and he wiped away her tear-stained cheeks with his sleeve.
"Want to hear something funny? Sometimes I feel like quitting my job and starting up my own cafe tucked away in a small corner of Tokyo."
"Like Sojiro-san? Well, you're already halfway there. You smell like coffee no matter how many times you shower and you make curry regularly. All you need to do now is grow a goatee."
Ren fell silent.
"Hey," she laughed, stroking his chin. "Don't make faces."
"Was not."
She laughed again. "But you know, that doesn't sound like a bad retirement plan."
"Join me." He clasped both her hands, as if proposing the business deal of the century. Lying sideways, in bed.
"Hmm, I'll think about it."
He gave a low chuckle and brushed a hand through her hair. "If there's one thing I can say for certain about you, it's that you'll be dedicated to your job for life."
"Yes, as long as I am able. I want to surpass my father and one day, pass the baton to someone I trust. But who knows what the future will bring?"
Just then, seven claps of thunder clashed in quick succession and it sounded as if the sky had split in half. Makoto flinched involuntarily and Ren's arms immediately came around her protectively.
"It's okay, you're alright." he whispered into her ear.
"I wish I could be a cat right now." she groaned.
"Um, why?" He swallowed his laughter. This current stage of recovering from her fright had robbed his wife of her reasoning skills and at times made her prone to making nonsensical statements. The best thing to do was to play along.
"Look at Morgana. He's fine in the dark because he's a cat."
"You don't have to become a cat. I'm here."
"But...but I can't keep depending on you every time I get scared like this. I mean, what if you're away on a business trip?"
"I guess there's no choice..." he said in mock resignation. "You'll just have to come with me as my personal bodyguard."
He began tracing light circles on her shoulder blades.
"I'll reserve the penthouse suite. And it'd be just the two of us." he said in a low whisper.
She felt her ears redden. "Please don't abuse your privileges, Representative."
"Wouldn't dream of it, Officer. I have a good wife who keeps me accountable and I'd never do anything that would make her turn her back on me."
"How honorable," she whispered. "I'm sure she feels the same."
"Realistically speaking, we have our own security force that accompanies us whenever we go out in public. No exceptions."
"No exceptions... Are you in danger?"
"Don't wor- No. No, it's just a precautionary measure. We're fortunate to be living in time of peace. Not entirely ideal, but at least people aren't rioting in the streets or burning down the Diet Building. If I really wanted it, I could hire you. But I'd still use our security team instead of you."
"Understandable, since that's their duty. And I'm only one person compared to an entire team. Additionally, I'm sure there'd be a ton of paperwork not to mention all the hoops you'd have to jump through for a hired bodyguard. But I'm worth it, aren't I?"
The last part was meant to be a joke but Ren had suddenly fallen into a stern and humorless mood.
He shut his mouth and Makoto thought she heard him grind his teeth.
"I'm capable. I'd protect you."
"Precisely. You would. You have."
For him, it was one time too many in the Metaverse and that wasn't even counting the numerous health-draining battles where he considered it too close for comfort. Every single time, it devastated him when he braced for a fatal attack, only to see Queen's body go limp as she took the hit meant for him. He could only breathe again when Mona used Samarecarm, when her breathing and heart rate stabilized, and when she finally regained consciousness.
He inhaled sharply. "You're noble, Makoto. You have a strong sense of justice and I know you'd put your life on the line to protect people. And I wouldn't trade that side of you for anything."
His arms tightened around her back, pushing her face into his collarbone.
"But out here, I can't revive you." His voice was barely above a whisper yet to her it rang louder than the peal of thunder that rattled and shook the windows.
Oh, Ren. She wondered if her father and mother had these kinds of conversations. She wondered what her father would say to assure her mother.
She reached up and stroked his hair.
"Do you remember what we promised each other the day we vowed to walk the same path together, no matter what?"
He remembered everything: the words they exchanged, the many mutual promises spoken, the resolve they both shared. He kept all of it close to his heart for the memory of that day continued to give him strength. He buried his nose into her hair and sniffed. She took that as a sign of acknowledgement and smiled.
"I won't let you be alone."
He exhaled slowly, letting her words and the promise behind them wash over him before suddenly asking, "Will you be all right?"
His question caught her off guard but then she laughed reassuringly. "You worry about me too much."
Ren chuckled a low, warm chuckle. "Yet another one of my many flaws."
Makoto laughed with him and hugged him, enjoying the rumbling sound of his laughter reverberating from his chest cavity. That day will come. But for now let's dwell on this moment.
He sighed contentedly, running his fingers along her bare back. "Hmm, I don't feel like going in tomorrow."
"You can't. It's an important meeting, right?"
"They're all 'important'."
"Ren…" It was dark but she knew he was playfully rolling his eyes and smirking.
"Yes, my Queen…"
She giggled quietly into his shirt. She liked how even after all these years, they still called each other by their codename. In fact, all the (former) Phantom Thieves had each other registered by their codenames in the contact list of their personal phones.
"What do you want for dinner?"
He yawned. "If we're short on time, curry's good. Otherwise, anything you make is perfect."
"Like udon?"
He laughed. "Yeah. Perfect."
"How about this? If you get home first, you can make curry for us. If I get home first, I'll make udon."
"And if we get home at the same time?"
"Then you relax and I'll make dinner." she hummed.
"You just want udon, don't you?"
"Maybe."
She relaxed into him. "Hey, can we talk some more tomorrow evening? I feel like it's been so long since we last talked like this."
"Yeah, I'd like that." he replied thoughtfully. "We've been so busy. I've missed this."
"Mmm." She was dozing off. He smiled and threaded his fingers through her hair. She softly kissed his chest and wrapped her legs around his.
Ren drew the covers around them and tucked them around Makoto's shoulders.
Makoto stayed in his arms and fell asleep to the comforting feeling of his fingers stroking her hair and the rhythm of his steady breathing. Ren lay still and continued to stroke her hair, thinking and listening. All around him were the sounds of rain streaming down the windows and his wife breathing deeply. Lightning struck again and the howling wind beat against the trees, casting wild shadows of tree branches around the bedroom walls.
But Makoto did not wake. Ren gazed at her sleeping face, ruminating over their conversation.
When did we allow this distance to grow between us? We've been so caught up in our daily schedules, we've hardly made time for each other. Why did I think I could stop confiding in her just because I was feeling weak? Because I was ashamed to be seen by her as weak? You're my partner, my closest companion, my wife. The one I trust the most. You were being considerate of me. And I was the one who pushed you away. Even though I didn't mean to. Even though all I wanted was for you to not worry or be weighed down with my problems, but that in turn made you feel insecure and anxious. For me. For someone like me.
Makoto, I…
He kissed the top of her head. "I love you."
She stirred and snuggled closer to him.
Then he too settled under the covers. The last thing he was aware of before sleep took him was Makoto's form pressed against his, completely relaxed.
