1A/N: Hi there! So I recently joined the Pandora Hearts fandom and I decided to write fanfictions as always. This is my first attempt. I know that there are many many talented writers in this fandom, so I kinda delayed the publication of this fic because I was hoping to improve it after reading through it a few more dozen times (which didn't work out btw), so this sucks, forgive me. This is set in episode 17, or chapter 23, if you can't tell.
Italics: thoughts
It hurt so much. She felt like she couldn't breathe. The poison sapped Sharon of all her strength and she wanted someone to come save her already.
And she chided herself for thinking like that, for it was her own fault that she couldn't protect herself. If she lost her life right then and there, she only had herself and her weakness to blame.
"Behave yourself and wait here, the Hatter's princess," Vincent Nightray whispered into her ear as he toyed with strands of her hair, chuckling, "I shall fetch your precious knight for you right away."
Leave Xerx-niisan alone! She would've shouted if she had the strength to even move her lips.
She hated this. She hated being powerless, she hated not being in control, she hated always having to be protected by someone.
Always...
15 years ago
It had been about three to four months since the mysterious knight known as Kevin Regnard was found lying in a canvas of red by the young lady of the Rainsworth household.
Hiding in the ice-cold prison he created to cage himself, he continued to shy away from everyone.
And yet, when a random Chain with an Illegal Contractor attacked the Rainsworth mansion and threatened the safety of young Sharon, Kevin was the one who grabbed his sword and stood before the frightened child.
He was the one who fought for her safety without hesitation, who called upon the Mad Hatter despite knowing the consequences.
He collapsed afterwards, immense pain coursing through his veins as it was the first time he used powers of such magnitude.
Even so, he was the one who held the young mistress close as she wailed in fear, who made sure that she was in her mother's arms before he retreated to his quarters and coughed up a great deal of blood.
Other servants were left agape after hearing of the incident, shocked that the one man who isolated himself from the rest of the world was the one who saved their young mistress.
Kevin paid them no mind. He was simply trying to protect the one who attempted to melt his prison with a smile warmer than the blessing of spring and prettier than the flowers she brought him every time.
That night, he ignored his exhaustion and went to check in on Sharon.
"Your hair...!" Sharon exclaimed. Only then did he realised that half of his long silver ponytail was gone. It must've been because of the battle earlier. He was relieved his hair was severed instead of his neck.
She apologised in between sobs, she said she loved his long hair and that it was beautiful and that she was sorry about it.
Kevin took out his sword and cut the other half of his long hair with no hesitation. Then he rested his hand on her head, "My lady, how could you compare your safety to something of such little importance?"
He knelt down and enfolded her tiny hands in his, "I've spoken to Mistress Shelly earlier, my lady. From this day onward, I shall be your valet and your knight, lest these kinds of situations occur again. I shall become your shield and make sure that no harm ever comes to you."
"Knight...?" she ceased her sobbing, "Does that mean... I'm your princess... like in all those fairytales?"
"...I suppose that makes sense," he chuckled heartily, "At your service, Princess Sharon." Planting a soft kiss on her knuckles just because he knew she loved that scene from her storybooks.
Sharon dried her tears and grinned, "Thank you! Kevin-niisan!"
A pained expression flashed across his face for a slight moment, "One more thing, my lady."
"Hm?"
"I've decided to change my name. From now on, my name will be Xerxes Break."
"But why?"
He smiled sadly, "I once did something very terrible, you see, for a goal that I never achieved, for someone that I could not protect," Sharon noticed that his grip on her hand tightened as he continued, "I shall not make the same mistake again, my lady. I shall abandon the name 'Kevin' and start anew."
Because Kevin Regnard was a failure.
And I cannot afford to fail anymore.
For the hundredth time, Break reminded himself of his promise to the deceased Shelly Rainsworth, as well as the promise to himself, while following that Nightray Sewer Rat down the corridor impatiently.
He felt his heart stopped for a second as he gazed upon her feeble form, leaning into his chest, suffering even though this incident should not have involved her at all.
And he also felt like cleaving the Nightray Rat into two halves if he dared let go of the antidote.
"Destroy that bell, right now, before my eyes."
Clenching his teeth in frustration, Break was prepared to destroy the one thing he tried to obtain by facing the Cheshire Cat in his domain.
Through her half-opened eyes, Sharon saw. And somehow she managed to mustered up the strength to stop him.
I mustn't let him...!
He mustn't lay waste to his reason for living on for my sake...!
He simply whispered that it was okay, along with a kiss to the side of her head, he allowed the bell to crumble to dust with his Mad Hatter's power.
Everything was a blur to her after that. She was barely able to make out Break facing Vincent on the balcony, and then she collapsed with a thud.
"Sharon!" Break hurried to her side, dropping the 'my lady' out of worry. She was burning, even more so than just a second ago.
"I'm tired of this," Vincent mumbled, then pointed at the door, "Your business here is done, Hatter-san, get out of my sight."
Break had his lady transferred to a vacant room in Pandora's headquarters, they had a number of those.
"My lady," he called to her after he laid her down on the bed.
"Xe... x.. nii... s..sa..."
"Shh, just rest easy now, my lady. You're in no condition to talk," he slowly poured the antidote into her mouth.
Seeing her breaths gradually become steady, he heaved a sigh of relief and rose to his feet.
"W..ait..." she coughed out, "Don't le..ave..."
He stroked her head tenderly, "I wasn't planning to. How could I dare leave you unattended after what just came to pass?"
"Br..eak... I'm s-so sor..ry... beca..use o-of me..." she trailed off as she fell into a tranquil, well-deserved slumber.
"Oh dear," he sighed in a hushed voice, "not only have I failed to protect you in the first place, you blamed yourself for my mistake, what a good-for-nothing knight I happen to be."
Once again, his mind drifted off to the promise he made to Sharon's mother.
15 years ago
Right after the aforementioned Chain attack
"Kevin?" Shelly was surprised to find him standing in front of her quarters as she returned after settling Sharon down, "What are you doing here? You should be resting right now!"
They entered her quarters. She sat down, and Kevin knelt before her, "Shelly-sama, I believe I have finally found a way to repay you, for saving my life."
Shelly giggled softly, "My, my, I recall a certain somebody mumbling about why bother saving a worthless life like his and why we had not left him there to rot just a little more than a month ago, whatever made him change so drastically? Whatever made him grateful for living?"
"It is you, Mistress, that changed me. You and my lady both. It was you who made the monochrome world I saw with my remaining eye brim with colours once again," he looked up and smiled, "I can never thank you enough for that."
"Oh, Kevin, I was only teasing," she giggled again, "So? What have you come to propose?"
"I wish to devote myself to the Rainsworth household and defend you and Sharon-sama with my life. I mentioned before that I need a reason to live on, thus I sought the truth behind the Tragedy of Sabrie, but I would be ever so grateful if I could be allowed to protect you both as my purpose to live on as well. Therefore," he bowed his head, "I humbly beseech permission for me to become a knight affiliated to the Rainsworth household."
He clenched his fists. This time I shan't make a mistake, this time I will protect them both properly, this time for sure...!
"If that is what you wish for, if it'll give you a purpose, I will allow it," Shelly agreed at once, "However, I want to you to be Sharon's personal guardian rather than a knight affiliated to the dukedom."
"But..."
"Listen to me, Kevin, Sharon needs you much more than I do. I myself am too frail to bond with a Chain, and Sharon's father... is no longer with us. You and I both know that Sharon has taken a liking to you ever since she found you, she trusts you and loves you like a brother. I want you to protect her with your life in my stead. Can you do that?"
"I... Of course, Shelly-sama," Kevin nodded determinedly.
A loud slap on his face, followed by a pillow thrown his way, water in a vase dumped on his head, and a barrage of smacks from her harisen. That hurt, a lot.
But at least she recovered enough to actually manage to hurt him with a mere harisen, that much was reassuring.
She was fuming, in complete contrast to her feeble self the previous night, yelling at her loyal servant for being reckless, for being a fool, for trying to act cool and altruistic.
Most of all, she was venting out the disappointment she felt towards herself. She was disappointed that she couldn't take care of herself, and because of that, her Xerx-niisan had to sacrifice something as precious as his purpose in life.
But he wasn't blaming her, not at all, blabbering nonsense like how her deceased mother would have him executed if anything happened to her.
You idiot... what's the point in lying if I know you're lying?
Why can't you just berate me for being so useless?! Why can't you tell me off for being a disgrace as a heiress to the Rainsworth Dukedom and a failure as a member of Pandora?!
You're still trying to make me feel better... and it's making me... feel even worse...!
She cried, and let herself fall onto his chest.
He calmly let her tears soak his already drenched uniform.
Sharon took after her mother a lot, not just limited to their appearances. Sharon was as kind and caring as her mother, adored by all.
Her tears right now stemmed from her kindness, her desire to be of help to someone she held dear.
She continued, pounding his chest with her small fists from time to time, "It's not right...! I'm a contractor too...! I... I should be able... to protect myself too...! I should be... able to... be of help to you...!"
"I'm ever so... powerless..." she buried her face in his cravat, "while you fought... with courage... against all those... in your w-way...! Unfazed...! Unafraid...!"
"That is far from the truth, my lady," he laced his hand on her silky hazel hair, "I was unfathomably afraid last night."
Her cheeks pinked as she felt his arms around her petite figure, his shuddering breath brushing against the top of her ear as he spoke, "I... I thought I'd lose you..."
"'What if I hadn't returned from Cheshire Cat's lair in time? What if I hadn't realised the culprit was Vincent Nightray in time? What if Echo-kun hadn't caught the antidote in time?' Questions like these flooded my mind more times than I can possibly count," he tightened the embrace, "Had anything happened to you, I would have blamed myself ceaselessly for failing my Mistress yet again. No, seeing you suffer like that was already... far too much to bear..."
Oh. He's thinking of his past again. She peered at her hand which was lying on the left side of his chest, about where the incuse was.
"Would you have... signed an Illegal Contract to bring me back?" she uttered without meaning to.
She immediately pulled away from the embrace and apologised, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked such a thing!"
He paused for a moment, then chuckled, "Oh dear, quite the spot you have put me on, Lady Sharon." He then averted his eyes, "But I wouldn't."
She was revolted with herself for half-wanting him to say 'yes'.
She was about to apologise once more, but he silenced her with a finger on her lips, "And I will never allow a situation that requires me to make that choice arise for as long as I live. I am your Xerx-niisan, am I not? Then I will see to it that you won't have to go through that ever again."
She leaned into his chest again, "I was scared too, you know? Seeking the truth of the Tragedy of Sabrier is your reason to live on, I was scared that if you lose it, you'd revert to the state you were in 15 years ago. I... don't want to see you wallow in despair like that anymore, I want you to be happy and ridiculous like how you usually act."
"Don't be silly, Sharon," he ran his hand through her hair, "Protecting you is enough reason for me to be alive. So—"
"No," she interrupted, "I must become stronger, and self-reliant, I mustn't worry you like this again."
He pecked her forehead gently, "No, Sharon... Please just stay as you are for now, don't become stronger, I... I need an excuse to remain by your side, I need to know that you still need me."
She cursed her racing heart inwardly while stuttering her response, "W-what are you s-saying...? You d-don't need an excuse t-to be by my side...!"
He ignored her response, "I do not have much time left in this world. So please, allow me to indulge in a fantasy where someone needs me, where someone trusts me, where someone believes that I could shield them, at least until this life runs out..."
She fell silent for a moment. Then she gazed into his remaining eye for assurance, and waited for him to laugh it off as a joke, or for him to show signs of "I'm just lying to make you feel better" again.
He didn't.
"But... but I do need you, Xerx-niisan...!" Sharon cried out, her hand grasped tightly onto his shirt, "I don't want you to go away! I don't allow it!"
He smiled sadly again. She hated that, she hated how he always overused that rueful smile to get away from arguments, and she was not going to give way this time.
"I won't allow it, Break!" she raised her voice, startling him with the sudden change in tone and address, "You said that your reason to live is to protect me, no? Then how could you even think of dying before I do!? You made a promise to my mother before, did you not? Well, I am your Mistress now, so promise me!"
"...She...aron..." he muttered inaudibly. But he collected himself at once, "My lady, I must not make a promise I cannot keep. You still have a long, wonderful life ahead of you, while I cannot say the same for myself."
"Why...? Why do you sound so nonchalant? You have reasons to be alive! Why are you simply accepting the fact that you will soon depart as if it were some everyday routine!? I want to be of use to you, Xerx-niisan! I don't want to be doing nothing while you are slipping away!"
"It isn't your fault, neither of us can do anything."
"Still...!"
"That is enough for today," Break's tone was gentle, but it made the hearer obliged to comply, "It's not like I am going to pass away right now or anything. Let us simply give thanks for being in one piece, safe and sound, alright?"
"...Alright," she saw no point in continuing to quarrel anyways, but she swore that she would resume this argument at a later date.
Break helped her stand up, "I shall go fetch you some breakfast, my lady. Do stay and rest for a little mo—"
"I haven't finished," she cut in.
"I apologise. Please go ahead."
"Xerx-niisan," she threw herself at him for a quick hug, "Thank you, for saving me. Even if you did it for your own sake, you still saved me nonetheless."
He smiled and stroked her head, "No problem."
The End
