345Chapter 16: The Silent Voice, Cried. (Part I)
"You are going shopping?"
"Yes. It's um -"
Shouko Nishimiya fumbled with her fingers and messed up the words she meant to convey to him through sign language . It had taken him a week at most to get the basics down and that had surprised her. But then, he had a knack for surprising others. And this was the pleasant sort of surprise which had touched her heart. She tried not to show how much it meant to her, that he had taken the initiative to learn her language.
"I'm sorry did I say something bad?" Hachiman signed back. That was one of the first few sentences he had learned apart from the basic words, like yes, no, and a few others. Shouko got the feeling that he was a man who chose his words carefully and with his limited vocabulary because of learning a new language, he was oddly self conscious about anything that was conveyed using his finger tips.
"No, you are doing great." Shouko signed and without intending, her fingers reached out and curled around his longer fingers which were fidgeting and fumbling because of some sort of nervous tension. "Even, when I started, I didn't make such progress in such a short amount of time."
"Well, you must have had a bad teacher." Shouko got the distinct feeling that he wanted to say something worse than bad teacher. But for now, whether it be his unwillingness to curse in front of her, or maybe his lack of vocabulary, he settled for the childish 'bad'.
"My elementary school teacher was bad." Shouko remembered.
"I'm sorry." Hachiman pressed her hands. "I didn't get that?"
Shouko smiled. Elementary, wasn't a word used in the day to day language, so he must have not read about the signs for that. She tried, using her hands and used a number of other gestures to denote the fact through other means.
It didn't take much.
Shouko pointed at herself, a hand over her head to denote her height and then lowered it drastically to somewhere around her lower chest level. Then, she held up her fingers on both hands to tell him, her age at the time. She had to peek at him from behind her fingers and found him blushing while looking away.
Hachiman tried to be a gentleman about it. He got what she was telling her. She was young at the time. Ten years old. No twelve, she had pulled two more finger up later in a victory sign. He had almost thought, she was gonna tease him and make fun of him, then scold him. The two fingers up in a victory sign to show ten and two to denote her age, made him look at her breasts.
She could be mocking him, saying this was a kind of accomplishment or victory, that he made the rotten eyed loner, succumb to her chest powers. But that was not like her. It was something Isshiki might do. Or, Sayaka-san from this boarding house, would definitely do.
It was not her fault, and neither was it his. But when she lowered her hand, and pointed it almost below her chest to denote her height at the time, he caught a small bounce when the back of her hand had accidentally brushed over the lower side of her breasts.
It was a hot day with the sun being cruel and on top of them and the only comfort they had was to bask in the shade of the covered courtyard of the boarding house while they watched the laundry dry in the garden.
Komachi wouldn't have worn a bra while staying at home in such a weather. It would be too uncomfortable and while she was inside and away from the eyes of the perverts in the outside world, there was no need to always be prim and proper.
Shouko could relax like him and watch the time pass, with the clothes drying and the clouds floating and it was really him making too much of a big deal about it.
But, he was a hypocrite and he was rotten. So, he would try to come at it from another more devious angle, some other time. He could probably slip it up in passing that some of the male members of the boarding house were looking at her, when they thought she hadn't been looking at them. Of course, he wouldn't spread these lies to her. There was always the women of the boarding house, who looked for an excuse to beat the men up for their antics.
Ritsu Kawai was the safest bet, since he tried not to think of the other two women living with them. Yeah, no that would be overkill.
The questions about her past, the lousy teacher was forgotten and he instead focussed on what he had asked first and she had come to him and sat by his side, close, but not to close.
"So, you are going shopping?" Hachiman asked. "Want me to come along?"
Shouko Nishimiya blushed and instead of using her fingers to communicate, she instead shook her head. Her hair swayed back and forth and he almost found himself lost from the current train of thought. He regained some of his senses, when her eyes found him. Then he had to look at her fingers to make sense of what she was trying to communicate.
Names, he thought, were difficult to translate in sign language. But he found the gist of it more or less. "Ritsu-san, Mayumi-san and Sayaka-san are taking me."
Hachiman thought of the women that were mentioned. Mayumi Nishikino, the thirty one year old office lady who had an even worse luck with relationships and keeping a boyfriend that didn't cheat and run out on her than Shizuka Hiratsuka.
Hachiman felt a poke to his side and looked to find the most adorable pair of, big brown eyes staring at him as if they were trying to read his inner thoughts. Shouko had leaned into him and he had forgot to move, lost in her eyes. He focused on her face and almost missed what she said with her silent voice. "Were you thinking about, Ritsu-san?"
Hachiman blinked and shook his head. "No?"
Shouko must have read his lips "Then, Sayaka-san?"
The problem with sign language was that when they used it to talk about other people, it was more of a hit or miss. For example, he was pretty sure, he would be addressed and referred to in sign language by his defining characteristics. Rotten dead fish eyes and an ahoge sticking out of his forehead. Though, he had seen, Shouko call him or ask about using the numeral eight, which was far more suitable.
But, to refer to Sayaka-san in ways he would understand, Shouko had to get inventive. Once more, she brought her hands down to her breast level to denote the diminutive height of the twenty-one year old, college student. Then, to show her more eccentric tendencies, Shouko blushed and made a grabbing motion at her chest level.
He looked away. "Ah, no. I wasn't thinking about, Sayaka-san, either." Damn that woman, making this sweet innocent girl, make gestures like that to communicate. Even the simple act of mentioning her name in a conversation was too much. "In fact, she scares me."
Sayaka Watanabe reminded him too much of Isshiki Iroha. At first he thought she was a cute college student. But then the sly, clever woman with her fickle way of handling men who often came back to trouble her had made him wish for his foxy kohai to never become like her. Even worse, her tendencies to grope and fondle Mayumi Nishikino's breasts and bluntly criticise her choice in men did no favours to him.
Hachiman tried to avoid her the most. In fact, he tried to avoid all the people in the boarding house except for the woman currently sitting by his side. But since, he became the joint manager of the boarding complex, because, Ritsu Kawai couldn't be bothered to mange things if that meant leaving her books alone for a second, he didn't quite have much a choice in the matter.
He had to deal with them. But that didn't mean he couldn't show favouritism and be bad at his work. He was not perfect.
"Then, Mayumi-san?" Shouko this time pointed her hand at a safe place, at a point above the top of her head to show the older woman's height. Then she denoted the spectacles that the office lady wore by encircling her fingers over both her eyes.
He almost gave a small laugh at her antics. Shouko blushed and pouted, then looked away.
"Hey look at me!" Hachiman signed, awkwardly. Shouko caught it with her peripheral vision. But didn't look at him yet. He tried once more . "Do you want to go shopping with them?"
"Yes." Shouko said with a nod. Then, she reluctantly signed. "I mean they are better at it."
"Better at what?" Hachiman asked. He thought about whether she was going with them because, all three of them would help her communicate better with the clerks and the cashier and the other people in the shopping mall. But that was not the case. There isn't that much talking involved. In fact, he avoided talking or listening to special offers in the shopping mall, because he didn't want to get influenced by all the smooth talking salesman and buy stuff that he didn't need. "You know the three of them, together, will lead to complete chaos. In fact, the way you said it almost made it sound like you were being kidnapped."
"…You know how to sign kidnapped?" Shouko asked, tentatively.
It was Hachiman's time to blush. "Well, after I became the sort of manager of this place, I get dragged into a lot of their mess. And so, I thought, I could say I was kidnapped to make myself look more innocent to you." He thought about his fidgety fingers and wondered what to sign next. "Not that, I would lie to you, but sometimes, really, it's not my fault."
Shouko smiled and turned to him. "Well, they did say they would kidnap me and take me to that place, if I didn't go with them, on my own."
"They threatened you?" Hachiman asked. He forgot to sign and spoke in a menacing voice which he didn't know he possessed. "I will go have a talk with them. They can't make you go with them in their mindless shopping spree. I mean, it's not like you have anything you want to buy, right? Yeah, that's it. I will talk to them." He smiled, rotten. "As the manager of this boarding house who can increase their rent or kick them out or make them do anything I want! Hehehe!"
But as Hachiman made the sudden move to get up on his feet, Shouko reached up and grabbed a hold of his trousers, her fingers clutching the fabric, tightly at his thighs and he almost found himself unable to move, unable to breath.
Her eyes, auburn in the sunlight which slipped past the shade looked to hypnotize him.
"Prease dunt gro" Shouko said. Then she realised what she did and clasped both her hands to her mouth and made an effort to hide her face from him. How stupid she had been to forget, that her voice was ugly, guttural, unwoman-like and not even unintelligible or understandable.
This was the voice of someone not even a mother could love. And she had dared to ask him, using that same voice, begged him, said with her own cursed voice the most unforgiveable thing : Please don't go.
"Hey, I won't go after them."
Shouko was surprised. But there he was, hunched before her, knees bent, so he could be at her line of sight. He hadn't touched her, turned her around, and most importantly he didn't run away or make fun of her after, hearing her cursed voice.
"It's good that you are hanging around with them."
Hachiman Hikigaya, kneeled before her, his pant legs touching the damp grass, his hands, where she could see them, and her eyes on his lips, as he so intended because, at times like these, he wanted her to read him and draw her own conclusions.
"You should have more fun in your life."
He never asked her to trust him. He never asked her to trust his words. He learned sign language to communicate with her, yes that was true. But when it really mattered the most, when she was at a loss, when he couldn't make himself be understood, or she couldn't understand what was happening, he would always be the one, to let her take the choice.
"And it's not like I can be a replacement for them."
He was on his knees. His lips at her disposal…to read.
"There are something's that they might understand better than me."
Shouko could draw her own conclusions from his words, inflections, emotions, eyes, and countless other expressions which were lost in the silent language of their fingers and gestures. He made himself be more vulnerable to make her feel less exposed.
"And they all care about you and would keep you safe."
He made her feel loved and cherished and he made her feel the need to go out shopping with the other more experienced women and buy the things which she would have never thought, would have never felt the need to buy in her entire life.
"Plus, a woman only shopping trip. You don't need to tell me. I understand. I mean, I have a sister." Hachiman blushed and looked away. Shouko only caught the corner of his lips to read. "You must be running out of your…. monthly supplies."
"….." Shouko blinked. He had a sister. Of course, he would think that. And, monthly supplies, he used that same phrase when he had went out to buy groceries for the boarding house with rest of the male boarders.
Now he was using it to mean the women health care products, used by her during her time of the month.
This was so humiliating and what was even worse, he was completely off. But of course, he would think that, because she was being shy, and blushing and making a big deal about it and he would draw his own conclusions about that, even though he was wrong.
For some reason without thinking, Shouko took out her phone, scrolled to a text, that Sayaka-san had sent her, before thrusting it to his face. Hachiman read it and that was clearly a mistake:
"Shouko-chan, your breasts are getting bigger!" That's a wonderful way to greet someone. He should try that out when he is feeling suicidal. "Mayumi-chan noticed it first. It's her idea, because she always wears mismatched bra and panties which are not sexy at all and that's why she never lands a more permanent boyfriend." Throw her under the bus, and then have the bus, reverse and move back and forth over her crushed body to torture her trapped soul. Sayaka-san was a bully as well. "And, Ritsu-chan and Shouko-chan, you two are too sweet and innocent with your plain underwear, with your a-box-of-crayon coloured, animal printed, cotton panties and really you two should buy lingerie! Then you can surprise the-"
There was a sharp shove and he found the mobile screen smacked right on his forehead and he wondered how much of it he had said out loud. He had not been using sign language because there was no need to communicate. And he was not an idiot, to speak out loud the content of this text. From the very first sentence he had known, more or less it's nature.
But, unfortunately, he might have subconsciously moved his lips over some of the more difficult words that were making him blush and Shouko Nishimiya must have caught him, red faced, eyes guilty, fingers fidgety and mouth moving to imprint the word and the image, lingerie and Shouko in that context, along with the rest of the information that was available in the text.
"I showed you the wrong text by mistake." Shouko-san took back her phone and wrote back on the screen before showing him, not trusting her hands, face, gestures, anything which was purely not word based and couldn't be taken out of context in the least.
She was unsure and before, he could typed anything on the screen, she took back her phone and typed again. "I will cancel. I will not go. It's a waste of money. I am fine." Shouko wrote back, knowing she wasn't making much sense and now she couldn't face him.
What must he think, Shouko wondered.
"You should go." Hachiman wrote back. It was a simple sentence.
He didn't elaborate. He left her to chose and come to her own decisions. Shouko liked that about him. Another thing, smaller, but no less significant that she liked, was the fact that, he always typed on her mobile screen when she showed it to him. His reply, below hers, always. It was an odd, but somewhat intimate gesture and what surprised her most was that his fingers seemed to glide over the screen. Shouko never felt the pressure from his fingers as he added the words to form a sentence.
"But should I buy something expensive?" Shouko couldn't write the word 'lingerie' on her phone. But she did get the feeling that he understood what she wanted to convey. Then she took back her phone, before he could type a response.
He didn't look at her with impatience for something like this happening twice in a row. Shouko still tried to send him a look of apology, while adding something else to the text. "My mother always told me to be more practical."
Shouko Nishimiya hadn't talked to him about her mother. Her mother, who was burdened with a worthless deaf child like her, the child which led her father to divorce and walk out from their family while her little sister was still in her mother's womb.
You are ugly, a voice said.
Her mother wanted Shouko to be strong, independent, not be weak, defenceless, quick to be hurt, quick to cry like a pathetic woman. Shouko followed her instructions on that front. But her mother wanted more from her. She didn't approve of Shouko's long hair, she didn't approve of her feminine clothes, and she was certain, she wouldn't approve of her daughter buying something as impractical as lingerie.
You should die, another said.
Shouko Nishimiya in sexy lingerie, dressed for a man who would see her as a woman and make her feel loved and wanted and desired for what she was and what little she could offer. More than a silent voice whose cries couldn't be heard, not as a twelve year old child, not as a seventeen year old girl, and not as a nineteen year old woman.
But not never, she hoped.
But.
Who would want to see that.
You are not a woman.
You are nothing.
I want to die.
Shouko shivered. What was happening to her. That was not the voices of her mother. That was the voice of someone else, from her childhood. That person. That bully. Who made her wish she was dead. She didn't know why she thought of him at that moment. He was someone from her nightmares, not someone who troubled her in her waking moments. Shouko had put that behind her, when she left her home town and came to this city to pursue a new beginning.
But that last sentence had been her own voice from the past, ringing in her ears, a constant hum, that she thought she couldn't hear no more because, she knew better than to give into the urge and kill herself over something that happened -
"Shouko," Hachiman used her first name, occasionally. Shouko would find it sometimes on his lips. It was rare for him to do it, but when he did, her lips would always find his to read them and hold herself back from thinking too much. "…I think you should wear whatever you find more comfortable."
"…"
Shouko didn't know what to tell him. Comfortable in her own feminity and confident enough to wear lingerie, when she had trouble walking in high heels about a week ago. It was all too much. But, it was a thrill, an excitement, and a new kind of feeling which she was starting to understand little by little. Her mother wasn't here. She was her own person, able to make her own choice, fall down, cry, wipe her tears, then get back up and walk on. He was here with her and from what she learned about him so far, he wouldn't leave her for now.
He wanted her to feel comfortable.
And she wanted him to want her.
"What's your favourite colour?"
It had been a harmless question.
When Shouko Nishimiya had asked Hachiman Hikigaya, this for the very first time.
He had started to learn sign language. Colours were as basic a concept as any, when learning a new language and not that difficult to understand and use in speech. Plus, it was a simple question, to get to know each other a little bit better.
But as always it was all about context. Back then, it had been an harmless inquiry. But this time around, there was no mistaking it. This was a bold question to throw at him with the expectation of an answer.
He heard the question that was left unsaid in her silent voice. Despite the subtlety, her blushing face, and her fingers, and the look in her eyes, let him know, that there was no misunderstanding.
She knew what she was asking and she wanted an honest answer.
What colour of lingerie do you want me to buy, now that was a question which would have sounded wrong when said aloud. At times, he appreciated the nuances of signs and gestures and the way her fingers moved in the air and his realisation of the meaning and the plain understanding therein.
"You already know." Hachiman replied.
Shouko smiled.
-/-/-/-
A/N: Sorry for not updating anything for a while. But I was working on this chapter and also the mystery fic and I kinda lost track of time.
As you can see, in this chapter, Hachiman and Shouko can now communicate using sign language. But sometimes, I use phones and voices to make them communicate too. I don't draw special emphasis to it, because I want to show their developing chemistry and their compatibility.
But when things will go wrong with their budding relationship (It will happen in the next chapter), the sentences will start to feel off and sound disjointed and out of sync and harmony and it will be difficult to read and communicate between them again.
Also, warning. This is the last feel good chapter.
Now here are the options for the next chapter of The Lingerie Arc:
Option 1: Shouko Meets Her Childhood Bully In The Lingerie Store.
Option 2: Hachiman Hurts Shouko and Shouko Wishes She Was Dead.
Please, pick any of the above options.
Hope everyone enjoyed reading this chapter.
Leave, lots and lots of reviews, follow and fave.
Won't betray your dreams.
P.S: Those of you who thought that the lingerie arc is gonna be sexy...well, it might. Don't lose hope!
