Fandom: SVU

Title: Christmas Eve Delight

A/N : I don't own anything in the SVU universe except the plot. Jessie and Billie don't exist in this fic

P O V: Amanda Rollins

Chapter 1: I Need You Now

Rainbow Generation Lounge & Nightclub

546 Christopher Street

New York, NY, 10023

December 24th, 2019 10:35 pm

Slamming down my empty glass on the counter, I meet the bartender's eyes. "Alec you are looking adorable tonight, very delicious, I know you'll make some guy's Christmas Eve delight, now make me a happy woman, and pour me some of that." I stumble, laughing as I point to the vodka bottle, my hand careering his bare pours me the drink laughing as I sit back.

"Another Alec." I slam the glass down, losing count of how many I've had by now. "Amanda, are you sure it's a good idea? I think you've had enough. Let me call you a cab."

"No, I want another. You don't get paid to think pretty boy, you.." I stumble as I get up, gripping the counter "You get paid to pour me drinks...so shut-up..fill 'ere up so I can drink my drinky-drink." "Amanda, you're wasted."

Laughter rises from my throat; the room spins fast, brilliant neon colors fly on unicorns. "Whoa, Amanda honey." that voice I know it. All I can describe it as is honey on ice on a hot summer day sweet, sticky and husky. Every little hair on my body is now standing at attention, screaming yes, Ma'am! her hand slides around my waist, my throat tightens. "Captain." I manage to squeak out.

"It's Liv sweetie; we're off the clock." I feel her slip her hand inside mine. "Alec, Sweetie I'm Olivia, I'll pay out her tap, she is done for the night."

"Says who? I'm not done, Ol-i-v-i-a! I'm just getting started! My snort and laughter makes my sarcasm dulled; my swaying body makes my words less menacing. I keep trying to break free of her grasp "Amanda, please stop whatever it is that's bothering you. Please let me help. I can fix it."

Her words stop me slapping me cold like winter bitter's winds after a night of club dancing squashed body to body. "fix it? Liv, are you serious? Do you think I'm broken? You think I'm damaged, shattered like a glass of a wrecked car?"

"No, Amanda, that's not what I said."

"It's what you meant, though well guess what Liv you can't. Not everything can be fixed, some people are too damaged. Too ruined to be put back together again."

"You have no idea what's happened in my life, you have no idea how it feels to hit rock bottom, to sink so God damn far that everyone else around you is swimming miles ahead, but you keep sinking faster, harder to the damn bottom of that ocean floor."

"So tell me, Amanda. Talk to me. Trust in me."

Her eyes are pleading with me to trust her, talk to her, soulful bright hazel eyes craving my secrets. Why? No one else has ever cared enough to try. I have to struggle to force another breath out physically, one becomes two and turns to three. I'm up to six before I can clear the lump.

"Why so you can use it against me?"

"Amanda, I wouldn't; you're in trouble, aren't you? Whatever it is, I can help."

"It's nothing like that Liv, I'm fine. Honestly, seriously. Excuse me; I have bars to visit."

"Amanda, please don't go, please come with me. I need to talk maybe you're okay with keeping things inside, I can't wait anymore. I need to get some things off my chest, your the only one I feel comfortable enough with to talk to,"

"About what, Liv?" My eyes meet hers staring into hers for a moment. I am captivated, nearly forgetting we're in a packed bar, Christmas music blasting from speakers, bodies pressed together.

All it takes is one look one smile, one positive word from her for me to become undone to forget how to speak, think, or even feel. She makes me dizzy with excitement, anticipation, fear. Her scent is intoxicating who needs alcohol right now at this moment; I would trade all the booze in the world for one smile from her, one whispered word. I would follow her anywhere.

Even if she'll never see me in the same way that I see her.

Even if she never loves me back with the same fierceness that I love her. I would still follow her everywhere, anywhere. Which is why I allow her to take my elbow, lead me outside the bar into the freezing bitter harshness of late December's night air."Where's Noah?"

"Aunt Alex and Aunt Casey took him and Calex to the Rockettes he's sleeping over tonight." I nodded, vaguely remembering that Alex and Casey have a son around Noah's age Calex. "Christmas Eve is just so hard for me; I hate being alone, I didn't want to say no he is super excited." Her voice quivers. I stare into her eyes, seeing a storm of emotions brewing behind these gorgeous hazel eyes. I want to ask, but I don't want to invade her privacy.

"Oh, shit." The instant the wind hits me. I regret wearing this mini skirt and the halter top with no coat. "what the hell was I thinking?" Liv's laughter lightens the mood. "not about winter obliviously." I feel her slide her brown leather jacket off her shoulders, slipping it onto my slender, shaking shoulders.

"Smells like you, Liv cinnamon, pine, coffee." "Sorry." "don't be." I laugh, "It's warm, inviting." "Glad to know I smell so amazing." We both laugh, walking down the sidewalk. "New York Christmas is magical, Amanda." I feel that old bitterness of anger brewing inside the same one, which drew me to the bar tonight to forget.

"Yeah, sure it is." "Not a fan of New York hyped Christmas Amanda?" "Not a fan of Christmas in general, Liv?" My statement hangs in the air, dropping fast and noisy like an anchor into the ocean. My throat is dry; my head is dizzy, my stomach rolls violently like hurricane waves.

I feel her tense she wants to integrate me but wants to be respectful at the same time. The lines between cops and human decency blurring together, making her feel as if she's on a tightrope.

I know she's thinking not a fan of Christmas? How can that be? Everyone loves Christmas. Yeah, well, not me, I'm the exception to that rule. Christmas lights gleam and glitter from every beautifully decorated window, blowup decorations wave from front yards, snow glistens as it falls rapidly. Covering sidewalks making walking in my heals slippery and covering car tops, buildings, streets, and treetops. Mocking me.

New York Traffic at it's most exceptional blaring horns, squealing of tires, angry cursing as drivers flip each other off. The cars backed up for miles, all attempting to go at once; how a pile-up hasn't happened yet is impressive to me. Christmas Miracle. "Let's go inside the Chelsea Piers Amanda."

"Sounds warm Liv, I'm game."

Christmas Carole's greet us upon entrance at least fifty kids to teenagers making up a youth choir are standing in the middle of the lobby behind them a huge Christmas tree beautifully illuminated. "they sound amazing these kids are precious."

Olivia is as lost in memories I can see it in her eyes. She's revisiting an era long ago forgotten bypassing of the generations. I watch as kids chase each other laughing, parents looking weary weakly yelling after them, trying to cuddle together to stay warm. For a minute, I close my eyes, listening to their angelic voices to the words of this song.

This is that time of the year, A tinselly, glittery time; Long-distance calls to uncle and aunt,

On ev'ry corner, you bump into Santa,

'Cause this is that time of the year, A holly and jolly old time;

Windows are dressed in ribbons of silk,

And Junior drinks all of his milk!

"Starbucks, Amanda, it's calling to us." Liv breaks my trance, leading me to the popular populated coffee spot.

"I wish I was that flexible nowadays. I swear I need to excise more." Shaking my head to clear my thoughts and bring me back to the present, I focus on where Olivia's eyes are. She's staring at the volleyball court where a very aggressive game is currently being played.

"Yeah, don't we all?"

"Please, Rollins you could jump that high, I've seen you do it when Fin dangles coffee cake in front of you." Both of us laugh, "You know there isn't actual coffee in that coffee cake, right?"

Rolling my eyes, I bump my hip against hers. "Yes, Captain, I know that, but oh my god it's so good." the coffee shop is body to body every table is packed so when I spot two seats I nearly stoke out. We quickly snatch them up, placing our order as a waiter comes over.

For a minute, we undress lean back and breathe out, relaxing and trying to warm up. We sit in silence listing to the choir sing another Christmas favorite.

Busy sidewalks, busy sidewalks
Dressed in holiday style
In the air
There's a feeling
of Christmas
Children laughing
People passing
Meeting smile after smile
And on ev'ry street corner you'll hear

Silver bells, silver bells
It's Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them sing
Soon it will be Christmas day

"Thank you, Amanda."

Liv's voice brings me back to the present time. "for?" "Coming here with me today, you didn't have to. I know this seems silly." I shrug, reaching over to take her hand. "We all have our fears, our pain, our secrets. Christmas isn't always the happiest time of year for every single person. There's a reason Suicides go up this time of the year."

"Very true Amanda, I promise I'm not that bad though, don't get me wrong I love Christmas Morning, the joy of watching my son's face as he tears open his presents, there's nothing better than watching Christmas through your children's eyes." she has mo idea how those words just cut through to my deepest pain.

I wait as she sips her coffee just brought to us, blowing on mine I savor the warmth of the vanilla bean, cinnamon latte. I watch her eyes, which have fallen on the pianist who's probably around 22. Tears have filled her eyes now, so I squeeze her hand, it's the only gift I can give to her right now as I watch her struggle.

"I've carried this for over 40 years now."

"Carried what Liv?"

"This story, these memories. I can usually push away the memories I mean alcohol works very well, meaningless sex, party hopping, or working late ass hours. Today, this year is so different. Forty years is a long time."

I nod in agreement. "It's too heavy this year to bare alone I need to talk about it, and I need to remember, he deserves to be remembered."

"Who Liv? I'm listening Olivia; it's okay to take your time." Here comes that far away look behind her hazel eyes. Her shoulders sag as if they have the weight of the world on them. "Christmas was always a huge Holiday at Hudson U, my mom every year worked extra long hours, each dorm had huge parties which meant the kids had less brainpower to focus on studies, making their professors crazy."

"My mom spent more time on campus than at home, which was fine by me because it meant that my best friends Theresa and Isabella and I could sneak into the school. We'd puff our hair way up blast Cyndi Luper empty spray can bottles cause hell it was the eighties big hair was in."

"We'd pile on the makeup, hike up the skirts, stuff our bra's to make us look fuller, and blackmail Isabella's older brothers who went there into getting us into the dorms. We'd each pick a dorm, and for the Christmas Eve week, we'd sneak inside them whoever was rumored to have the best parties. We looked older, so we had no problem getting boys to pay attention to us."

"We would live the high life drinking, dancing with cute older guys, we were fourteen we started. In my sixteenth year, I met this boy who I fell madly in love with. I was super drunk and came up with the idea of vouging on the table to show him how sexy my long legs were."

I bury my head inside my hands, having the experience to know already this did not end well. "Fell flat on my face in front of him as he was playing the piano. All the kids were laughing their asses off. I was humiliated."

"I'll kick his ass Liv who is he?" "Down Rollins. Let me finish." she pets my hand making me laugh, "I thought I could vogue even as drunk as I was, newsflash alcohol and sexy do not go together. However, he was a perfect gentleman he came over, knelled in front of me, gave me his hand and helped me up."

"He got me out of the party, wrapped his arms around my waist. We walked up to the roof; it was a mild winter that year. We lay on a blanket side by side star gazing, munching on grapes, cheese, and wine."

"I learned his name was Malachy O'Connor he was from Ireland, on a scholarship for music with a minor in English, he turned out to be one of my mom's students. Which to me made him that much sexier, off-limits."

"Malachy was my first love, my first serious kiss; I was a late bloomer, I guess."

"It's okay, Liv, our bodies are sacred temples, our virtue should be persevered, treasured, I wish more girls took care of themselves and waited."

"You mean you wish you had waited Amanda?" I look away, filled with shame, "Yeah, Liv, I do." My answer is so soft I see her strain to hear me.

"You're not those names Amanda, so just stop. Don't beat yourself up."

I feel her hands run the length of my arms, sending tiny shivers coursing through my veins. "Malachy and I dated for almost a year in secret, sneaking off to movies, concerts, the library he took his studies very seriously. He made me a better student; he made me want o to be better."

"He collected me piece by piece he filled the holes that my mother's hatred, my dad's absence made. He showed me the beauty of love; he showed me a world of possibilities."

"We got jobs together at the local market; we bought each other presents little things. Neither one of us had much to our names. He bought an apartment so we could spend time together, my mother never knew for almost two years, until one night we got careless and got lost in a moment of heated passion in my bedroom. She walked in on us."

Whistling I shake my head "Yup Pearl Harbor looked like a kid's play dough bomb gone wrong compared to my mother's volcano vocabulary when she walked in and saw her twenty-five-year-old student inside her seventeen-year-old daughter's vagina."

The mention of her most innermost region makes my knees shake; my hands tense my chest squeeze. Pervert stop it, Amanda, I chastised myself over and over, yet I can't get that image out my head except instead of some Irish lad. It's me on top of Liv, making sweet love to her.

"So, what happened?"

"We got into a huge fight, and I left with Mal, it was Christmas of 1985, I was shaken obliviously at only 17, I had no real idea how to take care of myself, how to pay bills, I was still in high school, to top it off, I had a pregnancy scare."

"Oh, Liv, I am so sorry." I take her hands into mine as she smiles at me, leaning her head against mine. "Yeah I was scared, I felt alone, I wanted to die, but Mal was amazing he bought a pregnancy test for me, he held my hand as I took it, and waited with me."

"The damn thing came back inconclusive, so he went with me to the doctors, held my hands swore to me it would be alright no matter what that he would get a job, help me through high school."

"We would raise our child no matter what life dealt us."

"Of course it took days to get the results, so he filled those days with endless adventures, new romances so I wouldn't worry. Christmas Eve, he created a beautiful atmosphere on the rooftop, the same one we first lain and talked years before."

"He had lights shining, a Christmas tree decorated, presents under it, one box particular caught my eyes. So he held it open for me."

Olivia's lips twist into a gorgeous smile as she remembers a time long before I was even able to form thoughts of my own. I was maybe five; then God, the age difference shows for a second. I brush it aside, holding her hands kissing her head, taking the chance she won't kill me. Her beautiful smile rewards me, "Thanks, Amanda." "so what was the gift?"

"Eager much?"

"Yes, I love stories."

"Malachy brought me a gorgeous Emerald and VS Diamond Vintage Ring in 14k White Gold Engagement ring."

"I was so excited he made me feel complete; he made me feel sexy, smart, daring like I could be anyone as long as I believed. Honestly, before him, I was so lost, buried in my mother's rage and pain, desperate to find a father who I believed not to be the monster my mom made him out to be."

"We made love on that rooftop we toasted with champagne."

"Later, when it got colder he took my hand, and we walked to a pizza shop down the street, we were laughing, tickling each other, we were young and carefree planning our futures."

She closes her eyes. I can see her chest squeeze tight as memories assault her. I want to reach over and hug her tight. Still, I remain seated some memories are so painful you have to bear them alone because no matter how hard I hug her I can't take away the pain, I can't erase what's happened.

"I heard a woman scream, and Mal took off running down the alley, I followed, but he was faster, his legs longer he got to her first. I saw the guy on top of her raping her, but all I could do was a scream, Malachy attacked him punching him, he tried to save her, he just never saw the gun not till it went off."

In a flash, I am in front of her wrapping my arms around her as her body shakes. I know now why she's so covered in the memory of a time long passed. Today's case brought it all back fourteen-year-old Xavier P Thomas, who was shot in his school after helping a classmate who he saw being assaulted. Shot dead in his history class no longer a living breathing teenager, now his life is stolen he's a piece of history.

A lesson for today's youth, an experience which they should never have to learn.

One, they are learning more painfully with each passing day. Guns kill, they don't care about age, race, gender, sexual orientation if you've ever held a gun before or not. They have one purpose aim, squeeze shoot.

"I'm here, honey. I'm right here, let it out."

She cries openly unashamed as I hold her running my hands along her back, feeling her heartbeat hearing the sound of guns being fired. A sound I wish I could forget. I almost can't breathe. Each sob which escapes her makes my heart break more. I almost feel bad for not sharing my story.

She should know she's not alone that I am not some Grinch who hates Christmas only for petty reasons. I have my horror my past. My profound loss, I can't, though.

No words can ever describe how my loss makes me feel besides this isn't my time to share; this is her moment, her pain which deserves to be recognized. It's selfish of me even to entertain the thought of taking that away from her. It's the same reason I didn't share with Xavier's mother hours before. It's not my time. It's her son her pain, her world forever shattered.

Tears roll down my face as I think about Justine Thomas no mother should have to bury their son ever, especially at Christmas time though, it makes me feel for Malachy's mother a world away getting that call.

Olivia's hands caress my face as her cries soften my lips, gently ghost her checks. We both carry pain so deep it makes me understand her passion for stopping these criminals even better. Now I know why she's a stickler for rules, protocols, why she is so hard on me. It's personal for her.

"Amanda."

Her voice is so husky now I feel aroused God I have issues. "Yes, Liv?" "I need you" "I'm here, Liv, right here." "No I mean I need you tonight, I need to be held, I need to be loved, I want to make love to you. I've been holding back these feelings for a long time; I can't wait anymore. I won't deny myself. I need to be desired, wanted, touched, kissed, caressed. I need to forget the pain, remember the magic of Christmas, would you? I know it's a lot to ask, I don't want to push myself on you, or take advantage of you."

"Would you make love with me?"

Her question her request floors me. In all these years, I never knew she held these feelings for me. Frankly, I thought she hated me. I always wondered if I ever crossed her mind. Does she know I am a lesbian? How did she find out? Is she drunk? Does she know I have the biggest obsession with her? Will she regret this Christmas Eve delight come morning light? Would I regret it?

"Amanda, I am sorry, I know it was too much. I'm sorry I drank a little too much Whiskey I should go... My hands react before my mind can register what they are doing. Grabbing her hands, I pull them to my waist.

"Don't go," I whisper, bending my head, so my lips meet hers. "Not alone, come home with me, I … I want to make love to you too."