5A/N: LOOK! I WROTE A NERIC FIC! It needed to happen people. Nell is super duper not okay and someone needed to help her out. Set post "Mother."
"I've got him! I've got Deeks! He's okay!" Kensi shouted into the phone.
Nell closed her eyes. "Oh thank god," she whispered, feeling the pinprick of tears.
"That's great. I'll send the coroner and a bus," Eric said as Sam filled him in on the other line.
"Is she okay?" Nell asked when they hung up. "Callen and Sam…?"
"Everybody's fine," Eric told her, putting a hand on her shoulder. "They're all coming home."
She nodded, sniffing as more tears filled her eyes. Everyone was okay. They were all fine. It was just another day at work. But instead of feeling the sense of relief that usually washed over her at the end of a case, the feeling of terror in her gut only seemed to intensify. The tears wouldn't stop and she felt her chest begin to tighten as her breath caught in her throat.
"Nell?" Eric took a step toward her, concern all over his face. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," she nodded and put a hand on her stomach, trying to get her bearings.
Except she wasn't. Her throat was closing up and panic fluttered inside her like a living, breathing viper. "Hey, sit down," Eric said, reaching for a chair.
"No I—" The world began to spin and she flailed a hand, grabbing for any kind of support as her knees gave out.
"Whoa!" Eric caught her arm and lowered her to the floor. "Hey I need some help over here!"
She could hardly hear it, it was like cotton had been pulled over her ears, muffling all sound, cloaking her in a world of terror that she couldn't break free of.
Her whole body trembled and all she could do was stare at Eric as he barked orders at the other support staff in the room. "Nell, Nell listen to me, you're all right. Do you hear me?" There was a commanding, authoritative tone to his voice that she'd never heard before.
"Eric," his name barely squeezed out of her throat and she gripped his arm tightly.
"Nell, you have to breathe," he ordered. "You're safe. Everybody's safe. Breathe. Breathe!"
She couldn't. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think beyond the panic gripping her heart and lungs.
One of their IT staffers, Shawn, knelt in front of her. He moonlighted as an EMT she remembered, although why her brain could remember that but not how to get oxygen into her body was a mystery. He began to take her vital signs, talking in a calm voice. "Okay, Nell, this is just a panic attack all right?" Shawn said. "You're going to be okay. It's not going to last forever and you're not dying. Just keep listening to my voice all right?"
Her mom. Hetty. Eric. Kensi. Deeks. Sam. G. Their faces flashed in front of her in a dizzying array. It was too much. It was all too much. She couldn't save them all.
"Nell, no one is in danger," Shawn said.
She hadn't realized she'd managed to speak the words out loud. "You did it. You saved everyone. Now you just need to breathe so you can save yourself all right?"
She felt a hand on her arm and turned to find Eric beside her. "You can do this," he said quietly. "I'm right here."
Slowly, ever so slowly she felt her chest begin to loosen. Breath rushed back into her lungs and the world came back to rest. "That's it. Great job," Shawn said.
"Eric," she whispered.
"I'm here." He pulled her into his arms, right there on the floor in front of everyone as she sobbed into his shirt.
"She'll be okay," she heard Shawn say. "Take her home. She just needs some time."
She fell asleep in the car and was only barely aware of Eric cradling her to him and carrying her into their bedroom. When she woke up a couple hours later he was there beside her, reading a book. "Hey," he said, setting it down when he saw her awake. "How are you?"
"Fine," she said, sitting up and pushing her hair out of her face. In reality she felt exhausted despite her nap. Her limbs felt heavy and a headache was brewing at the back of her skull.
"No you're not," he said.
His response startled her. "Eric…"
"Nell, you haven't been fine in weeks. Not since I've been back and I'm guessing not since before then either," he said gently. "But I don't understand why you haven't said anything."
The earnest worry in his face was nearly her undoing. She wanted to crawl into a hole by herself and simultaneously cuddle up against him and never let go. "You can talk to me," he said. "You can tell me anything."
"I thought I was handling it," she said in a whisper. "I thought I was doing all right. My mom, she's not great, but she's getting better. But Sydney, she just can't deal with it so I've been making all the calls to outpatient facilities and for nursing care and billing. And then you were gone and I just…I missed you so much," she let out a broken sob. "And I was so scared when you were—when you were missing and I thought, I thought maybe I'd never see you again."
She was full blown crying at this point and he was looping his arms around her, letting her bawl her eyes out for the second time that day. "And Hetty and Deeks today and I yelled at Hetty, I yelled at her and I haven't talked to her since except for work and if something had happened to her…Eric I can't….I just can't anymore."
The words came tumbling out, raw after months of being held back, tamped down until she felt like she would break apart from the inside if she didn't get them out. "Hey," Eric said. "You've had a lot on your plate lately. It's all right that you're not okay."
"No it's not!" She said. "Eric, if I lose it, people could die. Our friends could die. You saw me today, I was paralyzed."
"Yeah for a moment. But then you jumped right back into it and got everybody home safely. You did that Nell. Not me by myself, but us working together."
"I hate feeling like this." She cuddled closer into him. "I just want it to stop."
"It will." He stroked her arm. "It can. But it's going to take some time. And maybe more help than I can give you by myself."
She nodded. He was right. It was time to deal with all of this and start taking care of herself again. "I think Kensi saw someone after Syria. Maybe…maybe I'll give her a call."
"That's a good idea." He shifted so he could see her face. "Nell, I'm sorry that I haven't been here for you. I know I got distracted with work and that added to all this pressure you've been under. I wish you would have told me what was going on. I would have come home. You're the most important thing in the world to me."
"I didn't want to mess anything up for you. You were so excited. I just kept thinking we would make it work."
"Well I'm here now. We're going to figure this out." He kissed the top of her head. "You know I love you right?"
"Yeah. I love you too." She looked up at him and quirked half a smile. "Thanks for coming home."
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be."
A/N: Good golly I hope they get her some help on the show soon because she is losing it and it's super sad. Some Densi centered goodness is coming your way soon! Leave your love in the reviews!
