Fandom - Gravitation
Title - kiregire.
Pairing - Tohma + Ryuichi, Ryuichi + Shuichi, Ryuichi + Tatsuha
Rating – PG
Description – Only a few people can see into the hearts of things that can't talk back. One stuffed bunny has found one of those people.

Disclaimer – Gravitation isn't mine. I just really love and respect it.

kiregire.
by miyamoto yui

Part 3 – wanderer, green-eyed monster, and song's release.

In humans, there is something ugly that they wish not to reveal to anyone. It is worse than pity and deeper than love. Desperation could not even be described as an emotion. How could something so empty be labeled a 'feeling' anyway?

But the tears that could not be cried and the stuffing that was in the place of my heart could not ache. And yet here I was full of 'life', the belief that my friend Ryuichi could see through me: More than being his stuffed bunny.
On that day though, I became aware of what I was in other's eyes and how far my limited capabilities could stretch before I could undo the stitches that even Ryuichi couldn't even begin to fix…

…nor even his own.

That day was one of shame. Though I did nothing, I felt like I failed in some way. It seems foolish now to think about it because I was too innocent to know that the ability to show love overpowered the overwhelming emotion of wanting to give definition to the emotions that humans had inside of them.
Deep inside of them, they wanted to give something though they didn't ever want to admit it. I believe they wanted to give whatever they had deep inside because it was scarier to receive anything from another human being, for the receiver and the giver of a gift had different intentions.
They don't seem to coincide.

Ryuichi always became quiet whenever he listened to certain songs. When he let me hear them, they were always about wanting to be the only one to be looked at. I didn't understand until the day when my rival unexpectedly showed himself.

On that day, years after that photo session, Ryuichi arrived very early so that he could look at the empty stage of that wide, wide place. He leaned his back onto the wall from all the way in the back. And he didn't say a word, but seemed nostalgic.
They way he looked at that place as he held me tighter and tighter in his arms, I could see that this place had feeling. When people remembered things, they weren't aware of the time they lived in, they were filled only with the memories of yesterday. And there was no way I could have called out to Ryuichi, who seemed to be in a trance.

He pointed his head downwards.

Although he had come here earlier that day, he pretended that when he came here with Tohma that he had just arrived. I never really understood why he did that kind of thing. Was it always necessary to be so secretive even to the people that were closest to him? Were people always pushing others away even though wanted to be comforted so gently and tightly?
It seemed like a kind weakness within him. Although he was wrapped up within his own head and in his own perspective within this world, he could not ever say what he really wanted. He didn't ever want to admit the things that connected him to other people.

"Damn pride," he mumbled to himself, as if he had heard my thoughts.

He didn't want pity. He didn't want others to worry, so he always pretended like he knew what he was doing.
So, when he came to the Ask concert, he put his cap over head. I was already gone. I was put on a metal seat where no one could touch me, where no one would find me but him.

I saw it so clearly. Until now, I could see it before me.

"Doesn't he remind you of you?" someone had said. I didn't remember who. I didn't really care as I saw Ryuichi's head look up. It was facing straight at the pink-haired boy whom the audience was shouting off the stage.

In that silence, I bet no one knew the intensity or the magnitude. Only I knew that the moment, Ryuichi was so focused, it was all over. Touring the world and living in America deepened his character but made his emotions go out of whack.
With no one but me to truly talk to, there was no one to give everything to. There were no challenges that were outside of himself.

He trapped himself by the images and goals he had made by his own expectations.

Entranced, he sang slowly and clearly. He jumped down from his place and the boy seemed to recognize his voice too. Without talking to one another, they called out to one another.

It was the first time they'd ever met their mirror reflections.
Looking at one another, they couldn't see it. Anyone else thought they saw what I did, but those who didn't speak could probably have a hint what this all meant.

Only I knew it was not a moment's outlet. It wasn't aspiration.

Ryuichi's voice carried all the fears he had. And it finally sang out all the affections he could not focus onto one person. There were people who loved themselves to arrogance, but Ryuichi couldn't do that to himself.

It was as if the boy could forgive the things he could not heal about himself.
When he looked up to the boy, he pasted the confusing, yet strong emotions all over with a smile to hide himself all over again.

By the force of the things I saw and could not control as well as all the anger and frustration I felt that I could not show having been here all this time but not shown this new layer Ryuichi that I deserved as his confidant, I fell down to the dirty floor by the booming of their singing.

And I was lying to one side with my right ear covering my eyes. I didn't know how much time passed when they sang but it was a prolonged eternity for me because my eyes were wide open. I could not cry or close them. I could not move or runaway.

It was the first time I felt the rage called jealousy. My enemy had pink hair, but he could capture this individual's attention more than I ever could.

Once more, Ryuichi was changing…evolving.

Evolving by the minute he met this one named Shuichi.

As Ryuichi jumped back to K and Tohma, he passed by me. The one who picked me up was Touma. And before going after them, he dusted me off and looked at me so sadly.
"I know how this feels."

I looked in Tohma's eyes. They matched the ones that Ryuichi had when playing the piano, alone in the room in the mountains.

Yes, there are things only we can experience from the hurt we have reached. Maybe when it passes then we can 'let go', but until we can hold on, it is still a beautiful thing. You see the power of our weaknesses rise together to reveal something you cannot see in strength.
Many will not believe in such a thing. It is because the world makes simple things so complicated and the only way to see is through your heart. However, to trust it is more dangerous than believing in another person.

Maybe that's what Ryuichi is always wondering about inside of himself, especially as he plays in the chaotic darkness.

Tsuzuku... / To be continued…

Author's note: It has been a long time because I have been working a lot and thinking too much. Maybe it also because there are some thoughts that I was afraid to admit because I found myself learning so much that it became so overwhelming.

I thank you for reading and supporting this fic.

Love,
yui

10/26/2007 5:19:23 AM