gravitation - killing my love (one-shot, g)

Fandom: Gravitation
Title: killing my love
Rating: G
Description: Maiko thinks about her inner, conflicting relationship with her brother.

Disclaimer: Murakami Maki-sama was the genius who brought these characters into existence and I am just a humble fan who was blessed to be able to have so many memories through this title. "Killing my love" is by Leslie Parrish and is used in Initial D and Parapara. (It's a great song if you ever get a chance to hear it.) The Prodigal/Prodical Son is from the Bible.

"Bye, Maiko-chan!"

For one small moment, I blinked my eyes a little longer than usual as I tapped my index finger on the front door to the song that I was listening to. When I opened my eyes again, I held the handle of the door while waving goodbye to my older brother.

I was the only one seeing him off. It was the same old story.

And the lyrics of the song kept on playing with the beat pumping through my headphones:

"You're gonna destroy my love
With your actions you destroy my heart
You give me always bad surprises tell me tell me why
You treat my feelings like a toy

Baby make up make up make up
Your mind's time wake up
They gave us just one life to live
Baby love and love and love me love is what is worthing
The most important thing to give

But you're, killing my love and it will destroy me
But you're, killing love my heart's disappointing…"

After closing the door, my smile left me while I turned around to go back to my room. I started to sing along with the song, which was playing on repeat all this time.

It was sad to say. And it was strange to think about them in this way, but these words kept on digging inside of me with a small amount of disappointment and aggravation that tried to lay dormant inside of me.

Once in a while, though, these feelings surfaced by the right trigger. And now, it was because these lyrics made me think about…

…my older brother.

killing my love.
By miyamoto yui

Call it what you want.
Some people call it sibling rivalry and that only siblings would understand that the possession of teasing their siblings was the sole privilege of those brothers or sisters. No one else could enter into their sacred world of twisted hierarchy in which tradition and modernization clashed unless the offenders wanted to be beaten up or shunned. Our household was no different from these standards.
But for tradition's sake, if I took it from that point of view, then it was the older one who took on many responsibilities. And in any case, there were certain rules for each kid after that, classified by number and gender.

In our household, there were only two of us. Shuichi (a boy) and me (a girl).

But my brother frustrated me.
Don't get me wrong. I know that he is a nut and I know that he can get too emotional about certain things. I know that his moods change as fast a pregnant woman's. I know all this and I try to understand my brother as much as I can.
I think he's cool that he has his own band and his lover is my favorite author in the whole world, Yuki Eiri-sama! In fact, I'm proud of everything he's done. I'm so happy to be his sister. And I know he loves me and is just as proud of me.

However, that sometimes couldn't color over the things that permeated towards the lines of responsibility. He was the older brother, but I always felt like I was taking care of him. If he had a bad mood, I'd try to cheer him up. That was what sisters and brothers did, especially if they were close. It was a type of secret ownership in which no one else could make his or her sibling cry. Only the actual sibling could and that was that.
And it wasn't that we haven't had happy or sad times. He's taken care of me a lot of times. He's encouraged me in so many things too.

Maybe my brother was never meant to fit the traditional and stereotypical older brother. And that was okay. He did what was important when push came to shove.

I know that much.

But he came in and out of our house as he pleased. If he and Yuki-sama have a fight or he feels stumped by something, he comes running home. What do you expect? He's barely how old? He may surpass everyone (except Sakuma Ryuichi) in passion, but he was still immature in life experience.

And I'm caught in the middle of all this.

Our dad is still a little touchy about the subject of Shuichi living with a guy, so he refuses to talk to him. Mother helps Shuichi with all that she can like cooking if he needs help or stuff like that. Though she supports my brother and is pleased to see him focused and happy, she has to also think of our dad.
She sometimes cannot do all that she wants not because she doesn't care, but that our dad would feel like no one respected him if she didn't also try to take his side once in a while.
Mothers have a tough role. Always trying to make everyone happy while making themselves happy last.

Sometimes I wonder where she got all that strength and patience.

But as calm as I am, I'm not patient, am I? I get upset easily that no matter what I do, it seems that our parents feel that I'm doing "just fine". Because I am studying hard, exerting all my energy towards all my school activities, and have a good-hearted, quiet person as my boyfriend, then I don't need to be told what to do. I don't really need to be taken care of beyond the points of finance. (I think I do, but they don't see that.)

And so, they turn towards my brother.
I love my brother, but I can't help but feel like we're from that one Bible story called the Prodigal Son in which the younger son takes half of his inheritance, leaves home, squanders his money, and comes back to have his father forgive him for leaving. The older one gets mad because after following their father so diligently and earnestly after all these years, he wasn't treated as lavishly as his irresponsible brother. But his father told him that he was already blessed with the knowledge he had and his vision (which made him such an obedient son) while his brother has finally realized what it means to find the ability to make the "right" decisions in life.

Only, it's ironic that I feel like the older brother when I'm the younger one in this house of ours.

I have done everything that I possibly can and yet my words are not really heard. Whenever I've tried to tell my mother about my frustrations, we end up talking about a certain Yuki Eiri novel. We're so lost in the conversation that I don't even get to tell her.

When I sometimes fight with her, I tell her that it's unfair. "Try to understand" is a repeated quote that has become quite an annoying mantra. I wondered what was it that I didn't "understand". But even though she understands what I mean most of the time, and I understand her position, does she really think about me? Does she really see my perspective when I ask her why they're a bit stricter with me when I've been the responsible one? Why is it that Shuichi can do what he wants without having to think of anything related to the family?

Where did he get that kind of freedom?

The moment he walked out of that house and lived with Yuki-sama, that was the day when the door clicked with a loud echo that resounded itself all over the house and deep into my heart. I watched that door close with a note saying where he was going to and what he was saying. When that door closed in front of me, that was the day I took up the responsibilities he left behind.

I will be lying if I say that I'm not a little mad at him for this. Even though I love and respect my brother so much, as well as being super close, I can't help but feel so overwhelmed by all the things that fell into my lap. What he left for me to clean up after him.

Our parents became even stricter. I had a rigid curfew. I was pressured more about school. And they rode even more of their hopes on me.

No one was helping me with this. I reached out to my brother for this, but he unconsciously turned away.

I know he didn't mean it. And ultimately, I want him to be happy.
I want him to grow into the person that he wants to be, even if it's in a way that I may not always fully comprehend (or appreciate at certain times). That's why I continue to support him with a smile in everything he does. I call him or visit him when I can, but it pains me too.

I love him so much, but he doesn't know how much he has hurt me without knowing it.

That's why I stop short of telling him any of my irritations. I may want to vent this out in spurts to my parents, but I know that there is no true cause for this situation. Even with all the "privileges, leeway, love, and acceptance", they were only trying their best to deal with us individually as their children and as people.

There was no one or nothing to blame. It is just the way it is.

I want for mom, dad, Shuichi, and myself to be happy, but I'm torn inside. My mind stretches beyond its limits; my heart wants to collapse upon itself. And yet I am determined, or at least trying, to be the best little sister, student, and person that I can possibly be.

But it's not that I'm refusing to understand or that I don't, it's because I do that I feel this way.

And it makes me wonder if after all my smiling, do they truly try to see my perspective? Do they really see all these sacrifices? Or do they just take my calmness so casually because they think it's just a part of me and the way things always have been?

I pounded my fist onto my pillow as tears fell quietly.

All this is making me stronger. Yes, I understand that very well.
But will there be one day when I can't take it anymore? I know I am too confident to ask for help. I know I hate asking for help when it comes to important things.

Who will save me? No one but myself, isn't it? Will they only realize everything once I reach the point of no return?
I don't want to think about this. It makes me feel kind of lonely inside.

But most of all, I wonder if they all realize that while I consciously choose to bury myself alive, thinking I can take on anything, do they know that the very people I think about so much and want to protect are the ones hurting me the most?

They're the ones that are cutting me into tiny pieces. And more than this, while changing some of its purity into bitterness,

they are killing my love.

As Yuki-sama once wrote:

"And I choose to,
all in the names of 'piety', 'hope', 'faith…"

…and 'love'.
That powerful and destructive infliction that all humans hold so dear.

But when described in this way, isn't it wonderful how you almost thought it had the same intensity of numbness and unfeeling as the word 'suicide'?

Why? Because you can't look back once you've gotten to the edge.
You make yourself indestructible to the imperfect heart or you become inspired to live on, differently than before.

Are you selfish or selfless? The difference between these opposites becomes blurry.
It becomes very blurry.

Either way, however, you're forced to kill something:
The one you protect, the one you love, or yourself.'And whom do you choose, my precious? Whose life do you choose to live? Whose life do you choose to die?

Lovely, isn't it? It all comes back to 'compassion'...

Because compassion means 'love', now doesn't it?'"

Owari. / The End.

Author's note: This was intended to be a reflective piece. And since I've never done Shuichi's sister before, I thought it would be a nice change of pace. (I am also quite curious as to how many fics are there about her. It's like the Ryuichi x Tatsuha pairing. People used to tell me that was limited too, but I'm happy to hear that that isn't the case now.) Seeing as I've immersed myself in a very bad writer's block and all the fics I've focused on lately were all romantic.
So, from this frustration to do something new and "different", this piece was created. I understand that this is hard to comprehend at times because it's that feeling/bond between siblings, but I hope my intentions shine through. Hey, even the title was hard to choose.
Even with all the philosophical talk, what lies here is a truth that stands on water, half drowning and
half swimming.

Monday, June 28, 2004